When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was approached by many women who are survivors or currently in the midst of their treatment. These women reached out to me and provided the must needed support I was looking for. They were like a gasp of air when you're drowning. I was drowning in a cancer diagnosis, and they held out their hand and offered to help pull me above it. I do not believe these women looked at themselves as a life saver, but that's exactly what they were.
After my initial diagnosis, I couldn't get the word cancer out of my head. It echoed in my brain like someone had put it on repeat to taunt me. I couldn't find freedom from it in my sleep as it haunted my dreams as well. I had nightmares of trying to live a lifetime in the next five years. Why five? Because everything I read online said a re-occurance typically happens within the first five years. To further encourage my fears, my Aunt (my mom's sister) had Triple Negative breast cancer in 2008. She went through chemo and a mastectomy, and she was considered a survivor. Unfortunately, the cancer came back in 2013 throughout her entire body. She passed away after only a few months of being told it was back. I was unable to attend her funeral in early September because I was laying on a table in the Stefanie Speilman Center at the exact same time getting a biopsy on a massive tumor of my own. My Aunt hadn't beat the five year mark, so I felt doomed to the same fate. I found myself obsessed with every stage of my Aunt's cancer, what treatments she had chosen, how advanced her cancer was, etc. I was looking for anything and everything to prove to myself my case was not like hers so I could prove to myself my fate would not also be like hers. All the while, I had breast cancer sister after sister contacting me and encouraging me to stay strong and fight. Not to compare myself to other women and focus on the fight I had ahead of me. I heard over and over "Being a breast cancer sister is the one sorority no one wants to join, but it's one you will never want to be without again". I didn't understand this statement at the time; but I do now.
Over the past five months, I have slowly accepted "I have breast cancer". I have accepted the path ahead of me as my own and one I must travel. It is not one I would have chosen for myself, but I must do it nonetheless. I have had to face myself and the decisions I've made in my life with an entirely new perspective and outlook on life. Some I liked, and others I was ashamed. Being told you have cancer has a way of making you turn yourself inside out and face who you are. Suddenly, what's on the outside isn't what matters. It's what's on the inside. I have always looked at that as one of those cliche sayings everyone repeats but never really means. This is partially true as I never truly appreciated it until I was told I had cancer. I simply couldn't understand it with the clarity I now have. With the acceptance of having breast cancer, I have made some very good friends who also have breast cancer. These women are strong, resilient, and they possess an ability to truly understand every thought and emotion inside me. They don't just tolerate certain feelings or emotions I may have. They are also living it.
We've all heard the saying "misery loves company". While this somewhat applies, I do not feel this is the reason these women have become so important to me. It's a support system unlike anything you will ever experience any other way. I have many friends who have supported me through my treatments thus far. They have been my rock, and they have been there for me without question. They listen and hear me cry; and they often don't always have the answers. And that's okay! None of us do. But they can't truly relate to what I'm feeling because they have not and are not living it. This is where the breast cancer sisterhood comes into play. The women I have met truly understand what I'm feeling and talking about because they are living it as well. They don't have to try to understand you. It just makes sense to them. I have one sister in particular I have formed a close bond with. We have many things in common, and we are very much the same type of person. We often think to message one another at the same times, and we find encouragement in the fact that we can simply state how we are feeling that day, and the other always replies with "Yes, I feel like that too--it's so good to know I'm not crazy for thinking that". Yes, these are two people sharing in the same misery; but it's more than that. It's two people sharing in sadness and grief, but also building one another up and supporting one another in spite of the ugliness.
Having said all of this, I sit here typing this on the final day of 2013. I've read all the posts about saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming 2014. I, like everyone else, have many things from 2013 I am happy to put behind me, and I'm looking forward to a new year and hoping it holds more positives than negatives. However, I'm going to take the opposite approach for a moment and state all the reason why in spite of breast cancer, 2013 was a good year to me. My critics out there may look at this as being fake and "too positive"; but I do not type this blog for them. I type this for me; and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that sometimes simply putting the positive into black and white on a screen, It makes things clearer. Suddenly, not only am I typing it, but I believe it. It's my survival technique.
I brought in 2013 with my children and family. The evening was full of laughter at my sister's house playing games with the kids, sharing good food, and simply welcoming a new year with the people who mean the most to me. Watching my children play Twister and laugh made me smile. My children chose alcohol free and family over parties with other teenagers and being drunk. That in itself was a reason to smile and be proud. They were not sulking because they would rather be someplace else. They were content and happy to be right where they were. Thank you God for giving my children the good sense I was not always granted.
I have lived in my home for over four years. I rented for the first few years as I was not in a position to purchase the home. We were finally able to purchase our home shortly after the new year began. Having been a home owner my entire life, it was quite an accomplishment to again own my home rather than rent. That aside, thank you God for bringing me to Charlie and Sandra Cobb, the owners of this home prior to my buying it. They took me in as more of a daughter than a tenant renting a home they owned. They opened this home and their hearts to me at a time in my life when I needed it most.
2013 has brought many changes in my job. I've held my position with Ohio University for 15 years, so there are times I feel I could do it in my sleep; but it has been evolving and changing greatly over the past year. These changes are offering an opportunity for growth and development as well as allowing me to think outside the box, which is what I have wanted for quite some time. I thank you God for my job and those I work with. The support I have received from my work family has been second to none. Many other employees have taken extra work upon themselves since my diagnosis so I am not stressed out or worried about my job. I am truly blessed to have such a good job to provide for my family.
While I complain often about my car, I am truly blessed to have a reliable and NICE car. My car is only a few years old, yet I often complain about it. I don't like the color, wish I had got something different, etc. But, in the grand scheme of things, my complaints about my car are trivial; and I'm being very ungrateful not to be thankful for what I have. So, thank you God for a reliable car to get me to all these appointments safely and without worry. (Can we make the payment smaller though?) =)
2013 has taught me to be appreciative of the things I take for granted. This one may shock a few people as I am aware not many people have good things to say about their ex-husbands. But I have come to realize having an ex doesn't mean you have to have an enemy. I am thankful for my ex husband and the measures him and his wife have taken to do what they can to help me since my diagnosis. My doctor appointments have interfered with my ability to take my daughter to school and obligations a few times, and my ex has, without complaint, has taken care of things so I could get to my appointment. I am thankful for our ability to work together for our children.
I have always been thankful for my children, and I have always been very aware of how blessed I am to have them in my life. This year in particular, I have come to realize how strong, determined, and loving my children are. Life has taught all of us some tough lessons, but my children have grown and become stronger because of those lessons. Since my diagnosis, I have watched my children struggle to remain positive in the face of fear and negativity, become more determined, and finally, I have watched them stand strong and support me in spite of their own fears. Each and every one of them have listened to me when I needed it, have hugged me when I needed to cry, and they have never let me down when it came to needing them for appointments. They have rearranged their plans and never once with a complaint. Thank you God for what my children have become and what they are yet to become.
I have truly learned how valuable my friends are their loyalty. My friends have shown unwavering love, and I am thankful God has shown me the true meaning of friendship and love. Cancer has taught me many lessons in a very short period of time; and this is one of them.
I took a small trip with each of my children this past summer. They are all growing up, and it's impossible to find one thing to do with each of them that makes everyone happy. As much as I love spending time with all of them together, I had a strong desire to spend some one on one time with each of them this past summer. I thank God daily for the opportunity I was given to do this as I think about those times with my children often when I'm having a tough day. Nothing compares to the ability to simply talk one on one to your child and catch up with each other's lives.
Finally, I am thankful for my team of doctors and nurses who are taking care of me during this difficult time in my life. I have one doctor in particular who drops what she's doing and hugs me every time she sees me. She doesn't look at me as a patient but as a person. She listens to my concerns and takes me seriously. That in and of itself makes this more bearable. I cannot change the fact that I have cancer and must face a tough road ahead; but I can be thankful for the good things in my life. 2014, like 2013 will involve cancer. I know there will be difficult days ahead, and there may be days in 2014 that are tougher than any I faced in 2013; but I also know they will be followed by something good. I only have to be patient and wait for the bad day to pass so the good day can arrive.
Have a safe and happy new year. May you have many blessings in 2014.
Breast Pain & Triple Negative Breast Cancer
I want YOUR input about breast pain with your Triple Negative Breast Cancer!
In March of 2013, I had a revision surgery on existing saline implants that were almost ten years old. My left one had a small, slow leak, and I was slow deflating on that side. I noticed the lack of fullness in my left breast at the top (ironically, where the breast cancer tumor showed up just a few months later). My surgeon confirmed there was a deflation, and before I knew it, I was headed into surgery for new implants. After I got over the initial shock that I had to get my implants replaced, I was excited to get it done. I had wanted silicone implants when I had got implants ten years earlier, but they weren't fully approved by the FDA yet. Saline implants feel like a bag of water under your skin, and they lack softness.
After my surgery, I healed quickly; and my life returned to normal. About two months after my surgery, I began experiencing a sharp, stinging pain in my left breast at the top. It was a different pain that I had experienced most of my life and was always told was pain from a cyst. This had the ability to stop you in your tracks as it would come on suddenly and felt like being stung by a bees over and over again in the same spot. I convinced myself it was simply muscle pain from where I had my implant surgery so recently. After all, this is common with breast surgery until the muscles relax. However, the pain continued as the summer progressed, and it became more and more frequent. But, because I had been told so many times not to worry about breast pain, I ignored it.
