Radiation--Week 1: July 22-25, 2014

Radiation--Week 1

Treatment 1 of 28: July 22, 2014
I had my first radiation treatment on July 22, 2014.  I walked into the Cancer Center unsure of what to expect; but I put on my brave face and tried to keep it together.  I went by myself as I ran over while working.  I've depended on my children, family and friends so much over the past year that I felt this was something I could face alone.  After putting my gown on, I was sitting in the waiting area waiting to be called back.  I was so nervous my hands were shaking.  I tried to resist the urge to text someone for some encouraging words of support, but I lost the battle.  I sent out the desperate text of "I'm scared".  Thankfully, I immediately received an encouraging response reminding me this was a small step compared to the leaps I had already taken.  Such a small effort provided so much relief and calmed the feeling of fear threatening to take over.  A few seconds later, I was called back.

I was asked to lay flat on a table that looks just like an X-ray table.  There was a bar behind my head, and I had to reach above my head and hold this bar.  A circular machine was directly above me that moves left to right around me. The machine is lined up with the tattoo marks that were placed at my previous appointment.  After a few moments of getting me adjusted on the table, she placed what looked like x-ray plates to my right and stepped out of the room.  The machine began humming, and I just closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place.  I was imagining the beach and the sun was shining on my skin.  I could almost hear the ocean.  My vivid imagination comes in handy from time to time!

As I lay there, I kept waiting to feel something; but I felt nothing.  It truly is like getting an x-ray.  After about 20 minutes, I was done.  I simply went back to work.  I had a major install happening on campus, and it was extremely hot and humid outside.  I had a busy day ahead of me.  After about 20 minutes, I felt slightly short of breath and jittery.  I wasn't sure if it was related to the radiation or the heat and how busy I was.  I spent the entire day on my feet and outside in the heat.  By the end of the day, I was pretty exhausted; but I feel I would have been regardless of the radiation.  I went home feeling pretty tired but hopeful a good night's rest would do the trick. 

The following photos show the area being radiated.  The top photo shows under my arm, which is being radiated due to the fact that I had lymph node involvement.  The scar under my arm is from the sentinel node biopsy that was done October 2013.  I had 15 lymph nodes removed at that time.  5 of the 15 were involved.  At the time of my mastectomy, another 15 lymph nodes were removed from under my arm, and 3 more were found to be involved.  Meaning a total of 8 out of 30 lymph nodes were involved.  The second photo shows the front/top of my left breast.  The radiation targets my breast itself as well as my chest wall and collar bone area.  The final photo shows the cooling gel and cream I use after each treatment. I apply the cooling gel directly after treatment as your skin can feel a little hot.  As if you have a sunburn.  I use the cream later in the day and again before bedtime on the entire radiated area.  This is made by Water-Gel Technologies.

Treatment 2 of 28: July 23, 2014
My treatment was the same as the day before except they added the use of a bolus pad.  This bolus pad feels like skin tissue or gel.  It covers my breast area and acts as tissue.  These are often used on mastectomy patients since we are lacking actual breast tissue.  It allows the radiation to penetrate deeper into the breast and provides a layer of skin/tissue I'm now missing.   I walked into the room knowing what to expect this time, so I felt much better than I had the day before.  Reaching above my head to hold the bar for 10-15 minutes isn't easy with the limited mobility I have in my left arm, but I've been doing physical therapy exercises regularly (walking my arm up the wall) to regain more mobility.  It is helping a lot as I've gained back about 60% of my mobility in just a few weeks.  I now notice when I don't do these exercises, I can feel the tendon tighten up under my arm and down the side of my breast.  It's a very tight feeling. 

After radiation was complete, I went back to work.  As before, I noticed a jittery feeling after leaving radiation.  It's comparable to the slight jitters you can get from drinking something with a lot of caffeine.  It lasts about 20 minutes then goes away.  Through the day, I could feel a slight tightening in my left breast.  Exercises didn't seem to help.  I wouldn't say it was painful, but it's more uncomfortable.  I was quite tired by the end of my work day, but I again attributed this to a very busy couple days at work.  I went to bed at 8 p.m. and slept 10.5 hours that evening.

The photos below show my skin after treatment 2. 

Treatment 3 of 28:  July 24, 2014
Once again, the treatment was exactly the same as treatment 2.  The bolus pad will be used for my first 14 treatments.   I walk in confidently now knowing exactly what to expect.  My total appointment time now only takes about 15 minutes.  I just run over from work (it's across the street) and go back to work as if I ran out to get some food!   

I had the tight feeling under my arm and across my breast again today as well as random pains within my breast area.  I'm not certain if this is related to the radiation or not.  My skin felt a little chaffed after today's treatment.  Mostly just under my arm where my arm rubs the edge of my tank top or bra.  The fold area beneath my breast was slightly tender as well.  I kept adjusting my bra through the day.  The jittery feeling was back shortly after treatment, so I have no doubt it's related to radiation.  I was a little tired at the end of the work day; but nothing like I had been the previous two days.  So far, I see no redness or sign of the "sunburn" look I'm told to expect.  I continue to use the cooling gel and lotion mentioned above.

