Physical Strength & Mental/Emotional Strength.

As many of you may have noticed, I have not been updating my blog nearly as often as I previously did.  This is due in part to not feeling well and the fact that I simply have not been mentally strong.  Rather than blog for the sake of blogging, I've waited until I felt I had a topic worthy of discussion.

The past month (or more) has been very difficult.  I can honestly say I have sank into a very deep, dark place that I struggle to pull myself out of.  I battle every day to remain positive and have faith in God; but my mind takes over, and before I know it, I'm right back in that dark, sad place.  I find myself crying on a daily basis.  Sometimes, it's because of something that has happened that brought about the tears; but other times a wave of sadness will overcome me to the point I cannot think or function.  While home alone a few days ago, I walked through my bedroom into my vanity room where I keep my wigs.  My wigs have been sitting there in plain sight since October when I first got them, so seeing them there certainly was nothing new to me.  Yet, as I walked into my vanity room and saw those wigs on the stands, it was as if it hit me for the first time all over again "you have cancer, you're bald, and your life is nothing like it used to be".  The grief and sadness that hit me like a wave was more than I could bear.  I dropped to my knees while sobbing loudly.  I assumed a praying position without meaning to; but it was the exact position I needed to be in.

While crying loudly, I began asking God for strength, help, and healing.  I asked, I begged, I pleaded.  Then I asked for healing within my mind as well.  Yes, I need healing within my body right now, but my mind is where the biggest battle is occurring at this time.  I recently told a friend I feel like I died in September yet I came back to life as someone entirely different.  I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore.  I can't do all the things I did in my former life, and I am grieving for the person I once was.  I continued to cry out to God loudly crying uncontrollably for at least ten minutes.  Slowly, my tears slowed down and I began to feel a sense of calm.  It was as if a dam had burst, and after the mad rush of waters, it was beginning to recede.  After wiping my face, I sat there for a moment reflecting on the breakdown I had just had.  But then again, was it really a breakdown?  Or was it a moment of healing?

While messaging a friend last night and during another of my low moments, I was pouring my heart out about feeling so very alone and lost through all of this.  I mentioned how hard I strive to remain positive, be strong, and fight like everyone keeps telling me I need to do.  I also mentioned how I am repeatedly told not to cry, it's pointless, and I'm only being weak when I cry.  Often, when I began crying, I can see frustration set in, and rather than receive comfort, I'm simply left alone to deal with my feelings.  This leaves me feeling as if I cannot share my deepest fears, sadness, or look for comfort when I need it.  Therefore, I have began trying to hold it inside myself.  I am an emotional person.  I always have been.  My heart leads me, and it has led to me getting hurt the majority of my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Asking an emotional person to hold back part of who they are is like asking the wind not to blow.  It simply isn't possible.  The result of my holding back my emotions was the breakdown I mentioned above.  One way or another, it's going to come out.  My friend made a statement that truly got me thinking, and I realized how very true it is.  There are two types of strength--physical strength and mental/emotional strength.

I've tried to touch on this subject before; but I didn't fully have an understanding of this concept, so I'm touching on it again--with a new perspective.  Every time I am told to fight, be strong, be tough when I'm sad or upset, it frustrates me.  I feel like I am being told that because I'm crying or sad I'm not fighting, I'm being weak, and I'm not tough.  When my friend made that statement to me, I finally realized why I always feel this way.  Because I AM fighting, being strong and being tough.  I have not missed a single chemo appointment.  I have been determined since day one to stay on schedule and not get behind.  My goal was to power through each and every treatment no matter how difficult it was.  I have endured 15 treatments of chemotherapy being pumped into my body.  My body has ached relentlessly, I've felt sick and thrown up for days, I've lost my hair, and my life as I knew it before cancer isn't event remotely the same as it previously was.  Yet, I have continued to work as much as possible, I still spend as much time as possible with my children, and I went to as many of my daughter's basketball games as I have in previous years. THAT is fighting, being tough, and staying strong.  That's physical strength.

Mental/Emotional Strength is not something I can just turn on and off.  Moments of sadness and despair are part of the treatment process for a cancer patient.  Being mentally and emotionally strong is the ability to pick yourself up from those moments of sadness and regain your strength emotionally.  Crying and being afraid doesn't make you mentally or emotionally weak.  It makes you human.  After being told for months I am weak because I cry, I should take some medication for depression, or other suggestions that made no sense to me, I have come to the realization that the weakness does not lie within me.  I do not need medication to stop me from having moments of sadness.  In fact, as I mentioned above, my moment of complete and utter sadness led me to a feeling of peace and crying out to God, which is exactly what I needed to do.  The weakness lies in those who refuse to selflessly give of themselves when someone is hurting to emotionally hold them up when they are too weak to do it for themselves.  So many love songs talk about "I'll be strong when you're weak" or "I will hold you up when you cannot stand".  While these are beautiful lyrics and the vision we all have for how things will be when we are faced with something like cancer, I have learned some people simply aren't capable of actually following through on these promises.  Why?  Because one would need to truly be able to hurt when the other hurts to understand their pain.  Blocking this hurt with anger and frustration prevents this from happening.  It's a matter of deflection for the person unwilling to deal with the emotional turmoil the person in front of them is experiencing.  Anger is easier to deal with than hurt.  Simply saying "don't cry--you're being weak" is easier than feeling the other person's pain.  A simple statement has opened my eyes that I am not weak because I cry.  In fact, I am stronger because I allow myself to feel the pain and cry.  Having weak moments mentally and emotionally is part of the healing process.  I can let it out any time I need to, or the dam will eventually burst, and it will come out on its own.

While reflecting today, I realized how valuable the conversation I had last night was.  I haven't spoke to this friend in quite some time, and we aren't able to keep in touch regularly.  The message I received was somewhat random, or so it seemed.  I truly believe God had his hand on that conversation and there was nothing random about it.  There were things I needed to hear, and this individual simply followed God's lead.  This epiphany doesn't mean I won't have hard days anymore.  But for today, it means I have been reminded that God is watching over me even when I feel alone.

If I have any followers out there who are in the support role of someone with cancer, I beg of you to refrain from using the advice "be strong, fight, etc.".  Allow the person you are supporting to cry and be afraid.  Cry with them, and tell them it's okay.  Then, after a good cry, you can move forward to happier thoughts and keep up the fight.  I promise, both of you will feel better if you simply allow them to do what they need to do.

Much love to all my faithful readers.

Teresa