Surviving & Thriving 5 Years Later

Hello Everyone!

I'm proud of myself that it's only been three months since my last update.  While it's not as often as I would like, it's certainly better than my previous 1-year hiatus.  I wanted to take this opportunity to provide an update on how I'm doing, how I feel, and talk about my 5-year cancerversary.

I still remember the day I heard "you have breast cancer" as if it was yesterday even though it was in 2013--five years ago.  Although I had suspected I might have cancer since I had a rather large lump, numerous doctor appointments and a biopsy, there is a part of you that holds on to hope it won't be cancer.  As much as I suspected it probably was cancer, there was a part of me that just couldn't accept that I had cancer.  I was 39 years old and too young for that.  I felt fine--maybe a little tired, but fine.

Regardless, I was on a weekend trip with my son when I received the call.  It was early morning, and I had been awake for an hour waiting on the call to come in.  I didn't sleep well the night before as I was worried about that looming call from my doctor with the biopsy results.  When my phone finally rang, my heart was in my throat.  I felt short of breath, and my fingertips were tingling.  My doctor didn't beat around the bush, and he quickly told me I had cancer.  He said many other things and talked about treatment plans, but I was a zombie in about 2.2 seconds.  I felt like his voice was very far away, and I couldn't seem to comprehend anything he was saying.  I was crying and didn't even realize it.  Not small tears.  But gut wrenching sobs that shook my entire body.  My son woke up even through I wasn't actually making a sound.  He sat beside me and hugged me from behind.  It was the moment in which a child becomes your strength--an adult.

I tried to put on a happy face for my son during the rest of the day, but it was hard to take my mind off of the devastating news.  As I drove home, my son fell asleep, and I was able to let down my guard and brave face I was wearing for him.  I cried all the way home, which was over a three hour drive.  In fact, I think I cried for several days.  I walked around in a haze and felt utterly lost.  Then, I picked myself up and decided I was going to face this and keep moving forward with my life.  I went back to work on Monday, and a rainbow greeted me that morning as I arrived.  I felt a sense of calm and peace I hadn't felt in days.

The coming months were not easy.  I had 12 weeks of Taxol, a 2-week break, 4 dense dose of AC, a 4 week break, and a double mastectomy.  There was nothing easy about the period from September 2013 through April 2014.  I continued to work, and I tried to stay strong for my family.  Every day was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  I took some time off when I had my surgery, but I was back in my office in May 2014.  I had to relearn my job in many aspects.  I had a terrible case of chemo brain, and I felt lost.  I began radiation a short time later, and after 36 radiation treatments, I was finally able to take a break from so much abuse.  While several reconstructive surgeries and a full hysterectomy followed later, I enjoyed that summer and found my smile again.  I slowly felt the chemo fog clear my brain, and I began to truly find my new reality.  My life wasn't the same as it was prior to cancer.  It was my new life.  In a sense, I had died, but I was reborn a different person.

One can read my entries to know what's happened during this interim period.  What they won't see is what it's like to sit here in this moment.  When I was diagnosed, I had this feeling that I needed to cram an entire lifetime in five short years.  For some reason, I thought I would die in five years.  I managed to shove those fears to the back of my brain, but they have certainly cropped up from time to time.  Old habits die hard.  And here I sit at the five year mark.  The point I secretly thought I would never see.  Many people say "you're a survivor, you beat it, you did it, etc".  The truth is, I don't feel like I personally did anything to beat cancer.  I followed all the treatment plans and did as instructed by my doctors, yes.  But so do 1,000s of other women who don't see that five-year mark.  The part of me who always questions things has to wonder why.  Why me?  Why am I still here and other deserving women aren't?  So, having said that, I can only say I didn't physically beat cancer because I'm strong.  I honestly didn't do anything besides get treatment.  The only thing I personally did was mentally try to stay strong, share my story, and do everything I possibly could to help others.

On that note, I can only say I have survivor's guilt to a degree.  I feel guilty that I'm still here and so many others are lost to this disease.  I have not did anything in my life that qualifies me to survive cancer anymore than the woman who didn't get to survive it.  However, I am thankful each and every day of my life.  I remind myself every day that I have been given a second chance to be the new person who was reborn after cancer, and I should never return to the person I was before.  Not that she was bad, but because I am a new and improved version of myself.  Fear still creeps in from time to time, but it's in those moments that I remind myself that God has a plan for me.  I am willing to serve as a walking, talking reminder of the fact that he still performs miracles each and every day as long as it's allowed.  And when my time is up, I will leave this Earth thankful for the time I was given.

So, here I am at my five-year mark, and I'm Surviving and Thriving.  I am so blessed to be here in this moment.  Speaking of Thriving, I use Thrive products, and I'm promoter.  These products have changed my life.  As a cancer survivor, nutrition is so very important, and my busy lifestyle doesn't leave much time to eat healthy like I should.  Thrive gives my body the nutrition it needs, and I have found a healthy source of energy through these products.  I've kicked a caffeine and coffee addiction by using these products, and the aches and pains I've carried since chemo ended have disappeared.  If you're interested in these products, check out my page at the link below where you can sign up for a free, no obligation account to browse products.  Additionally, I'm listing my Facebook group where you can post questions or message me for more information.

My Website:  https://tmtrussell.le-vel.com/Login

Facebook:   https://www.facebook.com/groups/309632886287391/

Thank you for reading, and much love and health!

Teresa