Hair and Facing Hair Loss

Let's Talk About Hair and Cancer

When I received my diagnosis of breast cancer and heard the words "chemotherapy", the first thing that went through my mind was "I am going to be bald".  Yes it seems silly that when facing a life threatening disease the first concern would be your appearance; but I openly admit it was mine.  Yes, I cried and was upset that I have cancer; and being forced to face your own mortality is very difficult.  None of us want to think about how much time we have left so we simply don't think about it.  Cancer patients are forced to think about it.  Everyone tells us "be strong", "you have to fight", "don't give up",  and all the cliche sayings that are meant well; but unless you yourself have cancer, you truly don't know what it's like to be the one watching your entire life change--to include the things you feel are part of your identity.

Hair is important to everyone weather they admit it or not.  We spend a lot of money on haircuts, coloring our hair, conditioning treatments, shampoos, conditioners, shine treatments, gels that promise to straighten, curl, defrizz, etc.  The list is endless; and the amount of money spent on these products is astronomical.  Which proves my point that our hair means a lot to us.  I have a vanity room dedicated to getting ready each morning.  It's my girl haven for putting on makeup, fixing my hair, and getting ready.  I have a three shelf stand next to my vanity, and two of the shelves are FULL of hair products.  So needless to say, I have always been a hair product junkie.

Upon coming to terms with the fact that I have cancer, I also had to face the fact that I would lose my hair.  Each time I thought about it, I would burst into tears.  I have spent the past four years getting one conditioning treatment after another to keep my hair healthy as I was growing it out.  My hair was longer than it has ever been in my entire life.  I finally had long hair.  And it was all going to fall out.

A week before my first chemotherapy appointment, I forced myself to go to the Hopes Boutique in the Breast Center where I see all my physicians and treatment.  There is a salon in the back for patients facing hair loss offering wigs, hats, and full service fittings.  I felt so out of place and silly at first.  I was handed several books with photos of wigs as well as page markers I could use to mark photos of wigs I liked and would be interested in trying.  My husband sat next to me as I opened the first book and stared at the photos of beautiful women with beautiful hair.  Tears were dropping all over the book.  I angrily swiped the tears off my face determined to face this.  I began looking for haircuts and styles that closely resembled my current hair.  After marking a few, Robyn, came over and introduced herself.  She had a fun, vibrant personality and immediately made me feel better.  I just wanted to hug her.  Something about her made me feel "okay".  She began pulling boxes of wigs from the shelves and complimenting my choices.  We laughed as she put the netted cap over my head which resembled a small sock.

I was expecting a wig look.  You know what I mean.  You've seen people that you knew right away they were wearing a wig.  That's the look I was dreading.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the hair felt natural and was actually more healthy looking than my own hair.  I have a small head, so we had to stick with petite wigs with less hair wove into them.  When I put a wig on that had thicker hair, there was that wig look I wanted to avoid.  I had always wanted thick hair like my daughters were blessed with.  I now understood why God didn't give me this.  It simply doesn't fit my face!  I quickly began to have fun trying on the wigs.  Oh, all the colors available!  I could suddenly see what I looked like with every possible hair color out there.  I could see what I looked like with various cuts and styles without a commitment.  How often do we get that chance?  I found I actually look good with short haircuts.  Cuts I would have NEVER tried because I've always wanted and strove for long hair.  I truly felt like I had hope again.  I settled on two different wigs.  One was the exact length of my current hair with an almost exact cut; and the second was a similar cut but with the length hitting just the top of my shoulders.  I was happy and excited about my choices.  While I did not want to loose my hair, I felt like I was taking control of something I could not control by taking these steps and preparing myself.  My advice to anyone facing hair loss is do not wait until your hair is falling out to take this step.  Face it head on and go while you're hair is still healthy so you can match it up as much as possible.  It can be fun.  Yes, it's hard, but it gets easier.

I have my wigs all set up in my vanity room bushed out and on the plastic heads to keep their shape.  I am ready.  Yet, my hair still hasn't begun to fall out.  I get my third dose of chemotherapy (Taxol) tomorrow, October 31, 2013.  However, I know it will be happening soon.  Just a few days before my first treatment, I went to the salon and got my hair cut short.  I cannot control my hair falling out; but I CAN control the trauma of seeing long strands of hair all over the place.  For me, I felt like that would be even harder.  Also, I tried to look at this as my chance to get a haircut I would never try otherwise.  It's going to fall out anyway, so why not?  I will only be stuck with it a few weeks, and if I hate it, I would just shave it off and wear my wig.  It was hair freedom for the first time in my life.

After my first dose, my head had these funny pin prick feelings for several days.  It's as if I was very aware of every hair on my head. My hair follicles were rebelling, and I could feel it.  Yet my hair stayed in tact.  After my second dose, I prepared myself for it.  My scalp hurt and was very sensitive.  I kept gently tugging on strands of hair checking to see if it had begun or running my hands lightly through my hair to see if it was shedding; but nothing.  My scalp hurt like crazy; but it was stubbornly staying in place.  I also have noticed I have several infected hairs on my scalp.  I can feel all over my head, and there are small bumps all over my head.  I've also had issues with my face breaking out over the past week.  I've always seen a dermatologist, so I had some face wash for clogged pores (which I usually have issues with in the summer when it's hot), and it's drying my face up nicely.  This makes it very clear to me that every hair follicle on my body to include the invisible hairs on my face are irritated from the chemotherapy.  Yet, no hair has yet fallen out.  I shower and wash my hair gently.  I brush my hair as if I'm brushing a baby's head.  Just waiting for that moment to arrive.  While I do not want it to happen, I sort of do so the waiting will be over. I am a very stubborn person, and it would seem my hair is just as stubborn as me.  

