Hello Everyone!
I'm proud of myself that it's only been three months since my last update. While it's not as often as I would like, it's certainly better than my previous 1-year hiatus. I wanted to take this opportunity to provide an update on how I'm doing, how I feel, and talk about my 5-year cancerversary.
I still remember the day I heard "you have breast cancer" as if it was yesterday even though it was in 2013--five years ago. Although I had suspected I might have cancer since I had a rather large lump, numerous doctor appointments and a biopsy, there is a part of you that holds on to hope it won't be cancer. As much as I suspected it probably was cancer, there was a part of me that just couldn't accept that I had cancer. I was 39 years old and too young for that. I felt fine--maybe a little tired, but fine.
Regardless, I was on a weekend trip with my son when I received the call. It was early morning, and I had been awake for an hour waiting on the call to come in. I didn't sleep well the night before as I was worried about that looming call from my doctor with the biopsy results. When my phone finally rang, my heart was in my throat. I felt short of breath, and my fingertips were tingling. My doctor didn't beat around the bush, and he quickly told me I had cancer. He said many other things and talked about treatment plans, but I was a zombie in about 2.2 seconds. I felt like his voice was very far away, and I couldn't seem to comprehend anything he was saying. I was crying and didn't even realize it. Not small tears. But gut wrenching sobs that shook my entire body. My son woke up even through I wasn't actually making a sound. He sat beside me and hugged me from behind. It was the moment in which a child becomes your strength--an adult.
I tried to put on a happy face for my son during the rest of the day, but it was hard to take my mind off of the devastating news. As I drove home, my son fell asleep, and I was able to let down my guard and brave face I was wearing for him. I cried all the way home, which was over a three hour drive. In fact, I think I cried for several days. I walked around in a haze and felt utterly lost. Then, I picked myself up and decided I was going to face this and keep moving forward with my life. I went back to work on Monday, and a rainbow greeted me that morning as I arrived. I felt a sense of calm and peace I hadn't felt in days.
The coming months were not easy. I had 12 weeks of Taxol, a 2-week break, 4 dense dose of AC, a 4 week break, and a double mastectomy. There was nothing easy about the period from September 2013 through April 2014. I continued to work, and I tried to stay strong for my family. Every day was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. I took some time off when I had my surgery, but I was back in my office in May 2014. I had to relearn my job in many aspects. I had a terrible case of chemo brain, and I felt lost. I began radiation a short time later, and after 36 radiation treatments, I was finally able to take a break from so much abuse. While several reconstructive surgeries and a full hysterectomy followed later, I enjoyed that summer and found my smile again. I slowly felt the chemo fog clear my brain, and I began to truly find my new reality. My life wasn't the same as it was prior to cancer. It was my new life. In a sense, I had died, but I was reborn a different person.
One can read my entries to know what's happened during this interim period. What they won't see is what it's like to sit here in this moment. When I was diagnosed, I had this feeling that I needed to cram an entire lifetime in five short years. For some reason, I thought I would die in five years. I managed to shove those fears to the back of my brain, but they have certainly cropped up from time to time. Old habits die hard. And here I sit at the five year mark. The point I secretly thought I would never see. Many people say "you're a survivor, you beat it, you did it, etc". The truth is, I don't feel like I personally did anything to beat cancer. I followed all the treatment plans and did as instructed by my doctors, yes. But so do 1,000s of other women who don't see that five-year mark. The part of me who always questions things has to wonder why. Why me? Why am I still here and other deserving women aren't? So, having said that, I can only say I didn't physically beat cancer because I'm strong. I honestly didn't do anything besides get treatment. The only thing I personally did was mentally try to stay strong, share my story, and do everything I possibly could to help others.
