Stay Strong, You Got This, Fight Like A Girl.......

We've all heard these cliche sayings, and we have all likely said them meaning well and to encourage others.  They are wonderful sayings with a heartfelt meaning; and this blog by no means is to discourage anyone from saying them.  I appreciate each and every time someone has used these phrases as a means to encourage me.  But I do want to talk about how it feels to be the one with breast cancer and on the receiving end of these words.

The day I found out I have breast cancer was by far one of the most difficult days of my life.  I was in Kentucky with my son trying to spend a weekend with him.  Some mom and son time.  I knew when we went on or trip what may happen while I was far from home.  I knew I had to call my doctor for my biopsy results while I was there.  It was what it was; and I couldn't change that.  Our trip was definitely affected by this.  Before I received the results, I was distracted; and I couldn't stop thinking about the results I might receive.  I called my doctor for my results while sitting on the end of my hotel bed.  I had been awake since 6 a.m.; and I had already showered trying to occupy myself and pass the time.  When I called my doctor, my hands were shaking, and I could barely breath.  My son was still sleeping in the other bed, but I knew I would wake him up talking on the phone.  Hearing my doctor tell me I had breast cancer over the phone hit me like a tidal wave  My doctor kept talking about his plans and what we would need to do; but I heard nothing past the word cancer. I couldn't think.  I couldn't breath.  I was crying so hard I couldn't breath.  Yet I wasn't making a sound.  I held so much inside because my son was just a few feet away from me.  He was scheduled to drive a Nascar race car in just a few hours.  He had been looking forward to doing this for months, and here I was ruining his trip with cancer.

As hard as I tried to keep things together, my son knew something was wrong.  He sat on the bed behind me and hugged me.  He knew I wouldn't have been crying if it was good news, so he was able to draw his own conclusions.  I allowed myself to cry for a few moments; but after a period of time, I had to pull myself together.  I had to get myself ready and get him to the racetrack.  I refused to allow cancer to ruin something he had looked forward to for so long.  As I was doing my makeup, I kept tearing up.  Tears would bubble up inside me and find their way down my cheeks no matter how hard I tried to keep them inside.  I felt like a storm was building inside me, and I was fighting to hold it back.  I have faced many trials in my life, and I have prided myself on staying strong for my children and always trying to keep it together for them.  Often, my children had no clue the sadness inside me or what I was hiding with a smile pasted on my face.  I became a pro at hiding my emotions in the name of my children's happiness.  This was just another one of those days.  I could do it.

Once we arrived at the race track, my son had to attend his training class before he could drive.  This left me sitting alone in the bleachers.  I found myself looking around and thinking about how my life had changed with just one phone call.  I had cancer the day before yet this particular day was different than the day before because now I knew.  I kept having to wipe tears away that were creeping down my face.  There were strangers all around me, and I didn't want to draw attention to myself.  I remember thinking "how am I going to get through this day?".  At one point, I simply closed my eyes and asked God to give me strength and to simply let me enjoy this day with my son.  Somehow, someway, could't I smile and forget the news I was just given.  It was then my son walked out in his racing outfit.  He looked so happy and excited.  I silently thanked God for his answered prayer.

The photo above was taken of me and my son as he awaited his turn to drive.  Right after I asked God for my reason to smile.  To give me strength to get through the day.  I had a few moments here and there that the news would creep into my mind, but I shoved it away and focused on the moment at hand.  I watched my son live out his dream of driving a race car.  I do not think I've ever seen him so happy.  Watching him climb into his race car and drive around that track was just the distraction I needed.  As I was standing at the fence watching my son prepare to drive his car, I met another parent whose son was driving the car right next to my son's car.  He only had a camera and couldn't video his son's driving, so I told him I would be happy to email him videos of his son if he gave me his email address.  It was easy to video his son along with my son.  Together, we cheered for our boys and encouraged them.  It was fun to cheer and be myself.  While we were waiting for our son's to exit their vehicles, he gave me his email address and thanked me for my kindness.  I emailed him the videos a few days later with an apology for taking so long and explaining the news I had received that morning. He replied that he was shocked to read about the news I had received that morning, as he would have never guessed based on the vibrant, happy, and full of life woman he had met.  He is a doctor at Cincinnati Children's hospital you see.  Trained to spot illness.  Yet, I pulled off the ultimate act of covering up the hurt and pain inside of myself.  Even a trained physician didn't pick up on it.  I have told this story to talk about strength and cancer.

As I drove the 3.5 hour trip home, my son slept.  I cried most of the way home.  It was truly my first opportunity to allow myself to be weak and sad.  While my son slept, I felt like I was finally able to allow myself to be upset.  I didn't need to be strong and paste a smile on my face for anyone.  It was the longest 3.5 hours of my life.  The  miles seemed to stretch on forever and ever.  I knew upon arriving home I had to be strong again for my family.  I had to talk to my daughters and break their heart.  I knew hearing I had cancer would hurt them worse than anything they had ever faced in the world.  I was dreading it.  No parent wants to hurt their children, and I had no choice but to do it.  Upon pulling in the driveway, I again put my emotional armor on.  Before speaking to my daughters, my husband came in the laundry room where I was folding laundry in an attempt to pull myself together.  He shut the door and hugged me.  I began crying again.  Maybe I never really stopped?  I brokenly said "I just want to go deep into the woods and scream.  Scream as loud as I can--over and over".  The storm was building again.  It was bubbling over the top, and I just kept pushing it down.  After a moment, I pulled myself together and took a deep breath.  I had to speak to my daughters.

My daughters were in the kitchen waiting for me.  They knew something was going on.  They know me well.  I asked them to go to my daughter's room to talk.  We sat on the bed, and I took a moment to look at their faces the moment before I broke their heart to memorize that second before I changed their lives.  It was an eternity in a brief second.  Upon telling them my news, I watched their faces contort in anguish and hurt.  They immediately began crying and saying "no mommy.  It can't be right.  I can't lose you".  My heart was breaking with them.  I too was hurt, sad, scared, and completely unsure of where this was going to lead me; but I had no choice but to pull myself together and be strong for them.   I did my best to use all those tough sayings we all hear over and over.  "I will beat this", "I'm too stubborn for cancer", "This is just another bump in the road; but it's not the end".  I had to convince them it was okay.  Inside I was falling apart; but on the outside, I was tough, strong, and reassuring.

While I've taken on the "I can do anything" role my entire life, this was my biggest challenge.  I was facing a life threatening disease; and everyone was watching how I handled it.  My children were drawing strength from me.  When no one was looking, I would break down and cry.  I would go to the bathroom just to sit on the toilet and cry.  I had to hide to cry.  Everyone kept telling me to be strong and fight.  No one told me to cry and it was okay to be weak.  When I did break down and begin crying, I would get a lecture about being strong and not thinking about anything but a positive outcome.  Did I want to wallow in self pity?  No, but what I really wanted and still want is for someone to be strong for me the way I've been strong for them.  Being the rock for everyone in your life is a very lonely place.  The rock gets beaten and battered by the crashing waves of a storm over and over.  The rock stays firmly in place, but the waves alter the rock by smoothing out the sharp edges.  The shape of the rock is changed by the crashing waves over time.  Yet it is affected.  The waves don't stop to consider their effect on the rock.  They just do what they do--crash into the rock over and over.

Since my diagnosis, I have longed to stop being the rock and be allowed to be the waves for a while.  I'm tired, and I want it to be okay to admit weakness sometimes.  I think about this for a few moments, and I realize that while I have moments of weakness, I could never be the waves.  The waves are inconsistent and lack shape and form.  They crash through life only affecting other people and never finding a place to rest or be the constant for those they love.  As the rock, it may be lonely and difficult, and the waves affect me daily.  They have shaped and changed me.  My rough edges are being smoothed.  But as the rock, my children know without a doubt where to find me.  I am constant and unwavering.  So, while I struggle to remain strong, to fight and be tough, I know I must continue to do so.  Not only do I not know any other way, but it's part of who I am.

I only ask that each person reading this take a moment to consider if you're the waves battering the rock or are you the rock standing strong while the waves crash against you?  No matter which role you play, consider your actions and strive to be a little of both.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo Dose 6/12--Taxol

I'm Half Way Done With Taxol!

November 22, 2013 marked my sixth dose of Taxol!  This is the half way point through my Taxol treatments.  I'm not half way done with all my chemo, but it's half way through this particular treatment, and I'm celebrating each and every milestone on my way to survivorship and recovery I can grasp!

My husband took me to treatment this week.  He hasn't been able to take me to other treatments so far as it's hard for him to get off work, so it was cool that he got to take me to my sixth treatment, which I had been counting down to.  I do not have Chemo this coming Friday due to the holidays.  It's Monday, December 2 instead.  This means I'll be getting my chemo three days late; but I will be getting it back on schedule over the course of the three following weeks.  I'm obsessive about not wanting to miss a single dose or get off track.

