I Have Breast Cancer--Say What?

Hair Regrowth

I had my last chemo on March 7, 2014. Like every other patient who has lost their hair, I began scouring the internet to find out how long it took for hair to begin appearing after the last chemo. I wanted to know what was a reasonable expectation. I couldn't find a lot, so I thought I would document my hair growth; and perhaps, it would help someone who is looking like I did.

1 Month Since Last Chemo (April 7, 2014)

My Head: I could feel more stubble on my head. However, it's coming in blonde; and it isn't very visible. My hair was dark brown, so seeing blonde peach fuzz on my head isn't too encouraging.
My Eyebrows: I'm still drawing in my eyebrows, and no visible hairs so far.
My Eyelashes: I have eyelashes poking through! I only noticed it while putting eyeliner on my top lid (I have been lining my top lid heavily to hide the fact that I don't have eyelashes). They are barely there, but they are definitely growing!
Body Hair: I still don't have any hair growing on my legs, pubic area, or under my arms. I'm okay with this though!

1 Month & 1 Week Since Last Chemo (April 17, 2014)

My Head: My hair on my head still feels the same to me. I look every day to see if it's growing or gaining color, but so far, I don't see it.
My Eyebrows: I can feel eyebrows and you can see it! Last night, I was washing my face, and I had what looked like dirt smudged in my eyebrow area. When I tried to wipe it off, I realized it was my eyebrows coming in. I was so excited to see the beginning of my eyebrows coming back I almost cried. My eyebrows are dark brown as they were before. It currently looks like a "5 O'Clock Shadow".
My Eyelashes: My eyelashes continue to grow! I am seeing more and more hairs as they thicken up and continue to grow. They are not as dark as my former lashes so far. They are almost blonde like the hair on my head. I can put mascara on them when they get longer, so the color doesn't matter to me at this point. I'm just happy to see eyelashes!
Body Hair: I still don't have any hair growing on my legs, pubic area, or under my arms. I'm okay with this though!

5 Months Since Last Chemo (August 7, 2014)
I am way behind updating this portion of my blog, and to all my readers, I apologize. I KNOW this is a topic I looked for guidelines on what to expect for hair growth, so I'm kicking myself for not keeping up with this a little better. I'm going to attempt to catch up via this one update to include photo documentation, which I HAVE kept up with!

My Head: I began seeing very noticeable and unmistakable hair on my head near the end of April and beginning of May. One more came in, it was actually very dark. I'm not sure why it seemed blonde at first, but the more that came in, the darker it was. It's now barely over an inch long after 5 months of growth. It's longer on top than it is on the sides, and I don't have an inch of "bangs" yet. I take Biotin to encourage growth plus I use the Nioxin shampoo and Conditioner, which you can get at any salon. This is for thinning hair, but it also works great to encourage growth for chemo patients. It's a little pricey, but worth it.
My Eyebrows: As I stated above, I began seeing my eyebrows coming in a month after chemo ended. Within a month of them starting to grow, they were pretty much back, but they were not as thick or as filled in as they had been prior to chemo. I don't mind filling them in when I have my real eyebrows to guide me regarding my natural shape though. It's very hard to draw eyebrows on a blank canvas and get them to look natural. Now for the bad news--about a month ago (4 months after chemo), I began noticing it seemed my eyebrows were thinning again. Especially my left eyebrow. At first, I felt like I was imagining things, but a month later, I now know I wasn't. New and much fuller (more like my eyebrows before chemo) eyebrows are growing in now. The left side is still a little behind the right, but it's not bad. I just use eyebrow filler, and don't even notice it.
My Eyelashes: My eyelashes were just barely long enough to start putting mascara on about 2 months after my last chemo. They weren't very long, but I was just happy to have something. They seemed to grow out quickly, and they were pretty long. Longer than I remember my former lashes? They got darker as they thickened up. However, as with my eyebrows, I began noticing them thinning out or even falling out again over the past month or so. New eyelashes were growing in as I was slowly losing what first grew, so it's not like I was completely without eyelashes. My eyelashes on my right side are worse than my left. I had read somewhere that some chemo patients lose their eyelashes and eyebrows a second time if they come in right away after chemo, which is exactly what happened to me, but it really wasn't traumatic. It was a gradual process as new was coming in, so it's been bearable.
Body Hair: Not longer after my last update at one month post chemo, the body hair came back full force. I wish the hair on my head grew as fast as the hair on my legs and other "regions" on my body. I would have long hair already! I'm back to shaving every single day of my life. I also want to point out that do not be alarmed when you see peach fuzz on your face after chemo. I promise it was always there. It just becomes very noticeable when it's growing back in. I feel like the hair on my arms (blonde and "invisible") is back to normal now.

