Body Image, Self Confidence, and Intimacy

I normally blog twice per week.  Once after each chemo session to provide an update on my treatment and another about a topic that has been on my mind or comes to my attention during that week.  It's been a week since my last treatment, and I have not posted an additional blog since then.  Not because I haven't wanted to.  But because I have been trying to allow the topic to come to me naturally rather than it be a forced topic.  I find I'm able to write more freely when the topic is near and dear to me rather than something to just write about for the sake of writing.

Which brings me to today's topic.  I want to talk about self confidence, body image, intimacy and breast cancer.  Yeah, this is a tough topic, and I'm putting it all out there for the world to see.  My personal feelings and my personal, intimate life stripped bare for everyone to read and know about.  To me, it's not much different than standing naked in a crowd.  Most people keep their intimate or private life, well, private.  However, in order for me to ensure I talk about the topics that truly affect someone with cancer, I cannot keep a topic such as this private and not talk about it.  If I don't discuss it, there are many people who are reading my blog who are looking for guidance or reassurance I am doing a disservice to.  How do I know this?  Because I myself have read many blogs and websites since I found out I have cancer, and this topic is skimmed over or not discussed at all.  I understand why.  It's a tough topic to discuss without offending your partner.  Therefore, from the start, I want to state up front I am not speaking badly of my husband or pointing fingers about things I feel he is or is not doing right.  I am simply stating how I feel inside on this subject.  Just because I feel a particular way doesn't reflect on anyone else.  Often times, how we feel inside is a reflection of our own insecurities.

Prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel my level of self confidence was average or above average.  I felt sexy, attractive, and I was confident in my own skin.  I could confidently put on a bikini and not be ashamed of my body.  In fact, I was proud of how I looked considering my age and having three children.  While I did not believe I was the most attractive woman around, I felt good about myself and my appearance.  I never worried about keeping my husband's attention, if he was looking at other women, or if he would be tempted to cheat.  I would wear sexy lingerie or parade around the bedroom in a sexy bra with matching panties without a second thought and feel 100% like a confident woman.  I was comfortable with and without clothing.  I felt like a woman--an attractive, sexy, desirable woman.  My husband never hesitated to show affection or his desire for me, and I never hesitated to confidently flaunt myself to him.

One word changed all of that--cancer.  Am I still the same woman I was before I knew?  Yes, I am the same exact person I was prior to that fateful diagnosis.  On the outside, my body is still exactly the same.  But on the inside, everything has changed.  We've all heard the cliche saying that being sexy is largely a state of mind.  If you FEEL sexy, people will pick up on that and perceive you as sexy.  I can say with 100% certainty this is true.  A runway model does not shyly walk down the runway with her eyes cast downward thinking she is fat and ugly.  She struts down the runway as if she's the hottest woman in the room making eye contact with an air of sexiness that cannot be denied.  Her attitude and demeanor is what people see before they actually look at her as a person.  Hearing the word cancer changed how I view myself to such a large degree it turned my world upside down.  Up became down and down became up.

Since my diagnosis, my life has been consumed with one appointment after another.  Especially the first three weeks.  My focus is making sure I don't miss a single appointment, treatment plans, and saving my life.  I've had two large biopsies--one on each breast, which each left a small scar on my breast.  Additionally, I've had a sentinal node biopsy under my left arm, which resulted in the removal of 15 lymph nodes.  The scar beneath my arm is about 1.5 inches long, so it left a rather large scar.  My arm aches as well as my armpit, and the side of my breast on that side.   My tumor was over 5 cm and in the 12 O'clock position and visibly obvious.  After the biopsies, both of my breasts were bruised and discolored.  The bruises remain where the tumor is located.  Every time I look in the mirror when I do not have on clothes, I see bruises, scars, and tumors.  I do not see my body any longer.  I see cancer.  When I look at my breast, I want to look at them the way I used to.  To wear a shirt that shows of cleavage and makes me feel like a woman, but each time I try to force myself, I find myself wearing a scarf or something to cover them.  They feel ugly now although in reality they haven't changed.  In fact, they look better than they did in August because the tumor is no longer visible to the naked eye, and it can barely be felt.  Being diagnosed with breast cancer has severely altered my self confidence and how I view my body.

In addition to the many changes in how I view my body, I've also had to deal with the loss of my hair.  While this may not seem like a big deal to many, I can assure you it plays a very big part in your appearance and your self confidence.  It is very difficult to feel sexy with a bald head, missing eyebrows and thinning eyelashes.  I can put on makeup and hide the fact that my eyebrows are missing and make myself look exactly the same as I did before.  I can wear a wig while out in public that looks very much like my real hair.  Most people don't know I'm wearing a wig unless I tell them.  But at the end of the day, I have to take the wig off (it's itchy, and I often can't wait to take it off), and I have to wash off the makeup.  Then I have to face myself in the mirror.  Women have a hard time letting the person they care about see them without makeup or first thing in the morning because it's who you really are without hiding behind makeup and perfectly styled hair.  However, when you are missing the hair, it's even more difficult.  I have to face this side of myself every time I come home.  It's what my husband sees every evening.  Not the person everyone sees at work or at a basketball game.  They see the person I used to be.  The person I miss so very much.  When I'm fixed up, I feel normal; but the minute I come home and take off my mask of makeup and remove my wig, I look in the mirror, and I have to face all over again my true appearance.

