The Unpublished Journal Entries

All The Things I Didn't Say Publicly

I have a good friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer several months after I was.  We are the same age and have known one another since grade school.  I have did my best to guide her and provide advice regarding how to best cope with the side effects of chemo and a breast cancer diagnosis in general.  I know she reads my blog as well, and we chat as often as we can.  I see her posting on Facebook regularly regarding how she feels as she's going through chemotherapy treatments, and I am often reminded of how I felt when in the middle of treatments.  I can relate on a level that others likely won't consider.  I can read between the lines of what's said and know exactly how she's feeling based on not only what she said but by what she didn't say.  It's difficult for me to read through my blog as I often poured my heart and soul into my posts.  Often, my blog was my only outlet to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions at that particular time in my life.  While I tried to be very honest about how I felt and what I was going through in my blog, I also tried to keep some things to myself.  I was afraid I would come across as whining, looking for sympathy, or "pathetic".  Many people have commented to me that I am so strong and came through my treatments as a warrior; and while this may be the case, I now realize I may have misrepresented how tough chemo was on me both physically and mentally.  This was  not intentional or meant to make myself look tougher than I really am.  Rather, it was an internal struggle within myself because my personal life was such a disaster.  I was fighting to keep my head above water and maintain my sanity. 

After watching my friend's posts and seeing her struggles, I feel it's only fair to share some journal entries I made between February 2014 and April 2014.  I've wrote in a journal since I was 8 years old as writing has always been an outlet for me.  I suppose this is why blogging came so easily to me.  It's the online version of a journal.  Chuck got me a journal for Valentines Day this year.  He encouraged me to write in it as he wasn't a fan of my blog.  It was a constant battle within myself to maintain my blog for my readers and be honest while also trying to see things from his point of view.  I tried to reach a happy medium by putting pen to paper on my most personal and intimate issues.  Once I wrote them on paper, I often would fall asleep and forget what I had wrote.  Last night, I sat down with my journal to jot down my daily feelings regarding radiation so I had a place to refer back to when I was ready to do my weekly radiation blog, and I re-read my entries since February.  While there aren't many, I was shocked to read the raw emotions evident in what I had wrote.  Some, I couldn't believe I had wrote.  I cried as I read them as I was reminded of how alone I felt during such a difficult time in my life.  I was reminded of there utter terror and desolation I was feeling.  At the time these were written, I was going through AC treatments, which are the hardest chemo treatments.  Chemo makes you physically sick; but it also affects your mind and how you think.  There are many things I have read that I do not remember typing/writing.  The gut-wrenching agony in some of my posts/entries reminded me of the hell I endured such a short time ago; and I feel it's only fair to share with my readers that while I may have appeared strong in many of my posts, I was literally on my knees and at my lowest.  I was anything but strong.

I have attempted to type what was written in my journal. However, I have omitted specific references to Chuck as I do not want to bad mouth him publicly.  That's not the point of this blog.  The point is to show that while I remained positive through much of my treatment, I also had my low points; and I feel it's my responsibility to share those low times with my readers. 

Journal Entry--February 15, 1014

I haven't written in a journal in a long time.  However, I began keeping a journal as a child and through most of my early adult life.  Once I filled two journals, I stopped writing.  Life just got in the way I guess.  Chuck got me this journal so I could write about how I feel about my breast cancer diagnosis.  I've been keeping a blog where I openly talk about my symptoms and the issues I face.  It is my hope it will help someone else.  Even if it helps only one person, then it was worth the effort.  So, I think I will use this to talk about my personal feelings and things I can't put online.  Maybe someday my children will read this and understand how I felt during this entire process. 

When I was first diagnosed, my first thought was my kids.  My immediate reaction when I heard cancer was "I'm going to die".  The idea of having to leave my kids tore me apart.  I feel I have so much left to do for them.  I want to see Makya graduate from high school.  I want to see my children all graduate from college and begin their careers.  I want to help them plan their weddings and watch them say their vows.  I want to watch them experience pregnancy and watch my grandchildren be born.  I want to keep my grandbabies overnight and rock them to sleep.  I want to live.  Simply live.  I could complete an entire journal on all the things I don't want to miss out on because in reality, I don't want to miss a single thing.  Cancer has made me appreciate the things in life that truly matter.  I now appreciate my health I was blessed with.  The beauty God blessed me with that I took for granted.  God has taken me to a dark place so when I'm in the light again, I will appreciate it.  I end this entry saying only this to my babies:  I will beat this, but if for some reason I don't, please  know God has a plan for us all.  I'm learning God's plan isn't necessarily our plan.  We must trust in God's plan.  I love you always and through all time. 

