The Breast Cancer Sorority & Welcoming & New Year

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was approached by many women who are survivors or currently in the midst of their treatment.  These women reached out to me and provided the must needed support I was looking for.  They were like a gasp of air when you're drowning.  I was drowning in a cancer diagnosis, and they held out their hand and offered to help pull me above it.  I do not believe these women looked at themselves as a life saver, but that's exactly what they were.

After my initial diagnosis, I couldn't get the word cancer out of my head.  It echoed in my brain like someone had put it on repeat to taunt me.  I couldn't find freedom from it in my sleep as it haunted my dreams as well.  I had nightmares of trying to live a lifetime in the next five years.  Why five?  Because everything I read online said a re-occurance typically happens within the first five years.  To further encourage my fears, my Aunt (my mom's sister) had Triple Negative breast cancer in 2008.  She went through chemo and a mastectomy, and she was considered a survivor.  Unfortunately, the cancer came back in 2013 throughout her entire body.  She passed away after only a few months of being told it was back.  I was unable to attend her funeral in early September because I was laying on a table in the Stefanie Speilman Center at the exact same time getting a biopsy on a massive tumor of my own.  My Aunt hadn't beat the five year mark, so I felt doomed to the same fate.  I found myself obsessed with every stage of my Aunt's cancer, what treatments she had chosen, how advanced her cancer was, etc.  I was looking for anything and everything to prove to myself my case was not like hers so I could prove to myself my fate would not also be like hers.  All the while, I had breast cancer sister after sister contacting me and encouraging me to stay strong and fight.  Not to compare myself to other women and focus on the fight I had ahead of me.  I heard over and over "Being a breast cancer sister is the one sorority no one wants to join, but it's one you will never want to be without again".  I didn't understand this statement at the time; but I do now.

Over the past five months, I have slowly accepted "I have breast cancer".  I have accepted the path ahead of me as my own and one I must travel.  It is not one I would have chosen for myself, but I must do it nonetheless.  I have had to face myself and the decisions I've made in my life with an entirely new perspective and outlook on life.  Some I liked, and others I was ashamed.  Being told you have cancer has a way of making you turn yourself inside out and face who you are.  Suddenly, what's on the outside isn't what matters.  It's what's on the inside.  I have always looked at that as one of those cliche sayings everyone repeats but never really means.  This is partially true as I never truly appreciated it until I was told I had cancer.  I simply couldn't understand it with the clarity I now have.  With the acceptance of having breast cancer, I have made some very good friends who also have breast cancer.  These women are strong, resilient, and they possess an ability to truly understand every thought and emotion inside me.  They don't just tolerate certain feelings or emotions I may have.  They are also living it.

We've all heard the saying "misery loves company".  While this somewhat applies, I do not feel this is the reason these women have become so important to me.  It's a support system unlike anything you will ever experience any other way.  I have many friends who have supported me through my treatments thus far.  They have been my rock, and they have been there for me without question.  They listen and hear me cry; and they often don't always have the answers.  And that's okay!  None of us do. But they can't truly relate to what I'm feeling because they have not and are not living it.  This is where the breast cancer sisterhood comes into play.  The women I have met truly understand what I'm feeling and talking about because they are living it as well.  They don't have to try to understand you.  It just makes sense to them.  I have one sister in particular I have formed a close bond with.  We have many things in common, and we are very much the same type of person.  We often think to message one another at the same times, and we find encouragement in the fact that we can simply state how we are feeling that day, and the other always replies with "Yes, I feel like that too--it's so good to know I'm not crazy for thinking that".  Yes, these are two people sharing in the same misery; but it's more than that.  It's two people sharing in sadness and grief, but also building one another up and supporting one another in spite of the ugliness.

Having said all of this, I sit here typing this on the final day of 2013.  I've read all the posts about saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming 2014.  I, like everyone else, have many things from 2013 I am happy to put behind me, and I'm looking forward to a new year and hoping it holds more positives than negatives.  However, I'm going to take the opposite approach for a moment and state all the reason why in spite of breast cancer, 2013 was a good year to me.  My critics out there may look at this as being fake and "too positive"; but I do not type this blog for them.  I type this for me; and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that sometimes simply putting the positive into black and white on a screen, It makes things clearer.  Suddenly, not only am I typing it, but I believe it.  It's my survival technique.

