I don't know about other cancer survivors out there, but I often catch myself looking at other women and coveting their hair and perfect boobs. The boobs I used to have. While I'm very thankful I was able to go through reconstruction, and I had a great result considering what I've gone though, I still can't help but miss how I used to look. I had awesome boobs, and I miss them. Call me vain, but it's how I feel. So, if I'm vain, then so be it. Anyone who wants to judge me based on me saying I miss my own boobs should go through what I've gone though then get back to me on how "vain" I'm being. As far as hair goes, my hair is growing, but it's not something I can style yet. I'm so tired of wearing a wig to look like myself, but I refuse to settle for how I look without one yet. Again, maybe that makes me vain. Mostly, I just hate the looks people give me. I cannot stand the "Oh, she must have had cancer--poor thing" looks. It makes me want to scream! I'm all about genuine empathy, but I do not do pity.
I've been back to work regularly and "hard at it" since early May. We have begun fall semester at Ohio University, and my job is stressful for a healthy person. I'm going through radiation, which makes you tired in itself, plus I'm keeping up with my job at one of the busiest times of the year. I am functioning on sheer willpower at this time. I go home every night completely exhausted and wondering if I can even get myself home before I fall over. My body has been aching relentlessly. I imagine from being on my feet so much at work. My job is very hectic, and it used to wear me out before I had gone through all of this, so I even amaze myself that I'm keeping up with it while doing radiation (just had my 24th radiation today). My body has been through so much in the past year. I am amazed at how strong I am. I don't say that to build myself up; but to say I truly had no idea I could be so strong. There are days I truly wonder if I can put one foot in front of the other just to get myself home. Yet, I always somehow manage. Then I clean my house, do laundry, and keep up with everything around my home after working a 9 hour day. I've tried forcing myself to take a lazy day and just relax, but I start going stir crazy after just few hours. After an entire winter of hibernating in my house, I can barely tolerate being home for very long. Therefore, I'm not complaining about my job. I'm very thankful for it. I'm just saying I'm tired. I think I've earned the right to say that!
I've begun redecorating my bedroom. I've never liked the color of paint that's on my bedroom walls, and I've always intended to change it, but I've always had something more important that needed redone in the house. My bedroom just kept getting pushed back. However, after spending a year of my life in this bedroom and facing some of the hardest and lowest times of my life in here, I need to change it. My memories in this bedroom over the past year are not good. I look around, and all I see are broken promises, tears, cancer, and sadness. It's almost more than I can bear at times. The memories overwhelm me and threaten to suck me into a deep, dark abyss. It was then I decided I needed to create a spa-like atmosphere in my bedroom that would allow me to forget the memories that occurred in this room over the past year. I got a new comforter set, and that allowed me to begin planning my decorating scheme from there.
Last night, I began painting my bedroom set. I had the TV in my room on the country music channel, and I was busy painting away when a song came on the television that stopped me mid stroke with my paintbrush. There are certain songs that I absolutely refuse to listen to after Chuck and I parted ways and ended our marriage. I simply choose not to let myself go there. If I'm in the car, I change the station or skip the song on my Ipod. But last night, I had paint on my hands, and couldn't easily get to the remote to change the station. The song that was playing was sung in my wedding, and against my will, tears sprung to my eyes. I sat there for a few moments and allowed the tears to stream down my face. Not because my feelings are the same or I want my relationship back. But because the song reminded me of how I felt when I was planning our wedding and picked this particular song to be sung during our ceremony. I was reminded of the love and promises I held onto at that time. The feeling that our love could withstand anything and no matter how tough things were, love would save the day. That all-encompassing feeling that I had someone to hold me up when I was down and stand beside me no matter what. And there I sat four years later redoing my bedroom to try to forget all of this.
For those on a smartphone that cannot see the embedded video, you may listen to song at: http://youtu.be/4fqPcnuVPR8
I've listed the song above I am referring to. In a few moments, you will see why. I forced myself to let the song play even though it was making me cry. I was done hiding from certain songs. I was done with not facing certain feelings. Part of the healing process is to face things head on. And it was clear to me it was time to face this demon. As I sat there with tears streaming down my face, I listened to the words with a new outlook. Before, I had listened to this song from the perspective of a man promising a woman to stand beside her no matter what. To never let go of their love. Now, I listened as a woman who had recently saw all these promises fall to pieces. But also, as a woman who had just faced the toughest year of her life. Facing breast cancer and all the treatments and surgeries has taught me to rely on myself more than anyone else. The words suddenly took on an entirely new meaning.
It's like a storm. That cuts a path. It breaks your will. It feels like that. You think you're lost. But you're not lost on your own. You're not alone. I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do. If you can't cope, I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight, and I won't let go.
Suddenly, I realized this song I had avoided hearing for so long had an entirely new meaning, and I didn't have to avoid it. Yes, me getting sick destroyed my marriage, but our marriage was struggling before I got sick. Yes, it happened at one of the toughest times of my life, but I also learned to face my fears and struggles on my own and to be stronger than I ever thought possible. Finally, I learned to love myself more than anyone else. Cancer came into my life like a storm cutting a path, and it truly felt like it broke my will. I felt lost and alone with no one to turn to. I desperately wanted someone to scoop me up and save me from the hell I was facing. I cried many tears that were not dried by anyone, and no one held me tight or promised not to let go. No one but my children, sister, and friends. But mostly, no one but myself.
I have discovered I don't have to let go of life, hope, and everything that makes me smile simply because someone chose to let go of me. And I'm perfectly okay with it. In fact, I'm learning things about myself I never knew. So, I take this moment to step outside of the fantasy world of expecting love or someone to save me. To simply make this promise to myself:
I will love myself no matter what. Bald, short hair, long hair, or grey hair. Big boobs or boobs that have scars. A size 2 or a size 8. I vow to fight and never give up because my life is worth fighting for. I promise to never let go and stand by my own beliefs and promises. To stand true to what I believe in. I simply will not let go.
I vow to love me........for me...
I vow to be my own hero....
God Bless
Teresa
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