Mom

Journal Entry--February 17, 2014

Today is Makya's 16th birthday.  It's so hard to believe she's 16 years old today.  I'm not sure where time has gone. I honestly feel as if she was just a toddler the other day.  Time is moving too fast, and it needs to slow down.  I picked her up from school today at 1 p.m., and I took her to Athens.  I didn't have much money, but I tried to make it the best day possible.  She wanted Chinese, so that's where we went.  I picked up a small cake at Kroger with the numbers 16, and we took it in with us as well as her gifts.  I felt so guilty her 16th birthday was so lame as to sit in a Chinese restaurant blowing out candles and opening gifts in public.  She should have had a big, special party for such a special year, but I simply don't have the money or the energy to make it happen.  She said she didn't mind and loved what we did, but I know she just didn't want me to feel bad.   After we ate, we went to Petland and played with a few of the dogs.  Then we saw Endless Love at the theater.  I really enjoyed spending the time with her, and my day was brighter just because I got to be with her.  I just wish it could have been m ore.  God knows I wanted to.  She hugged me and said it was the best day ever, and I truly hope she meant that. 

I had a hard time this morning before I left the house to get Makya.  I simply could not stop crying.  I feel so sad inside about my life in general.  That I am at such a place in my relationship.  It's so hopeless, sad and empty.  I miss the happy times, yet we've had a lot of sadness too.  We've had a lot of fights, and we've hurt each other to such degrees I do not think either of us can recover.  The hurt inside me is so strong, and if a heart can truly break, I'm fairly certain mine has.  I feel he's so cruel to me although he claims it's not intentional.  He doesn't want to hear me talk about how I feel or what I'm dealing with.  I don't understand how you can claim to love someone yet ignore the physical and emotional pain they are enduring.  To not talk to them or let them share their pain with you.  He gets angry with me for crying.  Which makes me cry more.  I do cry a lot anymore.  Because I feel so alone.  I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  I will never forget how alone I feel and how I can't rely on him to help me.  How he shows me no emotion or affection.  This is a time in which I need it most.  I feel so ugly and unattractive now.  I look sick even when I try to fix up.  I need to be told I'm beautiful every day even though I know I'm not.  He doesn't kiss or hug me goodnight anymore.  I can't remember the last time he did.  He won't look me in the eye anymore.  I don't think he can stand to look at me now.  I understand.  It's hard for me to look in the mirror and see myself.  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  Although I haven't lost that much weight, my face and neck appear hollow.  I have no eyelashes or eyebrows.  I look like cancer even though I've tried to avoid it.  I rarely leave my house.  Some would say maybe I'm depressed.  Maybe I am?  I would imagine I have every right to be considering cancer, what it's done to me, what it's yet to do to me, and the state of my relationship.  If not for m y children, I would have given up long ago.  They are the only reason I have managed to keep moving forward.  This is so hard.  It's so very hard.  I want to give up.  Or fast forward to when this is all over. 

Today, (this morning) I felt so hopeless.  I could not stop crying.  I thank God I had Makya's birthday, or I likely would have laid in bed all day at an all time low.  I can't post this stuff on my blog.  My struggles are great.  I hope I find my smile again soon.  I need it so bad. 

Journal Entry--February 19, 2014

I had an appointment today with my new plastic surgeon.  This will be my third one, so I was really hoping I would like him.  I liked him a lot and felt very comfortable with him.  It felt good to finally feel good about that portion of this process.  I felt very good all day today.  I had energy and didn't feel sick.  I felt almost normal for the first time in a long time.  Cindy went with me today, and we spent the day laughing about silly things and enjoying the nice weather.  It was 50 degrees today, so that was an awesome change to all the snow and ice we've had.  The weather brightened my day and made me realize that no matter how cold and ugly it is, it will get warmer and the sun will shine.  Things will get better.  That is so hard to remember right now.  Between cancer and Chuck, I forget things can be happy.  I feel like I am making progress with cancer, but I don't see it with Chuck.  I seem him going through the motions talking to me and such, but there is no emotion.  It lacks affection and the love he used to show.  I don't believe he will ever show it again.  I feel he has closed himself off to me.  He's been sleeping on the couch.  The bed is so lonely, and I cry myself to sleep every night.  I know he's avoiding me because he can't look at me.  He says it has nothing to do with how I look, but I don't have any other explanation.  I feel I'm on the outside looking in, and there is nothing more I can do.  I can't make someone want me.  That's the hardest part....

