My friend, Missy Frechette, took me to treatment this week. I am so thankful for such good friends and family to ensure I make it to my treatments. I'm reluctant to take and post photos from the last two treatments as I feel I look "sick" and it's getting harder and harder to look good or like myself. But, I committed to taking these photos for every treatment from the start, so I'm sticking it through.
I went to treatment dreading it although I wanted it to be over with. I dread AC because I feel very tired when treatment begins, and it leaves me feeling sick and somewhat drunk. I definitely could not drive myself home from an AC treatment.
My blood counts were fantastic thanks to the Neulasta shot I take the Saturday after treatment. I was afraid my counts wouldn't be able to withstand the AC; but other than the one time when I ended up in the hospital, I have maintained pretty well.
My treatments are on Fridays. They give me a bag of Ammend via IV to help control nausea and sickness; and this does help. I normally go home and sleep all evening on Friday after Chemo. But on Saturday, I feel somewhat normal. I actually had some energy this week, and I managed to take my dog for a walk. That's one of my favorite things to do, so that was a big step for me. However, Sunday dawned along with the sick feeling I like to compare to the worst hangover you've ever had. Monday was worse than Sunday as it typically is the dreaded day 3 we all hear about it. I wasn't able to take my anti nausea meds because I had too much driving to do for my daughter, so that made it even worse. Finally, I was able to take my meds about 7 p.m. I put myself to bed hoping for a better day on Tuesday.
I woke today, Tuesday, feeling somewhat nauseas; but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I took my meds first thing this morning since school was cancelled and I wasn't received to drive; and it made all the difference in the world. Yes, I still feel somewhat sick; but nothing like it has been.
My final AC treatment is on March 7, 2014. My friends are trying to plan as many as people to go as possible to make my final treatment a celebration. For those of you who cannot go, a simple photo showing support is more than enough!
My surgery date has been scheduled for April 10, 2014. At this stage, my plan is to remove the left breast and insert an expander. The expander will be in place for about a month. I will then go in for a second surgery where the expander will be replaced with an implant. While I had previously asked for a complete mastectomy to include both breasts, my physician is not in favor of this unless my genetics test comes back positive. I am still waiting on these results and should have then within the next couple weeks. A party of me is relieved to only remove and do reconstruction on one breast while another part of me is scared to death there may be something in the right side they are missing. The WHAT IF weighs heavy on my mind.
Mentally, things are getting very difficult. My blog has revolved around being positive, and I've tried very hard to maintain that positive attitude; but I also don't want to be fake. As you may have noticed, I have not been updating my blog nearly as often. That's because I don't want to post a bunch of negative posits. I've been struggling with feeling down the past fews weeks. I feel like my life has taken a turn that I cannot control, and I'm struggling with hurt and pain within myself. I feel like I've lost who I am, and I am struggling to find myself again. I cry often. More than I care to admit. I'm told to stop crying as their is no point in it; but sometimes I cannot help how I feel. The tears just overwhelm me, and I need to let it out. Sometimes I know why I'm crying and sometimes I don't have a clue. Sometimes it's simply a feeling of being overwhelmed, tired of feeling sick, and everything that goes along with treatment. I keep telling myself things will get better. That I will find my place in the world again. Once I'm past being so sick all the time, I believe going back to work as much as I can will help tremendously. I often feel sad and depressed because I cannot leave my house. I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own home. A long, cold winter isn't helping matters at all!
On this note, I am trying very hard to give ALL of this up to God and let him handle it. I always try to take on the world and fix things myself; and this has been a struggle for me to let God handle it.
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