When a woman doesn't feel sexy, it affects every part of her intimate life.  I suppose I shouldn't say "when a woman" because I cannot speak for all women; but I can personally say my sexual desire is directly related to my self confidence and body image.  This brings me to the topic of sex.  This is a very difficult topic to discuss.  First because I do not not to hurt my husband, but also because I do not want to embarrass my children.  I will attempt to discuss this topic while maintaining a sense of being thoughtful to those around me while still doing the topic justice.  To anyone I may offend, I apologize; but I ask that you remember this is MY blog, my thoughts, and my feelings.

Since I no longer feel sexy, I know I do not ACT sexy.  One may ask, how does a person act sexy?  It's difficult to explain as it's more of a feeling than an act.  Just as the model can walk down the runway with an air of confidence making everyone feel she's sexy (even if she's wearing the ugliest clothing item available), a woman in a relationship acts sexy or sends off those signals that make her partner approach her for intimacy.  It's that sense of feeling and being desirable.  It's a look, a smile, and a feeling.  Without realizing it, she sends signals to her partner she desires intimacy, and her partner reciprocates.  When a diagnoses affects one's confidence as I feel I have experienced, it directly affects her intimate life as well.  Which in turn causes her partner to cease attempts at intimacy.  As difficult as it is to be the one with cancer, it's also very difficult for the person who is the spouse or partner of the cancer patient.  They must somehow know all the right things to say, all the right times to say them, when to approach their partner for intimacy without seeming insensitive or thoughtless and when to simply hold them without wanting intimacy.

Since my diagnosis, I have often felt very alone.  Not because I'm alone.  I have many people in my life who love me and have been there for me.  But because of how I feel inside.  I have experienced a death in my life.  The death of my self confidence and my former self.  I liked who I was, so letting go of it and accepting a new me isn't easy.  Not only do I miss my former life, I am forced to accept a new one I did not choose.  One that has taken away part of my identity and left me feeling as if I don't know who I am anymore.  It has also left me feeling very alone in my marriage.  I no longer feel like a sexy, desirable woman whose husband finds her attractive and desirable.  I often find myself going to bed before my husband, which means I'm asleep when he comes to bed.  I get tired early.  It's often difficult for me to stay up as late as he wants to.  My body often aches and hurts from the chemotherapy.  After working all day, I often cannot wait to get home and curl up on the couch or in bed.  I sit on the couch and try to watch television with my family; but I find myself falling asleep and wanting to be in bed where I can simply fall asleep and forget this breast cancer nightmare.  I awake in the middle of the night or the following morning to find myself still alone in bed.  My husband fell asleep on the couch watching television.  Or if he came to bed, I don't remember it because I was already asleep.  I find myself thinking back to our life before cancer.  We always went to bed together.  We would always lay in bed and talk and cuddle, which often led to more.  Now we often lay in bed saying nothing and barely touching.  I hate cancer for all the negative things it has brought into my life, but I hate how it's made me feel in my marriage.  I want my husband to want me.  I want him to show me he still desires me, so I say nothing.  I feel this is a normal reaction.  No one wants to ask to be wanted.  If you have to ask, it doesn't feel real.  I realize my husband is dealing with his own set of issues related to my illness; and I try very hard to be sensitive to this.   I feel this too shall pass.  I know it's a very common issue in a marriage when dealing with a life threatening illness.  The best advice I can give anyone who is reading who is in the supportive role of someone facing an illness such as breast cancer is to reassure them daily how much you love them.  Not only with words; but with your actions as well.  Telling them you still find them attractive, beautiful and sexy isn't enough.  You have to show them as well.  This means making sure you are keeping up the same routines and actions you had prior to the illness.  There is a fine line between wanting sex at inappropriate times in a relationship and wanting intimacy with your partner because it's an emotional connection between two people unlike any other that can make your partner feel your love for them.  Words are important; but so are actions.

Finally, I am facing losing my breasts.  I will have a complete mastectomy in or around April 2014.  The idea of how this will additionally affect my self confidence is almost more than I can comprehend.  I try to enjoy what time I have left with my breast (as silly as that may sound); but it's difficult.  Yes, I will get reconstruction, but that's a slow process as I have to have radiation in between the mastectomy and reconstruction.  Reconstruction isn't like going in to get implants where you leave the hospital with perky new boobs.  It's a slow, gradual process.  Painstakingly slow.  And a mastectomy means the complete loss of your nipples.  Even with reconstruction, they will always be a butchered shadow of their former self.

Having said all of this, I realize these are all measures I must take to save my life.  And I do them ALL willingly so I may continue to be a mother to my children and watch them grow up.  To someday enjoy grandchildren.  I realize I am blessed to have these options available to me so as to give me hope for a longer life.  And I am grateful to God for the knowledge he has given my physicians so I have hope.  But it doesn't make any of this any easier.  It doesn't make looking in the mirror and feeling good about myself any easier.  I hate feeling self conscious and insecure.  It's not a feeling I'm accustomed to feeling.  Lack of self confidence is foreign to me.  However, I know over time I will build up my self confidence in a way that isn't dependent on my appearance.  I feel we all have a purpose in life--something we are destined to learn.  Perhaps mine is the ability to be self confident without relying on my image or appearance.  Because I know I have no choice, I WILL attain this.  And I do hope someone out there reading this can identify with this post.  I hope they will not feel alone simply knowing someone else too felt this way at one point.

God Bless and much love.

Fight and be fierce

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