Journal Entry--February 24, 2014

Today hasn't been a good day.  I have felt sick all day, and nothing has helped it.  It's like having the worst hangover of your life.  It's so hard because the weeks I feel the worst are the weeks I have Makya, which means driving her to school every morning, picking her up and getting her to all her activities.  I haven't missed one activity--even when I was so sick I could barely sit up.  I feel like I'm failing Makya as her mom because I sleep so much when she's here.  I am trying so hard to keep doing all the things I've always done, but it's getting so difficult to keep up.  I'm not superwoman.  I feel like everyone around me forgets what I'm going through and just expects me to keep up  like I always have.  I try not to say anything to anyone, but I feel like a failure when I do.  No one understand how this feels but someone who has gone through it.  The weeks after chemo, I could honestly crawl in bed and never leave it.  Between being so tired I can't keep my eyes open and feeling sick, there are no real good days.  Add to that the feeling of ear, hopelessness, sadness, and constantly bursting into tears--it's a dangerous mix.  I went upstairs earlier to wash my face.  No one is here with me.  I just felt so overwhelmed, and dropped to my knees in my bedroom and cried.  The loudest, most gut-wrenching sobs I have allowed myself to express since the day this madness began.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I prayed and begged God to help me.  Not just to feel better, but my life in general.  Things still aren't better with Chuck and I.  Every time I think they may get better, he gets angry at me over something that doesn't even make sense that I have no control over.  I have no way to plan for such things or even control it.  I don't understand why I'm the target.  I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.  I just don't know if I can do this anymore.....I'm so tired.

Journal Entry--February 28, 2014

Today I blogged for the first time in a while other than to update everyone on my treatment status.  It felt good to focus and put my feelings out there again.  I've been keeping my personal feelings and thoughts private for so long.  I was beginning to think I had forgot how.  Chuck has affected me more than I care to admit.  I'm no longer the soft, loving person I once was.  I'm becoming hardened.  I feel like a dog begging for love and affection.  I feel like I'm crazy.  Sometimes I feel like I can't save myself.  God, give me strength to stay strong.  I don't know how to be anymore....

Journal Entry--March 6, 2014

It's hard to believe, but tomorrow is my last chemo.  In many ways, it feels like I was just diagnosed yesterday, and I cannot believe I'm already done.  In other ways, this feels like the longest 7  months of my life.  Chemo has been a very tough road.  It has drained me physically, mentally and emotionally.  It has made me react to things in ways I otherwise wouldn't have reacted.  It has made me feel as if I'm crazy, and I don't recognize myself.  It has taken away my self esteem, my external beauty, and in many ways, it has ruined my marriage.  Granted, there were many problems in my marriage long before chemo, but things have taken a turn since I got sick that I do not feel we can recover from. 

Tomorrow, I'm taking small gifts to give to all my chemo nurses.  They have been so good to me.  Also, two days ago I found out I carry the BRCA1 gene.  All of my kids now have to be tested.  I pray to God I did not pass this gene to any of them.  I would rather God take my life and spare them.  If that's what he asks of me, I would gladly do it.  Just so they nor their children would have to face this.  Scottie, Autumn, Makya and Cindy are going with me tomorrow.  Chuck is supposed to stop by while working.  I wanted as many people there as possible to help celebrate this milestone.  It's tough to celebrate much while getting AC as it makes me sleepy and sick feeling at the same time; but I'm going to try.  Me, Makya, and Mayah made a sign for us to hold in pictures stating it's my last chemo.  After a few weeks, I'm sure I will begin obsessively watching my hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows for growth.  I know it's going to be a long and painful process, but I'm closer today than I was 7 months ago when I began this process.  It's hard to believe that 7 months from now will be when I'm done with radiation and nearing the end of my journey.   A journey I pray I never have to travel again.  I pray God spares me and everyone I love ever facing this again.  I try to imagine what I will do if my cancer comes back.  I can't imagine fighting like this again.  This has taken a lot out of me.  I don't know I could survive it again.  I suppose for my kids, I will fight as much as I can.  I just know this has been very hard.  I can't see myself doing it again. 

Journal Entry--March 13, 2014

It's hard to believe it's March 13 already.  One would think time would be creeping by for me since I never go into my office anymore, but I think it has sped up somehow.  I sleep so much from all the chemo.  I'm literally sleeping my life away.  But at least the weather has been cold, and I would be  holed up in the house anyway.  We had a really  nice 70 degree day two days ago.  I was so upset because I didn't get to go outside and enjoy it.  I've had a rough week this week with feeling sick.  I didn't get my Neulasta shot on Saturday after my treatment because Express Scripts messed up, and I can really feel the difference in how I feel and how I've been able to function.  It was supposed to come today, but I haven't seen it so far.  At this point, it almost doesn't matter.  I should start feeling better and be on the up side of things from this point forward.  I'm hooping to actually go to work next week.  Even if it's just a few hours a day.  Just to try to get out of the house and a little bit of a routine back.  My surgery is April 10, so I'll only be able to do that for a few weeks before I'm grounded to the house again.  But it's a few weeks of doing something besides sitting at home and trying to feel better from chemo. 

