I had my seventh does of Taxol yesterday, December 2, 2013. My friend, Missy Frechette, took me to my appointment. Missy and I have known one another since the winter of 2009. How we met is quite an interesting story, and I can only say it can only be God's plan that we became friends. You see, I only met Missy because I began dating her ex-husband. My relationship with her ex-husband was one of constant turmoil and pain, and through heartache and common ground, we became friends. We shared a common bond and understanding between women that only two women who have been in such a relationship can truly understand. While dating her ex-husband, I became close to his and Missy's children. Their youngest wasn't quite a year old when I met him. I was there when he took his first steps encouraging him he could do it. I changed many of his diapers and sat up with him in the middle of the night. Little did I know I was forming a bond with these children that would continue long after my relationship had ended. I found Missy to be a good friend who understood that not talking every day doesn't mean you're no longer friends. It simply means you're a busy mom with a lot on her plate! I have watched Missy struggle as a single parent and put herself through college graduating from Ohio University (where I also work) with her bachelors degree. She too is a fighter. Fighters come in all forms, and I am so very proud of her for achieving her goals in spite of the odds, and I'm proud to call her my friend.
My first appointment was at 11 a.m, but we arrived about 9:30. I wanted to pick up a new wig I had ordered that was a bit shorter than my current one. Missy and I had fun trying on hats while we were waiting on the stylist to steam the wig so it parted on the correct side. We tried on about every hat in the store, took silly photos, and laughed--a lot. At one point, we were signing and dancing in front of the mirror. It felt good to laugh!
Having said all this, my chemo went fine. I also had a check-up with my oncologist's assistant. She checked Diablo the tumor and had trouble even finding him. I had to show her how to press and pinch to feel him, and she too was amazed at how much it's shrunk already! The size of my tumor is still a decent size, but it's hard to find because it's deep but not that wide. It's also soft now. So it's easy to miss. This simply shows how deceitful cancer can be. How easy it is to miss. I know there is a cancerous tumor there; yet, even a trained physician's assistant had trouble locating it. You have to know exactly how to press and feel to find it now. This further shows how important it is to check your breasts regularly. No one knows your breasts like YOU, and only you will recognize a change quickly before it's so large and obvious it's had time to spread.
I had to be stuck three times yesterday for my IV. The first time, she didn't push the catheter into my vein all the way before removing the needle, and my vein rolled. I knew it was going to happen as I watched her do it. The second stick, she actually got the IV started fine, and she drew blood. She taped up my IV, and I saw my doctor. By the time I got to the Chemo area, the IV must have moved. Again, the catheter was partially exposed, so it simply left wiggle room. It was in the bend of my arm, so I'm not surprised it moved. Two hours passed from the time she started it and when I made it to the Chemo department. When the nurse began injecting the steroid in my IV, it burned really bad, and I said "Ouch" without even thinking. She knew right away the IV was in my tissue and not my vein. So, I was stuck a third time, and this one was fine. They ended up in the top of my hand, which is my least favorite place. It just hurts there. And my vein always blows when they remove the IV. I have tiny veins, so it's no surprise. The chemo nurse made me sit there for a good 20 minutes after my chemo was complete to flush my vein this time. She said my veins are seeing some wear. I suppose I'm very stubborn because I disagree. I refuse to believe that my veins are well behaved for some nurses and naughty for others!
As I mentioned above, I had to receive steroids prior to my chemo again this week thanks to last weeks allergic reaction. I truly hate how the steroids make me feel. I feel so jittery and hyper all day. Extra energy is nice, but not in the drug induced form. At least not to me. I am normally ready for bed about 9 p.m., and I was wide awake at 10:30 p.m. last night. About 9:30 p.m, I was sitting on the couch, and I had the worst hot flash of my life. It was unlike any hot flash I've ever felt before. The minute it started, I knew what it was. I had been warned about chemo throwing me into early menopause, so I recognized it for what it was. I've had a hot flash before, but this was totally different. This felt like a wave of extreme heat slowly moving through my body. I had wondered if I was menopausal prior to Chemo, and last night's events confirmed I was NOT because I surly would have recognized that. I went to bed hoping that would be the one and only case--wrong. I knew I would have difficulty sleeping thanks to the steroid, so I took two of my Ambien (5 mg each) rather than the one I normally take. I was told when they prescribed I could take two, but I only take one as it seems to do the trick for me. If you can't tell--I really hate taking medication! One Ambien normally knocks me out for the night. A small earthquake wouldn't wake me up. So taking two and still waking up all night shows how much the steroids affect me. Plus, I woke up constantly through the night with hot flashes. I alternated between hot and cold all night long. It makes for a very restless night, and it's quite frustrating!
I also spoke to my doctor about some periods of neuropathy in my hands. I have periods lasting about an hour per day where my hands sting and burn. It's a strange feeling. They warn you to watch for numbness in your hands, but it doesn't feel like numbness at first. To me, it felt like my hands were very dry and chapped, and they would burn/sting. I have noticed that when I carry things or grip something, it tends to bring it on. So my advice is to let others carry heavy items and limit gripping things if you can!
I feel things are going very well for me at this time. I alternate daily between feeling good about where I am with treatment and dealing with the fact that I have breast cancer and feeling very down. I feel I am struggling with a bit of depression, and that's very hard for me to admit. It doesn't help it's dark outside at 5 p.m., and I am NOT a fan of cold weather. I've always had a lot more energy in the summer than in the winter, and I feel my health issues have compounded that a bit. I realize there are medications available to me to help with this, but I do not feel this is the answer. I feel it's simply a case of mind over matter, and I refuse to deal with this any other way besides determination and fighting back. I will not allow this to beat me physically or mentally, so I feel I must remain strong. That means not allowing sad feelings to get the best of me and pushing forward in my life. Breast cancer as taught me we truly are not guaranteed tomorrow and we do not know how long we have. It is my goal to enjoy every moment of this life I have and not worry about how much of it is left. No matter how often those thoughts creep into my mind. It's simply not a healthy way to live day to day.
Be fierce in your life. You only get one.
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