Pathology Report

My surgical oncologist called me this morning with my pathology report from the tissue and nodes removed during my mastectomy surgery completed last week. I've been praying I would be told no additional cancer areas were found, and all the nodes removed during surgery would be all clear. I didn't get the good news I was hoping to get; but overall, the news was good. I remind myself it could be worse.

I had a bilateral mastectomy, meaning both breasts were removed. My breast cancer was only in the left side; but I chose to have the tissue removed from both breasts due to having the BRCA1 gene, which increases your chances significantly for a recurrent in your other breast. The tissue removed from the right side was completely clear of cancer. This was fantastic news as I constantly had a nagging worry that there was a tumor hiding on that side.

I had a MRI of my breasts after I completed chemo. This revealed the tumor, which was 8 cm before I began chemo, had responded very well to my chemo treatments and had shrunk to being smaller than the size of a pea. I was told I had responded very well to my chemo treatments and I was very near a response of 100%. The lab, however, did find scattered tumor cells in the area in which the tumor was. These scattered tumor cells were residual cancer cells from the original tumor. While they did find scattered cancer cells we didn't know were there until the tissue was put under a microscope, the margins around the breast tissue that was removed were 100% clear of any cancer cells. This is very important as it means the cancer cells were all removed from the breast tissue.

I had a sentinal node biopsy October 2013 before I began chemo. This consisted of my surgical oncologist injecting the tumor in my breast with a radioactive dye. During surgery, he then used a light while looking at my lymph nodes in my arm pit. The dye, which was injected into my tumor, would drain into the first lymph nodes in which the tumor drained. The idea is to determine which lymph nodes the tumor first drains into so they can be removed to look for cancer cells. This is how the physician determines if the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes. 15 nodes were removed during this sentinal node biopsy, and 5 of the 15 contained cancer cells. 1 had a small tumor on it, and the other 4 contained micro cancer cells. This news devastated me as I wanted to hear I had no lymph node involvement; but after the initial shock of hearing this, I accepted this as MY personal results and found the positive in this news. 5 out of 15 isn't bad odds. That meant 33.3% of the nodes removed had cancer. That's less than half, so I was thankful for this. During this surgery, only the nodes that lit up using the light were removed. Therefore, there were still lymph nodes remaining in this area. These would be removed during my mastectomy surgery. This is called an auxiliary dissection.

During my auxiliary dissection last week, 15 additional lymph nodes were removed. 3 of the 15 removed revealed microscopic cancer cells. Once again, I was hoping and praying I would be given an all clear on the remaining lymph nodes; but once again, I wasn't given the exact news I wanted. However, I am thankful for the results I was given as 3 out of 15 isn't bad, and it certainly could have been worse. Additionally, the cancer cells found in these 3 nodes were micro cells meaning it was such a small amount it could only be found under a microscope. Based on my results from my first node biopsy and the remaining nodes, I had a total of 8 nodes positive for cancer out of 30 total nodes. This means 27% of the total nodes removed were positive for cancer. I was upset at first to hear the news that I've been walking around with nodes that had cancer for the past 6-7 months. To me, this meant the cancer has had 6-7 months to be spread from my lymph nodes by my lymphatic system to other areas within my body--meaning metastasized cancer is a very real possibility in my future. However, after a few moments, I forced myself to stop focusing on this and consider the overall odds. My overall odds are now better than they were before. Having 33.3% cancerous nodes before compared to my overall rate I now have of 27% is actually good news. My overall node involvement is lower than it was before. THAT is what I choose to focus on.

I'm healing well from surgery. It's been 8 days since my surgery, and while I am still doing nothing besides sitting on my couch letting my body heal; I am slowly feeling better. I can now stand up from the couch on my own without someone assisting me. Yes, I still have pain on my chest, and I'm still very sore overall; but it's much better than it was last week at this time. It is tempting to begin doing some things around the house, but I still have three drains intact; and if I begin doing things too soon, it will increase the fluid draining (which we have to dump and record for review) into the drains. They won't remove drains that are putting out too much fluid. Therefore, I will keep my butt planted on the couch, so I can hopefully get these three drains out at my upcoming appointment on Wednesday.

