This past Saturday, I was standing in line at the BMV waiting to renew my son's tags for him. I was texting and engrossed in my phone just trying to pass the time as I stood in line. I glanced behind me to see how long the line was, and there stood a tiny woman wearing a head wrap. She was clearly missing eyebrows, and I immediately recognized the telltale signs of a woman facing chemotherapy. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but lean over and ask her if she was currently undergoing chemotherapy. I introduced myself as a breast cancer survivor of only one year, and her eyes filled up with tears. She too had breast cancer, and she said she felt blessed beyond words to have been at the BMV at that exact moment as she had been having a particularly rough morning. My simple gesture reminded her that what she was facing won't last forever, and it does get better. I thanked God in that moment that I was standing where I was and able to give this woman some peace and hope. THAT is the intended purpose of this blog. That is the reason I began documenting every stage of my treatment. Although I had no idea the outcome when I first began, I was determined to do my best to keep living my life as much as possible through my treatments. When I was first diagnosed, I scoured the Internet for proof that I could maintain a normal life while facing breast cancer, and I honestly didn't come up with much. Most of what I found was very negative and disheartening. I wanted to change that.
It's been one year and 5 months since my double mastectomy, and one year and 6 months since my last chemotherapy. My hair is currently about 4.5 inches long. It's been cut one time, and mostly only at the bottom. It grows out in layers, and you have to trim the "tail" off so it doesn't look like you have a mullet. Below is a photo that was taken last week so you can see where my hair is at this stage. It's short, but I'm happy to have hair!
I'm the on on the left. =)
I continue to have issues with cording in my left arm. This began last summer, and it's progressively got worse. I began going to physical therapy this past winter, and while it helped to relive some of the discomfort, it didn't eliminate it entirely. I had a lot of cording, and some very thick cords. Over the course of about 5 months, I was able to get cords to break, which was a very satisfying feeling, but I have one very large, thick one that won't budge. This cord is pulling and attached from under my left arm where my lymph nodes were removed, and it's causing quite a bit of tightness and discomfort in my left breast. My physical therapist has pretty much given up at this point as he said he simply cannot get it to break. My surgical oncologist mentioned at my last appointment he may be able to do surgery if PT didn't help, and that option is looking better and better.
My left breast is much tighter and firmer than my right breast. My right breast (non cancer side) feels and looks normal besides the fact that I have no nipple. It's very pliable and soft. My left breast is very firm and tight. They do not sit even as my left breast is much higher than my right since it doesn't have the natural drop or fold at the bottom. It doesn't look awful, but it doesn't look normal either. When I'm wearing a bathing suite or clothing, it looks fine, but I can see the difference. I cannot wear a push up bra and push it up or in. It pretty much doesn't budge. But, I'm thankful to be alive and to have a breast at all on that side as my original diagnosis didn't indicate I would be able to get reconstruction at all on my breast cancer side. I have considered nipple reconstruction, but I'm very reluctant to try it. The skin on my left breast is very thin, and I'm terrified It won't heal right, and I will cause issues with my current implant. I would hate to ruin what I currently have and end up having to get the implant removed entirely. Therefore, I have decided to skip nipple reconstruction. I have also considered 3D nipple tattooing, and I believe I'm going to skip this as well. My instincts tell me it's just not worth the risk. Finally, I'm not fully happy with the appearance of my left breast, and I'm not willing to tattoo it at the moment. In the future, I may consider having it redone to correct the way it sits, and I may consider nipple tattooing at that time. For the time being, I'm just letting it go.
My left breast is also a bit harder and the skin feels thicker due to radiation. When feeling my left breast, it just feels thicker. Almost like there is a thick rubber layer beneath my skin compared to my right side. I have no other side effects from the radiation besides the fact that my skin feels tighter and thicker on the radiated side.
My legs do ache regularly. I'm told this is a long-term side effect of the Taxol. Some people find that it eventually goes away while others have it the rest of their life. I have found that exercising regularly helps the pain. The more I rest and "baby" my legs, the more they hurt. The best advice I can give to those who are also facing this is walk regularly and get some exercise. I'm not sure why it helps, but it does.
These are the only real lasting effects I have from my treatments. I have attempted to continue on with my life as much as possible as if it never happened--except I'm more appreciative of every moment I'm blessed to be here. Of course, I have the same issue as everyone else at times. An ache in my back sends a jolt of fear through my brain "what if it's cancer"? But I have to remind myself that every ache and pain doesn't mean cancer. I refuse to allow fear and cancer to control me or my life. Obviously, if a pain is persistent for a period of time, I speak to my doctor about it, but I refuse to allow myself to travel down the path of being a victim to the fear of cancer returning. I have accepted the fact that a recurrence is a possibility, and I am leaving it in God's hands. I can see my doctor regularly and do my best to be proactive with my health, but I cannot control God's plan for me. Accepting this has given me peace and allowed me to continue living my life normally.
To those who are undergoing treatments, please stay strong and keep fighting. Your life does return to normal. It does get better. As my very wise daughter told me when I was going through treatments, it's not forever. It's just for now.
Many Blessings!
Teresa
