How I Rediscovered Myself Through Education

Hello Everyone!

Yes, it's been a while since I've posted in my blog, but as I've stated before, it's for good reason.  I've been so busy enjoying every moment of my life and simply living this beautiful life I've been blessed with that I don't leave a lot of time for myself to blog anymore.  In a sense, that's sad because I enjoy writing, and I know this blog has been and continues to be a blessing to others who are facing the breast cancer journey.  On another note, it's also a source of hope to those of you who are currently facing the journey as, to me, it's proof that your life does get back to normal and every waking second doesn't have to revolve around treatments, surgeries, and fighting for your life!  On that note, I'll take a moment to bring everyone up to speed on the journey my life has taken me since my last post April of 2016.

DIEP FLAP SURGERY
In my last post, I mentioned I had the DIEP flap surgery scheduled for July.  I did NOT follow through with this.  I struggled internally with the decision to go through with that surgery, and I finally made the decision to cancel the surgery.  My decision in no way reflects my opinion or trust of my physician as I am certain he would do a fabulous job.  My decision had more to do with the risks associated with the surgery.  I only weigh 115 lbs, and that doesn't leave much fat for them to take from my stomach area to use as a breast flap.  While I felt it would provide relief in my breast area, I felt I would be taking on a new set of risks associated with the incision from hip to hip across my stomach, and I didn't feel the results were worth that risk.  I have accepted the way in which my body now is, and I'm not willing to take on a large incision across my stomach just to have better breasts at this time.  While I may change my mind in the future, I feel the risk were greater than the rewards at this time.

CORDING
The cording is still there, but I've got it to a manageable level now.  I stretch every day, and I vigorously rub my underarm area and down my arm to keep the scar tissue stretched and from tightening back up.  I cannot stress enough how important stretching is for this.  It can be quite frustrating, but it's part of my every day routine now.

HAIR
Hair--the topic all of you are wondering about most (it's okay, and you're not vain for wondering).  I've had my hair trimmed several times, so it's difficult to say how long it would be if I hadn't trimmed it and such, but it's very healthy and I am so happy with how it looks.  It's long enough that it now tickles my shoulders and even the top part of my back.  The other night, I thought a bug was crawling on my shoulder, but it was just my hair! I'm posting a photo below so you can see the growth year by year.   Top left is October 2013 when I was in the middle of chemo, top right is October 2014, bottom left is October 2015, and bottom right was just taken last week.

JUST CALL ME MIMI
If you think your life won't get better after breast cancer, think again.  When I was diagnosed, I specifically remember saying "I used to say I never wanted to get old.  Now all I want to do is get old and know what it feels like to rock my grand babies".  Life has a funny way of giving you exactly what you ask for, and I couldn't feel more blessed!  In September 2015, my first grand baby entered this world.  At the time, my youngest child was 17 years old, and it had been a long time since I had held a baby.  It didn't take me more than five seconds to fall in love with him, and he's had me wrapped around his little, chubby finger since.  The joy he brings to me is something I can never describe, but I can tell you that I am so grateful for every second I'm blessed in this life and that I was given a second chance to be his Mimi!  I'm posting a photo of him right after his birth as well as his pictures we just took this past weekend celebrating his first birthday.

ONCOLOGIST CHECKUP
Yesterday, I made the two hour (one way) trip to Columbus for a checkup with my new Oncologist.  My former oncologist had left the breast center, and I was assigned a new one.  As I was driving to my appointment, it dawned on me that it was September 26--it was the three year anniversary date of the date in which I was told I had breast cancer.  I drove quietly remembering that day three years ago when I received that phone call and was told "you have breast cancer".  I could still hear my doctor's voice saying it in my mind, and I don't think I'll ever forget how I felt inside.  My doctor continued to talk about treatment plans, surgeries, chemo, radiation, and options, but I honestly didn't hear anything but a loud buzzing in my ears after I heard the word cancer.  His voice sounded a million miles away, and I sat there with a flood of tears running down my cheeks.

The word cancer immediately evoked a sense of dread and fear inside me, and it threatened to stop me in my tracks--all I could think of was death.  I lost all sense of logic and time, and I could feel myself sinking into an a well of fear.  It was like be swallowed up by a cloud of evil.  I cried off and on all day that day even though I received the news while sitting in a hotel room with my son and far from home.  I felt lost inside and completely and utterly helpless.  After a few moments in the car, I returned to the present time, and I smiled as a tear rolled down my cheek.  What a difference three years makes, and I knew in that moment regardless of how weak and hopeless I felt in that initial moment, I fought bravely, and I won.  Not because I beat cancer.  We are not promised tomorrow, and I'm always reluctant to use the phrase "I beat cancer".  I won because in spite of the fear and pain, I continued to move forward with my life.  I refused to allow cancer to control me or the choices I made, and I used the negativity cancer brought into my life and turned it into a powerful lesson for myself and everyone around me.  How did I do this?  Well, please feel free to continue to read on.

DEEP THOUGHTS
As I was driving home from work tonight, I thought about this blog and how I've been neglecting it.  I made the decision to post an update tonight, and I began thinking about what topic I would write about.  While going through treatments, some of my posts were quite deep (and if I may say so myself, insightful).  While I'm sure my followers enjoy the updates on breast-cancer related items, these generalized posts are missing the depth that some of my posts had when I really focused on writing as an outlet.  For me, writing is a way of expressing myself and what's deep inside me.  It isn't difficult for me to let my fingers fly on the keyboard, and everything I'm thinking just ends up on the screen.  Sometimes, things end up on the screen that I didn't even know I was thinking.