While at treatment yesterday, I did experience a little hiccup I wasn't expecting.  My first two treatments, I was given pre-medication to prevent an allergic reaction to the Taxol.  If you don't experience a reaction, you're not required to continue getting these pre medications  One of the pre-medications is a healthy dose of steroids.  I hated how they made me feel plus they made my face, chest and back break out horribly.  My face looked like a teenager's!  It took me two weeks to clear up my face after my last dose of steroids.  Chemo wrecks havoc on your confidence and self image.  Having tons of acne makes it even worse!  Unfortunately, about ten minutes into my treatment yesterday, I began feeling short of breath and my chest hurt--as if I had been running in the cold air.  I had felt this way last week during treatment, but it was mild, so I ignored it.  This week, it was more noticeable, and I was afraid to not say anything again.

Chuck alerted my nurse, and there was a flurry of activity.  I felt silly for causing such a scene.  Suddenly, there was 5 and 6 nurses and doctors in my room and checking me and asking questions.  I already was wishing I hadn't said anything.  I kept thinking to myself "It's really not a big deal".  The nurses immediately turned off my Taxol drip and began checking my vitals.  Everything checked out fine and within normal range.  About five minutes after the Taxol drip was turned off, the shortness of breath and chest pain went away.   My doctor came in and checked me; and she determined it was definitely an allergic reaction.  A mild one; but a reaction none the less.  She ordered a steroid shot, to wait 15 minutes, check my vitals again, and if all checked out, start the Taxol again.  Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled about the steroid shot.  I actually begged her not to give it to me.  Unfortunately, she wasn't having any of it; and I not only had to get it yesterday, I have to have it each week prior to treatment now.

Having a reaction on the sixth treatment is rare, but anyone who knows me knows I am anything but ordinary.  I do everything the opposite way that anyone else would do it.  I choose my own path or just forge my own trail.  I honestly do not try to be difficult or different.  I just AM without even trying.  Even when I try to blend in, I end up standing out.  I was not thrilled with all the attention it brought yesterday.  I just want to be the quiet patient who comes and goes without a single issue.  If anyone is discussing me, I want it to be because everything was so unremarkable with me!  Now, back to the reaction on the sixth treatment statement--notice I mentioned above I felt this last week too.  I openly admit I've felt this feeling a little more each week over the past few weeks.  I am not sure if the reaction worsens each week without treatment for it, or what, but I can honestly say I tried to ignore it; but this week it simply couldn't be ignored.  I honestly felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest--or something heavy was sitting on top my chest.  I suppose I should have said something from the start.  My desire to be unremarkable and not make a fuss tends to make me ignore things I shouldn't ignore and convince myself "it's nothing".  I simply don't want to be a pain or a complainer.  I get annoyed by people who constantly complain or draw attention to themselves.  Therefore, I tend to make sure I don't do this.

Once my chemo was started again, I felt fine and I had no further instances of feeling short of breath.  Before I knew it, I was done and we were ready to leave.  We stopped by the Hopes Boutique shop in the breast center.  I wanted to make an appointment to have my wig looked at as it was driving me absolutely crazy.  I couldn't keep the hair out of my face.  The wig had been designed to part on the left, and I have always parted my hair on the right.  I cannot stand to have my hair hanging across my forehead the wrong direction.  It literally drives me nuts!  I have tried pinning the hair back and forcing it to part on the side I wanted, but that thing had a mind of its own and would drop down in my face constantly.  I was so annoyed with constantly having hair hanging in my face.  My own hair is fine and soft, so having heavier hair hanging in my face was not going to sit well with me.  They were able to get me an appointment for 1:30, so that gave Chuck and I some time to grab some lunch.  We went to Miller's Alehouse next to the clinic, and it was absolutely amazing.  Their food is fabulous, and I highly recommend it if you haven't tried one!

At 1:30, I was in the back of the boutique discussing my wig issues with the very helpful ladies--Michelle and Robyn.  One of the issues was the wig was a little big for my head.  I have an abnormally small head as it falls below the average size head.  Yes, once again, I'm anything but normal.  This makes finding a wig with a cap that fits my head naturally very tough.  Mine tends to rub the back of my neck constantly because it's just longer than my head is.  We discussed ordering a wig with a smaller, more petite cap.  I also wanted a short haircut about the length my hair was before it fell out.  In a very short period of time, I grew to love short hair.  I loved my long hair, but short hair was so easy to care for and less cumbersome.  There is a very good chance I'll never have long hair again because I now realize how annoying it is!  We tried about every wig they had in stock, and very few worked for me.  I was getting frustrated.  Why can't caps be ordered based on your head's actual measurements!?

It became obvious nothing in stock was going to work for me.  We did find a wig that fit my head more comfortably than the one I currently have; but the color they had in stock was blonde.  Everyone knows I'm not a blonde.  This meant they would have to order it.  In the meantime, I needed to get my current wig to be less annoying.  The first thing we decided to do was cut some of the length off of it.  I have found the more hair that's on a wig, the heavier it is.  Which means it's more annoying.  Having your own hair hanging around your neck can be annoying at times.  Imagine hair that isn't yours wrapping around your neck, getting in your mouth, etc.  You seriously want to rip it out of your face and burn it! My wig had two major layers.  The first ending just below my chin and the second just barely hitting my shoulders.  It was an adorable cut and very much like the cut I've had most of my life; but it no longer was what I liked.  That short hair cut was stuck in my brain, and I wanted shorter hair again!  So, I sat in the salon chair and got my first wig cut.  It's must like getting a hair cut.  Only they are cutting off  hair that isn't really yours.  LOL  She chopped off pretty much all of the second, longer layer from the wig, and I began to see an adorable long bob taking shape.  She then thinned it out a little around my face.  Finally, Michelle took the wig to the back and with it parted exactly where I wanted on the right, steamed it to re-shape the wig and train it to part where I wanted rather than where it had been parted when I bought it.  I had no idea they could steam a wig to part in a particular place.  Had I known this, I would have did it from the start because that part issue has been driving me insane since day one!

Needless to say, I was pretty happy with the results when she brought my wig back out.  I may not need the wig they ordered, and if I decide not to buy it, it's okay as they needed it for their stock anyway; but it's good to not have a bunch of hair in my face and it feel more like my hair than it's felt since the day I had to begin wearing it.

After I got home last night, I put a scarf on my head and put some comfortable clothes on.  Not long after I had been home, my daughter asked me to take her to the gas station for some munchies and movies.  I thought about putting my wig back on, but I decided it was time to stop hiding behind a wig every time I walked out of my house.  So, for the first time since I lost my hair, I left my house without a wig.  I had a black scarf tied over my head, so I looked like I was out for a Harley ride, but it was still obvious I was bald as there was no hair peeking out the bottom of my scarf.  I saw a few people in the gas station sneaking glances at me and trying not to stare too long, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  I suppose I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to look like a glamour queen 24/7.  I try not to consider myself to be a vain person, but I've always taken pride in my appearance, so it's difficult for me to face not "looking good".

Over the past week, I've noticed my eyebrows are getting very thin.  I've been using an eyebrow brush and filling in the gaps and hiding the fact that they are falling out too; but when I wash my face after I'm home, they are definitely disappearing too.  Several weeks ago, I purchased the makeup I would need to fill in my eyebrows as well as false eyelashes (because those will likely be the next to go), so I'm prepared; but it doesn't make it any easier.  I've never been one to wear makeup constantly.  I would go to Wal-Mart without a stitch of makeup often; but I now catch myself not wanting to go anywhere without making sure my makeup is done.  I do not like HAVING to wear makeup.  It's always been an option for me.  Stupid cancer--I'm already SO OVER IT.

Other than what I have already mentioned, I have had a few side effects creep in on me.  This week, I've noticed I'm thirsty even when I drink water.  My mouth seems to dry out pretty fast.  I just try to keep drinking water and keep it from drying out; but it's a constant battle.  Also, last week, I began feeling like my hands were dry and chapped.  They stung and itched.  It was a strange feeling, and I kept putting lotion on my hands thinking they were dried out from washing them so often.  Finally, near the end of the week, I realized what I was feeling in my hands wasn't my skin dry or chapped.  What I was feeling was neuropathy caused from chemotherapy. It is a little uncomfortable, and it comes and goes, so I don't consider it to be a major issue.  It's more of an annoyance than anything.  But, I promised myself I would be honest about any side effects I had through this process and when they began so this may help someone else facing this.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Surgical Oncology Check-Up & New Tumor

Is It Possible?

