Reconstructive Surgery

Reconstructive Surgery--Meeting My New "Foobs" (fake boobs)!

My double mastectomy was on April 10, 2014.  Expanders were placed at the time of surgery with 50 cc's in each one.  I began getting fills two weeks after my surgery.  10 weeks and 7 fills later, I had to stop filling at a total of 400 cc's in the right expander and 390 in the left.  My left side was my breast cancer side, so it made sense I couldn't fill that side as much.  My skin was wearing thin; and the expanders were extremely tight.  They were very uncomfortable the last three weeks before my exchange surgery, which was on June 20, 2014.

We needed to push through the reconstructive process as quickly as possible so I could begin radiation while within my window of what's considered effective.  However, it wouldn't have mattered as more time would not have allowed me to proceed any larger.  I'm simply too small and there was no further room for expansion.  Being a 32D and sometimes 32DD before my mastectomy, I was afraid I would be upset if this happened, which I feared it would.  However, I wasn't.  Boobs suddenly don't mean as much to me as they used to.  Do I love looking like a woman and liking what I see in the mirror?  Yes, absolutely; but having breast cancer has certainly put things into perspective for me.  I'm a tiny woman, so I made the decision to do my best to love my body for whatever I ended up with.  I have asked SO much of my body over the past 9 months.  It has endured week after week of being inundated with poison; and, overall, my body tolerated it like a champ.  I have endured three surgeries since October 2013.  I work full time, and I am keeping up with life in general.  I am truly blessed, and my body has not failed me.  So why not love it?

Many people have asked me what the fill or expansion process was like.  Since I have had implants for the past ten years of my life, it was not totally foreign to me (or as painful) as it may be to those who have never had implants before.  My implants were under the pectoral so I didn't have to endure that initial pain from having your pectoral muscle lifted to hold the implant.  However, I did have to have a small portion of my pectoral muscle removed on the left side during my mastectomy.  This was due to where my tumor was located in an attempt to prevent a recurrence.  So, my surgery wasn't a walk in the park either.  My left side was tighter than my right, and I was warned not to expect the left side to look identical to the right.  The fill process is a strange feeling.  You literally watch your boobs expanding before your eyes.  It's a tight and strange feeling.  The first 5 fills weren't really painful.  Just tight.  However, the last 2 fills were painful.  Just lifting my arms for basic things like washing your hair were a chore.  The expanders were HARD and looked awkward.  They are shaped funny, and it's common for them to not have a "normal" appearance.  My left boob was much higher than my right.  This is because so much more work was done on that side than the right creating a void higher on the left than the right.  This "space" created a bigger area for the expander to expand into.  Sleeping at night was difficult the last two weeks before my exchange.  I simply couldn't get comfortable.  They were always in the way.  I couldn't put my arms down to my side.  I would wake up off and on all night with them hurting.  Needless to say, I was counting down the days until my exchange.

The day of my exchange surgery, I wasn't really that nervous.  I kept comparing it to a breast augmentation surgery, which I had already had done twice in my lifetime.  Also, I was already in so much pain from the expanders, I couldn't imagine this surgery would be anything but a relief.  My expanders were removed through the existing incisions from my mastectomy surgery.  My fill ports were also removed, which were VERY uncomfortable and sat on my ribs.  I woke from the surgery in very little pain.  In fact, I was in less pain than I was when I went in.  I was sent home within a few hours of waking up.  I got home and did my normal thing in the kitchen (loading the dishwasher, made myself food, etc).  I followed the doctor's instructions and took it easy, but I really didn't feel like I had just had surgery.  It simply was such a relief to have the clay stones removed from my chest!  That evening, I got to meet my new foobs for the first time.  I'm not sure what I was expecting; but I stood in front of the mirror for about five minutes just staring at them.  After a few moments, I came to the conclusion this was my new normal, and I simply had to accept it.  They weren't horrible, and it was tough to really tell what they would look like anyway.  

The exchange consisted of the placement of silicone cohesive gel implants.  My implants are 350 cc's each.  Ironically, this is the same size implants I had for ten years before I had them redone in March 2014.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my new boobs were only 6 months old.  I was a size 32C when I had implants this size before.  That was implants plus my own breast tissue.  Since I don't have breast tissue anymore, I knew I would not be quite as large as I was before.  However, to be quite honest, I was very small before I got implants the first time.  I had very little breast tissue of my own--or so I thought.  Only when you have surgery to have it removed do you realize you had more than you thought.  Again, I reconciled myself that size didn't even matter anymore.  As long as I could attempt to look like a woman.

I avoided really staring at my breasts for several days other than to care for my incisions and simply getting dressed.  My breasts were tender, but it was still better than it had been before the exchange.  Today, it's been a week and four days since my surgery.  My implants have begun to settle in the breast pocket with a more natural fold along the bottom.  My pectoral muscle has relaxed and allowed them to drop into a more natural position, which is common with implants.  The left side is still tighter than the right; but it's getting better.  My incisions look really good, and I'm beginning to get used to seeing my breasts without nipples.  Today, I forced myself to REALLY look at myself before I got dressed.  I realized that if I cupped my hands across my breasts, I looked exactly the way I did before.  I STILL have boobs.  I still have shape.  I'm larger than many women out there.  I just don't have nipples, and I have scars across each breast now.  When I have a bra on, I look like every other woman out there.

I was afraid I would hate my body after this surgery, but I'm slowly learning to love my body as it is.  I have endured more in the past 9 months of my life than many people endure in a lifetime, and I have accepted my scars as badges of honor.  They are proof of what I have overcome.  My scars do not define me anymore than boobs themselves defined me.  This has been very difficult to figure out on my own.  While it may seem simple to many people out there, one cannot guess how they would feel until it's them having to face and accept this.  Not only have I had to accept this and learn to love my body as it now is, I'm facing being single again. Each time self doubt creeps in, I remind myself that loving myself is what's most important; and everything else will work itself out.  Does this mean I don't HATE this and have tough days?  No, not at all.  I'm human, and there are some days I want to break things.  In fact, I HAVE broke things.  There is something to be said for crying and breaking glass that does make you feel better.  I did it in the trash can to eliminate the clean up, so I was thinking logically, but I recommend this action if you need to release a little tension that's building!  However, I do not allow myself to dwell on these feelings.  I let myself have a good cry, then I pick myself up and keep moving forward.  After all, it's the only direction I can go!