I get my first expander fill on Wednesday as well. For those that don't know what this means, tissue expanders were placed during my surgery last week. Only 40 cc's of saline was placed in my expanders, so I essentially came home very flat chested. My surgeon had to remove a great deal of skin from my breasts to ensure he got clean margins around the tumor. This didn't leave a lot of room for the expanders to be filled much at the time of surgery. I don't know how much my expanders will be filled on Wednesday. They will base it on what I can tolerate and what won't put too much pressure on my incisions, which are still healing. the expanders will continue to be filled weekly until my desired size has been reached. I will then have surgery to remove the expanders and replace them with silicone implants. I hope this process doesn't take too long as expanders are not comfortable at all. They feel nothing like implants and feel very hard beneath your skin.

Mastectomy Surgery with Tissue Expander placement.

I haven't been as diligent at updating my blog since I finished with Chemo. The first two weeks after my final AC treatment, I was struggling to overcome that last chemo and simply feel "good". Then I began to feel more and more like myself and began having energy to do more than walk from my bed to the couch. I simply couldn't stand the idea of sitting on my couch or computer when for the first time in months, I had energy and the desire to leave my house. I had four weeks between my last chemo and my mastectomy surgery. However, only the last two weeks were "functional" times.

My mastectomy surgery was on April 10, 2014. I had to report to the hospital at 6:15 a.m., and my surgery was scheduled to begin at 8:30 a.m. I was extremely nervous about the surgery as I had never been under anesthesia for more than two hours in the past. I had already been told I had heart damage from the chemo, so I couldn't seem to stop worrying that something would happen during such a long surgery. My doctor's were anticipating I would be in surgery for about 6 hours. My Surgical Oncologist, Dr. Povoski, would first do the mastectomy and lymph node dissection. After he was done, my Reconstructive Physician, Dr. Chao, would insert the tissue expanders and close up. I was a nervous wreck the morning of the surgery although I tried hard to hide it and keep my whits about me. I was sitting in the waiting room with my husband, sister, brother-in-law, and two of my children, when I went to the front desk to let them know I needed to use the restroom (they had told me to tell them before I went because they needed a urine sample). Rather than giving me a cup and sending me to the restroom, they decided to go ahead and take me to the Pre-op area and get things started. I had to walk back to my family and quickly tell them goodbye. Maybe it was best it worked out that way, but I was struggling to keep it together as I walked to the pre-op area. Chuck went with me as I was allowed one person at a time. He kept trying to reassure me that I was going to be okay, but I couldn't seem to stop the tears from coming. Fear had a grip on me.

After some time, Chuck went out and sent my sister, Cindy, back. When she walked in my room, I instantly began crying and she gave me a big hug assuring me everything was going to be fine. As always, I felt better just having her there telling me it was okay. The nurse came in to go over some pre-op questions before they took me to the OR holding room. She told my sister to get both of my kids and bring them back so I could see them together before she took me to the OR area. This also made me feel so much better. I was able to hug and kiss them and reassure them (or maybe I was the one who needed reassurance) everything was going to be okay. After hugging and kissing my children and THEM reassuring me it was going to be okay, it was time to go. Cindy and Chuck got to hug me one last time before they were ushered out. They then began wheeling me to the 5th floor OR room. I was taken to the waiting area where they got my IV started. Thankfully, my veins cooperated and there were no issues with that. I was worried my veins would blow or there would be a problem; but, I had worried for nothing. I lay there waiting to be taken to the OR, and I just prayed. I prayed God would watch over the doctors and nursing staff responsible for my care. I prayed God would watch over me and keep me safe. To allow me to say I was cancer free when this surgery was over. I prayed God would give my family peace of mind and comfort them while I was in surgery. I just prayed!

A nurse came by shortly after to tell me she was giving me a shot of "happy juice". She patted my hand and said "I know you're nervous and scared. This will help with the fears and allow you to relax. We will be taking you to the OR soon". She was right. Within moments of her giving me that shot in my IV, I felt relaxed. Once I was in the OR, they had me scoot from the gurney to the operating table. There were people everywhere all around me; but I couldn't bring myself to look around. The nerves were back. Dr. Povoski was standing right by my bed and began talking to me. I've had my share of surgeries; and he is the only doctor that's EVER been in the OR room with me before I was knocked out. I can't think of a single doctor or time where I saw the doctor in that room prior to going under. But there he stood--comforting me and truly concerned about how scared I was feeling. I told him he was seeing my childhood friend, Stephanie Buckley, and he instantly knew whom I was talking about. We had previously talked about Connie Nelson, my sister's mother-in-law, who was also seeing him since I had been diagnosed. The last thing I remember talking about with him was Stephanie. I remember them putting the mask on my face and telling me to take a few deep breaths, and then my eyes got heavy--and I don't remember anything else until many hours later I woke up in the recovery room. A kind, male nurse was sitting by my side asking if I was in pain and wanted something for the pain. I said yes or something close to that; but he got the message well enough. I remember waking up a few times before they finally told me they were going to transport me to my room and once I was settled in my bed, they would give me more pain medication.

