Pre-Surgery Worries

I am one week and four days outside of my last and final chemo treatment.  I still don't feel 100% back to normal, but I am slowly recovering from it.  Each AC treatment I had seemed to take a little longer to exit my system.  I found each time I had less good days prior to getting another treatment as they progressed.  After my third treatment, I didn't have a true GOOD day until Thursday, the day before my final treatment.  So, I'm not surprised I'm still struggling.  I figure it will be this weekend or even Monday before I get that good "clear" feeling.

When I say clear feeling, I am referring to how it feels when suddenly you don't feel sick to your stomach anymore, and the fog seems to lift from your brain.  Your energy level seems to double all at once, and you recognize yourself.  Since I've been getting chemo for six months, I cannot say this "good" feeling will last more than a day or so though.  I don't know what to expect right now.  I have several breast cancer sisters who tell me you still have your good and bad days months after chemo has ended.  I suppose it makes sense.  I've had six months of chemo pumped into my body.  It stands to reason it would take about that long for the side effects to slowly leave my body.  As a cancer patient, I can only say we WISH for it to just disappear quickly though.

I have a few weeks before my surgery date on April 10, 2014.  They are letting my body build up and recover from the chemo.  It's going to be here before I know it though.  I find myself more and more concerned about how it's going to go and just an overall sense of dread and worry.  I was never much of a worrier until I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Now I suddenly worry about everything.  My surgical oncologist called me on Sunday to discuss me testing positive for the BRCA1 gene.  As I suspected, this may alter their original plan for my upcoming surgery, which was to take the left, breast cancer side only, proceed with reconstruction, then on to radiation.  Once radiation was complete (after about six months), I would have a second surgery to remove the right side and have reconstruction.  However, being positive means removing the right side is no longer an option but a requirement.  Those who carry the BRCA1 gene have a very high rate of recurrence in any breast tissue available for a tumor to form.  Therefore, removing all available breast tissue before a tumor can form is the best form of treatment to stay ahead of a secondary breast cancer.

I've wanted both sides removed since the very beginning.  I've never felt comfortable leaving the right side as deep down I always felt I would be facing this again in a matter of time if I didn't remove the right side as well.  However, my doctor was reluctant to do this without just cause as it puts me at risk for infection after my initial surgery and can prolong my radiation, which we do not want since I had lymph node involvement.  Since I had lymph node involvement, I face the risk of the cancer later returning at another site in my body.  Typically, it's the bones, lungs, chest wall, and the like.  I've thought about what I will do in case this happens, and I have had to stop myself from thinking about it. This has been a tough battle, and it's not over yet.  I can't even imagine a second battle.

I often wonder what the future holds for me.  I compare myself to my Aunt, who was a breast cancer survivor for four years when it returned in her bones and claimed her life.  I know my fate is not that of my Aunt's, but it's almost impossible not to let those thoughts creep into my head.  We both had Triple Negative tumors, and we both carried the BRCA1 gene.  She too had lymph node involvement.  Everyone says to stay positive and not let negative thoughts such as these plague you as they only bring you down; but I ask, how does one NOT think about all this?  I don't think it's possible to consider your own mortality when faced with a life threatening disease that's as unpredictable as breast cancer.  No one really knows why someone who is staged as stage 4 with multiple lymph node involvement manages to be a survivor and live into their 80's while another who was initially staged as a 2 or 3 with minimal lymph node involvement ends up passing away from the cancer in a few short years.  They simply do not have answers to explain it.  So, not thinking about these things is truly impossible.  At least for me.

Yes, my tumor as responded very well to the chemo.  At this point, I can't feel it at all.  I am very thankful to God for that.  I have a MRI tomorrow to see how it compares to the MRI I had prior to chemo; and I'm praying they see nothing.  This would mean the chemo killed the entire tumor.  But there are no promises, guarantees, and what my doctor finds during surgery is up to God.  My tumor was very high up on my breast and sitting within my pectoral muscle; therefore, some of my muscle will need to be removed during surgery--along with a large patch of skin at the top of my breast.  This is a safety measure to try to prevent it from coming back.  No one really knows if the tumor was attached to my chest wall or anything within that general location.  With it being dead (as it would seem), we may never know.

As I've said in many other blogs I've typed, the not knowing is what is very hard for me.  I am a planner by nature, and cancer has taken away my ability to plan anything in my life.  Nothing is within my control anymore, and I truly am at the mercy of God.  I pray God sees fit to allow me many more years to be a mother to my children.  I would like to meet my grandchildren some day.  I used to say I never wanted to get old.  Now, I would love nothing more than to get old.