Rewind to this time last year (2015).  I was still working on finding myself and figuring out where I fit into this new world of post-breast cancer.  Cancer changes a person--it has to.  You cannot walk into a storm, fight like a warrior, and come out on the other side the same person as when you walked in.  That's why it's called "the other side".  Each evening, I would come home from work, and I would find myself looking for things to do at home.  One can only clean their house so many times--especially when there isn't really anyone in the house making a mess.  My son, who is my oldest, (and the father of Wyatt) is in the Marines, and he lives in California. My older daughter just graduated from college this past spring and lives on her own.  My youngest daughter is now a freshman in college and lives at the school.  Last year at this time, even when my youngest daughter was with me (divorce and shared parenting), she wasn't here that often.  She was a senior in high school and doing her own thing a lot.  For the first time in my life, I found myself with a lot of free time.  I decided I could find something productive to do with this free time, or I could squander it away.  I chose to be productive.  God did not give me a second chance at life to waste it!  I decided to return to college and finish my second degree I had begun in 1997.  With so many online classes and the fact that I work at Ohio University, I knew I could easily do it while continuing to work full time.  So, I applied, was accepted, and I became a college student again at the age of 42 during spring semester (January) 2016.  It was truly the best decision of my life--stay tuned, and I'll explain why.

Since I began during spring semester 2016, I have continued in classes.  I took classes during the summer, and I'm currently enrolled for fall.  I should graduate Fall semester of 2017 (I could graduate sooner, but working full time prevents me from taking a full-time load of classes).  I am not only a college student, but I'm also an Honors Student in the Mackenzie King Honors Program as well.  I have a 4.0 GPA, and I do not say this to brag.  I say this because I KNOW there are women out there reading this who are facing chemo brain and feeling as if they have truly lost brain cells thanks to chemo.  I'm hear to tell you that you can push past it!  Since I returned to school, I have rediscovered myself.  In some ways, I have learned new things about myself, and I'm a better person than ever before.  In other ways, I've found myself again.  Before cancer, I was very ambitious.  I enjoyed my career, and I worked hard at everything I did.  While I continued to work during treatments, my focus was beating cancer.  This caused me to lose my ambition and drive, and that's a very big part of who I am.  It took me a while to find that again, and I found myself struggling to find a foothold or my place.  In a sense, I had to figure out who the new me was before I could figure out where I even fit in anymore.  Returning to school helped me figure that out.  Not only have I expanded my education, but I've pushed through a fog that was lounging in my mind.  Anyone who says chemo brain isn't real is CRAZY, and I'm willing to debate that at any given time.  If you haven't lived it, you really shouldn't say it doesn't exist.  It certainly exists.  I found myself unable to remember certain words or how to spell them.  Occasionally, it still happens, but not to the degree it used to.  When I jumped back into my career after treatments were completed, I had to relearn a large portion of my job.  I couldn't remember how to do things I had personally developed prior to cancer.  I truly felt like I was walking through an unknown area that was shrouded in a dark, deep fog.  I was fumbling around trying to find my way with little light to guide me.  That's how chemo brain feels.

So, what's education got to do with this?  It has everything to do with this.  Let's talk about your butt for a moment.  A tight, BIG butt is all the rage right now.  The Kardashians made having a big butt popular again, and the gyms are full of women doing ridiculous amounts of squats to get a bigger butt.  Meanwhile, I'm wishing mine was smaller, but that's a different topic.  So, now you're thinking: this girl has lost her mind.  She's talking about butts all the sudden.  Stick with me--there's a point here, I promise.  To get that sought-after butt, women work hard, take photos in the mirror to compare progress and work out the glute muscles.  The only way to get the desired result is to work out the muscle.  Now, here comes the point.  The brain is like a muscle.  If you don't exercise it, it gets lazy.  Add some chemo to the mix, and it's not just lazy but it's also foggy.  What's the best way to clear out the fog and kick laziness to the curb?  Exercise!  Learning and education is the best exercise for your brain.  Not only does it help to kick chemo brain to the curb, it develops you as a person.  You grow and expand!  And finally, another notable side effect of education is that it provides you with a positive focus.  Rather than sit around worrying about IF your cancer will return, put your efforts into something positive for yourself such as learning and education.  Not only can it benefit you down the road, but it can redirect your thinking and rewire your brain.  Constant worry of a recurrence is a major concern of cancer survivors, and only YOU can take control of that.

On a closing note, I would like to say that returning to school saved my sanity and has made me a better person.  I am truly happy inside and out, and I am enjoying every moment of my life and the blessings I've been given each and every day.  For those wondering, my checkup went great yesterday at the Oncologist.  He told me to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing because it's working.  So, I'm sharing my secret with you.  It's exercising my brain.  It's growing as a person and simply being thankful for my life and those I'm blessed to call my family.  Finally, it's the fact that I no longer let fear control me.  I've stopped waiting for "when I can...." and just doing it.  Consider this:  I've always wanted to travel to Europe.  But the time was never right, I never had someone to go with me, and I began to feel like it wouldn't ever happen.  Then one day I realized "what am I waiting on--someone to go with me?  Go!".  So, I booked a solo trip to Greece.  I went to Athens, Greece for three days where I walked miles upon miles to view one historical site after another.  I stood in front of the Parthenon and soaked up the history that stood in front of me.  Then, I went to the Island of Crete for 7 days and experienced a culture that is like nothing I've experienced before.  I met people from all over the world and listened to their stories.  I walked on the walls on the Island of Santorini and stood next to the iconic blue domes.  I did it for me--nothing more and nothing less.  I stopped waiting to live my life and simply began living it, and I encourage each and every one of you to do the same.  Traveling alone was an amazing and liberating feeling.  One can truly only learn who they are when they are willing to spend time alone with themselves.  <3