November 5, 2013--It has been three weeks and four days since my very first chemo treatment.  Today, I have noticed a little more shedding than what I would consider normal.  While it's not a significant amount, I can say it's enough to say it's outside what we would consider normal pieces of hair coming out.  It's not falling out in clumps (which is what I imagined); but rather a strand here and there.  I can run my hands through my hair, and each time, a strand is in my hand.  Many people reported a slow thinning of their hair while on treatment; and it would seem this is the route my hair is taking.  I have fine hair, so I truly expected it to just come out in clumps, and it still might eventually; but I am remaining positive no matter what happens.  I am prepared for this.  When it comes time to buzz cut my hair and wear a wig, will it be easy?  No, I have no doubt I'll cry my eyes out; but I'm as ready as I can possibly be too. 

November 6, 2013--Today marked the first day I can say for sure my hair is beginning to fall out.  I was sitting at my daughter's school waiting to pick her up, and I noticed quite a bit of hair strands on my shoulder.  I collected all that I could see, and I ran my hands through my hair,  I found quite a bit of hair in my hand.  I kept collecting it in a ball and running my hands through my hair, and each time, I would get hair in my hands.  I ended up with a ball of hair that looks like what you clean out of your brush (when you haven't cleaned it in about two weeks).  While my hair is not coming out in clumps, it's definitely thinning at what would seem to be a fast pace now.  When I got home, I ran my lint roller over my t-shirt, and a lot of hair was on the back of my t-shirt.  I foresee a buzz cut very soon as I will go crazy with hair coming out all over me.  Not to mention I use a straightener on my hair each day, and I doubt my hair will withstand a straighter if it's coming out when I do nothing to it.  As much as I had prepared myself for this, it was still hard to see that much hair in my hands.  I suppose a part of me had begun to hope I may escape this fate a little longer since I had already escaped it for three weeks.  I am grateful my hair held on this long though.

November 7, 2013--As I suspected, a lot of my hair came out while in the shower this morning.  I had to clean my shower out after I got out as it would have been gross for someone else to step into that.  The wad of hair I collected was alarming--and long pieces.  When someone looks at me, it's still not obvious I'm losing hair, but I can tell because I know how my hair felt before I began losing it.  I straightened it as little as possible this morning.  Just enough so it looked "fixed".  I have resorted to carrying a lint roller with me to periodically run over my clothes to collect the hair.  It's amazing how much hair collects on your shirt that you can't see until you run a lint roller over your shirt!  I'm going to try to get through this weekend with my hair and possibly buzz it off on Sunday.  But, if it's getting so thin it looks bad, it will be happening sooner. 

November 8, 2013--Today marks the day I can officially say enough hair came out that I began looking bald.  My hair was so thin I could not fix it or cover up the fact that I was losing hair.  There was no covering it up.  So, while my daughter slept and I was alone in the house, I took scissors, and I began cutting off my hair.  When I got my hair cut short, it felt VERY short to me.  But seeing the hair in the shower, all over me, and covered in it, it looked long.  As I cut it off, it looked long.  I cried so much I couldn't see what I was doing as I cut chunk after chunk of hair from my head.  I wasn't aiming for a particular style.  It didn't matter if it was even.  I have no intention of trying to fix it anyway.  I just needed the majority of it off so I wouldn't look like the cat lady of Syracuse covered in hair.  I threw chunks of hair in the trash can at my vanity.  There was so much of my beautiful hair in that trash can.  I don't know when I'll see my real hair again.  It seems so far away before I'll brush my hair and be happy with what I see.

After I was finished, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I looked like a boy with a bad haircut.  Gone was the sexy, beautiful woman with long hair and a mischievous smile and in her place stood a woman with sad, puffy eyes, patchy tufts of hair on her heady, and finally, a cancer patient.  For the first time since I was diagnosed, I looked like a cancer patient.  I don't like what I see.  After a few moments of crying and mourning the loss of my hair (yet again), I wiped my face with a washcloth determined to put my big girl panties on and move on.  I have chemotherapy today, so I had to get it together.  I put a nightcap on to cover my hair and focused on putting my makeup on.  After a few moments, I realized the face was still mine.  That made me feel somewhat better.  After completing my makeup, I put my shorter wig on.  It's annoying to say the least.  It makes my head itch, and I feel like my hair is in my face constantly.  It doesn't part exactly the way my own hair did.  I can't push it aside and out of my face like I did my own hair.  It's just not MY hair.  But it looks okay.  I at least look presentable.  I don't think anyone would know it's a wig who didn't already know me.  But I know.  As hard as I've tried to be positive this morning, I'm having a hard time today.  This was a tough morning.  But life goes on and so shall I.

November 23, 2013:  I wanted to update this particular blog to include when I began losing noticing my eyebrows thinning.  Just before I had my sixth treatment of Taxol, I noticed my eyebrows were getting thinner each day when I would do my makeup.  I have to fill the in quite a bit now as there are patches of eyebrows where there is no hair.  I use an eyebrow gel pallet from Sephora with an angled eyebrow brush.  Once I fill in my eyebrows with the brown gel, I use an eyebrow pencil to draw in tiny "hairs".  It takes a little practice, but you get pretty good at it pretty fast.  It's going to be tough when I have absolutely no eyebrows left to use as a guide though.

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