I brought in 2013 with my children and family.  The evening was full of laughter at my sister's house playing games with the kids, sharing good food, and simply welcoming a new year with the people who mean the most to me.  Watching my children play Twister and laugh made me smile.  My children chose alcohol free and family over parties with other teenagers and being drunk.  That in itself was a reason to smile and be proud.  They were not sulking because they would rather be someplace else.  They were content and happy to be right where they were.  Thank you God for giving my children the good sense I was not always granted.

I have lived in my home for over four years.  I rented for the first few years as I was not in a position to purchase the home.  We were finally able to purchase our home shortly after the new year began.  Having been a home owner my entire life, it was quite an accomplishment to again own my home rather than rent.  That aside, thank you God for bringing me to Charlie and Sandra Cobb, the owners of this home prior to my buying it.  They took me in as more of a daughter than a tenant renting a home they owned.  They opened this home and their hearts to me at a time in my life when I needed it most.

2013 has brought many changes in my job.  I've held my position with Ohio University for 15 years, so there are times I feel I could do it in my sleep; but it has been evolving and changing greatly over the past year.  These changes are offering an opportunity for growth and development as well as allowing me to think outside the box, which is what I have wanted for quite some time.  I thank you God for my job and those I work with.  The support I have received from my work family has been second to none.  Many other employees have taken extra work upon themselves since my diagnosis so I am not stressed out or worried about my job.  I am truly blessed to have such a good job to provide for my family.

While I complain often about my car, I am truly blessed to have a reliable and NICE car.  My car is only a few years old, yet I often complain about it.  I don't like the color, wish I had got something different, etc.  But, in the grand scheme of things, my complaints about my car are trivial; and I'm being very ungrateful not to be thankful for what I have.  So, thank you God for a reliable car to get me to all these appointments safely and without worry.  (Can we make the payment smaller though?)  =)

2013 has taught me to be appreciative of the things I take for granted.  This one may shock a few people as I am aware not many people have good things to say about their ex-husbands.  But I have come to realize having an ex doesn't mean you have to have an enemy.  I am thankful for my ex husband and the measures him and his wife have taken to do what they can to help me since my diagnosis.  My doctor appointments have interfered with my ability to take my daughter to school and obligations a few times, and my ex has, without complaint, has taken care of things so I could get to my appointment.  I am thankful for our ability to work together for our children.

I have always been thankful for my children, and I have always been very aware of how blessed I am to have them in my life.  This year in particular, I have come to realize how strong, determined, and loving my children are.  Life has taught all of us some tough lessons, but my children have grown and become stronger because of those lessons.  Since my diagnosis, I have watched my children struggle to remain positive in the face of fear and negativity, become more determined, and finally, I have watched them stand strong and support me in spite of their own fears.  Each and every one of them have listened to me when I needed it, have hugged me when I needed to cry, and they have never let me down when it came to needing them for appointments.  They have rearranged their plans and never once with a complaint.  Thank you God for what my children have become and what they are yet to become.

I have truly learned how valuable my friends are their loyalty.  My friends have shown unwavering love, and I am thankful God has shown me the true meaning of friendship and love.  Cancer has taught me many lessons in a very short period of time; and this is one of them.

I took a small trip with each of my children this past summer.  They are all growing up, and it's impossible to find one thing to do with each of them that makes everyone happy.  As much as I love spending time with all of them together, I had a strong desire to spend some one on one time with each of them this past summer.  I thank God daily for the opportunity I was given to do this as I think about those times with my children often when I'm having a tough day.  Nothing compares to the ability to simply talk one on one to your child and catch up with each other's lives.

Finally, I am thankful for my team of doctors and nurses who are taking care of me during this difficult time in my life.  I have one doctor in particular who drops what she's doing and hugs me every time she sees me.  She doesn't look at me as a patient but as a person.  She listens to my concerns and takes me seriously.  That in and of itself makes this more bearable.  I cannot change the fact that I have cancer and must face a tough road ahead; but I can be thankful for the good things in my life.  2014, like 2013 will involve cancer.  I know there will be difficult days ahead, and there may be days in 2014 that are tougher than any I faced in 2013; but I also know they will be followed by something good.  I only have to be patient and wait for the bad day to pass so the good day can arrive.

Have a safe and happy new year.  May you have many blessings in 2014.