On that note, I can only say I have survivor's guilt to a degree. I feel guilty that I'm still here and so many others are lost to this disease. I have not did anything in my life that qualifies me to survive cancer anymore than the woman who didn't get to survive it. However, I am thankful each and every day of my life. I remind myself every day that I have been given a second chance to be the new person who was reborn after cancer, and I should never return to the person I was before. Not that she was bad, but because I am a new and improved version of myself. Fear still creeps in from time to time, but it's in those moments that I remind myself that God has a plan for me. I am willing to serve as a walking, talking reminder of the fact that he still performs miracles each and every day as long as it's allowed. And when my time is up, I will leave this Earth thankful for the time I was given.
So, here I am at my five-year mark, and I'm Surviving and Thriving. I am so blessed to be here in this moment. Speaking of Thriving, I use Thrive products, and I'm promoter. These products have changed my life. As a cancer survivor, nutrition is so very important, and my busy lifestyle doesn't leave much time to eat healthy like I should. Thrive gives my body the nutrition it needs, and I have found a healthy source of energy through these products. I've kicked a caffeine and coffee addiction by using these products, and the aches and pains I've carried since chemo ended have disappeared. If you're interested in these products, check out my page at the link below where you can sign up for a free, no obligation account to browse products. Additionally, I'm listing my Facebook group where you can post questions or message me for more information.
My Website: https://tmtrussell.le-vel.com/Login
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/309632886287391/
Thank you for reading, and much love and health!
Teresa
The Many Faces of Teresa--a Cancer Survivor five years later. =)
I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I knew it had been quite a while since I had posted any type of update. Imagine my surprise when I checked my DIEP Diaries post, and my last update was June 7, 2017. Here it is June 5, 2018--essentially one year later and no update. I am absolutely ashamed of myself for allowing myself to become so busy I haven't updated something that's so very important to me, but provides a source of support to so many who have or are facing breast cancer and the process of rebuilding your life during the aftermath.
I was trying to think about a topic for discussion. Sure, I will update my DIEP Diaries post with some "after" photos. I know how important it is for people to see what one year later is like. But to be quite honest, I miss just pouring my heart out into my blog and letting what's inside me end up on the Internet because if I'm feeling it, someone else is too. So, here's my blog post about nothing in particular and a little bit of everything all rolled into one.
Some may ask what I've been doing for the past year that's kept me away from my blog. The answer is complicated, but the short story a combination of work, school work, and my family (aka enjoying life). In December 2017, I officially became and Ohio University alumni as I earned my degree in Human and Consumer Sciences. This was a path I began in my early 20's when I earned my Associates Degree while also being a full time mom. Like many moms, I had every intention of continuing my education toward completing my bachelor degree, but the need to work full time and support my family took precedence, and the next thing I knew, it was 17 years later, and I still hadn't finished. After kicking cancer's butt, I promised myself a few things, and working on checking off a few boxes on my personal list of "to do" items included my own educational goals. Many people have asked me what I hoped to achieve by earning my degree since I have an established career. My answer is "know I finished something I set out to complete so many years ago". And that I did. Pictured below is me after my ceremony with my daughters. As a parent, there is nothing more you want than to set an example for your children, and through my graduation, I have shown them that I value education and personal goals.
Prior to my graduation in December, I applied to Graduate school at Ohio University, and I was accepted. Therefore, after finishing up undergraduate work in the fall, I immediately began Graduate courses spring semester 2018. Here it is summer, and I continue to take graduate course work, and I expect to graduate with my Master's Degree in Social Sciences and participate in Spring Commencement activities May 2019. My older daughter, shown in the photo above on the right, is also pursuing her Master's Degree in Public Administration and is scheduled to graduate during the same ceremony as myself. My younger daughter, shown on the left, will begin her senior year at Ohio University this fall, and she now plans to attend Graduate school after she completes her undergraduate work.