I had a check-up with my surgical oncologist today.  He checked Diablo the tumor and agreed he is shrinking nicely.  It is approximately 1-inch wide (left to right) and 1/2-inch tall top to bottom).  It is much softer as it was very hard before I began treatment.  Because it's softer, it's not as obvious and easy to feel.  Everyone keeps asking me if the fact that my tumor is shrinking so fast will affect how long I am required to do treatment.  My treatment plan upon diagnosis was six months of chemo--12 treatments (1 per week) of Taxol, and 4 treatments (1 every other week) of Adria & Cytoxan.  My doctor confirmed today that the tumor responding quickly to treatment does not alter my treatment plan.  The best possible outcome is for there to be no disease left after treatment is complete.  Many patients have no trace of a tumor after treatment, which makes the surgery more successful. So while it would be nice to move things faster than first planned, I want to make sure we get every trace of this stupid disease as possible. Better to do it all now than have to do it again later.  My doctor said everything looked great, and I would see him again in a month.

I then told him that approximately two weeks ago I noticed sharp, stinging pains in my right breast near my nipple in the 2-O'Clock position.  This is the opposite breast where my known tumor, Diablo, is located.  The sharp, stinging pains I was feeling were identical to what I felt where my current tumor is located before the tumor was there and as it began growing.  I thought it was a hormonal cyst and ignored the pains last time; but this time I knew better.  I checked my breast throughly in the area where I was having the pains, and sure enough, I found a lump.  It was small and deep within my breast tissue, so I likely would not have ever found it if not for the pains that alerted me something was going on.  While I hoped it was a cyst, I wasn't going to take any chances.  He felt the lump, and agreed it was too suspicious not to check on, so he sent me across the hall for an ultrasound of the lump.

After my ultrasound, I went back to my doctor's office and waited for him to come in to tell me the findings of the ultrasound.  The radiologist read the ultrasound and determined it was not a cyst as it did not have fluid and was a solid mass.  Based on this, the radiologist determined a biopsy was needed to determine what the mass was.  Surprisingly, I didn't get that dreaded feeling I got the first time I was told this news.  I suppose I was expecting it this time.  Besides, I already have cancer, and I had already planned on a double mastectomy so for me, it's not like this changed my plan.  I figure it's better to know what we're dealing with when the time comes.  Because I live two hours away, they worked in my biopsy to be at noon.  This gave me two hours to grab some lunch before heading back.

I arrived a few moments early for my biopsy.  Not because I was looking forward to it; but because I wanted to get it over with.  My doctor is a fabulous doctor, and he honestly does a great job taking care of me; but a biopsy hurts.   So I knew what I was in for, and I was dreading it.  My last biopsy consisted of 10 core samples, and it sucked!  This tumor was much smaller, so I knew it couldn't consist of as many samples; but I was dreading it none-the-less.

The nurses called me back; and one of them was the same one who was involved in my first biopsy.  She remembered me as the girl with the awesome boots.  That made me laugh--I do love my boots!  We chatted as we prepared for the biopsy and waited on the doctor to come in.  Dr. Povoski arrived, and I took a deep breath preparing myself for what was about to happen.  He first numbed my breast so I wouldn't feel the biopsy.  While the numbing certainly prevents you from feeling would would obviously be absolutely torture and unbearable without it, you still feel pressure and an uncomfortable feeling.  The shot to numb your breast does hurt--it stings as if you're being stung multiple times.  He used an ultrasound to guide the biopsy needle so I could watch the needle being inserted in my breast and directly into the tumor.  I was impressed both this time and the previous time at his precision and ability to insert a needle through breast tissue into a tumor inside your breast.  Last time, the tumor was so big it wasn't hard to hit the tumor; but this time, the tumor was small and much more difficult to "hit".  Yet he did it perfectly and on the first try.  He did three core biopsy samples from the tumor, which was a relief that it wasn't more.  While it hurt, it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time.

After he was done with the biopsy, he said the tissue he removed from the tumor looked like fibrocystic breast tissue to him, but the biopsy results would confirm this.  Fibrocystic breast tissue is dense breast tissue that sometimes forms a benign tumor in the breast.  While I am praying this is the case, I am prepared if I hear the word cancer yet again.  I'm already receiving treatment so this time would not be nearly as traumatic.  The first time I went through this, I had a deep sense of dread inside of me.  I somehow knew it was cancer long before any tests told me so.  Even when doctors were telling me it had none of the characteristics of cancer and everything pointed to a benign tumor, I carried a sense of dread that they were wrong.  I do not feel this way this time.  I have a sense of peace about this; and I truly feel it's going to be okay.

I feel as if this lump has likely been there for quite some time.  I'm just more aware of what I feel in my body now.  So I want to use this blog to again remind everyone out there to listen to your body.  Please pay attention when your body is giving you signals something is going on.  Please check your breasts regularly in the shower or in bed.  Regularly means at least once a month.  Do not quickly check your breasts, but take your time and feel deep within your tissue.  To feel the lump in my right breast, I had to somewhat pinch the area to feel it.  If you aren't sure what you're feeling for, contact your local Cancer Society.  They may have a breast model you can practice on.  It is worth the time doing this as the model is a squishy breast with various lumps inside it.  It teaches you how to find a lump and just how hard and deep you need to press to find one.  I was surprised at how difficult it was to find a lump even when you knew it was there.  Your health is worth taking the time to learn this.  Finding a lump when it's tiny vs finding a lump once it's grown large enough to make itself obvious can be the difference between stage 1 and stage 3 cancer.  That's a pretty big deal when it comes to survival rates and the chances for cancer to have spread to your lymph nodes, which can then be circulated through your circulatory system to various organs in your body.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to listen to your body and speak to your doctor about any concerns you may have.  Regardless of how small they may seem.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo Dose 5/12--Taxol

Keep that CAN DO attitude!

I had my fifth dose of Chemo on Friday, November 15, 2013.  My son, Scott, took me to my appointment this time.  I drove to the appointment just because I felt like I needed to maintain some sort of independence over what my life has become.  As grateful as I am for each and every person who helps me out by driving me to my appointments and being there for me, I find myself missing my independence.  Don't get me wrong--I cherish every moment I get to spend with whomever takes me; but it's very difficult to go from a "I can do it myself" attitude to always depending on someone to transport me around.

The hardest part about having to allow someone to drive me to and from appointments is that I feel perfectly fine before and after my treatments.  I do not FEEL I need someone to screw up their day to drive me around when I feel perfectly capable of doing it myself.  I've come to realize how very stubborn I am when it comes to my independence and ability to let others care for me.  The funny thing is I have always wanted someone to take care of me and just "make everything okay".  I've always felt I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I would sigh in frustration and say "I suppose I will take care of this mess because no one else is going to".  Yet, I now realize even if someone tried to help me, I likely wouldn't allow it.  It's just not part of who I am to sit by quietly and let someone take care of me.  I am not sure how I became so independent and stubborn.  Or why?  I just know it's becoming very clear to me that my stubbornness is definitely my biggest asset in my ability to take this all in stride, but it's also my biggest weakness in admitting when I need help and allowing people to help me. 

My determination to NOT get a port is a prime example.  Each week I hold my breath while they start an IV hoping everything goes well because I simply refuse to get a port.  Why?  Because I don't want to mess with it every day each day?  Yes, that's part of it, but the biggest part is that I have set a goal to NOT have one and be able to reach the end of this saying--I did it without a port.  Giving in and getting a port would mean failing to meet a goal I have set for myself. 

Friday, the chemo nurse started my IV.  She used a vein on the side of my arm that hadn't been used before, and she did a fabulous job starting my IV.  I barely felt a thing.  Success!  As I sat there watching the drip, drip, drip of Taxol into my bloodstream, I watched my son sitting in the chair across from me.  He had set his laptop up to do homework; but within moments, he was asleep.  It struck me how different things were that week compared to the week prior when my daughters had taken me.  It dawned on me how much my daughters were just like me.  My oldest daughter works 39 hours a week plus attends college full time.  She is tired much of the time; and Fridays are often her days to sleep in and catch up on homework.  I know she's tired.  My younger daughter attends high school full time, is a Cheerleader, and works a part time job for another employee within my department in the event parking area.  She stands outside in the cold and deals with complaining customers for very little money--because she wants to help pay for her car in a few months.  She too rarely gets to sleep in.  They, like me, are go, go, go with can-do attitudes.  Yet, both of them went with me to my appointment not complaining about how tired they were or making the situation about them.  Instead, they kept conversation going, and kept my focus off the reason I was sitting in that chair.  They kept me laughing.  They could have sat quietly and played on their phones or took a much needed nap, but they didn't. 