Once they wheeled me to my room, I had to scoot from the gurney to my bed in my room. I cannot BEGIN to describe how painful this was. My chest felt like a truck had hit me, and every movement I made hurt. I gave myself a pep talk to just grit my teeth and do it as quickly as I could. Pain medication would be my reward. In a few movements, I had myself in my bed; but tears were streaming down my face because it hurt so badly. But I did it! I also was extremely thirsty and begging for water. They offered me crackers, and I do remember smartly saying "my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth because my mouth is dry. There is no way I can eat crackers. Water!". My sister said after only a few minutes, I was loudly complaining wanting to know where my water was because it had been a long time since I had asked. My sister said it had been about 1 minute. LOL Finally, I did get my water, which I downed most of it in one gulp and asked for more.

While I slept a lot during that night and into the next morning, I was also in a considerable amount of pain. My chest was VERY sore, and it really did feel like I had been hit by a truck. It wasn't necessarily the incisions across my breasts that hurt. My breasts themselves were somewhat numb; but I was quite sore in that area that is comparable to the absolute worst bruise possible. I had three drains on the left side as well as two drains on the right side coming from my sides. The drains hurt like hell. There is no other way to put it. Every move you make pulls and tugs on them, and it burns and stings. The expanders that were put in my breast were awkward and tight feeling. They are nothing like implants. I've had implants for ten years, and expanders are not even close to an implant. They are a more rigid plastic and a bit uncomfortable. During my pre-op appointment, my plastic surgeon had agreed to fill my expanders as full as he could so I wouldn't come out of surgery flat chested. Not because I care about having boobs right at this moment, but I didn't want the shock of looking at my chest completely flat with no nipples at the same time. So, you can imagine my shock the first time the nurse peeked at my incisions and I saw myself--completely flat chested with huge, ugly incisions across my breasts. What happened to coming out of surgery with the expanders somewhat filled?!

My sister was standing there when this happened, and I looked at my sister while saying "Why am I so flat--what is this"? Yes, I realize beating cancer, coming through a major surgery, and surviving this mess are the most important things; but I would also like to look and feel good as well. Cindy immediately spoke up and said "Dr. Chao explained to us that he was only able to put about 40 cc's in each expander because the skin was pretty tight over them. He didn't want there to be a lot of tension on your incisions while they are healing." While this explanation made perfect sense, and I understood the reasoning, I was struggling with accepting a change from the plan I had in my mind. As I've said before, I'm a planner, and when things deviate from the plan, I struggle to keep up. Thank God for my sister who knows me so very well and got all the information to questions she knew I'd be asking when I was awake. She didn't want me to freak out not having answers, so she made sure she asked them for me.

My sister, brother-in-law, and my children left to head home shortly after. Chuck stayed in my room with me. I couldn't reach or more my arms more than an inch from my body, so having someone in the room with me was pretty important--and an exhausting job for them. I quickly became frustrated not being able to even reach for a drink myself without help. I hated constantly asking him to get up to hand me things; but I honestly had no choice. I simply couldn't do it myself. I'm very thankful he was there to help me. I had a roommate on the other side of a curtain who snored very loudly, talked very loudly to the nurses and cried, moaned and wailed often. I tried very hard to be sympathetic toward her; but I quickly became frustrated because she would sleep easily without interruption yet every time I tried to sleep, she would make tons of noise and wake me up. So, while I wanted to sleep that night, I didn't get much of an opportunity between her and the nurses coming into my room. At one point, Chuck was making movements and body gestures to match the sounds she was making, and it was quite funny. I finally had to tell him to stop because laughing truly hurt!

I was released the day after my surgery, and we headed home about 1:30 p.m. The ride home seemed endless, and I felt every bump in the road during the 2 hour drive. The next few days are a blur to me. I hear the weather was glorious and warm. I wouldn't know. I spent it sleeping, eating, and taking pain medication. I began feeling less pain and stiffness on day 4 after surgery. By day 5, I was finally able to sit or stand up on my own without being pulled up by someone else. Yes, you read that right. I wasn't able to stand up from the couch or get up without being helped. I simply couldn't do it alone.