In mid June, I noticed a lump in the 12 o'clock position of my left breast. It wasn't overly big or concerning, but it was definitely there and it was new. As I stated before, my breast have always been full of lumps and bumps from cyst and fibrocystic tissue. I wrote it off as yet another cyst. My doctors never took them serious so why should I? One morning in early August, I was changing my bra in front of the mirror, and I happened to glance up into the mirror. What I saw shocked me--and scared me. The seemingly harmless lump that had appears just a little over a month before was now visible and big. I could see it without touching it, and it was making my left breast shaped funny. I put my bra and shirt on and stared at it. I could see it in my cleavage even. I had a doctor appointment for something else later that week. I would ask about it then I decided.
While seeing my doctor later that week, I almost forgot to ask her about the lump. Just before the appointment ended, she asked me if there was anything else I needed. It was then I remembered the lump. I said "well, I do have this new lump in my breast I would like you to take a look at. I'm sure it's nothing; but I may as well get it checked". She checked the lump, and she was immediately concerned. It was hard and large. Unlike anything she had ever seen or felt before. She checked my file, and I was due for my yearly mammogram anyway, so she sent me to the radiation department for a mammogram right then. The tech doing the mammogram assured me it looked like a benign tumor of some sort and not to be too worried. Obviously, it may have to be removed, but "don't let them scare you to death".
The rest of the story is obvious. Eventually, I found out the tumor was in fact cancer. Only through a biopsy were they able to determine this. I have Invasive Ductal Carsinoma, Triple Negative. Triple negative is a very aggressive and fast growing form of breast cancer. Most breast cancers feed off one of the three hormones naturally in your body. Which type the cancer feeds off, determines what type of breast cancer you have. My tumor tested negative for all three types of hormones. This means it's negative for all three--thus the name Triple Negative. Since being diagnosed, I have did a lot of research on the Internet and spoke to a lot of women who have triple negative breast cancer. One overwhelmingly common story I keep hearing is "my breast hurt a lot before diagnosis and they told me not to worry because breast cancer doesn't hurt". We are not saying we had pain in the general area where our tumor is located. We are saying we had pain in the EXACT area where the tumor was located. I know without a doubt the sharp, stinging pains I felt before the tumor appears and that continued to hurt after it appeared were EXACTLY in the location where that tumor sat. Furthermore, as I have went through my chemo treatments and the tumor has shrunk, I have had a lot of breast pain where the tumor is/was. It hurts when it's growing, and it hurts when it's dying. Not only do I still have the sharp, stinging pains, but I get an aching feeling in that area as well. And it can last for hours.
Not a lot is known about Triple Negative breast cancer. Much research is still being done. Unfortunately, this limits our treatment options as well as our longterm prognosis. Triple Negative breast cancer is aggressive, and the reoccurrence rate is high. They simply do not understand enough about it to treat it as effectively as other types. Since not much is known about it, I believe there is a factor that is being greatly overlooked by the medical community. Women are not being heard and listened to. We are being brushed aside as whiners and complainers when it comes to a little breast pain. But I must insist there MUST be a relationship between the breast pain and the cancer itself. The pain itself led me to the exact location of the tumor, and almost EVERY woman I've spoken to with Triple Negative breast cancer has said the exact same thing. Yet, doctors still tell women not to be concerned over breast pain.
I'm looking for comments and input from those who have Triple Negative breast cancer. Please describe any breast pain you had before a tumor appeared, when it was shrinking and if you still experience pain. Perhaps our stories, together, can reach one woman out there who is ignoring breast pain. Maybe, just maybe, something you say will make her take notice and not ignore the signs her body is sending her. Maybe, we , the patients who know what this feels like can convince the doctors who often get caught up in their textbook symptoms they really need to LISTEN to their patients.
Chemo Doses 9 & 10 of 12--Taxol & Oncologist Checkup
I am a bit behind updating my blog regarding my 9th chemo treatment, which was on December 20, 2013. My 10th treatment was today, December 27, 2013. The holidays have kept me busy, so I didn't have a chance to update last week. Therefore, this post includes updates for both treatments. To my followers, I apologize for getting behind!
Chemo 9 of 12 (Taxol), December 20, 2013
Chemo 9 of 12 (Taxol), December 20, 2013
My youngest daughter, Makya, took me to my 9th chemo appointment. We were excited to get the chemo appointment over with so we could head to the Easton Mall and enjoy the Christmas lights and soak up the atmosphere that IS Easton during the holiday season. My blood work showed my counts had dropped a little from my previous appointment, but they were still within what's considered a normal range. Abigail was watching for me to come in, and she made sure she did my IV, which told me it was going to be a good day. She always gets it on the first try without any issues. As expected, she did a fabulous job, and I didn't feel a thing. One more week down in the books without a port! That's simply another win against cancer as far as I'm concerned! I had my steroid shot before my chemo began. As much as I hate it, I do love the energy it gives me. I suppose it's a love/hate relationship because while the extra energy is nice, that extra energy makes sleeping almost impossible. Before I knew it, the IV was beeping and I was done. I've noticed chemo always goes really fast when the IV is done correctly as it doesn't hurt the entire time, and I'm not counting down the hour to get the IV out! My daughter and I happily headed out and drove to the mall.
As always, Easton didn't fail to keep us occupied. We went into Barnes and Noble book store, and I believe it was about two hours later that we emerged. We are both avid readers, and to us, there is simply no replacement for a good book and reading. Each of us would prefer to read a book than to watch the movie. What is shown in a move is never as good as what we imagine while reading a story. Of my three children, my youngest daughter truly inherited my love for books, reading, and history. After a walk past the massive tree outdoors, we walked around laughing and spending some mother-daughter time together. While driving home later, my daughter laughed at me and told me I was "talking a mile a minute". I told her "that's your mom on steroids". At a certain point, you have to just laugh at cancer and all the associated crap that goes along with it. Laughter is truly your saving grace!
Chemo 10 of 12 (Taxol), December 27, 2013 & Oncologist Check-up
Today marked number 10 of 12 total for Taxol. It's hard to believe I am so close to finishing up my rounds of Taxol. I will have a three week break after finishing up the Taxol, then I am scheduled to begin the A/C combo. I will receive four treatments of A/C; but they will be every other week, so even though it's only four treatments, they will span over an eight week period. At any rate, I'm well over half way done with all of my chemo treatments, and I'm very thankful to have felt so GOOD during my treatments so far. My chemo nurse informed me last week I will have to get a shot every day while on A/C. This shot boosts your white blood counts as A/C really does a number on your white blood counts, and it can be a lot tougher than Taxol. I am trying very hard to have faith in God that I will continue to do so well on my upcoming chemo; but there is a part of me that is truly afraid I won't continue to be so lucky. I want nothing more than to continue to work and do all the things I've been doing. To stay strong, and truly tell cancer to kiss my butt because I'm not giving in to it. But, as a very good friend of mine told me, I can't play superwoman forever, and I have to sit down and REST.
I'm trying to follow her advice tonight. I have plenty of energy tonight thanks to a steroid shot, but I know my body is tired. I didn't sleep well last night, and I have not slept well for the past few nights. Emotionally, I've had a rough week, so it's affected my ability to sleep. Last night, I had hot flashes all night, and kept me from sleeping. Alternating between being cold and then instantly overwhelmingly hot truly prevents you from resting! It's quite frustrating. So, although I need to clean my house, I would love to take down the Christmas tree and get my furniture back in its place, I'm sitting on the couch and doing absolutely nothing. The week prior to Christmas was very hectic, and I rarely sat down. I spent A LOT of time in the kitchen cooking and baking. I do this every year for the holidays, and it was exhausting when I wasn't going through treatment. So, this year was particularly tiring. However, I powered through, and I'm proud to say I was not only able to keep up with every tradition we do every year, but I believe I baked a little more than I normally do this year. My goal was to ensure cancer didn't affect Christmas for my family, and I believe I met that goal as much as I possibly could. Unfortunately, that led to me finding myself pretty tired by Thursday night (the night before chemo). Typically, I have found I felt really GOOD the day before more poison was injected in my veins. This week was different, and I could tell I had been pushing myself too hard.
My friend, Carly Crow took me to my appointment today. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for my children and my friends who have taken time out of their day to take me to my appointments. Carly is off work for the holidays, and she not only used one of her days off work to make the 1.5 hour drive to my treatment center (one way) and to sit at the clinic with me most of the day; but she also took me to my appointment not feeling well at all. She absolutely refused to bail on me and leave me with no one to take me. Cancer has already taught me many lessons, but one of the biggest is the unconditional love friends like Carly show as well as the efforts my children have taken to be there for me. I have truly learned how much I am loved and by so many.
Today, I also had a checkup with my oncologist. Everything went fine. I did speak with my oncologist regarding the emotional difficulties I have faced this week. I plan to address some of this in a future blog, but I'm not ready to discuss it at this time. It's a personal issue I need to face, and I will address it so my readers who are facing the same issue can benefit from it; but it's not something I can blog about at this time. Eventually, I will so please don't give up on me. I will meet with my oncologist again in two weeks when I'm finishing up my final dose of Taxol.