The photos below show my skin/treatment area after treatment 3. 

 



The Unpublished Journal Entries

All The Things I Didn't Say Publicly

I have a good friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer several months after I was.  We are the same age and have known one another since grade school.  I have did my best to guide her and provide advice regarding how to best cope with the side effects of chemo and a breast cancer diagnosis in general.  I know she reads my blog as well, and we chat as often as we can.  I see her posting on Facebook regularly regarding how she feels as she's going through chemotherapy treatments, and I am often reminded of how I felt when in the middle of treatments.  I can relate on a level that others likely won't consider.  I can read between the lines of what's said and know exactly how she's feeling based on not only what she said but by what she didn't say.  It's difficult for me to read through my blog as I often poured my heart and soul into my posts.  Often, my blog was my only outlet to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions at that particular time in my life.  While I tried to be very honest about how I felt and what I was going through in my blog, I also tried to keep some things to myself.  I was afraid I would come across as whining, looking for sympathy, or "pathetic".  Many people have commented to me that I am so strong and came through my treatments as a warrior; and while this may be the case, I now realize I may have misrepresented how tough chemo was on me both physically and mentally.  This was  not intentional or meant to make myself look tougher than I really am.  Rather, it was an internal struggle within myself because my personal life was such a disaster.  I was fighting to keep my head above water and maintain my sanity. 

After watching my friend's posts and seeing her struggles, I feel it's only fair to share some journal entries I made between February 2014 and April 2014.  I've wrote in a journal since I was 8 years old as writing has always been an outlet for me.  I suppose this is why blogging came so easily to me.  It's the online version of a journal.  Chuck got me a journal for Valentines Day this year.  He encouraged me to write in it as he wasn't a fan of my blog.  It was a constant battle within myself to maintain my blog for my readers and be honest while also trying to see things from his point of view.  I tried to reach a happy medium by putting pen to paper on my most personal and intimate issues.  Once I wrote them on paper, I often would fall asleep and forget what I had wrote.  Last night, I sat down with my journal to jot down my daily feelings regarding radiation so I had a place to refer back to when I was ready to do my weekly radiation blog, and I re-read my entries since February.  While there aren't many, I was shocked to read the raw emotions evident in what I had wrote.  Some, I couldn't believe I had wrote.  I cried as I read them as I was reminded of how alone I felt during such a difficult time in my life.  I was reminded of there utter terror and desolation I was feeling.  At the time these were written, I was going through AC treatments, which are the hardest chemo treatments.  Chemo makes you physically sick; but it also affects your mind and how you think.  There are many things I have read that I do not remember typing/writing.  The gut-wrenching agony in some of my posts/entries reminded me of the hell I endured such a short time ago; and I feel it's only fair to share with my readers that while I may have appeared strong in many of my posts, I was literally on my knees and at my lowest.  I was anything but strong.

I have attempted to type what was written in my journal. However, I have omitted specific references to Chuck as I do not want to bad mouth him publicly.  That's not the point of this blog.  The point is to show that while I remained positive through much of my treatment, I also had my low points; and I feel it's my responsibility to share those low times with my readers. 

Journal Entry--February 15, 1014

I haven't written in a journal in a long time.  However, I began keeping a journal as a child and through most of my early adult life.  Once I filled two journals, I stopped writing.  Life just got in the way I guess.  Chuck got me this journal so I could write about how I feel about my breast cancer diagnosis.  I've been keeping a blog where I openly talk about my symptoms and the issues I face.  It is my hope it will help someone else.  Even if it helps only one person, then it was worth the effort.  So, I think I will use this to talk about my personal feelings and things I can't put online.  Maybe someday my children will read this and understand how I felt during this entire process. 

When I was first diagnosed, my first thought was my kids.  My immediate reaction when I heard cancer was "I'm going to die".  The idea of having to leave my kids tore me apart.  I feel I have so much left to do for them.  I want to see Makya graduate from high school.  I want to see my children all graduate from college and begin their careers.  I want to help them plan their weddings and watch them say their vows.  I want to watch them experience pregnancy and watch my grandchildren be born.  I want to keep my grandbabies overnight and rock them to sleep.  I want to live.  Simply live.  I could complete an entire journal on all the things I don't want to miss out on because in reality, I don't want to miss a single thing.  Cancer has made me appreciate the things in life that truly matter.  I now appreciate my health I was blessed with.  The beauty God blessed me with that I took for granted.  God has taken me to a dark place so when I'm in the light again, I will appreciate it.  I end this entry saying only this to my babies:  I will beat this, but if for some reason I don't, please  know God has a plan for us all.  I'm learning God's plan isn't necessarily our plan.  We must trust in God's plan.  I love you always and through all time. 

