My reconstruction surgery was June 20, 2014. I've healed very well since my surgery, and I'm pleased with the results. Do my breast look as full or feel as nice as they did prior to breast cancer? No, they are different now. This certainly isn't something I would have chosen for myself, but it's the path that was chosen for me, so I'm facing it. I'm fortunate to have healed very quickly with great results. I had a check-up just a few days ago, and I was informed the implants are soft and moveable. Apparently, this isn't the normal result as the muscles tend to remain tight over the implant and prevent the relaxed appearance. I thank God each day for his blessings through all of this mess. Right down to something so small and insignificant as appearances. For those who are facing a mastectomy and ultimately reconstruction, I've posted photos below. The photo on the top was taken a few years ago while the photo on the bottom was taken a couple of weeks ago. Obviously, I lack that fullness at the top of my breasts now, and thank you Victoria's Secret for good bras (but I wore them previously as well! =)
While my body has healed quickly and seemingly without an issue, inside I've struggled a little. It is a daily battle to keep negative thoughts from creeping in and taking over. Breast cancer is scary. It's almost impossible to not wonder what your future may hold--or if you even have one. When I was first diagnosed, I can say I had these thoughts constantly. As I have completed treatments and my life has begun to return to a normal routine, I have them less and less. Occasionally, they still creep in when I'm home alone and have down time. I've found that if I keep myself very busy, those thoughts cannot take over my mind. This isn't always the best way to cope though as I find myself exhausted from time to time. But, I'm enjoying life, and I'm so much more appreciative of every single little second I'm given. I've stopped allowing fear and worry to control my thoughts as they only steal my happiness and give me nothing in return.
I've begun running again. I cannot even begin to explain how good it feels to run again. Running has always been a way to relive stress, tension, and even anger for me; and I had no outlet for all the mixed up thoughts and emotions that were building inside of me. I began running again about three weeks ago. I will be honest--the first time I ran was difficult. I was easily running 5 miles before my diagnosis. My first time back on the track led to only 2 miles and in a poor amount of time. I felt like I had lead in my feet, and it didn't feel nearly as good as I remembered it. But, I stuck with it and forced myself to keep running. Over the past few weeks, I have slowly regained my stamina. It will be some time before I'm back to where I was prior to diagnosis, but I'm certainly making progress, and I feel so much better. Even when I'm tired and don't feel like running, I force myself to go. I have found I have some of my best runs on those particular days. They revive me and bring me back to life. Two years ago, I ran my first 5K in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure. Little did I know I was running to raise money for a cure I would need for myself just a year later. This Saturday, I ran my second 5K only 4 months after completing vigorous chemotherapy, 3 months after a mastectomy, and 1 month after reconstruction. I did not run for myself. I ran for everyone who has battled cancer to show you can have your life back. Cancer does not have to stop you from living your life. Take it back! The photo on the left was two years ago at my first 5K while the photo on the right was this past Saturday's race.
In addition to fighting and beating cancer, I've struggled with relationship issues during the entire time I was facing treatments. I had many dark days that had nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with my personal life. I cannot even begin to express the feelings of loneliness and abandonment I felt when it became clear to me I truly was fighting this battle alone. I've read thousands of blogs, and a reoccurring theme seems to be partners that simply cannot face the ravages cancer can have on a loved one. Not just the physical effects, but what it can do inside. I've always been a positive, happy, and upbeat person. I was usually always smiling; but cancer shook my world up. I forgot to smile for quite a while. I had a very hard time finding a reason to smile. On the surface, all I could see was cancer had taken everything away from me to include the support of my husband. And for a while, I lived in that dark, ugly place. I felt like I had fallen down a deep, dark well with no light and no way out. For anyone living in this dark, ugly place while facing treatment, I wish I could tell you exactly how I pulled myself out of it. The truth is, it just happened. I began forcing myself to spend time with my sister and do things that made me happy and smile. I found reasons to get out of my house. I did things that gave me purpose and had nothing to do with cancer. Before I knew it, I was laughing and smiling more, and I was crying a lot less. Yes, my marriage was still falling apart. Yes, I was still upset about this, and there were times I would fall apart when I was forced to face it. But, each day I found myself growing just a little stronger emotionally.
Yesterday, I filed our dissolution papers. I thought there would be tears involved; but I sat there waiting while they were being file stamped only thinking about how just a few months ago everything seemed so hopeless. How I felt I would never smile again or find happiness or joy. How lost I felt. And how wrong I was. Because just when things were as dark as they could possibility be and I was at my lowest emotionally, God reached out his hand and reminded me that I'm loved more than I realize. I can recall praying and begging God to help me during my low times. And wondering why he didn't. Only now do I see it's not that he didn't help me. My timing just wasn't his timing. Just as a parent stands by and watches their child hurt emotionally but can do nothing to prevent them from learning life's lessons, so must God. My life is far from perfect at this point, but I am learning to let go of things I cannot control and have faith in God's plan for me rather than plans I attempt to make for myself. In doing so, I have found peace and happiness. For the first time in my life, I have found happiness within myself rather than others. I often find myself home alone doing chores and talking to my dog; and I'm okay with that.
The point of this particular post was to talk about healing. I simply want to point out that regardless of how difficult, hopeless or awful things may seem, they WILL get better. Wounds, hurt and pain does heal. Both physical and emotional. Regardless of how bleak things may look, don't give up or back down. Hold onto your faith and push forward. Tomorrow is always another day to be thankful for, and I promise the day will come that you will be glad you came out on the other side where the sun is yet again shining.
God Bless
Very inspiring Teresa. So glad I just found your blog!
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