As always, I received my steroid shot prior to my chemo. On that note, I want to again tell women who are facing steroid induced acne that my face is, chest and back is still clear, so the items my dermatologist gave me to keep it under control work. I highly recommend requesting this if you're having issues with acne during treatment. We are facing enough during this ordeal. A face that looks like a pubescent teen shouldn't be one of them! Thirty minutes later, my chemo began. All went fine, and Carly and I were laughing and keeping the chemo floor in fits of laughter. The photo above was taken as I was heading to the bathroom. In a fit of laughter, I said "that's it ladies. I'm taking my pole and leaving!". A few moments before my bag of poison was empty, Carly noticed I had a "scratch" on my forehead. She asked "did you scratch yourself?". I pulled out my phone and used the camera to look at my forehead. I hadn't scratched myself, and Carly said "OMG...we have to call someone in here. You're getting a rash!". In true Carly form, she stuck her head into the hall and said "Hey, we got a rash in here!" Have I said how much I love this girl? Her sense of humor and the laughs we share CONSTANTLY when together are amazing. A nurse immediately came in and looked at my forehead. She then checked my hands. Sure enough, I had a strange spotty rash on the top of my right hand as well. Leave it to me to develop what they call the Taxol rash on the 10th treatment. She informed me that it was pretty much harmless as long as I wasn't having difficulties breathing and the rash didn't itch uncontrollably. A few moments later, my IV beeped, and I was done with my treatment. Within moments of the treatment ending, the rash began disappearing. So, no big deal, and no sign of a rash now.
After treatment, Carly and I grabbed some dinner at Olive Garden. I ate an unbelievable amount of salad, and I'm not quite sure where I put it all. I haven't ate much over the past few days, so I think I was making up for the food I haven't been eating!
As a final comment, I would like to encourage those who are facing breast cancer to do everything you can to stay positive. It's impossible to be positive every moment of every day. Breast cancer is scary, and it can get the best of you from time to time. You will have good and bad days no matter how positive you are, and that's okay. You're entitled. That means you are normal. What's important is that you can allow yourself to be sad and deal with your bad day then move forward and be strong and positive again. A week ago, I received a random friend request on Facebook from someone I did not know. I almost didn't approve it; but at the last minute, I decided to approve it since I'm a member of a breast cancer awareness site on Facebook, and I had recently had my story featured on their site. I had listed my Facebook information for anyone who wanted to speak to me, and I didn't want to ignore someone who may be looking for support. I am so glad I thought twice before clicking that ignore button. She truly was sent to me by God. She too is facing Triple Negative Breast Cancer, and we quickly determined we have A LOT in common besides breast cancer. But we also discovered we are each facing all the same feelings, emotions, and issues. We are 1,000's of miles from one another but fighting in the same fight. Feeling all the same feelings and fears. And I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to talk to someone who is going through what you're going through. Who truly understands your method of thinking and doesn't judge you. The past week has been very difficult for me, and having her to talk to has saved me. She truly talked me off the edge of an emotional cliff I am not sure I could have survived if not for her. She is a God send, and I have no doubt the two of us will remain life-long friends who are supporting each other long after we've both beat this dreadful disease. She was a reminder that God loves me and wants me to be happy. So he sent her to me at a time I needed her most.
Take Care and Hug those you love!
My Fabulous News!
I had a doctor appointment today to have my stitches removed from the biopsy on my right breast (which came back as benign). I went to this appointment frustrated after dumping half a bottle of water in my lap as I was driving there and just the fact that I had to drive two hours to get stitches removed. But, my surgical oncologist wanted to do a checkup along with my stitches removal, so I chalked it up as a "must" and made the trip.
My surgical oncologist removed the stitches, which had healed nicely, then he checked Diablo the tumor, which he couldn't locate. The tumor has become a fullness in the top of my right breast rather than a knot or recognizable tumor now. I'm half way through my treatment, and you cannot feel the tumor at all now. The fullness in that area is likely still the tumor, but I am so pleased it is not obvious any longer as I feel I am well over half way to making it disappear although I'm half way through my chemo. I call that progress! My doctor then informed me that I'm responding so well to the chemo there is a chance he will not have to remove as much skin on the top of my breast as he originally thought. For those not familiar with what this means, he was planning to remove a section of skin in the 12 o'clock position on my left breast approximately 2 inches across (left to right) and an inch and a half tall (up and down). Removal of this skin will affect my reconstruction and the end result of how cosmetically pleasing the end results are; but removal of this skin is necessary as the tumor was very close to my skin and pushing out against my skin. Since the tumor has responded so positively to the chemo, he may not have to remove as much skin.
He then asked me to meet with my plastic surgeon today although I wasn't originally scheduled to do this. My plastic surgeon informed me my reconstruction plan is now different than I was first told. I was first told I would complete chemo, have a mastectomy, get radiation, then eventually get reconstruction. I had prepared myself to go most of the summer with a butchered up chest and no boobs. I had no idea when I would get reconstructive surgery so I had no goal (I felt) to look forward to. Today, he informed me I will complete chemo in March 2014, my mastectomy will occur the first part of April 2014, and during the mastectomy expanders will be placed. The expanders will be about half the size of my replacement implants to preserve the "space" while I heal from the surgery. After approximately two weeks, I will undergo a second surgery where the expanders will be replaced with the actual implants. Radiation will be in June 2014. It has been up in the air when radiation would occur, and they were first thinking I would need it prior to reconstruction, which doesn't provide cosmetically pleasing results and can cause infection issues, so I was REALLY hoping I wouldn't have to have radiation before reconstruction.
To some, this news may not seem like a big deal; but to me, this is fabulous news! I have been stressing a lot lately about how I'm going to look after this is all over. That may seem vain, but eventually, you have to stop worrying about cancer itself, and you become more concerned with simply living life again. There WILL come a time when I'm no longer getting chemo treatments and worrying about cancerous tumors in my breast, and I would really like to feel as normal as possible. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Today's news made me feel this IS possible. I feel as if today truly was an answer to my prayers. I truly feel God knows how much emotional turmoil has been inside of me worrying and thinking about this; and he made sure the issue was resolved today. I didn't ask for reassurance or for the plan to change. It happened by itself. Just God's plan to reassure me to stop worrying and have faith in him.
Today, I was reminded to let my faith be bigger than my worry.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
My surgical oncologist removed the stitches, which had healed nicely, then he checked Diablo the tumor, which he couldn't locate. The tumor has become a fullness in the top of my right breast rather than a knot or recognizable tumor now. I'm half way through my treatment, and you cannot feel the tumor at all now. The fullness in that area is likely still the tumor, but I am so pleased it is not obvious any longer as I feel I am well over half way to making it disappear although I'm half way through my chemo. I call that progress! My doctor then informed me that I'm responding so well to the chemo there is a chance he will not have to remove as much skin on the top of my breast as he originally thought. For those not familiar with what this means, he was planning to remove a section of skin in the 12 o'clock position on my left breast approximately 2 inches across (left to right) and an inch and a half tall (up and down). Removal of this skin will affect my reconstruction and the end result of how cosmetically pleasing the end results are; but removal of this skin is necessary as the tumor was very close to my skin and pushing out against my skin. Since the tumor has responded so positively to the chemo, he may not have to remove as much skin.
He then asked me to meet with my plastic surgeon today although I wasn't originally scheduled to do this. My plastic surgeon informed me my reconstruction plan is now different than I was first told. I was first told I would complete chemo, have a mastectomy, get radiation, then eventually get reconstruction. I had prepared myself to go most of the summer with a butchered up chest and no boobs. I had no idea when I would get reconstructive surgery so I had no goal (I felt) to look forward to. Today, he informed me I will complete chemo in March 2014, my mastectomy will occur the first part of April 2014, and during the mastectomy expanders will be placed. The expanders will be about half the size of my replacement implants to preserve the "space" while I heal from the surgery. After approximately two weeks, I will undergo a second surgery where the expanders will be replaced with the actual implants. Radiation will be in June 2014. It has been up in the air when radiation would occur, and they were first thinking I would need it prior to reconstruction, which doesn't provide cosmetically pleasing results and can cause infection issues, so I was REALLY hoping I wouldn't have to have radiation before reconstruction.
To some, this news may not seem like a big deal; but to me, this is fabulous news! I have been stressing a lot lately about how I'm going to look after this is all over. That may seem vain, but eventually, you have to stop worrying about cancer itself, and you become more concerned with simply living life again. There WILL come a time when I'm no longer getting chemo treatments and worrying about cancerous tumors in my breast, and I would really like to feel as normal as possible. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Today's news made me feel this IS possible. I feel as if today truly was an answer to my prayers. I truly feel God knows how much emotional turmoil has been inside of me worrying and thinking about this; and he made sure the issue was resolved today. I didn't ask for reassurance or for the plan to change. It happened by itself. Just God's plan to reassure me to stop worrying and have faith in him.
Today, I was reminded to let my faith be bigger than my worry.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Support--Put Your Listening Ears On
Providing Support Doesn't Always Mean Talking
A pet can't say a word to us, yet they have the ability to show us unconditional love and support. We can learn so much from our pets!
Remember when you were in grade school and your teacher would tell you "It's time to quiet our voices and put our listening ears on"? Remember the kid who never shut up, listened or seemed to hear anything the teacher was saying no matter how many times they were asked to be quiet and listen? That kid never put their listening ears on, and that kid eventually becomes an adult who still doesn't know how to be quiet and listen. To listen with their heart and not just their ears. Today, I want to talk about the value of being a listener rather than a talker when providing support for a loved one. Not just someone who is facing breast cancer or some other life threatening illness; but everyone can benefit from this. If they would only listen......
While this can apply to anyone at any stage of their life, I obviously am touching on this subject because of how it's affected me since I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. However, looking back over my life, I can certainly see where I could apply this to many aspects of my life. How I too could benefit from listening more and talking a lot less.