I've mentioned in previous posts that school work has helped me to clear the chemo fog from my brain. I feel this is an appropriate time to comment on that earlier statement. I still agree. Does school work stress me out? Yes. Do I dislike some of my classes? Absolutely! In fact, the class I'm in right now isn't my favorite. I have to force myself to do the required readings. But, like chemo, I have to do it so I can meet a goal. Exercising my brain has helped keep my brain occupied. The mind can easily play tricks on you, and lack of goals and something positive to focus on can easily lead to situations where fear can rule your life.
That leads me to the discussion of recurrence. I was diagnosed September 2013, but my lump was present at this time exactly five years ago. So, I can say "five years ago, I had cancer", and it's a true statement. As a triple negative breast cancer survivor, I know my risks. Like my required school work, I did my homework, and the five year period is a crucial time for TNBC survivors. It can come back ANY time, but the time frame I'm in right at this moment is a very crucial period. When I was diagnosed, I ran from one appointment to another, and I felt like I was living in the middle of a hurricane. I saw one doctor after another who had a plan for how to cut the cancer out of my body, what chemotherapy I would receive to shrink the tumor, what surgeries I would have to reduce my risks of recurrence, what surgeries I would need for reconstruction, and even planning months in advance for future radiation treatments. But NO ONE addressed the madness that was in my mind. That all-encompassing fear that lives inside your mind and prevents you from sleeping or functioning like a normal person. I spent months waking from one nightmare after another where I was trying to live an entire lifetime in five years. FIVE YEARS. In my mind, I had somehow convinced myself I had five years left to live. I was convinced I would have a recurrence in five years. I had read the statistics, after all. And here I sit at that crucial five year mark. Tomorrow, I see a new oncologist. Why a new one? My previous oncologist left, and rather than establish myself with a new doctor two hours from my home, it just makes sense to become established with one near my home to make routine visits easier. It's been a year and a half since I last saw a oncologist. Yes, thats much longer than I'm supposed to go between visits. So, why would I do this at such a crucial point? Honestly, because seeing my doctor isn't going to prevent it from coming back if it chooses to. I've taken every preventative measure I can take. Now, am I suggesting this was a good idea? Of course not. In fact, it wasn't intentional. It's demonstrative of how much I've been participating in my life and not living in the cancer world.
After five years of treatments and surgeries, I just needed to focus on life and living, and I've certainly did that. So, tomorrow, I go see the oncologist. I'll talk about how tired I've been lately and the fact that I sometimes feel as if I can't put one foot in front of the other. He will likely ask me what my schedule/life is like, and my reply will be "hectic". I work 50+ hours per week, I'm taking two graduate courses per semester, which is a heavy load for someone who doesn't work full time, and I work full time, and I work like a crazy person around my house never truly allowing myself to relax. So, yes, I am tired. But in retrospect, who wouldn't be when maintaining my schedule? It's times like this I remind myself that cancer isn't the answer to everything that hurts. I simply refuse to give it that much power.
Let's talk hair growth for a minute. I know everyone facing chemo wants to know what to expect with hair growth. It's been 4.5 years since I lost my hair and many haircuts later, and here's a photo of my hair at this time. My hair grows slow, so many people see much faster growth than me. Also, I have face-framing layers, so it's much longer in the back. About half way down my back.
On another note, my son, who was stationed in California as a US Marine is now deployed in Japan. His wife and two children, Wyatt (2) and Willow (1) are now back in Ohio. I am so very thankful to see them although I am very sad it means my son is away from them. Please say a prayer for my son as he serves our country. He misses his family and is making a great sacrifice for each of us. Below are a few photos we took during our reunion with the babies. What a joyous day!
<Insert lots of grandma-like photos here>
As I juggle work, school, and life in general, I remind myself how very blessed I am to have such blessings in my life to juggle. There was a time not so long ago my life revolved around doctor's appointments and treatments, and all I wanted was for my life to be normal and hectic in a good way. So today, I am thankful for all the hectic madness in my life and for my beautiful children and grandchildren. What a wonderful life I have in spite of every single struggle, difficulty, etc. Life isn't about having an easy path. It's what we do with all the bumps, twists, and turns. It's the beauty that comes from struggle and sorrow. It's all of these things rolled up into one. So, as you, my reader, who is facing difficult times, wonder how you'll ever smile again, I can assure you there are bright days ahead. Cry when you need to, but know if you keep putting one foot in front of the other--no matter how slow--you're moving forward. Know that in spite of what you see in the mirror today, you CAN and will come out on the other side of this.