Mom

Journal Entry--February 17, 2014

Today is Makya's 16th birthday.  It's so hard to believe she's 16 years old today.  I'm not sure where time has gone. I honestly feel as if she was just a toddler the other day.  Time is moving too fast, and it needs to slow down.  I picked her up from school today at 1 p.m., and I took her to Athens.  I didn't have much money, but I tried to make it the best day possible.  She wanted Chinese, so that's where we went.  I picked up a small cake at Kroger with the numbers 16, and we took it in with us as well as her gifts.  I felt so guilty her 16th birthday was so lame as to sit in a Chinese restaurant blowing out candles and opening gifts in public.  She should have had a big, special party for such a special year, but I simply don't have the money or the energy to make it happen.  She said she didn't mind and loved what we did, but I know she just didn't want me to feel bad.   After we ate, we went to Petland and played with a few of the dogs.  Then we saw Endless Love at the theater.  I really enjoyed spending the time with her, and my day was brighter just because I got to be with her.  I just wish it could have been m ore.  God knows I wanted to.  She hugged me and said it was the best day ever, and I truly hope she meant that. 

I had a hard time this morning before I left the house to get Makya.  I simply could not stop crying.  I feel so sad inside about my life in general.  That I am at such a place in my relationship.  It's so hopeless, sad and empty.  I miss the happy times, yet we've had a lot of sadness too.  We've had a lot of fights, and we've hurt each other to such degrees I do not think either of us can recover.  The hurt inside me is so strong, and if a heart can truly break, I'm fairly certain mine has.  I feel he's so cruel to me although he claims it's not intentional.  He doesn't want to hear me talk about how I feel or what I'm dealing with.  I don't understand how you can claim to love someone yet ignore the physical and emotional pain they are enduring.  To not talk to them or let them share their pain with you.  He gets angry with me for crying.  Which makes me cry more.  I do cry a lot anymore.  Because I feel so alone.  I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  I will never forget how alone I feel and how I can't rely on him to help me.  How he shows me no emotion or affection.  This is a time in which I need it most.  I feel so ugly and unattractive now.  I look sick even when I try to fix up.  I need to be told I'm beautiful every day even though I know I'm not.  He doesn't kiss or hug me goodnight anymore.  I can't remember the last time he did.  He won't look me in the eye anymore.  I don't think he can stand to look at me now.  I understand.  It's hard for me to look in the mirror and see myself.  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  Although I haven't lost that much weight, my face and neck appear hollow.  I have no eyelashes or eyebrows.  I look like cancer even though I've tried to avoid it.  I rarely leave my house.  Some would say maybe I'm depressed.  Maybe I am?  I would imagine I have every right to be considering cancer, what it's done to me, what it's yet to do to me, and the state of my relationship.  If not for m y children, I would have given up long ago.  They are the only reason I have managed to keep moving forward.  This is so hard.  It's so very hard.  I want to give up.  Or fast forward to when this is all over. 

Today, (this morning) I felt so hopeless.  I could not stop crying.  I thank God I had Makya's birthday, or I likely would have laid in bed all day at an all time low.  I can't post this stuff on my blog.  My struggles are great.  I hope I find my smile again soon.  I need it so bad. 

Journal Entry--February 19, 2014

I had an appointment today with my new plastic surgeon.  This will be my third one, so I was really hoping I would like him.  I liked him a lot and felt very comfortable with him.  It felt good to finally feel good about that portion of this process.  I felt very good all day today.  I had energy and didn't feel sick.  I felt almost normal for the first time in a long time.  Cindy went with me today, and we spent the day laughing about silly things and enjoying the nice weather.  It was 50 degrees today, so that was an awesome change to all the snow and ice we've had.  The weather brightened my day and made me realize that no matter how cold and ugly it is, it will get warmer and the sun will shine.  Things will get better.  That is so hard to remember right now.  Between cancer and Chuck, I forget things can be happy.  I feel like I am making progress with cancer, but I don't see it with Chuck.  I seem him going through the motions talking to me and such, but there is no emotion.  It lacks affection and the love he used to show.  I don't believe he will ever show it again.  I feel he has closed himself off to me.  He's been sleeping on the couch.  The bed is so lonely, and I cry myself to sleep every night.  I know he's avoiding me because he can't look at me.  He says it has nothing to do with how I look, but I don't have any other explanation.  I feel I'm on the outside looking in, and there is nothing more I can do.  I can't make someone want me.  That's the hardest part....

Journal Entry--February 24, 2014

Today hasn't been a good day.  I have felt sick all day, and nothing has helped it.  It's like having the worst hangover of your life.  It's so hard because the weeks I feel the worst are the weeks I have Makya, which means driving her to school every morning, picking her up and getting her to all her activities.  I haven't missed one activity--even when I was so sick I could barely sit up.  I feel like I'm failing Makya as her mom because I sleep so much when she's here.  I am trying so hard to keep doing all the things I've always done, but it's getting so difficult to keep up.  I'm not superwoman.  I feel like everyone around me forgets what I'm going through and just expects me to keep up  like I always have.  I try not to say anything to anyone, but I feel like a failure when I do.  No one understand how this feels but someone who has gone through it.  The weeks after chemo, I could honestly crawl in bed and never leave it.  Between being so tired I can't keep my eyes open and feeling sick, there are no real good days.  Add to that the feeling of ear, hopelessness, sadness, and constantly bursting into tears--it's a dangerous mix.  I went upstairs earlier to wash my face.  No one is here with me.  I just felt so overwhelmed, and dropped to my knees in my bedroom and cried.  The loudest, most gut-wrenching sobs I have allowed myself to express since the day this madness began.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I prayed and begged God to help me.  Not just to feel better, but my life in general.  Things still aren't better with Chuck and I.  Every time I think they may get better, he gets angry at me over something that doesn't even make sense that I have no control over.  I have no way to plan for such things or even control it.  I don't understand why I'm the target.  I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.  I just don't know if I can do this anymore.....I'm so tired.

