I had my fifth dose of Chemo on Friday, November 15, 2013. My son, Scott, took me to my appointment this time. I drove to the appointment just because I felt like I needed to maintain some sort of independence over what my life has become. As grateful as I am for each and every person who helps me out by driving me to my appointments and being there for me, I find myself missing my independence. Don't get me wrong--I cherish every moment I get to spend with whomever takes me; but it's very difficult to go from a "I can do it myself" attitude to always depending on someone to transport me around.
The hardest part about having to allow someone to drive me to and from appointments is that I feel perfectly fine before and after my treatments. I do not FEEL I need someone to screw up their day to drive me around when I feel perfectly capable of doing it myself. I've come to realize how very stubborn I am when it comes to my independence and ability to let others care for me. The funny thing is I have always wanted someone to take care of me and just "make everything okay". I've always felt I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would sigh in frustration and say "I suppose I will take care of this mess because no one else is going to". Yet, I now realize even if someone tried to help me, I likely wouldn't allow it. It's just not part of who I am to sit by quietly and let someone take care of me. I am not sure how I became so independent and stubborn. Or why? I just know it's becoming very clear to me that my stubbornness is definitely my biggest asset in my ability to take this all in stride, but it's also my biggest weakness in admitting when I need help and allowing people to help me.
My determination to NOT get a port is a prime example. Each week I hold my breath while they start an IV hoping everything goes well because I simply refuse to get a port. Why? Because I don't want to mess with it every day each day? Yes, that's part of it, but the biggest part is that I have set a goal to NOT have one and be able to reach the end of this saying--I did it without a port. Giving in and getting a port would mean failing to meet a goal I have set for myself.
Friday, the chemo nurse started my IV. She used a vein on the side of my arm that hadn't been used before, and she did a fabulous job starting my IV. I barely felt a thing. Success! As I sat there watching the drip, drip, drip of Taxol into my bloodstream, I watched my son sitting in the chair across from me. He had set his laptop up to do homework; but within moments, he was asleep. It struck me how different things were that week compared to the week prior when my daughters had taken me. It dawned on me how much my daughters were just like me. My oldest daughter works 39 hours a week plus attends college full time. She is tired much of the time; and Fridays are often her days to sleep in and catch up on homework. I know she's tired. My younger daughter attends high school full time, is a Cheerleader, and works a part time job for another employee within my department in the event parking area. She stands outside in the cold and deals with complaining customers for very little money--because she wants to help pay for her car in a few months. She too rarely gets to sleep in. They, like me, are go, go, go with can-do attitudes. Yet, both of them went with me to my appointment not complaining about how tired they were or making the situation about them. Instead, they kept conversation going, and kept my focus off the reason I was sitting in that chair. They kept me laughing. They could have sat quietly and played on their phones or took a much needed nap, but they didn't.
I smiled as I realized how much my son truly was a "man" in that sense. Girls just tend to have more empathy than boys--sorry if this offends someone; but this is my experience. This isn't to say my son wasn't concerned about me like my daughters were. It simply shows the difference in who they are. I truly believe empathy is not an inherit characteristic we are born with. Some of us simply have to learn it while others just get it without even trying. My son, like my daughter, attends college full time, and he works 30-38 hours per week. I know he was tired and couldn't help himself from falling asleep as we sat in my room. I love him for who he is, and I don't want him to change a thing about himself. It just struck me how some of us will push ourselves beyond our limits--to an unhealthy point, simply because of a drive we have inside of us. While drive is GOOD on many levels, it can also harm us if we don't know when to draw the line.
Historically, the women in my family have always been strong minded, and we power forward through life refusing to allow anything to stop us. I am thankful for this trait that was passed to me as it is the reason I feel I am handling cancer the same way I have everything else in my life. A task or goal I need to complete so I can move on to the next challenge. But, at times, I feel I become too focused on the goal, and I forget to take a moment to look around me and enjoy the right now. So, my epiphany for the week is to take more time to enjoy each and every moment and let the goal work itself out. As simple as that may sound, that's a pretty tall order for me. I do hope that my children can be strong through life; but also take a moment to enjoy the little moments without becoming too focused on the goal.
Having said all this, my treatment went off without a hitch on Friday. I think I too may have dozed off a few times during my treatment. My blood work, which was done prior to my chemo being released for treatment, was good. My WBC was exactly as it was last week, which is good. I was afraid it would drop a little from the flu shot; but it maintained perfectly. I hope it's UP next week. Yeah, there is another one of those goals I have been talking about. I AM my own worst critic! After treatment, my son and I chatted on the way home and stopped for lunch before heading home. I enjoyed spending the day with him. Although he lives in my house, I don't see him that much. Between my work schedule, his work and class schedule, and my doctor appointments, we seem to always miss one another at home. As the photo above shows, he did shave his head for me. This made me happy. Not because I wanted him to shave his head because I lost my hair; but because he is notorious for not getting regular hair cuts. This means his hair will be neat for a while without any effort. LOL
I have made it to day three after my treatment. I feel a little tired today, but it's not what I would consider an extreme tired feeling. It's manageable. The biggest side effect I seem to struggle with is constipation. Yeah, I am going to go there. While I know many people read my blog who are not cancer patients, I am trying to ensure I talk about any issues I face to help those who ARE cancer patients. To provide a guide and just a story of a real-life experience. So, I HAVE to go there!
I've always struggled with constipation a little (well before I was sick), so I am not surprised this is the direction this particular side effect has gone. I made the mistake of taking a laxative this Saturday looking for relief--BIG MISTAKE. My stomach cramped and hurt so bad I spent most of the day sitting on the couch doubled over. I was finally able to find some relief in the bathroom Saturday evening, but I still felt I could have more relief come my way! I have begun taking Senekot daily in hopes I can prevent constipation and encourage more regularity. I also began the Probiotic daily pearls. I've read these really help (pretty much anyone); but specifically patients undergoing chemotherapy treatments. I will update this regarding how it helps, so anyone else facing this issue will know if it is worth trying!
On a finale note, I would like to end by saying this--I've had a few people contact me who are not so fortunate to handle treatments so well. Who have experienced almost every side effect possible and debilitating nausea and illness. First, I would like to say how sorry I am for how sick they feel. I do not talk about how good I feel to rub in anyone's face that I feel good and they don't. I am simply trying to share my experience. This is MY experience, and I apologize up front to anyone who finds it irritating that my experience isn't as negative or as bad as theirs is or has been. I hope and pray they can find peace and relief from the side effects they are experiencing. I would not wish this on ANYONE. Having said this, please know I have my good and bad days. I just try not to focus on the bad days. I break down and cry at random times and feel like the world is suddenly against me. I wonder if I'm fighting this battle to win only to have it come back at a later date and me go through this all over again. I have doubts like everyone else. But I try not to focus on them. Why? Because that doesn't do anything positive for me. Think about wars in history. If the individuals who fought in those wars decided to get involved based on "I may die anyway so why bother"; we likely wouldn't have won many wars. The United States would not be the country it currently is, and dictators would be the norm. This is why I try not to focus on the negative, because history shows us that even when things look their worst and seem impossible, there is hope. To me, this is no different. This is WAR--against cancer; and the best thing I can do for myself to beat it is keep a positive attitude.
A bible verse I have known since I was a child that will always stick with me and keep me moving forward is the definition of Faith: Faith is the substance of things hoped for yet unseen. I do not know I won't get cancer again. I do not know I will beat this. I do not know I will live a long, happy life. But I do know I have right now. I know I can live during the time I am given or I can let this mentally beat me up. I know that my biggest regret in the end will not be what I did; but rather what I did not do. I choose to live--to do.
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