I was trying to think about a topic for discussion. Sure, I will update my DIEP Diaries post with some "after" photos. I know how important it is for people to see what one year later is like. But to be quite honest, I miss just pouring my heart out into my blog and letting what's inside me end up on the Internet because if I'm feeling it, someone else is too. So, here's my blog post about nothing in particular and a little bit of everything all rolled into one.
Some may ask what I've been doing for the past year that's kept me away from my blog. The answer is complicated, but the short story a combination of work, school work, and my family (aka enjoying life). In December 2017, I officially became and Ohio University alumni as I earned my degree in Human and Consumer Sciences. This was a path I began in my early 20's when I earned my Associates Degree while also being a full time mom. Like many moms, I had every intention of continuing my education toward completing my bachelor degree, but the need to work full time and support my family took precedence, and the next thing I knew, it was 17 years later, and I still hadn't finished. After kicking cancer's butt, I promised myself a few things, and working on checking off a few boxes on my personal list of "to do" items included my own educational goals. Many people have asked me what I hoped to achieve by earning my degree since I have an established career. My answer is "know I finished something I set out to complete so many years ago". And that I did. Pictured below is me after my ceremony with my daughters. As a parent, there is nothing more you want than to set an example for your children, and through my graduation, I have shown them that I value education and personal goals.
Prior to my graduation in December, I applied to Graduate school at Ohio University, and I was accepted. Therefore, after finishing up undergraduate work in the fall, I immediately began Graduate courses spring semester 2018. Here it is summer, and I continue to take graduate course work, and I expect to graduate with my Master's Degree in Social Sciences and participate in Spring Commencement activities May 2019. My older daughter, shown in the photo above on the right, is also pursuing her Master's Degree in Public Administration and is scheduled to graduate during the same ceremony as myself. My younger daughter, shown on the left, will begin her senior year at Ohio University this fall, and she now plans to attend Graduate school after she completes her undergraduate work.
I've mentioned in previous posts that school work has helped me to clear the chemo fog from my brain. I feel this is an appropriate time to comment on that earlier statement. I still agree. Does school work stress me out? Yes. Do I dislike some of my classes? Absolutely! In fact, the class I'm in right now isn't my favorite. I have to force myself to do the required readings. But, like chemo, I have to do it so I can meet a goal. Exercising my brain has helped keep my brain occupied. The mind can easily play tricks on you, and lack of goals and something positive to focus on can easily lead to situations where fear can rule your life.
That leads me to the discussion of recurrence. I was diagnosed September 2013, but my lump was present at this time exactly five years ago. So, I can say "five years ago, I had cancer", and it's a true statement. As a triple negative breast cancer survivor, I know my risks. Like my required school work, I did my homework, and the five year period is a crucial time for TNBC survivors. It can come back ANY time, but the time frame I'm in right at this moment is a very crucial period. When I was diagnosed, I ran from one appointment to another, and I felt like I was living in the middle of a hurricane. I saw one doctor after another who had a plan for how to cut the cancer out of my body, what chemotherapy I would receive to shrink the tumor, what surgeries I would have to reduce my risks of recurrence, what surgeries I would need for reconstruction, and even planning months in advance for future radiation treatments. But NO ONE addressed the madness that was in my mind. That all-encompassing fear that lives inside your mind and prevents you from sleeping or functioning like a normal person. I spent months waking from one nightmare after another where I was trying to live an entire lifetime in five years. FIVE YEARS. In my mind, I had somehow convinced myself I had five years left to live. I was convinced I would have a recurrence in five years. I had read the statistics, after all. And here I sit at that crucial five year mark. Tomorrow, I see a new oncologist. Why a new one? My previous oncologist left, and rather than establish myself with a new doctor two hours from my home, it just makes sense to become established with one near my home to make routine visits easier. It's been a year and a half since I last saw a oncologist. Yes, thats much longer than I'm supposed to go between visits. So, why would I do this at such a crucial point? Honestly, because seeing my doctor isn't going to prevent it from coming back if it chooses to. I've taken every preventative measure I can take. Now, am I suggesting this was a good idea? Of course not. In fact, it wasn't intentional. It's demonstrative of how much I've been participating in my life and not living in the cancer world.
After five years of treatments and surgeries, I just needed to focus on life and living, and I've certainly did that. So, tomorrow, I go see the oncologist. I'll talk about how tired I've been lately and the fact that I sometimes feel as if I can't put one foot in front of the other. He will likely ask me what my schedule/life is like, and my reply will be "hectic". I work 50+ hours per week, I'm taking two graduate courses per semester, which is a heavy load for someone who doesn't work full time, and I work full time, and I work like a crazy person around my house never truly allowing myself to relax. So, yes, I am tired. But in retrospect, who wouldn't be when maintaining my schedule? It's times like this I remind myself that cancer isn't the answer to everything that hurts. I simply refuse to give it that much power.
Let's talk hair growth for a minute. I know everyone facing chemo wants to know what to expect with hair growth. It's been 4.5 years since I lost my hair and many haircuts later, and here's a photo of my hair at this time. My hair grows slow, so many people see much faster growth than me. Also, I have face-framing layers, so it's much longer in the back. About half way down my back.
On another note, my son, who was stationed in California as a US Marine is now deployed in Japan. His wife and two children, Wyatt (2) and Willow (1) are now back in Ohio. I am so very thankful to see them although I am very sad it means my son is away from them. Please say a prayer for my son as he serves our country. He misses his family and is making a great sacrifice for each of us. Below are a few photos we took during our reunion with the babies. What a joyous day!
<Insert lots of grandma-like photos here>
As I juggle work, school, and life in general, I remind myself how very blessed I am to have such blessings in my life to juggle. There was a time not so long ago my life revolved around doctor's appointments and treatments, and all I wanted was for my life to be normal and hectic in a good way. So today, I am thankful for all the hectic madness in my life and for my beautiful children and grandchildren. What a wonderful life I have in spite of every single struggle, difficulty, etc. Life isn't about having an easy path. It's what we do with all the bumps, twists, and turns. It's the beauty that comes from struggle and sorrow. It's all of these things rolled up into one. So, as you, my reader, who is facing difficult times, wonder how you'll ever smile again, I can assure you there are bright days ahead. Cry when you need to, but know if you keep putting one foot in front of the other--no matter how slow--you're moving forward. Know that in spite of what you see in the mirror today, you CAN and will come out on the other side of this.
Don't believe me? Below is a photo I had taken to demonstrate that in spite of cancer, a double mastectomy, endless amounts of steroids, a complete hysterectomy and loss of hormones, no nipples, and scars all over my body, cancer cannot and will not take my ability to say "I am a woman, and cancer, you can simply step off"
And in this post, is the many faces of Teresa--a cancer survivor. Tonight, I'll close with that. I have homework that needs completed. =)
Much Love--
Teresa
