Support--Put Your Listening Ears On

Providing Support Doesn't Always Mean Talking

A pet can't say a word to us, yet they have the ability to show us unconditional love and support.  We can learn so much from our pets!

Remember when you were in grade school and your teacher would tell you "It's time to quiet our voices and put our listening ears on"?  Remember the kid who never shut up, listened or seemed to hear anything the teacher was saying no matter how many times they were asked to be quiet and listen?  That kid never put their listening ears on, and that kid eventually becomes an adult who still doesn't know how to be quiet and listen.  To listen with their heart and not just their ears.  Today, I want to talk about the value of being a listener rather than a talker when providing support for a loved one.  Not just someone who is facing breast cancer or some other life threatening illness; but everyone can benefit from this.  If they would only listen......

While this can apply to anyone at any stage of their life, I obviously am touching on this subject because of how it's affected me since I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  However, looking back over my life, I can certainly see where I could apply this to many aspects of my life.  How I too could benefit from listening more and talking a lot less. 

When someone needs helps, most of us are more than willing to lend a helping hand.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  However, the emotional side is the toughest.  It's easy to show up and help someone for a few hours.  It's a lot tougher to be there for them on a regular basis and support them from the emotional side.  That truly takes effort and dedication.   Which brings me to the question of "what is the definition of emotional support"?  This definition likely varies based on who you are asking.  Their gender, personality, beliefs, upbringing, and even age can affect how someone will answer this question.  For example, the answer I would have provided ten years ago versus the answer I would give today are two very different answers.  While I have a lot left to learn in this life, I feel I have not only witnessed the proverbial light bulb being turned on, but the wattage of the bulb has been amplified quite a bit.  This blog is a result of one of those light bulb moments. 

Since I have been diagnosed, I have been so very blessed with a large support system consisting of family, friends, co-workers, and community members.  Those who see me every day and on a regular basis have truly had to deal with the effects my diagnosis has had on me.  Regardless of how hard I try not to allow it to change or affect me, it does; and those closest to me see the effects.  My stubbornness and desire to be strong is what makes it possible for me stand strong and fight this disease with a determination unlike anything I've ever had to face before.  However, this is also my catalyst for disappointment and ultimately feeling alone inside myself.  I do such a good job being strong and powering through every challenge that's thrown my way, people start assuming I do not need support and forget what I'm possibly hiding from the outside world. That I'm not as strong as I let on. 

On the outside, I am facing my treatment and an impending mastectomy head on with strength and a desire to keep smiling.  On the inside, I'm terrified.  I find myself not talking about my fears and my deepest feelings for fear I will no longer appear so strong and capable.  However, the few times I have attempted to share my fears and feelings, I've been met with responses and statements that while meant well, have not provided the support intended.  Perhaps this will sound ungrateful to some; but please keep an open mind and continue to read.  You just might have a light bulb moment soon.

I have found people generally do not know what to say in times of trouble when faced with life and death situations that are real and very scary.  I'm certain I didn't--until now.  Our standard reaction to a negative comment is to follow it with a positive comment as a form of support.  For example, when someone hears "I have breast cancer, and I will lose all my hair as well as having to have a complete mastectomy", the typical response is "Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before; and boobs don't matter.  They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over".  This reaction, while well meaning, does nothing to support the person who has no choice but to face this situation.  Why?  Let's pick it apart. 

Statement 1:  Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before.  Let's be honest, who WANTS to lose their hair and be bald?  I do not look in the mirror and feel my hair makes me beautiful; but it certainly doesn't help my appearance to be bald either.  I didn't want to lose my hair.  I didn't have a damn choice.  I do not find being bald beautiful.  I do not enjoy wearing a wig to feel normal.  It's a huge pain in the butt wearing it.  I would much rather have my own hair on my head, and I miss it.  I miss it terribly.  I am not Demi Moore who was paid an obscene amount of money to shave her head for a movie role, so please do not compare me to her.  Perhaps I would be a little happier about this if someone had given me a fat million dollar check; but since that's not happening, there is nothing really good about it!  I'd much rather have my "unhealthy" hair than none at all. 