Journal Entry--February 28, 2014

Today I blogged for the first time in a while other than to update everyone on my treatment status.  It felt good to focus and put my feelings out there again.  I've been keeping my personal feelings and thoughts private for so long.  I was beginning to think I had forgot how.  Chuck has affected me more than I care to admit.  I'm no longer the soft, loving person I once was.  I'm becoming hardened.  I feel like a dog begging for love and affection.  I feel like I'm crazy.  Sometimes I feel like I can't save myself.  God, give me strength to stay strong.  I don't know how to be anymore....

Journal Entry--March 6, 2014

It's hard to believe, but tomorrow is my last chemo.  In many ways, it feels like I was just diagnosed yesterday, and I cannot believe I'm already done.  In other ways, this feels like the longest 7  months of my life.  Chemo has been a very tough road.  It has drained me physically, mentally and emotionally.  It has made me react to things in ways I otherwise wouldn't have reacted.  It has made me feel as if I'm crazy, and I don't recognize myself.  It has taken away my self esteem, my external beauty, and in many ways, it has ruined my marriage.  Granted, there were many problems in my marriage long before chemo, but things have taken a turn since I got sick that I do not feel we can recover from. 

Tomorrow, I'm taking small gifts to give to all my chemo nurses.  They have been so good to me.  Also, two days ago I found out I carry the BRCA1 gene.  All of my kids now have to be tested.  I pray to God I did not pass this gene to any of them.  I would rather God take my life and spare them.  If that's what he asks of me, I would gladly do it.  Just so they nor their children would have to face this.  Scottie, Autumn, Makya and Cindy are going with me tomorrow.  Chuck is supposed to stop by while working.  I wanted as many people there as possible to help celebrate this milestone.  It's tough to celebrate much while getting AC as it makes me sleepy and sick feeling at the same time; but I'm going to try.  Me, Makya, and Mayah made a sign for us to hold in pictures stating it's my last chemo.  After a few weeks, I'm sure I will begin obsessively watching my hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows for growth.  I know it's going to be a long and painful process, but I'm closer today than I was 7 months ago when I began this process.  It's hard to believe that 7 months from now will be when I'm done with radiation and nearing the end of my journey.   A journey I pray I never have to travel again.  I pray God spares me and everyone I love ever facing this again.  I try to imagine what I will do if my cancer comes back.  I can't imagine fighting like this again.  This has taken a lot out of me.  I don't know I could survive it again.  I suppose for my kids, I will fight as much as I can.  I just know this has been very hard.  I can't see myself doing it again. 

Journal Entry--March 13, 2014

It's hard to believe it's March 13 already.  One would think time would be creeping by for me since I never go into my office anymore, but I think it has sped up somehow.  I sleep so much from all the chemo.  I'm literally sleeping my life away.  But at least the weather has been cold, and I would be  holed up in the house anyway.  We had a really  nice 70 degree day two days ago.  I was so upset because I didn't get to go outside and enjoy it.  I've had a rough week this week with feeling sick.  I didn't get my Neulasta shot on Saturday after my treatment because Express Scripts messed up, and I can really feel the difference in how I feel and how I've been able to function.  It was supposed to come today, but I haven't seen it so far.  At this point, it almost doesn't matter.  I should start feeling better and be on the up side of things from this point forward.  I'm hooping to actually go to work next week.  Even if it's just a few hours a day.  Just to try to get out of the house and a little bit of a routine back.  My surgery is April 10, so I'll only be able to do that for a few weeks before I'm grounded to the house again.  But it's a few weeks of doing something besides sitting at home and trying to feel better from chemo. 

I had one of my emotionally tough times last night.  I went to bed and tried to hide it from Chuck so he wouldn't get upset with me.  I was so down that I text Autumn desperate for someone to talk to.  I feel bad texting my children for support.  They shouldn't have to worry about me and what I'm doing.  I try so hard not to do that, but I needed someone to talk to. 

Journal Entry--April 3, 2014

It's been a while since I've wrote anything in this.  I have been busy trying to simply live life and not focus on being sick and everything to do with cancer.  My surgery is in one week.  I'm pretty nervous with it getting so close.  In some ways, I'm dreading it.  In other ways, I am ready to get it over with.  I have to force myself not to worry as I often catch myself thinking the cancer may be growing or spreading while I am not on chemo.  I've ben getting a lot of sharp pains in my breast and in the area where the tumor was.  It's the same pain I felt when the tumor was growing.  I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  My recent MRI showed that the tumor has shrank to smaller than a pea, which is great. 