Don't believe me? Below is a photo I had taken to demonstrate that in spite of cancer, a double mastectomy, endless amounts of steroids, a complete hysterectomy and loss of hormones, no nipples, and scars all over my body, cancer cannot and will not take my ability to say "I am a woman, and cancer, you can simply step off"
And in this post, is the many faces of Teresa--a cancer survivor. Tonight, I'll close with that. I have homework that needs completed. =)
Much Love--
Teresa
I was trying to think about a topic for discussion. Sure, I will update my DIEP Diaries post with some "after" photos. I know how important it is for people to see what one year later is like. But to be quite honest, I miss just pouring my heart out into my blog and letting what's inside me end up on the Internet because if I'm feeling it, someone else is too. So, here's my blog post about nothing in particular and a little bit of everything all rolled into one.
Some may ask what I've been doing for the past year that's kept me away from my blog. The answer is complicated, but the short story a combination of work, school work, and my family (aka enjoying life). In December 2017, I officially became and Ohio University alumni as I earned my degree in Human and Consumer Sciences. This was a path I began in my early 20's when I earned my Associates Degree while also being a full time mom. Like many moms, I had every intention of continuing my education toward completing my bachelor degree, but the need to work full time and support my family took precedence, and the next thing I knew, it was 17 years later, and I still hadn't finished. After kicking cancer's butt, I promised myself a few things, and working on checking off a few boxes on my personal list of "to do" items included my own educational goals. Many people have asked me what I hoped to achieve by earning my degree since I have an established career. My answer is "know I finished something I set out to complete so many years ago". And that I did. Pictured below is me after my ceremony with my daughters. As a parent, there is nothing more you want than to set an example for your children, and through my graduation, I have shown them that I value education and personal goals.
Prior to my graduation in December, I applied to Graduate school at Ohio University, and I was accepted. Therefore, after finishing up undergraduate work in the fall, I immediately began Graduate courses spring semester 2018. Here it is summer, and I continue to take graduate course work, and I expect to graduate with my Master's Degree in Social Sciences and participate in Spring Commencement activities May 2019. My older daughter, shown in the photo above on the right, is also pursuing her Master's Degree in Public Administration and is scheduled to graduate during the same ceremony as myself. My younger daughter, shown on the left, will begin her senior year at Ohio University this fall, and she now plans to attend Graduate school after she completes her undergraduate work.
I've mentioned in previous posts that school work has helped me to clear the chemo fog from my brain. I feel this is an appropriate time to comment on that earlier statement. I still agree. Does school work stress me out? Yes. Do I dislike some of my classes? Absolutely! In fact, the class I'm in right now isn't my favorite. I have to force myself to do the required readings. But, like chemo, I have to do it so I can meet a goal. Exercising my brain has helped keep my brain occupied. The mind can easily play tricks on you, and lack of goals and something positive to focus on can easily lead to situations where fear can rule your life.
