The Brain vs The Body

Since my diagnosis, I've often been told I'm an inspiration and strong.  At first, I believed this.  I felt strong, and I felt like I was making a difference with my blog and helping others out there who may be going through the same thing.  However, as time has went by, I feel more of a fraud than an inspiration.  Why?  Because my brain and my body don't seem to ever be at the same place anymore.  I feel disconnected from myself--like a train that's rolled off the tracks and no way to get back on.

Since my diagnosis, I wanted to remain strong through my treatments and continue to live my life as normally as possible.  I wanted to keep going to work and still go to all my daughter's basketball games.  I wanted to keep up the busy lifestyle I had previously enjoyed.  Accepting anything less, to me, was an admission of weakness, and that simply wasn't acceptable in my eyes.  Through the majority of my 12 Taxol treatments, I managed to keep up with this goal.  My energy levels remained much higher than most people expected, and I was proud of myself for keeping up with my goal.  I was actually starting to believe this chemo thing wasn't going to be nearly as bad as I expected or had heard.

But, I was quickly learning strength was way more than getting out of bed and keeping up with daily tasks.  I'm referring to mental strength.  Breast cancer has a way at eroding way at your mental strength even when you aren't aware it's doing it.  Over the past few months, I have watched my body weaken, and my mental strength has suffered a blow as well.  I find myself feeling very alone inside myself.  Lost inside this diagnosis of cancer wondering how I will ever find my way out again.  Sometimes, it feels like I've been locked in a dark building, and I'm wandering around trying to find my way out.  Trying to find myself again.  As hard as I've fought to prevent cancer from taking over my life and letting it define me, I feel like it has kicked me a few times while I'm on the ground.  I've been laying on the ground nursing my wounds and feeling sorry for myself; but I see I can either lay there and let cancer keep kicking me, or I can keep fighting back.  Keep fighting to stand back up.  Cancer may land another punch to knock me on my butt; but I have to keep getting back up.  Because as long as I stay down, it wins--mentally.

Having said all this, It's much easier to be positive and talk about fighting back; but it's a lot harder to to actually do it.  Someone told me earlier today I am an inspiration and so strong, and I felt ashamed.  I do not feel I have been much of an inspiration or very strong here lately.  I have a strong desire to begin a God-based support group for women struggling with cancer in our area.  Yes, I would like it to focus around support and understanding one another, but I feel it needs to include God too.  I grew up going to church three times a week, and my mother made sure I knew how to turn to God when times were tough, how to show thanks, and how to help others during a time of need.  I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I am so thankful my mom taught me to pray and how to turn to God when in need.  Prior to my diagnosis, I was living my life in my own way and making my own path.  Unfortunately, this path was not God's path for me.  I expected God to follow me rather than me to follow God.  My diagnosis took me back to my roots of what matters.  I began attending The Soul Harvest Church in Mason, WV, and the lessons I take from each service fill my soul and remind me of why my mom was so insistent on teaching her children to pray.  I turned back to God during this difficult time in my life, and it is God who has provided me with the peace of mind that has fed my soul.  I can be having a hard day (mentally), and when I listen to a service, I feel at peace again.  God has shown me so many signs that while this path I am on is not an easy one, it's HIS plan, and I need to trust him.  I truly believe the key to me beating this is within my own abilities to trust in God and show him I have faith in him.  Having said all this, this is why I would like the support group to provide not only support woman-to-woman; but also spiritual support.  I have learned this is so very important and necessary.

God did not make me into some super inspirational person who is strong.  I falter and cry daily.  I humbly state I don't have anymore answers than the next person.  What God has done is use my writing skills and my outgoing nature to reach out to those who need support.  I've often wondered what my purpose was in this life.  Obviously, my children are my reason for living, breathing, and existing, but I felt there had to be more of a purpose for ME.  I truly believe I have found it.

I downloaded a new CD on my phone earlier, and it has a song that truly spoke to me.  I believe so many others can also benefit from hearing this.  This song talks about how we all carry pain inside of us, and often, if we just take a moment to really look at someone when we see them, we may see it.  That a simple smile or act of kindness you may do without thinking may be the one act that renews someone's soul after a hard day.  Please take a listen.