When someone needs helps, most of us are more than willing to lend a helping hand. Not just physically, but emotionally. However, the emotional side is the toughest. It's easy to show up and help someone for a few hours. It's a lot tougher to be there for them on a regular basis and support them from the emotional side. That truly takes effort and dedication. Which brings me to the question of "what is the definition of emotional support"? This definition likely varies based on who you are asking. Their gender, personality, beliefs, upbringing, and even age can affect how someone will answer this question. For example, the answer I would have provided ten years ago versus the answer I would give today are two very different answers. While I have a lot left to learn in this life, I feel I have not only witnessed the proverbial light bulb being turned on, but the wattage of the bulb has been amplified quite a bit. This blog is a result of one of those light bulb moments.
Since I have been diagnosed, I have been so very blessed with a large support system consisting of family, friends, co-workers, and community members. Those who see me every day and on a regular basis have truly had to deal with the effects my diagnosis has had on me. Regardless of how hard I try not to allow it to change or affect me, it does; and those closest to me see the effects. My stubbornness and desire to be strong is what makes it possible for me stand strong and fight this disease with a determination unlike anything I've ever had to face before. However, this is also my catalyst for disappointment and ultimately feeling alone inside myself. I do such a good job being strong and powering through every challenge that's thrown my way, people start assuming I do not need support and forget what I'm possibly hiding from the outside world. That I'm not as strong as I let on.
On the outside, I am facing my treatment and an impending mastectomy head on with strength and a desire to keep smiling. On the inside, I'm terrified. I find myself not talking about my fears and my deepest feelings for fear I will no longer appear so strong and capable. However, the few times I have attempted to share my fears and feelings, I've been met with responses and statements that while meant well, have not provided the support intended. Perhaps this will sound ungrateful to some; but please keep an open mind and continue to read. You just might have a light bulb moment soon.
I have found people generally do not know what to say in times of trouble when faced with life and death situations that are real and very scary. I'm certain I didn't--until now. Our standard reaction to a negative comment is to follow it with a positive comment as a form of support. For example, when someone hears "I have breast cancer, and I will lose all my hair as well as having to have a complete mastectomy", the typical response is "Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before; and boobs don't matter. They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over". This reaction, while well meaning, does nothing to support the person who has no choice but to face this situation. Why? Let's pick it apart.
Statement 1: Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before. Let's be honest, who WANTS to lose their hair and be bald? I do not look in the mirror and feel my hair makes me beautiful; but it certainly doesn't help my appearance to be bald either. I didn't want to lose my hair. I didn't have a damn choice. I do not find being bald beautiful. I do not enjoy wearing a wig to feel normal. It's a huge pain in the butt wearing it. I would much rather have my own hair on my head, and I miss it. I miss it terribly. I am not Demi Moore who was paid an obscene amount of money to shave her head for a movie role, so please do not compare me to her. Perhaps I would be a little happier about this if someone had given me a fat million dollar check; but since that's not happening, there is nothing really good about it! I'd much rather have my "unhealthy" hair than none at all.
Statement 2: Boobs don't matter. They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over. I really want to just immediately ask them if they REALLY believe this statement or is it just the only cliché saying they can come up with? Seriously, stop saying this to breast cancer patients. It doesn't help. In fact, it makes us feel worse. First, my boobs matter to me. Do they make me who I am or define me? No, but I liked them, and I'm angry I have to cut them off to save my life. Does it mean I won't choose to do it and walk around with murdering boobs on my chest? Heck no, but it doesn't make having to do it any easier! Yes, reconstruction is an option; but that doesn't make having to do this at the top of my list of things to do. It doesn't mean I won't be left with ugly scars--physically and emotionally. Reconstructed breasts after a mastectomy differ greatly from regular boobs. Google it before you make this statement. Breasts make a woman feel like a woman and clothing and swimwear is designed around breasts. Take a moment to read the magazines, look at television or a movie. Breasts are the focus on every female. We push them up to show off cleavage and we all learn from a very young age to appreciate the female breasts. Weather we admit it or not, boobs matter, so making this statement to a woman who isn't given the choice to keep her breasts is thoughtless.
Now that I've picked apart a statement nearly everyone who has spoken to a breast cancer patient has made, let me say, in my opinion, what your response should be. What would make me feel better. The best part is there are multiple options so you can take your pick.
Here's a shocker to many people--you don't have to have a positive response or answer to emotionally support someone. In fact, they likely don't expect you to have an answer or advice. Resist the urge to repeat cliché sayings, and simply be empathetic to their situation. Unless you yourself have been in their situation and experienced what they are experiencing, please do not try to offer advice or tell them how they should be feeling. Guess what? You don't know how they are feeling unless you've actually been there, and there is no better way to make them feel like they cannot share their innermost feelings than to cut them off and tell them what they should be feeling. What do I mean by this? For example, when I first found out I had breast cancer, I would be crying and very upset about my diagnosis, and many times I would hear "you have to be positive, and you need to be strong". Well, that's great advice, but what I really needed was for someone to let me cry, let me be mad, and let me have my own emotions by simply being there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. I find myself avoiding talking about how I feel simply because I do not want to be told how I should or shouldn't feel anymore. Ask yourself--do you give the advice because it's easier than dealing with the hurt and the pain your loved one is facing or because you truly believe what you're saying? Allow your loved one to truly lean on your emotionally by being there for them; and if you must offer advice or say something, tell them how much you love them, and do not pretend to understand something you aren't living.
Finally, remember that each time you cut off a loved one who is trying to express how they feel just to tell them how you think they should feel, you're preventing them from healing emotionally and sharing their feelings. You're encouraging them to keep their feelings to themselves and not include you in them. Why would they want to if you're going to tell them their feelings are wrong? There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. It may not be your way, but it's not right or wrong. We all deal with things differently; and your job is to allow them to deal with the situation they have no choice but to face. This was not something they asked for--it was given to them to face against their will. That means they aren't always going to be happy about it. It doesn't change the outcome or the decisions they make, but they need to express these feelings nonetheless.
In short, putting your listening ears on can be the best support you can possibly offer. Don't be the person who talks and never listens. Be the person who listens, understands, and offers hugs more than they offer advice. It's perfectly okay to say "I cannot begin to understand how you feel; but I'm going to love you regardless of how you look and feel". That simple statement can take the place of everything mentioned above, and is so much more powerful. No false pretenses, and no harsh statements. Just support.
Fighters, stay strong but cry when you need to.
Supporters, strive to be stronger than the person you are supporting, and it's okay to cry too.
Tears do not mean weakness.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
A pet can't say a word to us, yet they have the ability to show us unconditional love and support. We can learn so much from our pets!
Remember when you were in grade school and your teacher would tell you "It's time to quiet our voices and put our listening ears on"? Remember the kid who never shut up, listened or seemed to hear anything the teacher was saying no matter how many times they were asked to be quiet and listen? That kid never put their listening ears on, and that kid eventually becomes an adult who still doesn't know how to be quiet and listen. To listen with their heart and not just their ears. Today, I want to talk about the value of being a listener rather than a talker when providing support for a loved one. Not just someone who is facing breast cancer or some other life threatening illness; but everyone can benefit from this. If they would only listen......
While this can apply to anyone at any stage of their life, I obviously am touching on this subject because of how it's affected me since I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. However, looking back over my life, I can certainly see where I could apply this to many aspects of my life. How I too could benefit from listening more and talking a lot less.
When someone needs helps, most of us are more than willing to lend a helping hand. Not just physically, but emotionally. However, the emotional side is the toughest. It's easy to show up and help someone for a few hours. It's a lot tougher to be there for them on a regular basis and support them from the emotional side. That truly takes effort and dedication. Which brings me to the question of "what is the definition of emotional support"? This definition likely varies based on who you are asking. Their gender, personality, beliefs, upbringing, and even age can affect how someone will answer this question. For example, the answer I would have provided ten years ago versus the answer I would give today are two very different answers. While I have a lot left to learn in this life, I feel I have not only witnessed the proverbial light bulb being turned on, but the wattage of the bulb has been amplified quite a bit. This blog is a result of one of those light bulb moments.
Since I have been diagnosed, I have been so very blessed with a large support system consisting of family, friends, co-workers, and community members. Those who see me every day and on a regular basis have truly had to deal with the effects my diagnosis has had on me. Regardless of how hard I try not to allow it to change or affect me, it does; and those closest to me see the effects. My stubbornness and desire to be strong is what makes it possible for me stand strong and fight this disease with a determination unlike anything I've ever had to face before. However, this is also my catalyst for disappointment and ultimately feeling alone inside myself. I do such a good job being strong and powering through every challenge that's thrown my way, people start assuming I do not need support and forget what I'm possibly hiding from the outside world. That I'm not as strong as I let on.
On the outside, I am facing my treatment and an impending mastectomy head on with strength and a desire to keep smiling. On the inside, I'm terrified. I find myself not talking about my fears and my deepest feelings for fear I will no longer appear so strong and capable. However, the few times I have attempted to share my fears and feelings, I've been met with responses and statements that while meant well, have not provided the support intended. Perhaps this will sound ungrateful to some; but please keep an open mind and continue to read. You just might have a light bulb moment soon.
I have found people generally do not know what to say in times of trouble when faced with life and death situations that are real and very scary. I'm certain I didn't--until now. Our standard reaction to a negative comment is to follow it with a positive comment as a form of support. For example, when someone hears "I have breast cancer, and I will lose all my hair as well as having to have a complete mastectomy", the typical response is "Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before; and boobs don't matter. They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over". This reaction, while well meaning, does nothing to support the person who has no choice but to face this situation. Why? Let's pick it apart.
