To all my readers, I apologize I have not been updating my blog. My excuse is legitimate though. You see, once chemo was over and I began feeling better after my surgery, I began doing this thing called LIVING again. I finally felt really good and like my normal self. I wasn't exhausted all the time, and I had energy. I began finding every excuse I could think of to be out of the house. I had just spent months cooped up in my home with the exception of going to treatments. Staying in my home was the last place I wanted to be! So, I'm going to attempt to provide an all-in-one update to catch everyone up to speed.
First, let's talk about hair. Who knew hair could be such a big deal? Well, once you don't have any, seeing hair IS a very big deal! You don't even care where it shows up first. You're ready to throw a party at the first sight of stubble. For those who are patiently waiting for their hair to grow back, I began seeing my eyelashes poking through first. This occurred about 1 month after my last chemo treatment. About a week or so later, I saw the first signs of eyebrows. It's been 13 weeks since my last chemo treatment, and my eyelashes are longer than they were prior to treatment. They are a little thicker too! My eyebrows are almost completely grown in although they aren't as thick as they used to be. They are still filling in, but I have enough I only have to fill in areas rather than completely draw an eyebrow on. I cannot express how happy I am to not have to draw eyebrows on my face. I seriously hated doing that! Rather than try to explain how the hair on my head has progressed, I'm simply going to share a collage photo. I take photos of my head regularly so I can remind myself of how much my hair IS growing when I get frustrated because it seems like it's not. Last, I have to shave my legs every day, which is how it was prior to chemo.
Okay, let's get this part over with. Let's talk about the boobs. I know you're all wanting to know what's going on with them. First and most importantly, they don't have cancer in them anymore. Yahoo!!! My mastectomy surgery was on April 10, 2014. Yes, it was a tough surgery; but it wasn't unbearable. It was difficult to look down and see the scars on each of my breasts and see no shape. Especially since I've had implants for the last ten years of my life. I had forgotten what it was like to not have boobs! But this was worse than being a B cup. This was much worse. But I had prepared myself for what I would see. I had spent many hours looking at photos on the Internet so I would know what to expect. I'm so glad I did this as nothing was a shock. As much as I didn't like it, it was expected. The only shock was I wasn't a little bigger with the expanders when waking up from surgery. I was expecting to wake up with a little bit of something with the expanders. But, they did not fill the expanders as much as they had planned because I'm so small, and they didn't want to put pressure or tension on my incisions. Two weeks after my surgery, I went for my first fill. I had 50 cc's added to each side. There is nothing like watching your boobs grow right before your eyes. I've gone back each week for a fill regularly. The fill amounts are dictated by what I can tolerate each week. I am now done with fills. I have 400 cc's on the right and 390 cc's on the left. For those who aren't familiar with how that compares to an average cup size, I had implants that were 350 cc's prior to surgery. Combine that with my natural breast tissue, and I was a 32D. Obviously, I do not have breast tissue now, so my implants will need to be a little larger than what I had before to get me to my prior size. I'm not as concerned about being my prior size as I am being a safe and comfortable size. I do not want to compromise my skin or incisions in any manner, so I have chosen to stop. My surgery to swap the expanders for silicone implants is scheduled for Friday, June 20, 2014. Needless to say, I'm very excited to do this. Expanders are not comfortable at all, and they are very hard!
Okay, here's the question I get asked a lot: You still have boobs--you got implants already? The answer is no. I have expanders. Expanders are basically a saline implant that is deflated or filled very little when it's inserted at the time of surgery. They have a port that allows them to be filled weekly with saline. It's pretty much like getting water added to a water balloon each week. Since I had implants before, I know there is a very big difference between expanders and implants. Implants are soft and moveable. Expanders are made of thicker material, and they do not budge. To put it bluntly, my current FOOBS "fake boobs" are hard, immovable, and ugly. One is higher than the other, and they are oddly shaped. With clothing on, they look fine; but not so much naked! However, I'm told this is normal for expanders and that it's not an indication of my final result! I met with my reconstructive surgeon yesterday, and he assured me this surgery will be a walk in the park compared to what I've been through.
