First, I suppose I should say that I'm doing very well recovering from radiation. My skin looks perfectly normal now, and if I didn't have photo evidence to prove I had gone through radiation, you wouldn't know I had ever received it. There are no residual signs on my skin itself that show I've had radiation (besides the very small tattoo marker dots, which blend in with other freckles I have). However, over the past month, I can say I've noticed a marked increase in tightness in my chest and beneath my left arm. I've always had some tightness on this side in comparison to the right side due to that being my breast cancer side and it getting beat up a lot worse than the right side, but what I have felt lately is definitely different than before. Sometimes stretching simply hurts. The tightness is comparable to a tendon that feels as if it's only about half as long as it's supposed to be. My normal instinct is to baby this side and not use it so it will feel better, but this actually makes it worse. The less I do, the tighter it gets. So, I stretch daily even though it hurts. I haven't been able to go to the gym as each time I do, I end up in pain. This is quite frustrating to me, but I'm trying to force myself to get this tightness under control from radiation before I head back to the gym. The tightness is caused from the radiation and how deep it penetrates. Sometimes I have sharp pains in my left breast and in my arm pit. It also aches in this area. It's frustrating at times, but I remind myself that I've come so far in such a short period of time, and I have to be patient with my body. I found a great video on stretches that help with chest tightness due to surgery and radiation. Provided your doctor has released you to do these stretches and resume normal activities, I highly recommend these stretches as they are helping me:
I do have my final surgery (I hope) coming up related to this breast cancer nightmare. Because I'm BRCA1 positive, I have to have a complete hysterectomy. I have no plans to have more children so this doesn't bother me for that particular reason. However, it bothers me as I have to have my ovaries removed as well. Which means no hormones in my body and premature menopause will kick in. As you can imagine, I'm not thrilled about this at all. I've put off doing this surgery this summer as I simply needed my summer to be about recovery and not more surgeries. I'm seriously so tired of having surgery and being in pain from surgeries. I'm truly over it! But I know I must do this as I'm at high risk for developing ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer since I carry the BRCA1 gene. I had an ultrasound several months ago, and my surgeon said everything looks fine and he saw no signs of cancer in my female organs, but he did stress that cancer can easily hide in these areas until it's ready to show itself. I had a uterine ablation surgery in 2007, which leaves scar tissue in your uterus, so he's concerned something could be there that simply cannot be seen due to scar tissue. My surgery is scheduled for December 15, 2014. I'm not thrilled about having surgery so close to Christmas, but I know I can't keep finding excuses to not having it done. So I'm doing it to get it over with.
While I feel like I should have a sense of relief once this surgery is over, I fear that relief I seek may never come. I've already learned that with every battle I win, a fear is always lurking in the back of my mind. What if this ache is cancer? What if it comes back someplace else? My body aches--I must have cancer there too. These are the thoughts a SURVIVOR has and must learn to deal with. We walk the fine line between not becoming a hypochondriac and not brushing off things that should not be overlooked. The line isn't clear, and it's difficult to tell when to take action and when to stop stressing. It is a daily struggle within myself to relax and enjoy being cancer free in this moment. I don't know what my future holds, and I'm learning I can't do much to control what my future holds when it comes to cancer. I didn't do anything to cause myself to get cancer, and there honestly isn't much I can do to prevent it from coming back. All I can do is try to stay positive and enjoy every moment I have. Living for the moment isn't easy for me. I actually struggle with this. I'm a planner, and I like to be in control of my life. Cancer has forced me to give up that control and have faith in God's plan for me. This hasn't been easy, and I fail daily. But I also pick myself back up daily and keep moving forward with renewed faith. Isn't that what it is really about?
I've fought hard to remain strong through this entire journey, and I've come to the conclusion that I can be strong and also be weak. As contradictory as that may sound, I've learned that strength isn't being so tough nothing ever gets you down. Rather, it's allowing yourself to have weak moments, to be afraid, and to even cry from time to time but getting back up and continuing forward with renewed faith. Strength is being afraid but taking that step anyway. Strength is wanting to do nothing more than hide out and cry but walking right into the middle of the fire with your head held high. This lesson is one I remind myself of daily. Doubt and fear tries to take a hold of me each and every day. But I keep fighting my way out of it, and I am accepting this will likely be a struggle I will face the rest of my life. Gone are the days when I took my health for granted and cancer never crossed my mind. I have a new awareness now, and I have to find that happy medium between blissfully being unaware and being diligent when it comes to my health. I'm still trying to figure this one out, but I can assure you I will figure it out. After what I've come through this past year, I've come to the conclusion I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. Not because I'm so special, tough, or strong but because the human spirit and desire to LIVE is a powerful and driving force.
Here's to surviving not only breast cancer, but all the junk that goes along with it--one day at a time!
This was a great post and I loved the fact, that you're speaking up for such a sensitive topic. Keep up with the great job ! :)
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