I can feel the chemo leaving my body.  I'm feeling more and more energetic, more myself and less crazy.   While I knew I felt bad while on chemo (especially AC), I realize now how bad I felt.  Looking back, I felt drunk and sick the entire time I was on AC (8weeks).  The extreme feeling of sadness that was taking over my mind is slowly disappearing.  I don't feel trapped within myself now.  Chemo is very hard.  Yes, it makes you physically sick, but it affects you mentally too.  I tried to fight how it made me feel, but I lost the fight the last 3 months of the 6 months I was on it.  It feel good to feel like me again. To have energy and desire to do things and leave the house.  This week, I've cleaned the house, cleaned winter off the porch, and went to dinner with Carly.  I also went fishing with Scottie and AJ and have spent a lot of time with Cindy helping her remodel her bathroom.  Today, I went back to work for the first time since January.  It felt so good to be at work and feel useful and smart.  It's probably the most enjoyable day I've ever had at work.  I don't think I've ever been so thankful to be at work.  Tomorrow, I have a doctor appointment in Columbus.  I have to see a cardiologist for clearance for my surgery because I have slight heart damage from the chemo.  Plus they couldn't get a normal EKG on me.  That's frustrating and scary.  My surgery is 6-8 hours long so I'm scared to be under for that long--especially with known heart damage.  I'm afraid I won't wake up from the surgery.  I know that's not a positive way to think, but I can't help but worry about it.  For the sake of saying what I need to say, if God should choose to take me, then it was his plan and nothing I can do to change it.  I hope my kids know how much I love them, and if God should choose to take me, know if it's at all possible, I will be watching over them.  I'll be there when they are happy and when they are sad.  To celebrate every achievement and milestone.  They have truly been the best thing in my life, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life if it meant changing anything with them. 

I have often prayed God will spare my children from cancer and this BRCA1 gene I carry.  I pray he lets it end with me.  At the risk of sounding dramatic, do no mourn me.  Don't spend your lives sad.  I am smiling on you and rejoicing with you in every happy moment. I want you to live your life happy and remember me with a smile.  Scottie, please don't ever doubt yourself or what you're capable of.  Push yourself to be a strong and motivated.  I know you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.  You are my little boy and always will be.  But you are a man now, and I know you are destined for great things.  Know I am by your side always encouraging you.  Autumn, please remember to make time for yourself and do what you need to do to ensure you are happy.  You have a big heart and are always trying to fix everything, but your own happiness gets lost in the process.  Remember to take time to relax and enjoy life.  Hard work and dedication is a wonderful thing, but don't let it prevent you from living either.  You will always be my Audie and I am always proud of you.  Makya, you are my special baby girl that I wanted even before your dad knew you were going to be.  I felt in my heart I h ad to have one more baby, and I always knew we would be close.  Please remember to keep your own identity and that a boy does not define you.  Love from a boy doesn't define you.  You are amazing for you, and you can and will succeed in life because of your own efforts.  Not because of anyone else.  The love given to you is only a bonus.  You will always be my baby girl.  My Boo Boo who wasn't really a boo boo at all.  To my sisters, thank you for always being there for me.  Cindy, you've been my best friend and I love you.  Don't cry for me.  Just please stop smoking.  And please make sure Scottie stops as well.  For me, this is all I ask.  Be happy and be healthy. 

I love You--Teresa

Radiation Therapy Markers & Photo Documentation

Radiation Markers

On July 9, 2014, I met with my radiation doctor, Dr. Williams, of the Athens Cancer Center at the Castrop Center.  After meeting with him and reviewing my case, he informed me I would be getting my markers for radiation that day.  I was expecting this, so I bravely walked down the hall to the room with a table and a CT scan machine.  At this point, I feel as if I've had so many various types of scans nothing phases me anymore.  This was just yet another test.  However, I was a little nervous simply because I didn't know what to expect.  I've attempted to outline what they did below for anyone facing the start of radiation.

First, I was asked to remove my clothing from the waist up.  I was given a gown and shown a changing room.  I giggled a little as I was removing my clothing because I've had my top off in front of so many nurses and doctors at this point.  I could have stood in the hall and took my clothes off without thinking twice.  But, for the sake of those around me, I changed in the dressing room.  Upon entering the CT scan room, I was asked to lay on my back on the table attached to the CT scan.  It was freezing in the room, and I was already fighting to keep myself still and not shiver.  Measurements of my chest were taken.  Strips of what looked like tape with small metal wires inside of it were attached to me down the center of my sternum, just below the bottom of my left breast, up my side and beneath my arm, and across my collar bone.  Essentially, a box around my left breast was formed.  I was then asked to hold onto a post that was above my head on the table with both arms.  This was very difficult as I had not yet gained full mobility of my left arm.  But, I tried to think of everything I could think of to take my mind off how painful it was--like how cold I was. 