I had one of my emotionally tough times last night.  I went to bed and tried to hide it from Chuck so he wouldn't get upset with me.  I was so down that I text Autumn desperate for someone to talk to.  I feel bad texting my children for support.  They shouldn't have to worry about me and what I'm doing.  I try so hard not to do that, but I needed someone to talk to. 

Journal Entry--April 3, 2014

It's been a while since I've wrote anything in this.  I have been busy trying to simply live life and not focus on being sick and everything to do with cancer.  My surgery is in one week.  I'm pretty nervous with it getting so close.  In some ways, I'm dreading it.  In other ways, I am ready to get it over with.  I have to force myself not to worry as I often catch myself thinking the cancer may be growing or spreading while I am not on chemo.  I've ben getting a lot of sharp pains in my breast and in the area where the tumor was.  It's the same pain I felt when the tumor was growing.  I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  My recent MRI showed that the tumor has shrank to smaller than a pea, which is great. 

I can feel the chemo leaving my body.  I'm feeling more and more energetic, more myself and less crazy.   While I knew I felt bad while on chemo (especially AC), I realize now how bad I felt.  Looking back, I felt drunk and sick the entire time I was on AC (8weeks).  The extreme feeling of sadness that was taking over my mind is slowly disappearing.  I don't feel trapped within myself now.  Chemo is very hard.  Yes, it makes you physically sick, but it affects you mentally too.  I tried to fight how it made me feel, but I lost the fight the last 3 months of the 6 months I was on it.  It feel good to feel like me again. To have energy and desire to do things and leave the house.  This week, I've cleaned the house, cleaned winter off the porch, and went to dinner with Carly.  I also went fishing with Scottie and AJ and have spent a lot of time with Cindy helping her remodel her bathroom.  Today, I went back to work for the first time since January.  It felt so good to be at work and feel useful and smart.  It's probably the most enjoyable day I've ever had at work.  I don't think I've ever been so thankful to be at work.  Tomorrow, I have a doctor appointment in Columbus.  I have to see a cardiologist for clearance for my surgery because I have slight heart damage from the chemo.  Plus they couldn't get a normal EKG on me.  That's frustrating and scary.  My surgery is 6-8 hours long so I'm scared to be under for that long--especially with known heart damage.  I'm afraid I won't wake up from the surgery.  I know that's not a positive way to think, but I can't help but worry about it.  For the sake of saying what I need to say, if God should choose to take me, then it was his plan and nothing I can do to change it.  I hope my kids know how much I love them, and if God should choose to take me, know if it's at all possible, I will be watching over them.  I'll be there when they are happy and when they are sad.  To celebrate every achievement and milestone.  They have truly been the best thing in my life, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life if it meant changing anything with them. 

I have often prayed God will spare my children from cancer and this BRCA1 gene I carry.  I pray he lets it end with me.  At the risk of sounding dramatic, do no mourn me.  Don't spend your lives sad.  I am smiling on you and rejoicing with you in every happy moment. I want you to live your life happy and remember me with a smile.  Scottie, please don't ever doubt yourself or what you're capable of.  Push yourself to be a strong and motivated.  I know you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.  You are my little boy and always will be.  But you are a man now, and I know you are destined for great things.  Know I am by your side always encouraging you.  Autumn, please remember to make time for yourself and do what you need to do to ensure you are happy.  You have a big heart and are always trying to fix everything, but your own happiness gets lost in the process.  Remember to take time to relax and enjoy life.  Hard work and dedication is a wonderful thing, but don't let it prevent you from living either.  You will always be my Audie and I am always proud of you.  Makya, you are my special baby girl that I wanted even before your dad knew you were going to be.  I felt in my heart I h ad to have one more baby, and I always knew we would be close.  Please remember to keep your own identity and that a boy does not define you.  Love from a boy doesn't define you.  You are amazing for you, and you can and will succeed in life because of your own efforts.  Not because of anyone else.  The love given to you is only a bonus.  You will always be my baby girl.  My Boo Boo who wasn't really a boo boo at all.  To my sisters, thank you for always being there for me.  Cindy, you've been my best friend and I love you.  Don't cry for me.  Just please stop smoking.  And please make sure Scottie stops as well.  For me, this is all I ask.  Be happy and be healthy. 

I love You--Teresa