Statement 1: Don't worry--you're going to be beautiful bald, and it will probably grow back so much healthier than it was before. Let's be honest, who WANTS to lose their hair and be bald? I do not look in the mirror and feel my hair makes me beautiful; but it certainly doesn't help my appearance to be bald either. I didn't want to lose my hair. I didn't have a damn choice. I do not find being bald beautiful. I do not enjoy wearing a wig to feel normal. It's a huge pain in the butt wearing it. I would much rather have my own hair on my head, and I miss it. I miss it terribly. I am not Demi Moore who was paid an obscene amount of money to shave her head for a movie role, so please do not compare me to her. Perhaps I would be a little happier about this if someone had given me a fat million dollar check; but since that's not happening, there is nothing really good about it! I'd much rather have my "unhealthy" hair than none at all.
Statement 2: Boobs don't matter. They don't define you, and you will get reconstruction and look great when it's over. I really want to just immediately ask them if they REALLY believe this statement or is it just the only cliché saying they can come up with? Seriously, stop saying this to breast cancer patients. It doesn't help. In fact, it makes us feel worse. First, my boobs matter to me. Do they make me who I am or define me? No, but I liked them, and I'm angry I have to cut them off to save my life. Does it mean I won't choose to do it and walk around with murdering boobs on my chest? Heck no, but it doesn't make having to do it any easier! Yes, reconstruction is an option; but that doesn't make having to do this at the top of my list of things to do. It doesn't mean I won't be left with ugly scars--physically and emotionally. Reconstructed breasts after a mastectomy differ greatly from regular boobs. Google it before you make this statement. Breasts make a woman feel like a woman and clothing and swimwear is designed around breasts. Take a moment to read the magazines, look at television or a movie. Breasts are the focus on every female. We push them up to show off cleavage and we all learn from a very young age to appreciate the female breasts. Weather we admit it or not, boobs matter, so making this statement to a woman who isn't given the choice to keep her breasts is thoughtless.
Now that I've picked apart a statement nearly everyone who has spoken to a breast cancer patient has made, let me say, in my opinion, what your response should be. What would make me feel better. The best part is there are multiple options so you can take your pick.
Here's a shocker to many people--you don't have to have a positive response or answer to emotionally support someone. In fact, they likely don't expect you to have an answer or advice. Resist the urge to repeat cliché sayings, and simply be empathetic to their situation. Unless you yourself have been in their situation and experienced what they are experiencing, please do not try to offer advice or tell them how they should be feeling. Guess what? You don't know how they are feeling unless you've actually been there, and there is no better way to make them feel like they cannot share their innermost feelings than to cut them off and tell them what they should be feeling. What do I mean by this? For example, when I first found out I had breast cancer, I would be crying and very upset about my diagnosis, and many times I would hear "you have to be positive, and you need to be strong". Well, that's great advice, but what I really needed was for someone to let me cry, let me be mad, and let me have my own emotions by simply being there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. I find myself avoiding talking about how I feel simply because I do not want to be told how I should or shouldn't feel anymore. Ask yourself--do you give the advice because it's easier than dealing with the hurt and the pain your loved one is facing or because you truly believe what you're saying? Allow your loved one to truly lean on your emotionally by being there for them; and if you must offer advice or say something, tell them how much you love them, and do not pretend to understand something you aren't living.
Finally, remember that each time you cut off a loved one who is trying to express how they feel just to tell them how you think they should feel, you're preventing them from healing emotionally and sharing their feelings. You're encouraging them to keep their feelings to themselves and not include you in them. Why would they want to if you're going to tell them their feelings are wrong? There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. It may not be your way, but it's not right or wrong. We all deal with things differently; and your job is to allow them to deal with the situation they have no choice but to face. This was not something they asked for--it was given to them to face against their will. That means they aren't always going to be happy about it. It doesn't change the outcome or the decisions they make, but they need to express these feelings nonetheless.
In short, putting your listening ears on can be the best support you can possibly offer. Don't be the person who talks and never listens. Be the person who listens, understands, and offers hugs more than they offer advice. It's perfectly okay to say "I cannot begin to understand how you feel; but I'm going to love you regardless of how you look and feel". That simple statement can take the place of everything mentioned above, and is so much more powerful. No false pretenses, and no harsh statements. Just support.
Fighters, stay strong but cry when you need to.
Supporters, strive to be stronger than the person you are supporting, and it's okay to cry too.
Tears do not mean weakness.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Chemo Dose 8/12--Taxol
TREATMENT--I HAVE COMPLETED THE HALF WAY MARK!
On December 12, 2013, I had my eighth dose of Taxol. I'm scheduled for 12 doses of Taxol, and 4 doses of another type; therefore, this marked my half way point for all my chemo! Not only did I celebrate my half way point, but I had been feeling amazingly good for two days prior to my chemo appointment. Not just a little better, but more energetic and an overall feeling of good I hadn't felt in a very long time. Long before I even knew I had breast cancer. I wasn't sure why I felt so good, but I was enjoying every moment. I discovered why I felt so good at my appointment.
As they do each week, I had labs drawn before my chemo was released. All of my labs revealed my blood counts were all as high or higher than they were before I had my first treatment. My chemo nurses were all quite shocked and said it's unheard of for a patient to have labs with blood work that's higher than before they began at half way through their treatment. My white blood counts was 6.5 before my first treatment; and it was 6.9 on the day of my eight treatment. I wanted to stand up and do a little dance when I read my lab results. I knew I had been feeling really good, and the labs proved to me it wasn't in my head. I REALLY was feeling good, and this proved it. Remember my blog when I said I expected a lot of myself and I wanted to be the best patient with the best outcome? Yep, this would be my body stepping up to the plate and doing exactly what I expect of it!
In all honestly, I give God all the glory. I truly believe God is watching over me every step during this process. I am not a super human, and my body is as fragile as the next person no matter what expectations I may have on it. God has chosen to allow me to stand in this fight, and I feel God is standing beside me and holding me up every step of the way. Having labs as good as what I saw yesterday can only be attributed to a small miracle that's the work of an awesome God wanting to show he works miracles today just as he did in the Bible. In addition to some amazing lab results, I'm happy to report the tumor is continuing to shrink. It's tough for me to give a report on the size of it now because it's THAT small now. It's tough to estimate what size it is because it's tough to find it. I have to somewhat pinch my breast tissue in the general location to even find it now. I have some fatty tissue in that area as well, so it's getting tough to tell the difference between the fatty tissue and the tumor itself. It's very clear to me how I missed this tumor in the early stages before it became hard and visibly obvious. I KNOW I have breast cancer, and I have trouble telling what is what now.
My son, Scott, took me to my appointment. Like always, we had a good time hanging out together and catching up. Between my work schedule and his school and work schedules, we do not see much of one another. Usually, when he's home, I'm in bed. Of my eight appointments, Scott has taken me to the most. He's always willing to rearrange his schedule any time I need someone to take me. He had a college final at 6 p.m.; and he got permission from his professor to arrive late so he could take me to my appointment. His professor was very understanding and allowed him to arrive late. Scott brought me home after a long day of driving, sitting at the treatment facility, and driving back home just to drive back to his school for his final. I'm so very thankful for all my children and the efforts they have all made to help me during this difficult time in my life. My children have truly been my reason for fighting this and staying so strong. I feel so very blessed to have such amazing children who love me.
I am happy to report my IV wasn't a problem this week. Although the nurse who started it is fairly new, she got it on the first try. I would say she has a future as a pro at starting IV's. Although I was told last week my veins are getting a little tough, I am happy to report that isn't the case and like I suspected, it was more of a case of the person administering the IV and not my veins! Making it half way through my treatment without a port is quite the accomplishment as everyone said I should get a port. I am glad I didn't follow everyone's advice and followed my own instincts. As I've stated before, I am the one who has to deal with it every single day, and it's simply not what I wanted. I feel it's a personal decision. If I found myself having medical issues during my treatment, and I felt a port was necessary to ensure my health was a priority, I would certainly make the decision to get a port; but I do not feel that's been an issue up to this point.
Since I am half way through my treatment, I want to touch base on side effects I've had up to this point. The list isn't very long, so it won't take me long. I feel so very fortunate to report that I have tolerated my treatment very well so far. I cannot say why I have tolerated treatment so well; but I am so thankful I have. I have continued to work full time (taking a day off here and there as needed for rest). I have had some issues with neuropathy in my hands. It started as a burning sensation in my hands. They told me to look for numbness; but I felt it was more of a burning or stinging feeling. I previously took Gabapentin for restless leg syndrome (before treatment). They increased my medication from 100 mg to 200 mb to help with the symptoms of the neuropathy. The increase has helped a lot. I still get periodic episodes, but they do not last as long. I've also had bone pain and body aches. I have had this since my first treatment. I would compare this to the body aches associated with the worst flu you've ever had. I take Tylenol as needed for the pain, and that seems to do the trick. It's usually the worst the first three to four days after an infusion. I've had issues with constipation as well. I've always had problems with this so I cannot say this is related to my treatment at all. I had an allergic reaction on my six treatment so I had to begin getting steroid shots before each treatment again. Unfortunately, that means breakouts and acne again. The steroids cause the worst acne imaginable. I take Solodyn (55 mg) each day to manage the acne as well as a daily face wash of Salex (salic acid) prescribed by a dermatologist. This REALLY helps keep the acne at a manageable level so I highly recommend this! It's worth a visit to your dermatologist because the acne isn't just on your face. It's on your chest and back too. I've had one major episode of hot flashes which began the night of my sixth treatment and lasted all night, but I haven't had any further issues with that. I hope that remains the case because that truly sucked!