A CT scan was then done with the markers in place.  The markers, which contained the small metal wires, show up on the scan and are used to plan out my radiation therapy.  This marks the area that needs treated.  A physicist uses this to determine where the radiation is targeted, avoid my heart and lungs, etc.  Because my breast cancer was on my left side, I am at risk for radiation affecting my heart.  However, I simply have to have faith in God and my physician's abilities.  Do I really have a choice?  My diagnosis has forced me to have faith in God and someone besides myself over the past 10 months even if it's not what I want to do.  I'm learning to let go and trust.  After the scan was complete, the tape was removed.  A large X was marked on me with a sharpie between my breasts and under each arm.  Clear tape was placed over this to keep the marks in place.  I would receive radiation tattoos at my next visit and the X's could be then removed. 

Radiation tattoos are small dots that are placed in the same location as the X's were.  They are used to line up the machine each time you receive radiation so it's specific for your body size and measurements.  They are very small and look like a small freckle.  I have various flat freckles on my skin anyway, so to me, it's not even noticeable.  Getting the "tattoo" was not like getting a real tattoo.  It's literally one small prick to insert the dot of ink.  It stings for a second.  The one between my breast hurt the most.

I was then done with my appointment to receive markers.  It takes about a week to two weeks for them to create your treatment plan based on the tests and your specific measurements.  I began my first radiation therapy appointment on Tuesday, July 22, 2014.  I receive radiation every day Monday - Friday.  My plan calls for 28 treatments.  This means I should have my last radiation appointment on August 28, 2014 provided I have no setbacks.  I am planning to update my blog once per week regarding how my radiation is going, how I feel each day, etc.  One update will contain 5 days worth of updates for the previous week.  I will be including photos of the area that is being radiated.  I have thought about this long and hard as I know it will be controversial to many.  However, the purpose of this blog is to educate those who wish to learn more about breast cancer and the associated treatments and most importantly, to guide those who are facing breast cancer and treatments.  The effects of radiation are mostly related to skin changes, and me simply talking about changes I see will not do it justice.  I feel photos are the only way to truly document my radiation treatment.  I will be covering the front portion of my breast to maintain a sense of privacy for myself; however, if a particular area becomes problematic, I will be showing it.  Please be advised if you do not wish to see this, then I do not recommend reading my blog.  I ask that you keep in mind the general intent and purpose of this blog before judging the content. 

Stay tuned for an update regarding my first week of radiation coming this weekend! 

God Bless!

Healing--Mind, Body and Soul

Healing--It's not just my body that needed to heal:  But I'm getting just a "Little Bit Stronger"

Lately, I've thought a lot about healing.  Perhaps it's because my body has been through so much; but there are other forms of healing that must occur in addition to the physical and obvious.  I've watched my body endure more than I ever imagined over the past 10 months.  One truly doesn't realize how much the human body and spirit can endure until you have no other choice.  Many people have said "I don't know how you've done it"; but I can honestly say it's not because there is something special about me in particular.  I have simply taken one day at a time.  Rather than focus on the end result, which seemed so far away and unattainable, I focused on each day.  Sometimes, just getting through a single day was a challenge and an achievement all in itself. 

My reconstruction surgery was June 20, 2014.  I've healed very well since my surgery, and I'm pleased with the results.  Do my breast look as full or feel as nice as they did prior to breast cancer?  No, they are different now.  This certainly isn't something I would have chosen for myself, but it's the path that was chosen for me, so I'm facing it.  I'm fortunate to have healed very quickly with great results.  I had a check-up just a few days ago, and I was informed the implants are soft and moveable.  Apparently, this isn't the normal result as the muscles tend to remain tight over the implant and prevent the relaxed appearance.  I thank God each day for his blessings through all of this mess.  Right down to something so small and insignificant as appearances.  For those who are facing a mastectomy and ultimately reconstruction, I've posted photos below.  The photo on the top was taken a few years ago while the photo on the bottom was taken a couple of weeks ago.  Obviously, I lack that fullness at the top of my breasts now, and thank you Victoria's Secret for good bras (but I wore them previously as well!  =)

While my body has healed quickly and seemingly without an issue, inside I've struggled a little.  It is a daily battle to keep negative thoughts from creeping in and taking over.  Breast cancer is scary.  It's almost impossible to not wonder what your future may hold--or if you even have one.  When I was first diagnosed, I can say I had these thoughts constantly.  As I have completed treatments and my life has begun to return to a normal routine, I have them less and less.  Occasionally, they still creep in when I'm home alone and have down time.  I've found that if I keep myself very busy, those thoughts cannot take over my mind.  This isn't always the best way to cope though as I find myself exhausted from time to time.  But, I'm enjoying life, and I'm so much more appreciative of every single little second I'm given.  I've stopped allowing fear and worry to control my thoughts as they only steal my happiness and give me nothing in return. 