I smiled as I realized how much my son truly was a "man" in that sense.  Girls just tend to have more empathy than boys--sorry if this offends someone; but this is my experience.  This isn't to say my son wasn't concerned about me like my daughters were.  It simply shows the difference in who they are.  I truly believe empathy is not an inherit characteristic we are born with.  Some of us simply have to learn it while others just get it without even trying.  My son, like my daughter, attends college full time, and he works 30-38 hours per week.  I know he was tired and couldn't help himself from falling asleep as we sat in my room.  I love him for who he is, and I don't want him to change a thing about himself.  It just struck me how some of us will push ourselves beyond our limits--to an unhealthy point, simply because of a drive we have inside of us.  While drive is GOOD on many levels, it can also harm us if we don't know when to draw the line. 

Historically, the women in my family have always been strong minded, and we power forward through life refusing to allow anything to stop us.  I am thankful for this trait that was passed to me as it is the reason I feel I am handling cancer the same way I have everything else in my life.   A task or goal I need to complete so I can move on to the next challenge. But, at times, I feel I become too focused on the goal, and I forget to take a moment to look around me and enjoy the right now.  So, my epiphany for the week is to take more time to enjoy each and every moment and let the goal work itself out.  As simple as that may sound, that's a pretty tall order for me.  I do hope that my children can be strong through life; but also take a moment to enjoy the little moments without becoming too focused on the goal.

Having said all this, my treatment went off without a hitch on Friday.  I think I too may have dozed off a few times during my treatment.  My blood work, which was done prior to my chemo being released for treatment, was good.  My WBC was exactly as it was last week, which is good.  I was afraid it would drop a little from the flu shot; but it maintained perfectly.  I hope it's UP next week.  Yeah, there is another one of those goals I have been talking about.  I AM my own worst critic!  After treatment, my son and I chatted on the way home and stopped for lunch before heading home.  I enjoyed spending the day with him.  Although he lives in my house, I don't see him that much.  Between my work schedule, his work and class schedule, and my doctor appointments, we seem to always miss one another at home.  As the photo above shows, he did shave his head for me.  This made me happy.  Not because I wanted him to shave his head because I lost my hair; but because he is notorious for not getting regular hair cuts.  This means his hair will be neat for a while without any effort.  LOL

I have made it to day three after my treatment.  I feel a little tired today, but it's not what I would consider an extreme tired feeling.  It's manageable.  The biggest side effect I seem to struggle with is constipation.  Yeah, I am going to go there.  While I know many people read my blog who are not cancer patients, I am trying to ensure I talk about any issues I face to help those who ARE cancer patients.  To provide a guide and just a story of a real-life experience.  So, I HAVE to go there! 

I've always struggled with constipation a little (well before I was sick), so I am not surprised this is the direction this particular side effect has gone.  I made the mistake of taking a laxative this Saturday looking for relief--BIG MISTAKE.  My stomach cramped and hurt so bad I spent most of the day sitting on the couch doubled over.  I was finally able to find some relief in the bathroom Saturday evening, but I still felt I could have more relief come my way!  I have begun taking Senekot daily in hopes I can prevent constipation and encourage more regularity.  I also began the Probiotic daily pearls.  I've read these really help (pretty much anyone); but specifically patients undergoing chemotherapy treatments.  I will update this regarding how it helps, so anyone else facing this issue will know if it is worth trying!

On a finale note, I would like to end by saying this--I've had a few people contact me who are not so fortunate to handle treatments so well.  Who have experienced almost every side effect possible and debilitating nausea and illness.  First, I would like to say how sorry I am for how sick they feel.  I do not talk about how good I feel to rub in anyone's face that I feel good and they don't.  I am simply trying to share my experience.  This is MY experience, and I apologize up front to anyone who finds it irritating that my experience isn't as negative or as bad as theirs is or has been.  I hope and pray they can find peace and relief from the side effects they are experiencing.  I would not wish this on ANYONE.   Having said this, please know I have my good and bad days.  I just try not to focus on the bad days.  I break down and cry at random times and feel like the world is suddenly against me.  I wonder if I'm fighting this battle to win only to have it come back at a later date and me go through this all over again.  I have doubts like everyone else.  But I try not to focus on them.  Why?  Because that doesn't do anything positive for me.  Think about wars in history.  If the individuals who fought in those wars decided to get involved based on "I may die anyway so why bother"; we likely wouldn't have won many wars.  The United States would not be the country it currently is, and dictators would be the norm.  This is why I try not to focus on the negative, because history shows us that even when things look their worst and seem impossible, there is hope.  To me, this is no different.  This is WAR--against cancer; and the best thing I can do for myself to beat it is keep a positive attitude.

A bible verse I have known since I was a child that will always stick with me and keep me moving forward is the definition of Faith:  Faith is the substance of things hoped for yet unseen.  I do not know I won't get cancer again.  I do not know I will beat this.  I do not know I will live a long, happy life.  But I do know I have right now.  I know I can live during the time I am given or I can let this mentally beat me up.  I know that my biggest regret in the end will not be what I did; but rather what I did not do.  I choose to live--to do. 

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Cancer Resources--FREE STUFF!

There is help out there!

Since my diagnosis, I have spent countless hours on the Internet searching for help and resources available to cancer patients.  Cancer is a tough disease, and it can be tough on your finances, appearance, and it has a domino effect on every part of your life.  I have medical insurance; but we all know insurance doesn't pay 100%.  Insurance doesn't put gas in your car to get to treatments, help you buy meals when traveling for treatments or pay the co-pays for prescriptions.  And what about that 20% your insurance doesn't cover?  Yeah, let the bills come rolling in.  Not only are you slammed with a life threatening disease that ravages your body, you can be left in financial ruin when you finally kick it.

I am a worrier and a planner by nature.  No matter how hard I try not to plan, I drive myself crazy until I try to plan for every detail of my life.  Being diagnosed with breast cancer was no different.  I suppose it's my way of coping.  When I'm faced with something that's out of my control, I look for ways to plan and control as much of it as I can.  In this process, I have found some very useful resources I would like to share with my readers.  Resources not just for financial assistance for medical bills and expenses, but free hats, scarves, trips and necessary items for the emotional well being of a patient as well as the physical and financial.

I will be adding to this as I find more so check back often.

Your Local Cancer Society--Almost every county has a Cancer Society.  Typically, these are found within the county Health Department.  Your local Cancer Society can offer support with expenses related to gas, meals, and hotel costs associated with treatments.  This is provided at no cost and is funded through grants and local donations.  Anyone with a diagnosis of cancer is eligible for these benefits regardless of income.

CoPay Relief Foundation- The CoPay Patient Advocate Foundation provides direct financial assistance to qualified patients, assisting them with prescription drug co-payments their insurance requires relative to their diagnosis.  If you think co-pays on prescriptions is too small of an amount to mess with this, think again.  Even $15 co-pays can quickly add up, and that's on a generic prescription.   All it takes is ONE prescription not in network for your insurance, and you may find yourself paying $100 or more for one prescription.  Many medications for cancer patients are quite expensive.  Do not write this off as "not a big deal".  

Look Good, Feel Better--This program can also be arranged through your local cancer society (local health department).  They provide cancer patients with free wigs, makeup application tips for cancer patients, free cosmetics, free hats and scarves, and many other items to simply help you look good and feel better.  

Lolly's Locks--Cancer patients can apply for a free or reduced price wig.  These wigs are the highest quality human hair wigs available. 

Road To Recovery--This program provides cancer patients with a ride to and from treatment.  Most treatment requires the cancer patient to be driven to and from treatment, therefore, many patients are left trying to find a family member or friend to take them to and from treatment.  This program provides assistance for patients to ensure they can get to and from treatment.  

Multiple Links For Assistance--The American Cancer Society provides a multitude of information and resources for cancer patients.  This is one you cannot overlooks.  A few of the links include one's I've already listed here, but there is some very good information here.

Cancer Financial Assistance Coalition--There are various links on this page related to financial and other assistance for cancer patients and their family members.  

The C.H.A.I.N Fund--The Chain Fund assists cancer patients who are currently unable to work with bills such as mortgage or rent payments, utilities, prescription co-pays, insurance co-pays, & special food needs.

Manage Cancer--There are a lot of useful links on this page for financial assistance.  

Heavenly Hats--This was started by a teenager who had cancer and wanted to give back.  Hats are donated to any cancer patient who applies.  

Good Wishes Luxury Scarves--These scarves are the finest material and value at $75 or higher each; however, they donate one scarf to each cancer patient who submits an application.  I highly recommend this!

Fill A Heart--Cancer patients who have had a mastectomy can get a heart shaped pillow, which makes the healing process more comfortable.  

Peninsula Medical Free Alert Band--Anyone who has had a lymph node surgery is forever at risk for lymphedema.  Blood pressure or an IV cannot be started in the arm in which the surgery occurred, and an alert bracket is necessary to ensure medics are aware of your risk.  Get your free bracelet here.  

