Awkward Conversations and LOL'ing at Cancer!

That Moment When You Hear Crickets Because It's Just So Awkward.....Just Laugh!

Cancer is an ugly word.  It's associated with pain, loss, death, and everything ugly.  If it had a photo, I'm sure a two year old artist could best draw cancer with a black crayon and a lot of scribbles.  That's how I visualize it.  Just an ugly, black blob.  Mean and dark.  Sneaky and ruthless.  Evil and cowardly.  It's so ugly many people avoid talking about it.  Which brings me to my blog for today.  That awkward moment when you see me for the first time since I found out and talking about IT. 

First, let me reassure you I will not break down and fall apart on you.  I vow I won't break if you hug me too hard.  As a matter of fact, hug me just like you always would have.  Here's the biggest shocker--I CAN talk about it; and I'm perfectly okay with it.  Ask me anything you want to know.  I am an open book and willing to discuss this with anyone who wants to.  And I'm willing to talk about the weather and completely avoid this subject as well.  Whatever works for you!

I believe in God.  Since I believe there is a God who loves us and wants us to be happy and live a good life and do good things; this means there is a Devil.  One who despises us and wants us to be unhappy, and his ultimate goal is to ruin our lives and our faith in God.  God did not give me cancer.  The Devil did not give me cancer.  Guess what?  Cancer happens to good and bad people all the time; and it's up to ME the impact I make on lives with my experience.  I can be bitter and angry and spout off hate and anger that this has happened to me.  If I do this, am I making God or the Devil happy?  I have no intention of making the devil happy with any part of my life, so in spite of pain and suffering, I will give God the glory.  I will be happy and continue to live my life.  I will strive to be a better person and do what I can to help others.  I want to turn this ugly disease into a good thing that will touch many lives in a positive way.  The impact I want to make will give God the glory regardless of the outcome of this.  Because through faith and love, I want to know that at no point did I give the devil the benefit of using this for his own gain. 

I have said all of this to explain my positive, happy attitude that seems to surprise so many people.  I am still ME.  I am not cancer.  This leads me to an experience that happened just today while I was taking a lunch break from work.  The individual I am referring to will not be named.  I do not want to embarrass him.  And I have no intention of speaking badly about anyone because he is a sweet, kind individual.  And I'm sure him and I will giggle about this for years to come.  I hope he understands that I simply had to share this story as it fit perfectly with this topic that was already going through my mind.  I'm referring to that pitiful look I see on people's faces when I see them out and they just don't know what to say.  Say whatever you like--just like this person (we will call him X) did today.  Because I laughed until I cried about this.

I left my office unsure where I would go for lunch; but my car seemed to drive itself to a small, family-owned restaurant not far from my office.  I eat there about once a week as it's cheap, and I really like their food.  I'm a creature of habit, and I always get the same thing.  As I was standing in line, X came up to me and asked me how I was doing.  I smiled brightly and said "I am doing great".  He said "That's great.  You look good".  I said "I feel good!".  He quickly said goodbye and hurried back to his table.  I placed my order and headed to my seat to wait for my food, which came shortly.  I had just finished my hot dog and was starting to work on my French fries when he sat in the bench seat across from me.  X asked me if I had began treatment yet, and I stated I had completed my third round of chemo last Friday.  He seemed shocked that I felt so well; and I stated "I was continuing to work and do treatments and was very lucky to be handling it so well".  I could tell he wanted to ask something, so I waited.  Then it came.  "Are you going to be able to keep your breasts".  I didn't miss a beat and said "no, unfortunately, I cannot.  The tumor is just too large, and it's too risky".  X looked completely shaken and truly upset and before he could stop himself, he said "Oh I'm sorry.  You have such beautiful breasts too".  I was half way to my mouth with a French fry and froze for a second.  I just stuck that French fry in my mouth and kept right on eating.  After a few seconds, I said "Well, I love them too; but I would rather be alive and since when would you know anyway".  I laughed to ease the awkwardness; and the conversation moved on. 

This has had me laughing since it occurred a few hours ago.  Only X would say this and then be horrified that the thought in his head came out of his mouth.  The moral to this story is:  don't be afraid to talk to me about what's going on in my life.  If you have questions, ask them.  Let's laugh about this and make sure cancer knows we won't back down and let it steal our smile.  We have way too much to laugh about in life to frown. 

Cancer truly is a coward; but I am not!

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