Statement 2:  Boobs don't matter.  They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over.  I really want to just immediately ask them if they REALLY believe this statement or is it just the only cliché saying they can come up with?  Seriously, stop saying this to breast cancer patients.  It doesn't help.  In fact, it makes us feel worse.  First, my boobs matter to me.  Do they make me who I am or define me?  No, but I liked them, and I'm angry I have to cut them off to save my life.  Does it mean I won't choose to do it and walk around with murdering boobs on my chest?  Heck no, but it doesn't make having to do it any easier!  Yes, reconstruction is an option; but that doesn't make having to do this at the top of my list of things to do.  It doesn't mean I won't be left with ugly scars--physically and emotionally.  Reconstructed breasts after a mastectomy differ greatly from regular boobs.  Google it before you make this statement.  Breasts make a woman feel like a woman and clothing and swimwear is designed around breasts.  Take a moment to read the magazines, look at television or a movie.  Breasts are the focus on every female.  We push them up to show off cleavage and we all learn from a very young age to appreciate the female breasts.  Weather we admit it or not, boobs matter, so making this statement to a woman who isn't given the choice to keep her breasts is thoughtless. 

Now that I've picked apart a statement nearly everyone who has spoken to a breast cancer patient has made, let me say, in my opinion, what your response should be.  What would make me feel better.  The best part is there are multiple options so you can take your pick.

Here's a shocker to many people--you don't have to have a positive response or answer to emotionally support someone.  In fact, they likely don't expect you to have an answer or advice.  Resist the urge to repeat cliché sayings, and simply be empathetic to their situation.  Unless you yourself have been in their situation and experienced what they are experiencing, please do not try to offer advice or tell them how they should be feeling.  Guess what?  You don't know how they are feeling unless you've actually been there, and there is no better way to make them feel like they cannot share their innermost feelings than to cut them off and tell them what they should be feeling.  What do I mean by this?  For example, when I first found out I had breast cancer, I would be crying and very upset about my diagnosis, and many times I would hear "you have to be positive, and you need to be strong".  Well, that's great advice, but what I really needed was for someone to let me cry, let me be mad, and let me have my own emotions by simply being there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on.  I find myself avoiding talking about how I feel simply because I do not want to be told how I should or shouldn't feel anymore.  Ask yourself--do you give the advice because it's easier than dealing with the hurt and the pain your loved one is facing or because you truly believe what you're saying?  Allow your loved one to truly lean on your emotionally by being there for them; and if you must offer advice or say something, tell them how much you love them, and do not pretend to understand something you aren't living.  

Finally, remember that each time you cut off a loved one who is trying to express how they feel just to tell them how you think they should feel, you're preventing them from healing emotionally and sharing their feelings.  You're encouraging them to keep their feelings to themselves and not include you in them.  Why would they want to if you're going to tell them their feelings are wrong?  There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.  It may not be your way, but it's not right or wrong.  We all deal with things differently; and your job is to allow them to deal with the situation they have no choice but to face.  This was not something they asked for--it was given to them to face against their will.  That means they aren't always going to be happy about it.  It doesn't change the outcome or the decisions they make, but they need to express these feelings nonetheless. 

In short, putting your listening ears on can be the best support you can possibly offer.  Don't be the person who talks and never listens.  Be the person who listens, understands, and offers hugs more than they offer advice.  It's perfectly okay to say "I cannot begin to understand how you feel; but I'm going to love you regardless of how you look and feel".  That simple statement can take the place of everything mentioned above, and is so much more powerful.  No false pretenses, and no harsh statements.  Just support.

Fighters, stay strong but cry when you need to. 

Supporters, strive to be stronger than the person you are supporting, and it's okay to cry too. 

Tears do not mean weakness.

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