Cleaning For A Reason--This is an awesome service that allows cancer patients to have their home cleaned by a local cleaning service.  While this service isn't available in all areas, I highly recommend considering this if it's available in your area.

First Descents--This is an amazing outdoor adventure program for those fighting or who have survived cancer.  They have programs in multiple states and offer free trips for cancer patients.  Definitely worth checking out!

Little Pink Houses of Hope--This amazing service provides week long beach trips for cancer patients (currently fighting and survivors) and their families to give the a chance to reconnect and simply get away from cancer.  Another must to check out!

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo (Taxol), Side Effects, and ME

How I Feel

Before I began receiving chemotherapy treatments, I was schooled on what to expect, what the possible side effects were, and how to prepare myself for these side effects.  This is a broad list of every possible side effect, and it was a bit overwhelming.  The list seemed endless, and at one point I thought "I don't even feel sick with cancer.   Yet the treatment to kill the cancer will make me sick?".  That logic made no sense to me.  I still shake my head when I think about how unfair it is that the treatment necessary to save a cancer patient's life can also bring a person's life to a screeching halt.  When I say a screeching halt, I mean actually living life and routines that were normal before being diagnosed.  By this I mean, we must suddenly consider everything we eat, drink, and do. No longer can we make plans with friends to stay out half the night without considering "how tired will I be, and can I keep up with my healthy friends?".   Suddenly, every decision you make has to be made with your condition in mind.  I have listed some of the side effects I was told to expect; and I've discussed how each has affected me.

• Hair Loss:  Hair Loss was the first obvious side effect I was told about.  I knew this before I was even told.  I had heard some chemo treatments don't cause hair loss, but I didn't even allow myself to hope the one I would be given would be one of those.  I was told I should expect to begin losing my hair around the time I received my second treatment.  I got my hair cut short (short for me) before my first treatment in hopes it would be easier to lose my hair when it began.  When I received my second treatment, I tried to prepare myself for my hair to fall out.  But nothing happened.  While receiving my third treatment, the nurse informed me there are rare occasions women who are on Taxol only see a thinning of hair and don't actually lose their hair.  She said "you may be one of them!".  For the first time since I found out I had breast cancer, I began to hope I may escape this dreaded side effect.  Unfortunately, just as I began to have hope and believe I may escape this, my hair began falling out.  I had managed to hold onto my hair almost twice as long as the typical patient, so I was grateful for that; but it didn't make it any easier to accept.  The morning of my fourth chemo treatment, I lost so much hair I was forced to cut all my hair off myself so I could wear a wig.  That night, my husband used the clippers to give me a very close buzz cut.  It was very difficult, and even though you expect it, it isn't easy.  I still recommend preparing yourself as I outlined in my blog "Facing Hair Loss".  I feel like this would have been even more difficult if I hadn't taken the steps to prepare myself as I did.

• Nausea:  Nausea is one of the side effects I truly expected to have and was dreading.  I do not consider myself to be a baby.  I actually feel like I am more the type to suffer in silence.  I don't like to complain about feeling bad.  But I have always had a hard time functioning through nausea.  I'm not one of those people who can feel sick, throw up, and keep going as if nothing happened.  Once I reach the point of throwing up, I am DONE.  I end up in bed and unable to function.  I was very fortunate to make it through three pregnancies with little to no nausea.  I was one of those pregnant women who every other pregnant woman hated--no nausea, swelling, stretch marks, etc.  I enjoyed my pregnancies.  So I feared "I'm going to get all that nausea three fold for all that I escaped with three pregnancies".  Not only did my doctors prepare me for nausea, but everything I read online talked about it.  My oncologist gave me a prescription for Zofran in case I have issues with nausea the day I had my first treatment.  I've yet to take one.  I have had days in which I don't feel top notch, but it hasn't been anything like I was expecting.  I expected the flu-like feeling of nausea where you cannot sit up in the vertical position without tossing your lunch.  I read all the horror stories about throwing up so much they ended up in the hospital for dehydration.  I feel very fortunate to say I have not experienced this.  I keep thinking "it's because I've only had a few treatments".  But I have been told by my doctors and nurses that chemo doesn't build up in your system and the side effects get worse with each treatment.  You either have them or you don't.  So what I've had thus far is what I can expect with this particular treatment.  Woot Woot--I sure hope this is true!

• Fatigue:  Fatigue, or feeling overly tired, was another common side effect I was warned to expect.  I thought to myself "well, I've been overly tired for about a year, so I hate to see how tired this is going to make me feel".  Even though I knew fatigue could be an issue, I planned to continue working through treatment and try to keep my life as normal as possible.  I did speak to my supervisor about being able to leave if I was too tired or simply take a day off as needed to rest.  I'm very fortunate to have a very understanding and cooperative boss who has given me the freedom to work when I can and take off when I need to.  However, I do not feel I have struggled with what I would consider to be extreme fatigue as I've read about online.  Many patients have described a tired feeling that leaves you feeling as if you simply cannot put one foot in front of another.  I felt this way BEFORE I began treatment from time to time.  One only has to go through my Facebook page to see how often I posted about being so very tired and going to bed at 7:30 pm. But I cannot say I've experienced this since being diagnosed.  I'm off work every Friday for treatments, but I have to drive two hours one way for treatment, so I still get up early (sometimes earlier than I would have to for work); and treatment days are longer than a typical work day.  So, the fact that I work four days a week as opposed to five isn't the reason.  I go to bed the same time as before I began treatment.  I sleep the same amount of time each time.  I do hope this trend continues as I would love to keep up with my busy schedule as I've done so far.

• Bone & Joint Pain:  Bone and joint pain was the one side effect I didn't think much about before treatment.  It's the side effect I glossed over when they were talking about it.  I feel like I'm in good shape,and I didn't feel I needed to worry about this.  Compared to other side effects, this seemed like the one that was not a big deal.  However, this is the one side effect I have experienced since my first treatment.  When they say bone and joint pain, that doesn't do the pain you feel justice.  It's not a simple cramp in your leg or an ache.  It's unlike any leg cramp or ache you've ever felt before.  It truly does hurt, and it goes on, and on, and on.  Is it unbearable?  No, but it is quite painful.  I have learned to not ignore it and try to just deal with it and take Tylenol or Ibuprofen when it first begins.  It does help!  I found a lot of information on the Internet about bone pain and it preventing patients from walking and requiring the needs for prescription pain medications.  While mine has hurt pretty bad, it has not prevented me from walking or made me feel I needed more than an over the counter pain medication.  I am quite stubborn about taking prescription pain medications anyway, so it would have to be pretty bad before I would even consider this.  

• Chemo Brain:  Chemo Brain, or forgetfulness, was another one I didn't take seriously.  And it seemed to pale in comparison to other side effects so I brushed it aside.  However, this mild annoyance is already making me feel as if my treatment is killing off my brain cells.  I find myself forgetting simple things.  I'm becoming more and more dependent on my calendar on my phone to keep track of things as I can't seem to keep things straight in my head.  More noticeable is my ability to spell things and stay focused.  I've always been task driven, and once I become focused on something, it's hard to get me away from it until it's complete.  Furthermore, I've always been a bit OCD when it comes to grammar and spelling.  I find myself making simple mistakes and I have to think about how to spell a word that should not require any type of thinking at all.  As in I likely learned how to spell it in the fourth grade.  It's not that I don't know how to spell it.  It's as if it's lost in a fog in my brain, and I have to wade through the fog to find the answer.  It's quite frustrating.  Especially for someone who's always been OCD about this type of stuff.  My advice on this is to power through it and refuse to give in.  Exercise your brain daily to keep the fog at a minimum.  

• Numbness, Tingling & Pain In Hands and Feet:  This one did catch my attention when it was discussed, and I was afraid I may experience this side effect.  I did not go to the doctor because I found a lump.  I was seeing my family physician because of numbness in my right hand in my pinky finger that kept reoccurring and would last regardless of how much I tried to "wake up" my hand.  It was determined my ulnar nerve was pinched; and I was going to need surgery to stop my hand from going to sleep.  While discussing the test results with my physician, she asked me if there was anything else I needed to speak to her about while I was there.  As a second thought, I asked her to take a look at a lump I had in my left breast--I was pretty sure it was a harmless cyst; but since I was there anyway (and I was due for my next mammogram), why not let her take a look and confirm it?  Because of the issue I had with my hand (which I have yet to fix--breast cancer took priority), I was concerned this would mean this was an issue I would face.  But I have not had a single problem with this.  My hand still goes numb as it did before I began treatment; but this is not related to my treatment.  This is one side effect I have read waited a few months to present itself so I'm hoping it doesn't present itself later in my treatment.  UPDATE:  I began having slight neuropathy in my hands after my sixth treatment.  It was intermittent and I didn't even recognize it for what it was at first.  I was looking for numbness, and for me; it presented itself as a very dry feeling in my hands.  As if they were chapped.  They burned and stung; but it wasn't the numbness I was expecting.  By dose 7, it has got a little worse, and I do recognize the slight numb feeling.  However, for me, it's more of a burning and stinging.  It IS painful; but I have found there are things that help.  I have found that carrying and gripping things tends to bring it on.  In essence, squeezing things.  Rather than grip the steering wheel, I'm learning to lighting hold it.  Carrying my purse or bags in my hands will quickly bring it about.  Let other's carry things, and carry your purse on your shoulder.  I really don't have advice on making it disappear once it pops up.  I rub my hands and use plenty of lotion.  This is simply because it feels better and not because it truly makes it go away though. 