The final side effect I've noticed is chemo brain. I must say it's VERY frustrating. I thought perhaps this was a joke or one of those mind over matter issues. I get so angry because I truly struggle to remember a word or how to spell something quite often. Anyone that knows me knows this is completely out of character for me. I have got to the point where I just laugh about it, and everyone at work and home knows not to make a big fuss over me forgetting simple things now. I can only say to make yourself a lot of notes and overuse your calendar on your phone. You're going to need it!
I had the worst night of sleep of my life last night, which I'm guessing is due to the steroid shot. I've had plenty of steroid shots in the past, but it seemed to affect me more last night. I am guessing I had a total of four hours of sleep last night, and that was likely in about 30 minute intervals. That was with 10 mg's of Ambien, so I can't even imagine what last night would have been like without Ambien. I've felt very good all day today, and I hope this continues. I have an evening planned with my girlfriends tomorrow night. A girls sleepover at my friend, Carly's, house to just hang out, laugh, and catch up. We've all been very busy and haven't had time to hang out together for quite a long time, so all of us are looking forward to it. Hopefully, I do not get too tired and fall asleep first!
It's hard to believe I'm half way through my treatment already. It seems like just yesterday I was being given the hideous news I had breast cancer, so I'm relieved to say my treatment seems to be going fast. I am okay with that as there is nothing I want more than to be cancer free and move on with my life. I know I still have a very long road ahead of me, but at this stage, I will take whatever wins I can get in stages. Baby steps, it's all about baby steps. One success at a time. Setting small goals and meeting them one at a time.
Have a blessed evening and hug your babies and loved ones.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Body Image, Self Confidence, and Intimacy
I normally blog twice per week. Once after each chemo session to provide an update on my treatment and another about a topic that has been on my mind or comes to my attention during that week. It's been a week since my last treatment, and I have not posted an additional blog since then. Not because I haven't wanted to. But because I have been trying to allow the topic to come to me naturally rather than it be a forced topic. I find I'm able to write more freely when the topic is near and dear to me rather than something to just write about for the sake of writing.
Which brings me to today's topic. I want to talk about self confidence, body image, intimacy and breast cancer. Yeah, this is a tough topic, and I'm putting it all out there for the world to see. My personal feelings and my personal, intimate life stripped bare for everyone to read and know about. To me, it's not much different than standing naked in a crowd. Most people keep their intimate or private life, well, private. However, in order for me to ensure I talk about the topics that truly affect someone with cancer, I cannot keep a topic such as this private and not talk about it. If I don't discuss it, there are many people who are reading my blog who are looking for guidance or reassurance I am doing a disservice to. How do I know this? Because I myself have read many blogs and websites since I found out I have cancer, and this topic is skimmed over or not discussed at all. I understand why. It's a tough topic to discuss without offending your partner. Therefore, from the start, I want to state up front I am not speaking badly of my husband or pointing fingers about things I feel he is or is not doing right. I am simply stating how I feel inside on this subject. Just because I feel a particular way doesn't reflect on anyone else. Often times, how we feel inside is a reflection of our own insecurities.
Prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel my level of self confidence was average or above average. I felt sexy, attractive, and I was confident in my own skin. I could confidently put on a bikini and not be ashamed of my body. In fact, I was proud of how I looked considering my age and having three children. While I did not believe I was the most attractive woman around, I felt good about myself and my appearance. I never worried about keeping my husband's attention, if he was looking at other women, or if he would be tempted to cheat. I would wear sexy lingerie or parade around the bedroom in a sexy bra with matching panties without a second thought and feel 100% like a confident woman. I was comfortable with and without clothing. I felt like a woman--an attractive, sexy, desirable woman. My husband never hesitated to show affection or his desire for me, and I never hesitated to confidently flaunt myself to him.
One word changed all of that--cancer. Am I still the same woman I was before I knew? Yes, I am the same exact person I was prior to that fateful diagnosis. On the outside, my body is still exactly the same. But on the inside, everything has changed. We've all heard the cliche saying that being sexy is largely a state of mind. If you FEEL sexy, people will pick up on that and perceive you as sexy. I can say with 100% certainty this is true. A runway model does not shyly walk down the runway with her eyes cast downward thinking she is fat and ugly. She struts down the runway as if she's the hottest woman in the room making eye contact with an air of sexiness that cannot be denied. Her attitude and demeanor is what people see before they actually look at her as a person. Hearing the word cancer changed how I view myself to such a large degree it turned my world upside down. Up became down and down became up.
Since my diagnosis, my life has been consumed with one appointment after another. Especially the first three weeks. My focus is making sure I don't miss a single appointment, treatment plans, and saving my life. I've had two large biopsies--one on each breast, which each left a small scar on my breast. Additionally, I've had a sentinal node biopsy under my left arm, which resulted in the removal of 15 lymph nodes. The scar beneath my arm is about 1.5 inches long, so it left a rather large scar. My arm aches as well as my armpit, and the side of my breast on that side. My tumor was over 5 cm and in the 12 O'clock position and visibly obvious. After the biopsies, both of my breasts were bruised and discolored. The bruises remain where the tumor is located. Every time I look in the mirror when I do not have on clothes, I see bruises, scars, and tumors. I do not see my body any longer. I see cancer. When I look at my breast, I want to look at them the way I used to. To wear a shirt that shows of cleavage and makes me feel like a woman, but each time I try to force myself, I find myself wearing a scarf or something to cover them. They feel ugly now although in reality they haven't changed. In fact, they look better than they did in August because the tumor is no longer visible to the naked eye, and it can barely be felt. Being diagnosed with breast cancer has severely altered my self confidence and how I view my body.
In addition to the many changes in how I view my body, I've also had to deal with the loss of my hair. While this may not seem like a big deal to many, I can assure you it plays a very big part in your appearance and your self confidence. It is very difficult to feel sexy with a bald head, missing eyebrows and thinning eyelashes. I can put on makeup and hide the fact that my eyebrows are missing and make myself look exactly the same as I did before. I can wear a wig while out in public that looks very much like my real hair. Most people don't know I'm wearing a wig unless I tell them. But at the end of the day, I have to take the wig off (it's itchy, and I often can't wait to take it off), and I have to wash off the makeup. Then I have to face myself in the mirror. Women have a hard time letting the person they care about see them without makeup or first thing in the morning because it's who you really are without hiding behind makeup and perfectly styled hair. However, when you are missing the hair, it's even more difficult. I have to face this side of myself every time I come home. It's what my husband sees every evening. Not the person everyone sees at work or at a basketball game. They see the person I used to be. The person I miss so very much. When I'm fixed up, I feel normal; but the minute I come home and take off my mask of makeup and remove my wig, I look in the mirror, and I have to face all over again my true appearance.
When a woman doesn't feel sexy, it affects every part of her intimate life. I suppose I shouldn't say "when a woman" because I cannot speak for all women; but I can personally say my sexual desire is directly related to my self confidence and body image. This brings me to the topic of sex. This is a very difficult topic to discuss. First because I do not not to hurt my husband, but also because I do not want to embarrass my children. I will attempt to discuss this topic while maintaining a sense of being thoughtful to those around me while still doing the topic justice. To anyone I may offend, I apologize; but I ask that you remember this is MY blog, my thoughts, and my feelings.
Since I no longer feel sexy, I know I do not ACT sexy. One may ask, how does a person act sexy? It's difficult to explain as it's more of a feeling than an act. Just as the model can walk down the runway with an air of confidence making everyone feel she's sexy (even if she's wearing the ugliest clothing item available), a woman in a relationship acts sexy or sends off those signals that make her partner approach her for intimacy. It's that sense of feeling and being desirable. It's a look, a smile, and a feeling. Without realizing it, she sends signals to her partner she desires intimacy, and her partner reciprocates. When a diagnoses affects one's confidence as I feel I have experienced, it directly affects her intimate life as well. Which in turn causes her partner to cease attempts at intimacy. As difficult as it is to be the one with cancer, it's also very difficult for the person who is the spouse or partner of the cancer patient. They must somehow know all the right things to say, all the right times to say them, when to approach their partner for intimacy without seeming insensitive or thoughtless and when to simply hold them without wanting intimacy.
Since my diagnosis, I have often felt very alone. Not because I'm alone. I have many people in my life who love me and have been there for me. But because of how I feel inside. I have experienced a death in my life. The death of my self confidence and my former self. I liked who I was, so letting go of it and accepting a new me isn't easy. Not only do I miss my former life, I am forced to accept a new one I did not choose. One that has taken away part of my identity and left me feeling as if I don't know who I am anymore. It has also left me feeling very alone in my marriage. I no longer feel like a sexy, desirable woman whose husband finds her attractive and desirable. I often find myself going to bed before my husband, which means I'm asleep when he comes to bed. I get tired early. It's often difficult for me to stay up as late as he wants to. My body often aches and hurts from the chemotherapy. After working all day, I often cannot wait to get home and curl up on the couch or in bed. I sit on the couch and try to watch television with my family; but I find myself falling asleep and wanting to be in bed where I can simply fall asleep and forget this breast cancer nightmare. I awake in the middle of the night or the following morning to find myself still alone in bed. My husband fell asleep on the couch watching television. Or if he came to bed, I don't remember it because I was already asleep. I find myself thinking back to our life before cancer. We always went to bed together. We would always lay in bed and talk and cuddle, which often led to more. Now we often lay in bed saying nothing and barely touching. I hate cancer for all the negative things it has brought into my life, but I hate how it's made me feel in my marriage. I want my husband to want me. I want him to show me he still desires me, so I say nothing. I feel this is a normal reaction. No one wants to ask to be wanted. If you have to ask, it doesn't feel real. I realize my husband is dealing with his own set of issues related to my illness; and I try very hard to be sensitive to this. I feel this too shall pass. I know it's a very common issue in a marriage when dealing with a life threatening illness. The best advice I can give anyone who is reading who is in the supportive role of someone facing an illness such as breast cancer is to reassure them daily how much you love them. Not only with words; but with your actions as well. Telling them you still find them attractive, beautiful and sexy isn't enough. You have to show them as well. This means making sure you are keeping up the same routines and actions you had prior to the illness. There is a fine line between wanting sex at inappropriate times in a relationship and wanting intimacy with your partner because it's an emotional connection between two people unlike any other that can make your partner feel your love for them. Words are important; but so are actions.