Today, April 16, 2014, I had a check-up appointment with my surgical oncologist and my reconstructive surgeon. My reconstructive surgeon removed 2 drains today. Yes, I still have 3 drains, but I was happy to get two taken out today. It's a start! He said as long as my fluid levels stay low in the drains (which means I have to keep my activity level low), I will likely get the other three out next week. My incisions were checked, and he said everything looked good. I will get my first expander fill at next week's appointment. The amount I am given will be determined by what I can tolerate and what feels safe to my doctor. I then went to my surgical oncologist, and he informed me my pathology reports were not all back yet. I am to call him on Friday to get my pathology report from the tissue that was removed during surgery. My doctor did tell me there was no cancer found in the tissue from the right side, and the margins around the tumor from the left side were very good and clear. He said he removed 15 lymph nodes during the dissection (15 were removed during my sentinal node dissection as well). Of the 15 removed this time, 4 nodes were being tested further for cancer cells. This tells me something in these 4 looked questionable, but no answers will be available until the final report comes in. Therefore, I simply ask for prayer from each one of my readers that none of the nodes removed during this surgery contained cancer. My first biopsy showed 5 out of 15 had cancer, and I would LOVE it if that did not change for the worse.

I will update again when I have further news. Thank you to all my readers!

Teresa

Post-Opt Appointments & Cardiologist

Now that chemo is over, my life has begun revolving around doctor appointments for my upcoming surgery. I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene, which means I carry a genetic mutation that caused me to get breast cancer. This mutation means I'm missing 11 genes in my body that carry tumor suppressor proteins. Because I carry this gene, I am at high risk to develop ovarian cancer as well. So, when I'm done with my breast cancer battle, I will also have to have surgery to have my ovaries removed. Since I tested positive for the gene, my chances of having a recurrence of breast cancer in my current non-breast cancer side (the right) are very high. Therefore, I will be have a complete bilateral mastectomy (both sides) on April 10, 2014. This is the best plan to try to prevent a future case of breast cancer.

I expected to get a break from doctor appointments and running to Columbus so often after I completed chemo, but I believe I've actually had to make more trips. I've had to have several tests preparing for my upcoming surgery to include a follow up MRI and Echocardiogram. The MRI showed the tumor has shrunk from its original size of 8 cm to smaller than a pea. The Echo showed some heart damage from the chemo. I was told this was not of a huge concern as it was "minimal". However, while at my pre-op appointment Wednesday, they were unable to get a normal EKG. Since they could not obtain a normal EKG, I am required to see a cardiologist on April 4, 2014. This is necessary because without the clearance of a cardiologist, the anesthesiologist can refuse to put me under on the day of my surgery since my echo showed known damage as well as multiple abnormal EKG's. So, I'm praying for good results on the 4th and some healing to my heart (don't we all need that), so I can safely have my surgery.

At my pre-op appointment, my surgical oncologist confirmed he would no longer need to take the large patch of skin at the top of my breast like he had first thought. The MRI revealed the tumor was beneath breast tissue and my pectoral muscle rather than directly against my skin as he first thought. A section of my pectoral muscle will need to be removed during surgery because of this. A mesh material derived from human and animal materials will be used to patch up my pectoral muscle. He confirmed both sides would be taken for surgery, and I was prepped on what to expect after surgery.

My reconstructive surgeon confirmed he would place expanders in my breasts after my mastectomy was complete. These will be filled as much as possible based on the amount of room left after the surgery and the incision across each of my breasts are closed. I will return to his office after the second week to have them filled, and subsequently each week until we reach the appropriate size--about a month. I then will have another surgery to exchange the expanders for the appropriate size implants. My size will be based on how far he is able to expand me comfortably and safely during the one month period as we cannot take too long for expansion. I must begin radiation, and I have to have the exchange surgery completed prior to radiation.

As far as I know at this time, my plan for radiation is 6 weeks. I will have radiation every day (Monday through Friday) during this 6 weeks in Columbus. Obviously this will be an obscene amount of driving. I am on a waiting list for a living area I can stay in during the week for treatments for this 6 weeks. Once radiation is complete and provided there are no complications, I will then be done with my breast cancer "journey".