Let's talk about work! I have never officially taken leave from work; but I did work primarily from home between January and the beginning of May. I returned to work full time in my office four weeks ago. I cannot even express how good it feels to get up each day and put on clothing other than pajamas. To have a purpose and get back into my normal routine. I would have never guessed I would be so happy to be back to work, but I am. I am come to appreciate my job and the interaction it provides me. I've always loved my job; but I have an entirely new appreciation for it now. I have found I'm a bit tired after working all day. More so than I was prior to diagnosis, but I believe this is simply my body adjusting to working long days again. I can't just let myself fall asleep when I feel the need through the day. Well, I can; but someone may question why I'm passed out on my desk! LOL
Love, Life, and all That Stuff: This is a big update all in itself. I'm sure anyone who has followed my blog as picked up on all the various ups and downs I have gone through since I was diagnosed. As difficult as it was to document my journey, it has also been therapeutic. Often, I alluded to certain things that were going on in my life; but I didn't state specifics. I wanted so badly to share the truth with my readers as the point in this blog was to be totally honest so someone out there may read it and realize they are not alone. I wanted to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. To a degree, I have did this; however, I have kept a particular part of my life private as I simply wasn't ready to share it. I believe one of my posts even stated someday I would elaborate when I was ready. That time has come so here it goes.
Four years ago, I began dating Chuck. We met in my office as he was there to do a job on campus. Although he lived near Lancaster, we maintained a long distance relationship driving back and forth. After a year, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We were engaged for a year before we were married. We've been married for two years. Our relationship was difficult to say the least before we even married. We often argued and disagreed; but we both thought things would get better with time. Our relationship was in a fragile state before I was even diagnosed. A cancer diagnosis will do one of two things to a relationship: it will strengthen it to the point it can never be broken or it will destroy it. In our case, my getting sick took an already fragile relationship and destroyed what was good and left only hurt feelings. We tried many times over the past 9 months to repair what was broken, but we finally came to the conclusion we couldn't glue the pieces together anymore. There were simply too many pieces missing and crushed.
Chuck has moved back to the Lancaster area where he's from, and we are getting a dissolution. This decision, although difficult, was best for us. Attempting to fix our relationship any longer was only going to lead to us hating one another. We've both made the decision to live our lives happy and not waste a single moment sad, mad, crying or anything along those lines. After facing cancer, I realized how precious life is. While I always knew this, this fact is amplified. The cliché saying "Life is too short to be anything but happy" couldn't be more true. If being happy means being alone with just my children, then I accept that. I prefer being alone to being with someone and sad and crying daily.
Having cancer and facing it is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to face. Supporting and loving someone with cancer can't be much easier. None of us can say what we would do in this position of support until we are the one there. I like to think I know what I would do, but without having been there, I can't say for sure. Supporting someone you love who has cancer requires a selfless act of pure and unbridled love. My children displayed this by taking me to countless treatments. Sitting with me at home instead of hanging out with their friends. My friends took me to treatments and changed their plans for me. My sister, Cindy, cared for me by bringing me food, bathing me after surgery and tirelessly listening to me talk about my fears. They let me cry and talk through my fears and thoughts. They didn't tell me I was wrong for crying. They just listened. I have learned THIS is love. Those who are by your side regardless of how pathetic or sad you may be. Those who pick you up when you're at your lowest and say "you're not alone because I'm right here with you".
I could go on forever on this subject; but I don't want it to come across as a love bashing session. This is where my life is at the moment, and I'm okay with it. The months that have led up to this moment haven't been easy; but I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be. If you have someone in your life who is always there for you supporting you no matter what, be sure to tell them "thank you". What they offer you is priceless.
To those facing a cancer diagnosis, remember cancer cannot and will not define you if you do not let it. You have the power to live your life exactly as your choose to. Fighting cancer is 50% medical with treatments and surgery and 50% mental. Only you have control of the mental part. Negativity and fears will threaten to eat you alive. They STILL do me; but I refuse to listen to them because they add nothing to my life and only steal from it. I refuse to allow cancer or anyone else to steal a single moment from my life. You can do the same.