• Mouth Pain & Mouth Sores:  This side effect was a big concern to me.  Sound silly?  Well, it may sound silly to some, but I openly admit I am a big baby when it comes to having sores in my mouth.  I had braces as a teenager then again as an adult, so I am no stranger to mouth sores.  I've had more than my fair share, and I hate them.  They affect my ability to talk, eat, drink, and drive me absolutely crazy.  And they seem to hurt no matter what you do to them.  So I asked about ways to avoid this as well as researching it on the Internet.  I found that taking very good care of your teeth and mouth are a first priority.  Check.  I'm a bit OCD about this (braces).  Also, the mouth sores are caused from dry mouth.  Chemo affects rapidly dividing cells in the body.  Your white blood count (fights infection), hair and saliva are the three main areas that rapidly divide in the body.  These are areas that NEED to rapidly divide.  Cancer tumors rapidly divide too.  They are just abnormal cells that rapidly divide rather than die off.  Yeah, that is the "Cancer for Dummies" version.  So this explains why you lose your hair, why cancer patients are more susceptible to illness, and why mouth sores.  From research as well as my deductive reasoning skills, I decided the best way to avoid mouth sores was to make sure my mouth never dried out.  If my body slows down in the formation of saliva, I would just have to help it along.  This meant drinking a lot of water as well as using mouth washes and toothpaste specifically for dry mouth.  Biotene is a great product that has toothpaste and mouthwash for dry mouth.  I began using it before my first treatment, and I have not had one issue with dry mouth.  Yay!  Let's pray this continues!

• Low White Blood Cell Count:  Your white blood count is your infection fighters.  When bacteria enters the body, your white blood cells attack it.  Often, your body is fighting bacteria and infections you never even know you have.  In other words, they are like these little mini ninjas that live in your body with a single purpose to kick anything's butt that means you harm.  When you get a cold or a flu, the ninjas were initially outnumbered and you "got sick".  But when you get better in a day or so, they rallied and came back to show the cold/flu who's boss.  Chemo lowers your white blood count (because this is a rapidly dividing cell).  These little ninjas sacrifice themselves daily fighting for you, and your WBC cannot rapidly divide as fast as it needs to.  This can lead to an infection or illness getting the best of you and your ninjas just can't do their job.  Each week before treatment, I have blood work; and my WBC is something that's tested each week.  Mine started out (before my first treatment) at 6.9, which is very good.  I already knew that--I was rarely sick!  I am proud to say my body maintained through my first three treatments, and my WBC changed very little.  However, on my fourth appointment, it did drop to 4.8.  I was angry at my body.  How dare it?  I expect it to continue to function as it always has--regardless of chemo treatment or not.  I know that's a bit unrealistic, but it's how I felt when I looked at my blood test results.  At any rate, 4.8 is still considered a good WBC.  I was given a flu shot this week as well, so I fear it will be a little lower as my body fights the flu virus that was injected into my body; but we shall see.

• Low Hemoglobin and Platelet Count:  Chemo can lower your hemoglobin, which can directly affect your energy levels.  Eating foods rich in iron and taking a daily multivitamin can help keep this within a normal range.  I take the Women's One A Day Multivitamin Gummies, and I've had no issues with this so ar, and my energy levels are fine.  My platelet counts are also within a good range and have not changed since I began treatment.  I am no doctor, and while I would love to say my body is just kick ass like that, I attribute this to the multivitamins.  I wish I had begun taking those BEFORE I got sick!

• Acne & Skin Changes:  This side effect was not elaborated on when I met with my doctors and nurses prior to treatment.  Nor did I see much in relation to this on the Internet.  But this is the one side effect that has made me absolutely crazy since this all began!  It's bad enough my hair has to fall out (to include my eyebrows and eyelashes), but I have to have acne worse than a teenager along with dry flakey skin as well?  Are you kidding me?  I can wear a wig, I can draw eyebrows on my face, and I can put false eyelashes on.  I can make myself look somewhat normal and hide the ravages of cancer; but no amount of makeup covers a bunch of zits all over my face.  We aren't talking a couple small zits.  We are talking about tons of zits that are big and hurt.  Not just your face but on your scalp, chest and back too.  It drove me absolutely insane!  I washed my face with every face wash I could get my hands on, nothing was helping.  However, I kept trying.  Honestly, I can't say for sure what cleared it up because I had used such a combination of products, I have no way of knowing which ones did the trick.  Before I was diagnosed, I was taking Solodyn (55 mg) daily for acne.  I THOUGHT I had issues with acne and was seeing a dermatologist to keep my face clear.  This was prescribed for the occasional zit I would get on my chin that would leave a scar.  I now know what I had before this disaster was nothing compared to this!  I had stopped taking this when I was diagnosed thinking it wasn't a necessity, and I should eliminate any medication I was taking that I didn't have to take. I now know this was a big mistake!  I began taking this again last weekend, and my face began clearing up about four days after I went back on it.  I also began washing my face with a  face wash my dermatologist had prescribed for clogged pores (I get it on my back during the summer).  Between the two, one or both of them did the trick.  Thank Goodness!  Also, I noticed my skin is much dryer than it had been prior to treatment.  Make sure you have good lotions at home, and lotion up after each shower.  I also put lotion on my legs at bedtime.  My legs and hands seem to be the worst.  Finally, the skin on my face is even dryer--even though it seemed to be full of zits. If you didn't use a good moisturizer before, start!  I have worked for too many years putting moisturizer on my face to combat wrinkles to let them take over now!  

• Taste Changes:  This is the side effect I was also dreading.  Everyone complained of this one.  Everything I read and everything I was told said food would no longer taste the same.  As a matter of fact, I was told nothing would really taste at all.  How are you supposed to eat if nothing has a taste?  I have had four treatments so far, and I'm happy to say my taste has not changed in the least.  I still enjoy all food as I always have.  I sure hope this continues as this is one side effect that would make it very difficult to stay healthy!

While talking to my Oncologist at my check-up on Friday, she was pleasantly surprised to find how few side effects I've had.  Everyone is.  No one believes me when I say I don't feel that bad.  At least not as bad as I expected I would feel.  Do I feel awesome?  No, but I do not feel awful either!  And the big question is "What are you doing to have such few side effects?".  The most honest answer is I do not know for sure.  I can speculate.  

My first thought is GOD IS GOOD.  I do not pretend to be superwoman with some secret to feeling amazing.  I do believe my God is watching over me and hears my prayers though.  Through faith and trust in God, I believe he is holding me up through this process.  Cancer is ugly; but God can use it to show he loves me and hasn't abandoned me.  This can break me down or strengthen my faith.  I choose the later.

The second thing that comes to mind that I feel I do differently than most people is I do NOT drink soda or tea.  I cut all soda from my diet about a year ago because of hormonal cysts in my breasts that were quite painful.  And they slowly went away when I stopped drinking all the caffeine.  Five years ago, I had a long period of experiencing reoccurring UTI's.  After extensive testing, they had no idea why I kept getting a UTI back, and no one seemed to be able to help me.  So I began drinking more water as a way to help myself.  And it worked.  I found the more water I drank, the less issues I had with them.  Only then did I realize I would drink 4-6 bottles of Mt. Dew a day and no water.  Seriously?  How healthy is that?  It's no wonder I had one UTI after another.  I am now thankful for all those UTI's because they are the reason I began drinking water.  

Do I like water?  No, I hate it.  That's why I never drank it.  But I found I did like the Strawberry Kiwi Propel Water.  That could break the bank pretty fast as they aren't cheap.  So I began shopping around in the drink mix section at the store.  I tried various brands and drink mix flavors until I found one I liked.  My particular favorite is the Great Value Brand (Wal-Mart)--the strawberry kiwi flavor.  A box of drink mix has individual packets.  One packet per bottle of water.  I buy bottles of water and tons of drink mix.  I literally wipe out all the boxes they have on the shelf of this flavor.  This seems to be the most popular flavor.  As long as I have drink mix on hand (I keep it on hand at home, in my car, and on my desk at work), I can drink tons of water per day.  In fact, it's nothing for me to drink an entire bottle of water in less than 5 minutes.  I do not count how many bottles of water I drink per day, but I promise it's way over 10 bottles.  