One of my biggest fears is a recurrence within some other location in my body because I did have lymph node involvement. Cancer was found in 5 out of 15 of my lymph nodes when my sentinal node biopsy was done. This puts me at risk for future metastisized cancer if my lymph system spread the cancer cells anywhere else in my body before it was caught. I pray daily it was caught and removed before it could be spread elsewhere. My second biggest fear is having gone through this to only face it again one day. However, my biggest fear of all is the chances my children have of carrying the BRCA1 gene since it's genetic. They each face a 50% chance of having the gene. My son, 22, and my oldest daughter, 19, were tested yesterday along with my sister to see if they carry the gene. My 16 year old daughter cannot be tested until she is 18. I pray my children and sisters are negative. This is one journey I do not want company on. I do not want to think about my children possibly having to face this as well.

My surgery is quickly approaching. It's only a week and 6 days away. I'm getting pretty nervous about the surgery itself and just facing what's ahead of me. I have a difficult time dealing with the unknown, so the closer it gets, the more nervous I get. Say a little prayer for peace of mine as my surgery approaches.

Pre-Surgery Worries

I am one week and four days outside of my last and final chemo treatment. I still don't feel 100% back to normal, but I am slowly recovering from it. Each AC treatment I had seemed to take a little longer to exit my system. I found each time I had less good days prior to getting another treatment as they progressed. After my third treatment, I didn't have a true GOOD day until Thursday, the day before my final treatment. So, I'm not surprised I'm still struggling. I figure it will be this weekend or even Monday before I get that good "clear" feeling.

When I say clear feeling, I am referring to how it feels when suddenly you don't feel sick to your stomach anymore, and the fog seems to lift from your brain. Your energy level seems to double all at once, and you recognize yourself. Since I've been getting chemo for six months, I cannot say this "good" feeling will last more than a day or so though. I don't know what to expect right now. I have several breast cancer sisters who tell me you still have your good and bad days months after chemo has ended. I suppose it makes sense. I've had six months of chemo pumped into my body. It stands to reason it would take about that long for the side effects to slowly leave my body. As a cancer patient, I can only say we WISH for it to just disappear quickly though.

I have a few weeks before my surgery date on April 10, 2014. They are letting my body build up and recover from the chemo. It's going to be here before I know it though. I find myself more and more concerned about how it's going to go and just an overall sense of dread and worry. I was never much of a worrier until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I suddenly worry about everything. My surgical oncologist called me on Sunday to discuss me testing positive for the BRCA1 gene. As I suspected, this may alter their original plan for my upcoming surgery, which was to take the left, breast cancer side only, proceed with reconstruction, then on to radiation. Once radiation was complete (after about six months), I would have a second surgery to remove the right side and have reconstruction. However, being positive means removing the right side is no longer an option but a requirement. Those who carry the BRCA1 gene have a very high rate of recurrence in any breast tissue available for a tumor to form. Therefore, removing all available breast tissue before a tumor can form is the best form of treatment to stay ahead of a secondary breast cancer.

I've wanted both sides removed since the very beginning. I've never felt comfortable leaving the right side as deep down I always felt I would be facing this again in a matter of time if I didn't remove the right side as well. However, my doctor was reluctant to do this without just cause as it puts me at risk for infection after my initial surgery and can prolong my radiation, which we do not want since I had lymph node involvement. Since I had lymph node involvement, I face the risk of the cancer later returning at another site in my body. Typically, it's the bones, lungs, chest wall, and the like. I've thought about what I will do in case this happens, and I have had to stop myself from thinking about it. This has been a tough battle, and it's not over yet. I can't even imagine a second battle.

I often wonder what the future holds for me. I compare myself to my Aunt, who was a breast cancer survivor for four years when it returned in her bones and claimed her life. I know my fate is not that of my Aunt's, but it's almost impossible not to let those thoughts creep into my head. We both had Triple Negative tumors, and we both carried the BRCA1 gene. She too had lymph node involvement. Everyone says to stay positive and not let negative thoughts such as these plague you as they only bring you down; but I ask, how does one NOT think about all this? I don't think it's possible to consider your own mortality when faced with a life threatening disease that's as unpredictable as breast cancer. No one really knows why someone who is staged as stage 4 with multiple lymph node involvement manages to be a survivor and live into their 80's while another who was initially staged as a 2 or 3 with minimal lymph node involvement ends up passing away from the cancer in a few short years. They simply do not have answers to explain it. So, not thinking about these things is truly impossible. At least for me.