I've begun running again.  I cannot even begin to explain how good it feels to run again.  Running has always been a way to relive stress, tension, and even anger for me; and I had no outlet for all the mixed up thoughts and emotions that were building inside of me.  I began running again about three weeks ago.  I will be honest--the first time I ran was difficult.  I was easily running 5 miles before my diagnosis.  My first time back on the track led to only 2 miles and in a poor amount of time.  I felt like I had lead in my feet, and it didn't feel nearly as good as I remembered it.  But, I stuck with it and forced myself to keep running.  Over the past few weeks, I have slowly regained my stamina.  It will be some time before I'm back to where I was prior to diagnosis, but I'm certainly making progress, and I feel so much better.  Even when I'm tired and don't feel like running, I force myself to go.  I have found I have some of my best runs on those particular days. They revive me and bring me back to life.  Two years ago, I ran my first 5K in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure.  Little did I know I was running to raise money for a cure I would need for myself just a year later.  This Saturday, I ran my second 5K only 4 months after completing vigorous chemotherapy, 3 months after a mastectomy, and 1 month after reconstruction.  I did not run for myself.  I ran for everyone who has battled cancer to show you can have your life back.  Cancer does not have to stop you from living your life.  Take it back!  The photo on the left was two years ago at my first 5K while the photo on the right was this past Saturday's race. 

In addition to fighting and beating cancer, I've struggled with relationship issues during the entire time I was facing treatments.  I had many dark days that had nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with my personal life.  I cannot even begin to express the feelings of loneliness and abandonment I felt when it became clear to me I truly was fighting this battle alone.  I've read thousands of blogs, and a reoccurring theme seems to be partners that simply cannot face the ravages cancer can have on a loved one.  Not just the physical effects, but what it can do inside.  I've always been a positive, happy, and upbeat person.  I was usually always smiling; but cancer shook my world up.  I forgot to smile for quite a while.   I had a very hard time finding a reason to smile.  On the surface, all I could see was cancer had taken everything away from me to include the support of my husband.  And for a while, I lived in that dark, ugly place.  I felt like I had fallen down a deep, dark well with no light and no way out.  For anyone living in this dark, ugly place while facing treatment, I wish I could tell you exactly how I pulled myself out of it.  The truth is, it just happened.  I began forcing myself to spend time with my sister and do things that made me happy and smile.  I found reasons to get out of my house.  I did things that gave me purpose and had nothing to do with cancer.  Before I knew it, I was laughing and smiling more, and I was crying a lot less.  Yes, my marriage was still falling apart.  Yes, I was still upset about this, and there were times I would fall apart when I was forced to face it.  But, each day I found myself growing just a little stronger emotionally. 

Yesterday, I filed our dissolution papers.  I thought there would be tears involved; but I sat there waiting while they were being file stamped only thinking about how just a few months ago everything seemed so hopeless.  How I felt I would never smile again or find happiness or joy.  How lost I felt.  And how wrong I was.  Because just when things were as dark as they could possibility be and I was at my lowest emotionally, God reached out his hand and reminded me that I'm loved more than I realize.  I can recall praying and begging God to help me during my low times.  And wondering why he didn't.  Only now do I see it's not that he didn't help me.  My timing just wasn't his timing.  Just as a parent stands by and watches their child hurt emotionally but can do nothing to prevent them from learning life's lessons, so must God.  My life is far from perfect at this point, but I am learning to let go of things I cannot control and have faith in God's plan for me rather than plans I attempt to make for myself.  In doing so, I have found peace and happiness.  For the first time in my life, I have found happiness within myself rather than others.  I often find myself home alone doing chores and talking to my dog; and I'm okay with that.

The point of this particular post was to talk about healing.  I simply want to point out that regardless of how difficult, hopeless or awful things may seem, they WILL get better.  Wounds, hurt and pain does heal.  Both physical and emotional.  Regardless of how bleak things may look, don't give up or back down.  Hold onto your faith and push forward.  Tomorrow is always another day to be thankful for, and I promise the day will come that you will be glad you came out on the other side where the sun is yet again shining. 

God Bless

Reconstructive Surgery

Reconstructive Surgery--Meeting My New "Foobs" (fake boobs)!

My double mastectomy was on April 10, 2014.  Expanders were placed at the time of surgery with 50 cc's in each one.  I began getting fills two weeks after my surgery.  10 weeks and 7 fills later, I had to stop filling at a total of 400 cc's in the right expander and 390 in the left.  My left side was my breast cancer side, so it made sense I couldn't fill that side as much.  My skin was wearing thin; and the expanders were extremely tight.  They were very uncomfortable the last three weeks before my exchange surgery, which was on June 20, 2014.

We needed to push through the reconstructive process as quickly as possible so I could begin radiation while within my window of what's considered effective.  However, it wouldn't have mattered as more time would not have allowed me to proceed any larger.  I'm simply too small and there was no further room for expansion.  Being a 32D and sometimes 32DD before my mastectomy, I was afraid I would be upset if this happened, which I feared it would.  However, I wasn't.  Boobs suddenly don't mean as much to me as they used to.  Do I love looking like a woman and liking what I see in the mirror?  Yes, absolutely; but having breast cancer has certainly put things into perspective for me.  I'm a tiny woman, so I made the decision to do my best to love my body for whatever I ended up with.  I have asked SO much of my body over the past 9 months.  It has endured week after week of being inundated with poison; and, overall, my body tolerated it like a champ.  I have endured three surgeries since October 2013.  I work full time, and I am keeping up with life in general.  I am truly blessed, and my body has not failed me.  So why not love it?

