My smile is as genuine, my love for live is still showing, and I'm still in love with my children and have every reason to fight with all I have. So, rather than blog about cancer itself today. I wanted to blog about how amazing my life has been for the past 40 years. I had a mother who loved me more than words could ever say. I know without a doubt she's in heaven now watching over me and cheering me on to beat this. I thank God every day for giving me such a loving mother who raised me to fear God but also remember he is a loving God. I was blessed with children at a young age, and it wasn't my plan, but it was God's plan; and now I know why. I smile now thinking of how everyone asked me how I would raise a baby at the age of 18 as a single parent. I trusted in God and and never considered an alternative. God sent me a man whom I married and who loved me and my son as his own, and together, we had two daughters. While our marriage eventually had issues and we divorced, we have remained friends and work together as parents to continue to raise our children. I had a GOOD marriage with him, and we shared many happy memories with our children. I questioned why things worked out as they did and why they couldn't stay the same. Again, God had a plan; and just because I didn't understand it didn't mean it was not his plan.
I enjoyed a few years as a single parent with my children, who were all growing up quickly. While many women struggle and have a difficult time, I laughed and enjoyed my time with them individually. I got to know my children on a level many parents don't get to. They truly were and still remain my best friends. Upon meeting my current husband, I went through many phases of doubt questioning if I was ready for marriage again. My children convinced me to take the leap and "be happy". With their blessings, I married my husband on January 7, 2012. Our marriage was all about our blended families as he also has two children from a previous relationship. Our ceremony and reception revolved around our children and was more of a celebration than anything. Never did I intent to marry again, but once again, God presented his plan for me. My goal was to focus on my own children and not let anyone or anything take my focus off them. As selfish as it may sound, I did not want to raise anyone else's children. But once again, God had his own plan, and as always, it didn't seem to go along with the plan I had for myself. Not long after we were married, my husband received custody of his children, and they began living with us full time. A difficult situation with their mother had deemed this necessary, and I found myself suddenly thrown into a role of the step mother full time. I kicked, stomped and threw my share of temper tantrums. My youngest was 15, and I didn't want to start over again. I'm sure God shook his head and said "too bad".
My husband and I have struggled to maintain a new marriage, parenting issues associated with a blended family, and the struggles that are associated with obtaining and maintaining custody of children from a bad situation. It strained our marriage and made things difficult for us. We often questioned what we were doing and if we should even be together. Maybe we had no business being together and just needed to part ways to ensure everyone else's happiness? We spent this past summer focusing on our children and spending time with them before everyone got busy with school. We each ignored the growing issue between us. Both hoping it would just go away. One evening in early September, I thought "God, I cannot ever figure your plan out. Each time I think I'm making the right decision, you show me otherwise; but I cannot continue like this. I really think we are going to have to part ways. This is too hard". Mentally, I had made the decision. On the outside, I hadn't made a single step toward making it happen.
When I found the lump, cancer crossed my mind; but I didn't really believe that's what it was. I was simply too young, in great health, active, and way too busy for that nonsense. The news shocked me to my core. It made me face my own mortality and that old cliche saying that "tomorrow isn't promised". Suddenly, I realized God was once again putting me in a position where my decisions simply weren't possible and weather I liked it or not, I would follow his plan. My husband and I looked at one another and realized all the silly disagreements and things that seemed so big were no longer even important. Surviving and beating cancer was all that mattered. I could no longer focus on me and my wants, but I was being put in a position where I was forced to focus on surviving for those I loved and allowing God to mold me into what his plan for me is. I wrecked my car three summers ago rolling it and being trapped inside. I should have been killed in that accident; but I walked away with only a couple bruises. God spared me that day for a reason; and I have to trust his plan for me and my life. Surrendering my wants and wishes and giving God control of my life will be my biggest challenge; but I have no doubt doing so will also save me and everyone I care about.
Me and my daughter, Autumn, in Clearwater Beach, Florida. August 2013.
Me and my children. May 2011.
Me, my daughter, Autumn, and her friend in Orlando, FL August 2013.
Me and my youngest daughter in Savannah, GA July 2013.
Me and my husband on our wedding day, January 7, 2012.
Me and my husband snorkeling while on a trip to Cancun Mexico May 2013.
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