Yes, my tumor as responded very well to the chemo. At this point, I can't feel it at all. I am very thankful to God for that. I have a MRI tomorrow to see how it compares to the MRI I had prior to chemo; and I'm praying they see nothing. This would mean the chemo killed the entire tumor. But there are no promises, guarantees, and what my doctor finds during surgery is up to God. My tumor was very high up on my breast and sitting within my pectoral muscle; therefore, some of my muscle will need to be removed during surgery--along with a large patch of skin at the top of my breast. This is a safety measure to try to prevent it from coming back. No one really knows if the tumor was attached to my chest wall or anything within that general location. With it being dead (as it would seem), we may never know.

As I've said in many other blogs I've typed, the not knowing is what is very hard for me. I am a planner by nature, and cancer has taken away my ability to plan anything in my life. Nothing is within my control anymore, and I truly am at the mercy of God. I pray God sees fit to allow me many more years to be a mother to my children. I would like to meet my grandchildren some day. I used to say I never wanted to get old. Now, I would love nothing more than to get old.

Chemo AC -- Dose 4 of 4: MY LAST CHEMO!!!

On March 7, 2014, I had my final dose of chemo. Words cannot even begin to describe how good it felt to know this was the last time I was headed into the infusion center to be pumped full of poison. The last time I stepped on the chemo roller coaster. Don't get me wrong. The chemo nurses were incredibly sweet to me, and I will miss each of them; but I will not miss being in that particular part of the building for the purpose of getting chemo. None of it was an enjoyable experience, and I'm thrilled to be done with it. Sure, it crosses my mind I could have a recurrent and have to do chemo all over again; but I refuse to let myself think about that right now. For the moment, I'm focused on being done with chemo, and I'm celebrating the victory I have in front of me. For once in my life, I'm not letting the "what if" of the future ruin the celebration I have right here and right now.

My sister, Cindy, drove me to chemo; and each of my children went as well. My husband, Chuck, met us there to help celebrate. A party of 6 trooping through the oncology and infusion center was quite a group; but we didn't care. We were celebrating. In addition, my friend, Missy Frechette, stopped by on her way out of town with a gift. I received text from friends, family, and work family all day congratulating me on my final day of chemo. The sun was shining brightly, and the temperatures were in the upper 50's for the first time all winter. Even God was smiling on me and helping me celebrate such a fabulous occasion. Below are the celebration photos from yesterday.

My daughter, Autumn, decorated the car so everyone knew on our way there and home what a fabulous day we were celebrating.

In case it's tough to read, it says "Today is my Last Chemo"

Our Chemo Party Crew complete with the G-Rated and the R-Rated signs. I am on lucky girl.

Me and my daughter, Autumn.

Me and my daughter, Makya.

Me and my husband, Chuck.

Me and my sister, Cindy.

Me and my son, Scott.

Finally, my awesome work crew celebrating at my office. I have a wonderful work family.

They were able to get my IV started on the first try, which was a big YAHOO to end chemo. I am so proud of myself for making it through 16 chemo treatments without a port. That was one of my biggest goals from the day this nightmare began. I did NOT want a port; and I am so proud I stuck with what I wanted and didn't cave into what others tried to convince me to do. Thank God I have good veins and everything went fine as I realize not everyone is that fortunate.

I met with my oncologist, and she gave me the clear all to receive my final chemo treatment. We talked about me being positive for the BRACA1 gene. She covered things I already knew; but hearing it from her solidified what I already knew: My children were at risk and needed to be tested (each of them has a 50% chance of also carrying the gene), I will need to have my right breast removed in addition to my left breast as my chance for a secondary breast cancer in the opposite side are very high, after I am done with this breast cancer mess, I will need to have my ovaries removed as the BRACA1 gene is also known to cause ovarian cancer. While none of these things are GOOD news, I have accepted them as part of my life, and I'm moving on from them. I cannot do anything to change these things, so I am leaving them in God's hands. Only he has the power to watch over my children and save them from this dreaded gene. Only he has the power to watch over me and ensure this is the one and only time I face this dreaded disease and get to grow old to see my children grow up. To meet my grand babies and spoil them rotten. I have given it all up to God.

After meeting with my oncologist, our crew headed over to the infusion area. All the nurses were cheering as we walked in and celebrating with us before we even began. I had purchased 50 small containers the size of a Carmex lip balm tub, and made homemade lip scrub. I handed them out to all the nurses on the Oncology floor as well as the chemo nurses. I see cupcakes and cookies on the floor all the time, and I wanted to do something a little more personal for each of them that also wouldn't wipe out my bank account. They were all so very appreciative and truly seemed to be excited to use them! My final chemo was the same as every other time; but this time, there was an air of excitement in the air. We all laughed and talked through the treatment, and it went by quickly. Yes, I still felt tired as the drugs were being pumped into my body, and I still felt a little sick to my stomach, but I was able to overlook it and keep talking to my family. It felt good to laugh and smile. I have not did much of that lately. I have had more sad days filled with tears than I've had with smiles and laughter. I truly have had many dark days lately. Yesterday felt like I was breaking that cycle.