Many people have asked me what the fill or expansion process was like.  Since I have had implants for the past ten years of my life, it was not totally foreign to me (or as painful) as it may be to those who have never had implants before.  My implants were under the pectoral so I didn't have to endure that initial pain from having your pectoral muscle lifted to hold the implant.  However, I did have to have a small portion of my pectoral muscle removed on the left side during my mastectomy.  This was due to where my tumor was located in an attempt to prevent a recurrence.  So, my surgery wasn't a walk in the park either.  My left side was tighter than my right, and I was warned not to expect the left side to look identical to the right.  The fill process is a strange feeling.  You literally watch your boobs expanding before your eyes.  It's a tight and strange feeling.  The first 5 fills weren't really painful.  Just tight.  However, the last 2 fills were painful.  Just lifting my arms for basic things like washing your hair were a chore.  The expanders were HARD and looked awkward.  They are shaped funny, and it's common for them to not have a "normal" appearance.  My left boob was much higher than my right.  This is because so much more work was done on that side than the right creating a void higher on the left than the right.  This "space" created a bigger area for the expander to expand into.  Sleeping at night was difficult the last two weeks before my exchange.  I simply couldn't get comfortable.  They were always in the way.  I couldn't put my arms down to my side.  I would wake up off and on all night with them hurting.  Needless to say, I was counting down the days until my exchange.

The day of my exchange surgery, I wasn't really that nervous.  I kept comparing it to a breast augmentation surgery, which I had already had done twice in my lifetime.  Also, I was already in so much pain from the expanders, I couldn't imagine this surgery would be anything but a relief.  My expanders were removed through the existing incisions from my mastectomy surgery.  My fill ports were also removed, which were VERY uncomfortable and sat on my ribs.  I woke from the surgery in very little pain.  In fact, I was in less pain than I was when I went in.  I was sent home within a few hours of waking up.  I got home and did my normal thing in the kitchen (loading the dishwasher, made myself food, etc).  I followed the doctor's instructions and took it easy, but I really didn't feel like I had just had surgery.  It simply was such a relief to have the clay stones removed from my chest!  That evening, I got to meet my new foobs for the first time.  I'm not sure what I was expecting; but I stood in front of the mirror for about five minutes just staring at them.  After a few moments, I came to the conclusion this was my new normal, and I simply had to accept it.  They weren't horrible, and it was tough to really tell what they would look like anyway.  

The exchange consisted of the placement of silicone cohesive gel implants.  My implants are 350 cc's each.  Ironically, this is the same size implants I had for ten years before I had them redone in March 2014.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my new boobs were only 6 months old.  I was a size 32C when I had implants this size before.  That was implants plus my own breast tissue.  Since I don't have breast tissue anymore, I knew I would not be quite as large as I was before.  However, to be quite honest, I was very small before I got implants the first time.  I had very little breast tissue of my own--or so I thought.  Only when you have surgery to have it removed do you realize you had more than you thought.  Again, I reconciled myself that size didn't even matter anymore.  As long as I could attempt to look like a woman.

I avoided really staring at my breasts for several days other than to care for my incisions and simply getting dressed.  My breasts were tender, but it was still better than it had been before the exchange.  Today, it's been a week and four days since my surgery.  My implants have begun to settle in the breast pocket with a more natural fold along the bottom.  My pectoral muscle has relaxed and allowed them to drop into a more natural position, which is common with implants.  The left side is still tighter than the right; but it's getting better.  My incisions look really good, and I'm beginning to get used to seeing my breasts without nipples.  Today, I forced myself to REALLY look at myself before I got dressed.  I realized that if I cupped my hands across my breasts, I looked exactly the way I did before.  I STILL have boobs.  I still have shape.  I'm larger than many women out there.  I just don't have nipples, and I have scars across each breast now.  When I have a bra on, I look like every other woman out there.

I was afraid I would hate my body after this surgery, but I'm slowly learning to love my body as it is.  I have endured more in the past 9 months of my life than many people endure in a lifetime, and I have accepted my scars as badges of honor.  They are proof of what I have overcome.  My scars do not define me anymore than boobs themselves defined me.  This has been very difficult to figure out on my own.  While it may seem simple to many people out there, one cannot guess how they would feel until it's them having to face and accept this.  Not only have I had to accept this and learn to love my body as it now is, I'm facing being single again. Each time self doubt creeps in, I remind myself that loving myself is what's most important; and everything else will work itself out.  Does this mean I don't HATE this and have tough days?  No, not at all.  I'm human, and there are some days I want to break things.  In fact, I HAVE broke things.  There is something to be said for crying and breaking glass that does make you feel better.  I did it in the trash can to eliminate the clean up, so I was thinking logically, but I recommend this action if you need to release a little tension that's building!  However, I do not allow myself to dwell on these feelings.  I let myself have a good cry, then I pick myself up and keep moving forward.  After all, it's the only direction I can go!