Finally, I am facing losing my breasts. I will have a complete mastectomy in or around April 2014. The idea of how this will additionally affect my self confidence is almost more than I can comprehend. I try to enjoy what time I have left with my breast (as silly as that may sound); but it's difficult. Yes, I will get reconstruction, but that's a slow process as I have to have radiation in between the mastectomy and reconstruction. Reconstruction isn't like going in to get implants where you leave the hospital with perky new boobs. It's a slow, gradual process. Painstakingly slow. And a mastectomy means the complete loss of your nipples. Even with reconstruction, they will always be a butchered shadow of their former self.
Having said all of this, I realize these are all measures I must take to save my life. And I do them ALL willingly so I may continue to be a mother to my children and watch them grow up. To someday enjoy grandchildren. I realize I am blessed to have these options available to me so as to give me hope for a longer life. And I am grateful to God for the knowledge he has given my physicians so I have hope. But it doesn't make any of this any easier. It doesn't make looking in the mirror and feeling good about myself any easier. I hate feeling self conscious and insecure. It's not a feeling I'm accustomed to feeling. Lack of self confidence is foreign to me. However, I know over time I will build up my self confidence in a way that isn't dependent on my appearance. I feel we all have a purpose in life--something we are destined to learn. Perhaps mine is the ability to be self confident without relying on my image or appearance. Because I know I have no choice, I WILL attain this. And I do hope someone out there reading this can identify with this post. I hope they will not feel alone simply knowing someone else too felt this way at one point.
God Bless and much love.
Fight and be fierce
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Which brings me to today's topic. I want to talk about self confidence, body image, intimacy and breast cancer. Yeah, this is a tough topic, and I'm putting it all out there for the world to see. My personal feelings and my personal, intimate life stripped bare for everyone to read and know about. To me, it's not much different than standing naked in a crowd. Most people keep their intimate or private life, well, private. However, in order for me to ensure I talk about the topics that truly affect someone with cancer, I cannot keep a topic such as this private and not talk about it. If I don't discuss it, there are many people who are reading my blog who are looking for guidance or reassurance I am doing a disservice to. How do I know this? Because I myself have read many blogs and websites since I found out I have cancer, and this topic is skimmed over or not discussed at all. I understand why. It's a tough topic to discuss without offending your partner. Therefore, from the start, I want to state up front I am not speaking badly of my husband or pointing fingers about things I feel he is or is not doing right. I am simply stating how I feel inside on this subject. Just because I feel a particular way doesn't reflect on anyone else. Often times, how we feel inside is a reflection of our own insecurities.
Prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel my level of self confidence was average or above average. I felt sexy, attractive, and I was confident in my own skin. I could confidently put on a bikini and not be ashamed of my body. In fact, I was proud of how I looked considering my age and having three children. While I did not believe I was the most attractive woman around, I felt good about myself and my appearance. I never worried about keeping my husband's attention, if he was looking at other women, or if he would be tempted to cheat. I would wear sexy lingerie or parade around the bedroom in a sexy bra with matching panties without a second thought and feel 100% like a confident woman. I was comfortable with and without clothing. I felt like a woman--an attractive, sexy, desirable woman. My husband never hesitated to show affection or his desire for me, and I never hesitated to confidently flaunt myself to him.
One word changed all of that--cancer. Am I still the same woman I was before I knew? Yes, I am the same exact person I was prior to that fateful diagnosis. On the outside, my body is still exactly the same. But on the inside, everything has changed. We've all heard the cliche saying that being sexy is largely a state of mind. If you FEEL sexy, people will pick up on that and perceive you as sexy. I can say with 100% certainty this is true. A runway model does not shyly walk down the runway with her eyes cast downward thinking she is fat and ugly. She struts down the runway as if she's the hottest woman in the room making eye contact with an air of sexiness that cannot be denied. Her attitude and demeanor is what people see before they actually look at her as a person. Hearing the word cancer changed how I view myself to such a large degree it turned my world upside down. Up became down and down became up.
Since my diagnosis, my life has been consumed with one appointment after another. Especially the first three weeks. My focus is making sure I don't miss a single appointment, treatment plans, and saving my life. I've had two large biopsies--one on each breast, which each left a small scar on my breast. Additionally, I've had a sentinal node biopsy under my left arm, which resulted in the removal of 15 lymph nodes. The scar beneath my arm is about 1.5 inches long, so it left a rather large scar. My arm aches as well as my armpit, and the side of my breast on that side. My tumor was over 5 cm and in the 12 O'clock position and visibly obvious. After the biopsies, both of my breasts were bruised and discolored. The bruises remain where the tumor is located. Every time I look in the mirror when I do not have on clothes, I see bruises, scars, and tumors. I do not see my body any longer. I see cancer. When I look at my breast, I want to look at them the way I used to. To wear a shirt that shows of cleavage and makes me feel like a woman, but each time I try to force myself, I find myself wearing a scarf or something to cover them. They feel ugly now although in reality they haven't changed. In fact, they look better than they did in August because the tumor is no longer visible to the naked eye, and it can barely be felt. Being diagnosed with breast cancer has severely altered my self confidence and how I view my body.
In addition to the many changes in how I view my body, I've also had to deal with the loss of my hair. While this may not seem like a big deal to many, I can assure you it plays a very big part in your appearance and your self confidence. It is very difficult to feel sexy with a bald head, missing eyebrows and thinning eyelashes. I can put on makeup and hide the fact that my eyebrows are missing and make myself look exactly the same as I did before. I can wear a wig while out in public that looks very much like my real hair. Most people don't know I'm wearing a wig unless I tell them. But at the end of the day, I have to take the wig off (it's itchy, and I often can't wait to take it off), and I have to wash off the makeup. Then I have to face myself in the mirror. Women have a hard time letting the person they care about see them without makeup or first thing in the morning because it's who you really are without hiding behind makeup and perfectly styled hair. However, when you are missing the hair, it's even more difficult. I have to face this side of myself every time I come home. It's what my husband sees every evening. Not the person everyone sees at work or at a basketball game. They see the person I used to be. The person I miss so very much. When I'm fixed up, I feel normal; but the minute I come home and take off my mask of makeup and remove my wig, I look in the mirror, and I have to face all over again my true appearance.
When a woman doesn't feel sexy, it affects every part of her intimate life. I suppose I shouldn't say "when a woman" because I cannot speak for all women; but I can personally say my sexual desire is directly related to my self confidence and body image. This brings me to the topic of sex. This is a very difficult topic to discuss. First because I do not not to hurt my husband, but also because I do not want to embarrass my children. I will attempt to discuss this topic while maintaining a sense of being thoughtful to those around me while still doing the topic justice. To anyone I may offend, I apologize; but I ask that you remember this is MY blog, my thoughts, and my feelings.
Since I no longer feel sexy, I know I do not ACT sexy. One may ask, how does a person act sexy? It's difficult to explain as it's more of a feeling than an act. Just as the model can walk down the runway with an air of confidence making everyone feel she's sexy (even if she's wearing the ugliest clothing item available), a woman in a relationship acts sexy or sends off those signals that make her partner approach her for intimacy. It's that sense of feeling and being desirable. It's a look, a smile, and a feeling. Without realizing it, she sends signals to her partner she desires intimacy, and her partner reciprocates. When a diagnoses affects one's confidence as I feel I have experienced, it directly affects her intimate life as well. Which in turn causes her partner to cease attempts at intimacy. As difficult as it is to be the one with cancer, it's also very difficult for the person who is the spouse or partner of the cancer patient. They must somehow know all the right things to say, all the right times to say them, when to approach their partner for intimacy without seeming insensitive or thoughtless and when to simply hold them without wanting intimacy.
Since my diagnosis, I have often felt very alone. Not because I'm alone. I have many people in my life who love me and have been there for me. But because of how I feel inside. I have experienced a death in my life. The death of my self confidence and my former self. I liked who I was, so letting go of it and accepting a new me isn't easy. Not only do I miss my former life, I am forced to accept a new one I did not choose. One that has taken away part of my identity and left me feeling as if I don't know who I am anymore. It has also left me feeling very alone in my marriage. I no longer feel like a sexy, desirable woman whose husband finds her attractive and desirable. I often find myself going to bed before my husband, which means I'm asleep when he comes to bed. I get tired early. It's often difficult for me to stay up as late as he wants to. My body often aches and hurts from the chemotherapy. After working all day, I often cannot wait to get home and curl up on the couch or in bed. I sit on the couch and try to watch television with my family; but I find myself falling asleep and wanting to be in bed where I can simply fall asleep and forget this breast cancer nightmare. I awake in the middle of the night or the following morning to find myself still alone in bed. My husband fell asleep on the couch watching television. Or if he came to bed, I don't remember it because I was already asleep. I find myself thinking back to our life before cancer. We always went to bed together. We would always lay in bed and talk and cuddle, which often led to more. Now we often lay in bed saying nothing and barely touching. I hate cancer for all the negative things it has brought into my life, but I hate how it's made me feel in my marriage. I want my husband to want me. I want him to show me he still desires me, so I say nothing. I feel this is a normal reaction. No one wants to ask to be wanted. If you have to ask, it doesn't feel real. I realize my husband is dealing with his own set of issues related to my illness; and I try very hard to be sensitive to this. I feel this too shall pass. I know it's a very common issue in a marriage when dealing with a life threatening illness. The best advice I can give anyone who is reading who is in the supportive role of someone facing an illness such as breast cancer is to reassure them daily how much you love them. Not only with words; but with your actions as well. Telling them you still find them attractive, beautiful and sexy isn't enough. You have to show them as well. This means making sure you are keeping up the same routines and actions you had prior to the illness. There is a fine line between wanting sex at inappropriate times in a relationship and wanting intimacy with your partner because it's an emotional connection between two people unlike any other that can make your partner feel your love for them. Words are important; but so are actions.