My husband had to leave before my infusion was complete to head back to work; but just before my treatment ended, all the nurses came in the room with a "Warrior Award" for completing chemo. They each had pink pom poms and were doing cheers and cheering for me. It was a sweet gesture and a perfect ending to a perfect day. I was brought to tears, which I held back, several times as I looked around the room at the support all around me and the efforts they had made to make this particular day a day of celebration that I wanted it to be. They each worked hard to give me what I wanted--a day of celebrating a huge milestone. As we left the infusion center, we walked out to Destiny's Child's "Survivor", and it was fitting.

As we drove the 2 hour drive home, people were honking and giving us a thumbs up and waving. A random stranger took a picture of the back of our car and posted it on Instagram stating how great it was to "see people beating this dreadful disease". A girl my daughter knew who happened to be friends with this girl tagged my daughter in the photo because my daughter had posted a photo of the car earlier in the dar. Overall, it was truly a day of celebration, and I feel so very blessed to have people who love me and made this happen for me. God reminded me yesterday that I have much to be thankful for. I have more reasons to smile than I do to cry; and most importantly, God has not forgotten or abandoned me. He simply has his own plan for me, and I need to trust in his plan even though I may not understand it at the time.

I'm sure I will have my share of sad days ahead of me; and I temporarily will forget the amazing day I was blessed with. But I have no doubt the love of my family and the love of my God will pull me through and remind me of all the amazing reasons I have to be happy in my life.

Genetic Testing Results

Since my diagnosis, there has been much talk about genetic testing and the relevance it has to breast cancer. Many of you may remember several months ago when Angelina Jolie chose to have a bilateral mastectomy simply because she tested positive for the BRACA gene that is linked to breast cancer. Her mother previously passed away from breast cancer, and she made the choice to have her breast tissue removed before a tumor could appear. Yes, this is a radical decision, but one I fully understand.

I have a strong family history of cancer in my family. Not just breast cancer, but cancer in general. It ranges from Thyroid cancer, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, lung cancer, breast cancer. lymphoma, and throat cancer. And all this cancer is on my Mom's side of the family--the side I resemble. My mom's sister, Florence, passed away in September just as I was diagnosed with breast cancer from a recurrence of breast cancer that had metastasized to her bones and through her body. She had the exact same type of breast cancer as me.

Knowing all of this, genetic testing was an obvious choice for me. I wanted to know if I carried the genetic mutation that increases your risks for breast cancer so my children could be more aware to ensure they received regular screenings and were more proactive than I have been. Genetic testing searches for a genetic mutation within the body. This genetic mutation allows damaged cells within the body to go "unnoticed" and your body does not repair them. Everyone has damaged cells within their body. The damaged cell either dies off or the body repairs it. If an individual has a genetic mutation, they body "ignores" this damaged cell. Rather than die off, it divides, then divides again, etc. A cancerous tumor cell is simply a damaged cell that has divided out of control.

I had my genetic testing on February 2, 2014. Since that time, I have been waiting to hear back from them on the results. I received that phone call yesterday. Unfortunately, the news was not good. I do carry the BRACA1 gene. While this explains why I got breast cancer in the first place, it was still absolutely devastated. While I suspected I carried the gene, there was a part of me that hoped my results would be negative--for the sake of my children. Because I carry the gene, my children are now at risk for carrying the same gene inherited from me. Therefore, each of my children have to be tested as well. I pray to God this gene was not passed to any of my children as if they are negative, they then cannot be concerned about passing it to their children, and so forth.

Upon receiving the news, I cried for several hours. I had prayed many nights my children would be spared this fate; and finding out I carry the gene increases their risk of also someday dealing with this. It breaks my heart to think of my children having to face this. I've often prayed that God would let it end with me. What this means for me is keeping my right breast is no longer even an option. Carrying the BRACA1 gene puts me at high risk for a recurrence, and keeping my other breast would only increase that chance. Ironically, my Surgical Oncologist and Reconstructive Physician just confirmed a plan only a week ago, so I imagine this will again change everything.

I feel like I keep receiving one bit of bad news after another lately. I could really use some good news and a sound plan that doesn't keep changing. At any rate, I'm trying very hard to have faith in God and believe that he will see me through as well as protect my children.