Why does water help?  Well, I did a little research; and your body needs fluids to flush out the toxins from the chemo.  The more water you drink, the faster your body can flush out the bad stuff.  A bonus to drinking a lot of water is the water protects your kidneys from the toxins in the chemo.  Without enough water (notice I said water and not fluids), the toxins sit in your kidneys and can cause kidney damage.  Your kidneys (and other organs) are working overtime to process the poison (chemo) that kills your cancer.  Help your kidneys out by giving it what it needs to get rid of the bad stuff, which is water.  Back to my reference about water vs fluids.  Many people think (myself included at one point) if they are putting liquid into their body, they are good--such as soda, tea, coffee, etc.  Have you ever noticed you can drink four bottles of soda and not really have to pee; but if you drink one bottle of water, you can't wait to go pee?  That's because your body uses water to flush out the kidneys 100%--this means 8 oz of water goes in, and 8 oz of water hydrates your body (then comes out).  When you drink a 16 oz bottle of soda, very little of this 16 oz is hydration your body can use or do anything with.  It has no nutritional value to your body, and it does not do your body any favors.  As a matter of fact, sodas and teas can dehydrate you rather than hydrate you.  So anyone out there struggling with hydration issues while going through chemo, think about what fluids you're putting into your body.  

I am not a doctor, but this makes perfect sense to me; and I know from experience how much better my body felt after I cut out the sodas and the teas.    So, the best advice I can give anyone looking for relief from side effects is to drink as much water as possible.  I don't know for a fact this is the reason I have felt so good so far, but I'm not willing to stop drinking water to find out either!  Good luck to anyone fighting this ridiculous disease.

Stay Strong!

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo Dose 4/12--Taxol & Oncologist Checkup

My Toughest Chemo Day So Far

I had my fourth dose of Taxol on Friday, November 8, 2013.  Not only did this mark another day of kicking cancer's butt; but it also marked the day in which so much hair fell out I couldn't avoid or hide it.  I had lost a decent amount of hair the day prior; but I was still able to fix my hair, and it wasn't obvious I was losing hair to an outsider.  As I lay in bed Thursday night thinking about my treatment the following day, I thought about how I had lost quite a bit of hair in the shower that morning.  This made me fear I would likely lose a lot of hair while showering the following morning.  I thought about what I would do if I lost so much I couldn't hide bald spots; and I decided I had my wigs ready to go, and I would simply cut off what hair I had left so I could wear my wig if it came to that.

I awoke Friday morning; and the first thing I did was feel my hair.  One touch revealed a decent amount of hair without even trying.  I decided maybe a bath was a better idea than a shower.  Perhaps the water hitting my head from the shower head wasn't a good idea?  I lay in the bath and tried to be gentle with my hair as I shampooed it.  As I brought my hands down from my head, I realized my hands were full of hair.  I told myself perhaps that was the worst of it, and lay down to rinse my hair.  When I sat up, I realized the water was absolutely full of hair.  It was floating all around me and sticking to my skin.  I was covered in hair.  I put some conditioner in my hair and began draining the tub.  As the water was draining, I quickly shaved my legs.  Ironically, no hair was falling out there.  In fact, it was still growing like mad.  Go figure.

After washing, I turned the shower on and rinsed all the hair toward the drain.  I collected all the hair from the bottom of the shower in a pile on the side of the tub.  It was quite a large pile.  I still held onto hope it wasn't as bad as it looked.  I washed my body and gently rinsed my hair with the shower.  And rinsed all the hair from my body that was stuck to me.  Which meant cleaning the tub yet again.  The pile of hair grew larger.  After drying off, I walked into my bedroom saying a prayer of thanks my husband was at work and my 15 year old daughter was still sleeping.  She was going to my treatment appointment with me, and she didn't have to get up quite yet.  I wasn't sure what was ahead of me over the next hour, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I didn't want anyone else to have to endure it.  I would face it alone.

I sat in front of my vanity, and I looked in the mirror at my hair.  It didn't look good.  It looked pretty sparse.  I sprayed some leave in conditioner in my hair, then I gently tried to use a wide tooth comb to rid it of any tangles.  More hair came out.  After combing it out, I realized my part was very thin.  In fact, parts of my part couldn't be called a part.  Rather, my hairline was farther back in that area, and I had visible patches of hair missing in areas.  I realized there was no way I could fix my hair without further loosing even more than I already had and it look passable.  My goal since day one has been to stay looking and feeling healthy.  I do not want pity or to look like a cancer patient. If I tried to go out in public with my hair as it was, it was going to be obvious I was a cancer patient.  Without thinking twice, I walked downstairs to the kitchen to get the scissors.

I sat down in front of my vanity and thought about what I was about to do.  I told myself "you can do this".  Tears were already streaming down my face.  But I knew I had no choice.  I was afraid I would cut a few strands and not be able to follow through so I picked up a chunk of hair in the front--an area that would mean no turning back; and I cut it against my scalp.  I threw it in my garbage can and just kept picking up one chunk of hair after another and cutting it.  As hard as I tried not to cry, the tears continued to flow.  I had to stop cutting at one point to wipe off my face so I could see.  I'm not sure I had ever cried so hard in my entire life.  After about ten minutes, the majority of my hair was cut off.  I had tufts of hair on my head about 1/2 inch long.  It wasn't a cut for style or beauty.  It was for a purpose--so I could wear my wig.  I hated what I saw in the mirror.  I felt ugly and for the firs time since my diagnosis, I saw a cancer patient.  I cried a few more tears and sobbed "I hate you cancer".  After a moment, I told myself "it's time to get ready and get it together.  Your daughter is in there and she can't see you this upset".  I washed my face and sat down to do my makeup.

As I did my makeup, I slowly began to see MY face.  I looked only at my face and not my hair/head, and I realized it was still me.  I began to feel a little better and that I could do this.  I put a night cap on my head to cover my hair.  I had been wearing it to bed for a week trying to keep my hair from coming out on my pillow so I knew my daughter wouldn't question why I had it on.  I woke her up, and she didn't notice a thing.  I was finishing my makeup when my daughter walked into my room.  She saw the look on my face and knew something was wrong.  I told her "I had to cut off my hair this morning babe.  Too much came out in the shower to save it".  She looked so sad and immediately hugged me.  She kept saying "It's okay mommy.  You're still beautiful.  Why didn't you wake me up?  I would have helped you".  She pulled my cap off and picked up the scissors.  She trimmed up some pieces I had missed in the back.  My baby girl was now taking care of me as I had for her so many times.  I sat there with tears once again streaming down my face--messing up my makeup.  After a moment, I again pulled myself together and said "Well, which wig am I wearing today?".

I settled on the shorter of the two as it felt less cumbersome.  It took me a few moments to get it it adjusted to my head, get the hair parted where I felt comfortable, and just get it to look as normal as possible.  If I didn't know, I wouldn't know it was a wig on someone else.  I hoped no one else would know either.  After only a few moments, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy the feel of a wig on my head.  It was annoying and itchy.  I hope it's like a bra--after you get used to wearing it, you don't notice it's there anymore.  The photo above is me with my wig.

My older daughter, Autumn, drove me to my treatment along with my younger daughter.  We had plans to go to the mall after treatment and spend some time together.  I also had a checkup with my Oncologist today.  I had been looking forward to this appointment since I felt my tumor was shrinking quickly, and I was excited for her to comment on how quickly it was responding to treatment.  Now the appointment had lost most of it's appeal; but I tried to keep my head up.  I arrived for my appointment, and they took me to the blood draw area before my appointment with my oncologist.  Upon walking into the blood draw area, I immediately knew it wasn't going to be an easy day as the girl working in the lab was the same girl from my first appointment who had stuck me twice and wasn't able to start my IV.  I told myself not to judge her and maybe she was just having a bad day that day.  Unfortunately, she again stuck me twice and couldn't get the IV started.  Not because my veins are difficult but because she simply is NOT good at starting an IV.  I asked her not to try again and to please call someone else.  I felt guilty, but I could not let her keep sticking me for nothing.  No one had ever had problems starting an IV on me!