That leads me to the discussion of recurrence. I was diagnosed September 2013, but my lump was present at this time exactly five years ago. So, I can say "five years ago, I had cancer", and it's a true statement. As a triple negative breast cancer survivor, I know my risks. Like my required school work, I did my homework, and the five year period is a crucial time for TNBC survivors. It can come back ANY time, but the time frame I'm in right at this moment is a very crucial period. When I was diagnosed, I ran from one appointment to another, and I felt like I was living in the middle of a hurricane. I saw one doctor after another who had a plan for how to cut the cancer out of my body, what chemotherapy I would receive to shrink the tumor, what surgeries I would have to reduce my risks of recurrence, what surgeries I would need for reconstruction, and even planning months in advance for future radiation treatments. But NO ONE addressed the madness that was in my mind. That all-encompassing fear that lives inside your mind and prevents you from sleeping or functioning like a normal person. I spent months waking from one nightmare after another where I was trying to live an entire lifetime in five years. FIVE YEARS. In my mind, I had somehow convinced myself I had five years left to live. I was convinced I would have a recurrence in five years. I had read the statistics, after all. And here I sit at that crucial five year mark. Tomorrow, I see a new oncologist. Why a new one? My previous oncologist left, and rather than establish myself with a new doctor two hours from my home, it just makes sense to become established with one near my home to make routine visits easier. It's been a year and a half since I last saw a oncologist. Yes, thats much longer than I'm supposed to go between visits. So, why would I do this at such a crucial point? Honestly, because seeing my doctor isn't going to prevent it from coming back if it chooses to. I've taken every preventative measure I can take. Now, am I suggesting this was a good idea? Of course not. In fact, it wasn't intentional. It's demonstrative of how much I've been participating in my life and not living in the cancer world.
After five years of treatments and surgeries, I just needed to focus on life and living, and I've certainly did that. So, tomorrow, I go see the oncologist. I'll talk about how tired I've been lately and the fact that I sometimes feel as if I can't put one foot in front of the other. He will likely ask me what my schedule/life is like, and my reply will be "hectic". I work 50+ hours per week, I'm taking two graduate courses per semester, which is a heavy load for someone who doesn't work full time, and I work full time, and I work like a crazy person around my house never truly allowing myself to relax. So, yes, I am tired. But in retrospect, who wouldn't be when maintaining my schedule? It's times like this I remind myself that cancer isn't the answer to everything that hurts. I simply refuse to give it that much power.
Let's talk hair growth for a minute. I know everyone facing chemo wants to know what to expect with hair growth. It's been 4.5 years since I lost my hair and many haircuts later, and here's a photo of my hair at this time. My hair grows slow, so many people see much faster growth than me. Also, I have face-framing layers, so it's much longer in the back. About half way down my back.
On another note, my son, who was stationed in California as a US Marine is now deployed in Japan. His wife and two children, Wyatt (2) and Willow (1) are now back in Ohio. I am so very thankful to see them although I am very sad it means my son is away from them. Please say a prayer for my son as he serves our country. He misses his family and is making a great sacrifice for each of us. Below are a few photos we took during our reunion with the babies. What a joyous day!
<Insert lots of grandma-like photos here>
As I juggle work, school, and life in general, I remind myself how very blessed I am to have such blessings in my life to juggle. There was a time not so long ago my life revolved around doctor's appointments and treatments, and all I wanted was for my life to be normal and hectic in a good way. So today, I am thankful for all the hectic madness in my life and for my beautiful children and grandchildren. What a wonderful life I have in spite of every single struggle, difficulty, etc. Life isn't about having an easy path. It's what we do with all the bumps, twists, and turns. It's the beauty that comes from struggle and sorrow. It's all of these things rolled up into one. So, as you, my reader, who is facing difficult times, wonder how you'll ever smile again, I can assure you there are bright days ahead. Cry when you need to, but know if you keep putting one foot in front of the other--no matter how slow--you're moving forward. Know that in spite of what you see in the mirror today, you CAN and will come out on the other side of this.
Don't believe me? Below is a photo I had taken to demonstrate that in spite of cancer, a double mastectomy, endless amounts of steroids, a complete hysterectomy and loss of hormones, no nipples, and scars all over my body, cancer cannot and will not take my ability to say "I am a woman, and cancer, you can simply step off"
And in this post, is the many faces of Teresa--a cancer survivor. Tonight, I'll close with that. I have homework that needs completed. =)
Much Love--
Teresa
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