Abigail came over from the Infusion again (My chemo nurse), and laughed saying "Teresa?  She's the easiest patient I've ever put an IV In--she drinks tons of water!".  Abigail started my IV on the first try, and I barely felt a thing.  She later told me to insist that my IV be started in the Infusion area each time to avoid this in the future as the chemo nurses have a lot more experience starting an IV.  I then moved on to a room to see my oncologist.  My doctor examined me, and agreed the tumor was smaller and softer; and I was responding well to treatment.  She was pleasantly surprised I had not experienced any nausea, issues with my taste buds, numbness or tingling in my hands or feet, and issues with tiredness.  I wonder why I seem to have none of the issues others have (other than my hair falling out), and I can only say God is clearly watching out for me.  I have felt tired, my legs ache, and a few other things; but I've never felt it was unbearable.  The tiredness was something I had been dealing with for so long I actually felt more rested since I began treatment than I did before I knew I was sick.  Have I pushed myself for so long I don't even know when I feel bad anymore?

After my checkup, I headed over to the infusion area where I was taken into my Chemo Suite.  This time I was given a room with a bed rather than an infusion chair.  This did not sit well with me.  I felt the rooms with beds were for those who were sick and needed them.  I was not sick and did not need nor did I want a bed.  I even asked for a room with a chair.  All the rooms with chairs were taken.  I was truly bummed I was being given a bed.  It felt like I was giving in to being sick.  I didn't want it.  I grumbled and complained; but I got in the bed trying not to be a pain in the butt.  My daughters sat next to me for the photo taken above.  I received a copy of my blood work.  My white blood count had dropped from 6.8 to 4.9.  While this was still considered good and within the average range, I was annoyed with my body for letting it drop at all.  I suppose I am a bit of an over achiever.  I can't simply settle for doing okay--I want to be the best.  I want to be the best patient, with the least amount of side effects, with the best outcome, the best prognosis, the best blood counts, etc.  I have no idea why I am this way. I was truly disappointed to see my results had dropped rather than be happy that while they had dropped, they were still good; and may patients would love to have the counts I had.  I really need to learn to stop expecting so much I guess.  My treatment began, and my daughters and I watched funny Vines and videos.  We laughed enjoyed our time together.  Trying to forget that while we were laughing poison was being pumped into my veins.  Trying to forget I was now practically bald and wearing a wig.

Before we knew it, it was time to leave.  We hurried out of the clinic and headed toward the mall.  We were all very hungry!  We enjoyed some good food, good laughs, and some quality time walking around the mall.  We laughed, we talked, and we enjoyed being with one another and doing what mothers and daughters do.  We all forgot about cancer for a few hours.  When I got home, I faced having to take my wig off.  Trust me--it was annoying me so badly I was looking forward to it.  Yet I was dreading removing it.  That meant everyone in my home had to see me with very little hair.  It meant I had to see my husband looking worse than I ever had since we met not quite four years ago.  No wife wants her husband to see her at her worst.  And certainly not in such a new marriage.  Yet I had no choice.  He wasn't home when I arrived home, and I was thankful.  He was at the school with his kids.  I took advantage of the time to wash my face and get ready for bed.  Then I put on my night cap to cover my head.  I was in bed when he arrived home.  He walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed next to me.  I couldn't look at him.  I didn't want him to see me.  He talked to me for a few moments.  Chastising me for cutting off my hair without him.  I explained I had no choice and had to do what was necessary.  I then realized he was wearing a toboggan on his head.  He never wore a toboggan.  He pulled it off to reveal that he too had shaved his head.  He had asked me several times to remove my cap, but I had refused insisting I was ugly.  Finally, I removed it and he convinced me I did not look ugly.  But I certainly was no beautician.  I laughed and said "well, I wasn't going for perfection.  It simply had a purpose".  We then went to the bathroom, and he used the clippers to even up my remaining hair.  This left me with a very fine buzz cut.

I am currently one day out from treatment, and I feel fine.  I felt a little "off" this morning; but I was given a flu shot yesterday while at treatment, so I'm contributing the strange feeling to that rather than my treatment.  I stopped getting flu shots two years ago since they always made me feel sick, and I normally got sick more that particular winter than others in which I didn't get a shot.  I got a manicure and pedicure today, then I went to the grocery store--normal routines for me.  It felt good to do something that was part of my life prior to cancer.

I feel this particular blog is the hardest I've had to write so far.  I've tried to keep all my blogs as upbeat and as positive as possible.  However, it wasn't easy to keep this one upbeat.  The past two days have been very hard for me.  I know it's only hair, and I have much tougher times ahead of me; but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.  It doesn't make looking in the mirror any easier.  Cancer sucks--it steals so much from a life.  It simply isn't fair that the treatment that saves our lives can also cause such devastating side effects.  It wrecks havoc on our bodies in so many ways.  It reduces our immune system to nothing where a simple cold poses a threat, it causes bone pain that is indescribable, it can cause numbness and tingling in the hands and feet that can stick around for the rest of your life, it can damage other organs in your body, etc.  The list is endless.  But one of the worst side effects you can see is what it does to your appearance.  Fighting cancer is tough; but facing cancer is just as tough.  You face cancer each time you look in the mirror and see how it has affected your body and your appearance.  As hard as this has been, I will face cancer.  I will fight cancer, and I will face cancer.  Not just because I have no choice; but also because I refuse to let it beat me.  Cancer may have knocked me down, but I will stand back up.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Kick A$$ & Take Names.....At The Gym

Working Out Cancer

Me and my daughter, Makya, at the gym last night.  

  ..............................................................................

About seven years ago, I began running.  It began as an escape when my previous marriage started having issues.  It was a way for me to clear my head and think.   Running was an outlet for me to work out frustrations.  My health wasn't my goal at the time.  It was truly an escape.  But the more I did it, the more I discovered I actually enjoyed it.  I enjoyed pushing myself to run a little farther and a little longer each day.  Each time I added more distance, I wondered if I could go a little farther the next time.  It felt  good to sweat.  As strange as it may sound, I enjoyed getting back to my house as sweaty and gross as possible.  The more I would sweat, the more frustration I was able to get rid of.

Running became a passion of mine before I knew it.  I continued running through and after my divorce.  It was no longer just an outlet for me; but I began to realize how much better I felt.  I had more energy, and my body was more toned.  I wasn't trying to lose weight, but I had; and for the first time in my life, in all the right places.  I then began going to the gym in addition to running.  I have a hard time running outside in the cold weather, so the gym provided a nice place for me to run on the treadmill when running outside wasn't possible.  In addition to the treadmill, I began adding squats, crunches, and weight lifting to my routine.  I noticed my arms started looking more toned and I had muscle definition for the first time in my life.  I'm naturally very small and thin, so my arms had always lacked definition and was pretty tiny.  I didn't want bulging muscles; but I did want definition.

I was in the best shape of my life June 2013--just three months before I discovered I had breast cancer.  I didn't get breast cancer in September--it had been there for a while, so this meant I was exercising and keeping up my normal routine of life while my body was busy trying to fight cancer.  I had no idea--I felt perfectly fine.  After my sentinal node biopsy in September, I was told no running, no gym, and no working out at all.  I couldn't risk preventing the void under my arm from healing and postponing my chemo.  I went almost three weeks without working out or running.  I had never sat on my butt so much in my entire life, and it was driving me crazy.  My legs were aching constantly from lack of exercise--my body was accustomed to working out.

Two weeks ago, my doctor gave me permission to start running again as well as limited time in the gym.  I am not allowed to lift weights yet, but at this point, I will take what I can get.  I cannot run as far as I was running in June; but I will get it back quickly.  My first time back in the gym last week felt so good.  As I was working out, I thought to myself "I am pushing my body and working out, and I do not feel or look sick--how can I have cancer?"  This made me think back to all the working out I've done over the past nine months, and it dawned on me I likely had cancer a majority of that time; yet I never once felt sick--even while pushing my body to the limit.

I then started thinking about why I felt so healthy even while my body was clearly fighting a deadly disease.  All that running that began as an outlet for frustration may, in fact, be a very good reason why I am handling my chemo so well.  I plan to continue working out and running as much as I can during my treatment.  I believe it's good for my body to remain strong and in shape while I'm fighting this disease.  I realize I won't be able to push myself as much as I used to, and sometimes, I may simply be too tired to go to the gym; but I have every intention of keeping up my workout routine.  I'm asking my body to fight a disease that is deadly.  The least I can do for it is to stay in shape and take care of it.

For those reading this who are also fighting breast cancer, I highly recommend continuing to work out if you did before you were diagnosed.  If you didn't, please consider a low impact routine approved by your physician.  For those who are not fighting cancer and just reading this, please consider starting a routine.  It doesn't have to be running like I chose.  Choose whatever works for you.  You never know what your future may hold and what your body may need to fight off.  A decision to become healthy now may impact your ability to fight in the future.  I had no idea my decision seven years ago would help me so much in my fight now; but I know, without a doubt, it is.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.