Finally, I am facing losing my breasts. I will have a complete mastectomy in or around April 2014. The idea of how this will additionally affect my self confidence is almost more than I can comprehend. I try to enjoy what time I have left with my breast (as silly as that may sound); but it's difficult. Yes, I will get reconstruction, but that's a slow process as I have to have radiation in between the mastectomy and reconstruction. Reconstruction isn't like going in to get implants where you leave the hospital with perky new boobs. It's a slow, gradual process. Painstakingly slow. And a mastectomy means the complete loss of your nipples. Even with reconstruction, they will always be a butchered shadow of their former self.
Having said all of this, I realize these are all measures I must take to save my life. And I do them ALL willingly so I may continue to be a mother to my children and watch them grow up. To someday enjoy grandchildren. I realize I am blessed to have these options available to me so as to give me hope for a longer life. And I am grateful to God for the knowledge he has given my physicians so I have hope. But it doesn't make any of this any easier. It doesn't make looking in the mirror and feeling good about myself any easier. I hate feeling self conscious and insecure. It's not a feeling I'm accustomed to feeling. Lack of self confidence is foreign to me. However, I know over time I will build up my self confidence in a way that isn't dependent on my appearance. I feel we all have a purpose in life--something we are destined to learn. Perhaps mine is the ability to be self confident without relying on my image or appearance. Because I know I have no choice, I WILL attain this. And I do hope someone out there reading this can identify with this post. I hope they will not feel alone simply knowing someone else too felt this way at one point.
God Bless and much love.
Fight and be fierce
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
Chemo Dose 7/12--Taxol
Keeping Up The Fight!
I had my seventh does of Taxol yesterday, December 2, 2013. My friend, Missy Frechette, took me to my appointment. Missy and I have known one another since the winter of 2009. How we met is quite an interesting story, and I can only say it can only be God's plan that we became friends. You see, I only met Missy because I began dating her ex-husband. My relationship with her ex-husband was one of constant turmoil and pain, and through heartache and common ground, we became friends. We shared a common bond and understanding between women that only two women who have been in such a relationship can truly understand. While dating her ex-husband, I became close to his and Missy's children. Their youngest wasn't quite a year old when I met him. I was there when he took his first steps encouraging him he could do it. I changed many of his diapers and sat up with him in the middle of the night. Little did I know I was forming a bond with these children that would continue long after my relationship had ended. I found Missy to be a good friend who understood that not talking every day doesn't mean you're no longer friends. It simply means you're a busy mom with a lot on her plate! I have watched Missy struggle as a single parent and put herself through college graduating from Ohio University (where I also work) with her bachelors degree. She too is a fighter. Fighters come in all forms, and I am so very proud of her for achieving her goals in spite of the odds, and I'm proud to call her my friend.
My first appointment was at 11 a.m, but we arrived about 9:30. I wanted to pick up a new wig I had ordered that was a bit shorter than my current one. Missy and I had fun trying on hats while we were waiting on the stylist to steam the wig so it parted on the correct side. We tried on about every hat in the store, took silly photos, and laughed--a lot. At one point, we were signing and dancing in front of the mirror. It felt good to laugh!
Having said all this, my chemo went fine. I also had a check-up with my oncologist's assistant. She checked Diablo the tumor and had trouble even finding him. I had to show her how to press and pinch to feel him, and she too was amazed at how much it's shrunk already! The size of my tumor is still a decent size, but it's hard to find because it's deep but not that wide. It's also soft now. So it's easy to miss. This simply shows how deceitful cancer can be. How easy it is to miss. I know there is a cancerous tumor there; yet, even a trained physician's assistant had trouble locating it. You have to know exactly how to press and feel to find it now. This further shows how important it is to check your breasts regularly. No one knows your breasts like YOU, and only you will recognize a change quickly before it's so large and obvious it's had time to spread.
I had to be stuck three times yesterday for my IV. The first time, she didn't push the catheter into my vein all the way before removing the needle, and my vein rolled. I knew it was going to happen as I watched her do it. The second stick, she actually got the IV started fine, and she drew blood. She taped up my IV, and I saw my doctor. By the time I got to the Chemo area, the IV must have moved. Again, the catheter was partially exposed, so it simply left wiggle room. It was in the bend of my arm, so I'm not surprised it moved. Two hours passed from the time she started it and when I made it to the Chemo department. When the nurse began injecting the steroid in my IV, it burned really bad, and I said "Ouch" without even thinking. She knew right away the IV was in my tissue and not my vein. So, I was stuck a third time, and this one was fine. They ended up in the top of my hand, which is my least favorite place. It just hurts there. And my vein always blows when they remove the IV. I have tiny veins, so it's no surprise. The chemo nurse made me sit there for a good 20 minutes after my chemo was complete to flush my vein this time. She said my veins are seeing some wear. I suppose I'm very stubborn because I disagree. I refuse to believe that my veins are well behaved for some nurses and naughty for others!
As I mentioned above, I had to receive steroids prior to my chemo again this week thanks to last weeks allergic reaction. I truly hate how the steroids make me feel. I feel so jittery and hyper all day. Extra energy is nice, but not in the drug induced form. At least not to me. I am normally ready for bed about 9 p.m., and I was wide awake at 10:30 p.m. last night. About 9:30 p.m, I was sitting on the couch, and I had the worst hot flash of my life. It was unlike any hot flash I've ever felt before. The minute it started, I knew what it was. I had been warned about chemo throwing me into early menopause, so I recognized it for what it was. I've had a hot flash before, but this was totally different. This felt like a wave of extreme heat slowly moving through my body. I had wondered if I was menopausal prior to Chemo, and last night's events confirmed I was NOT because I surly would have recognized that. I went to bed hoping that would be the one and only case--wrong. I knew I would have difficulty sleeping thanks to the steroid, so I took two of my Ambien (5 mg each) rather than the one I normally take. I was told when they prescribed I could take two, but I only take one as it seems to do the trick for me. If you can't tell--I really hate taking medication! One Ambien normally knocks me out for the night. A small earthquake wouldn't wake me up. So taking two and still waking up all night shows how much the steroids affect me. Plus, I woke up constantly through the night with hot flashes. I alternated between hot and cold all night long. It makes for a very restless night, and it's quite frustrating!
I also spoke to my doctor about some periods of neuropathy in my hands. I have periods lasting about an hour per day where my hands sting and burn. It's a strange feeling. They warn you to watch for numbness in your hands, but it doesn't feel like numbness at first. To me, it felt like my hands were very dry and chapped, and they would burn/sting. I have noticed that when I carry things or grip something, it tends to bring it on. So my advice is to let others carry heavy items and limit gripping things if you can!
I feel things are going very well for me at this time. I alternate daily between feeling good about where I am with treatment and dealing with the fact that I have breast cancer and feeling very down. I feel I am struggling with a bit of depression, and that's very hard for me to admit. It doesn't help it's dark outside at 5 p.m., and I am NOT a fan of cold weather. I've always had a lot more energy in the summer than in the winter, and I feel my health issues have compounded that a bit. I realize there are medications available to me to help with this, but I do not feel this is the answer. I feel it's simply a case of mind over matter, and I refuse to deal with this any other way besides determination and fighting back. I will not allow this to beat me physically or mentally, so I feel I must remain strong. That means not allowing sad feelings to get the best of me and pushing forward in my life. Breast cancer as taught me we truly are not guaranteed tomorrow and we do not know how long we have. It is my goal to enjoy every moment of this life I have and not worry about how much of it is left. No matter how often those thoughts creep into my mind. It's simply not a healthy way to live day to day.
Be fierce in your life. You only get one.
Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.
I had my seventh does of Taxol yesterday, December 2, 2013. My friend, Missy Frechette, took me to my appointment. Missy and I have known one another since the winter of 2009. How we met is quite an interesting story, and I can only say it can only be God's plan that we became friends. You see, I only met Missy because I began dating her ex-husband. My relationship with her ex-husband was one of constant turmoil and pain, and through heartache and common ground, we became friends. We shared a common bond and understanding between women that only two women who have been in such a relationship can truly understand. While dating her ex-husband, I became close to his and Missy's children. Their youngest wasn't quite a year old when I met him. I was there when he took his first steps encouraging him he could do it. I changed many of his diapers and sat up with him in the middle of the night. Little did I know I was forming a bond with these children that would continue long after my relationship had ended. I found Missy to be a good friend who understood that not talking every day doesn't mean you're no longer friends. It simply means you're a busy mom with a lot on her plate! I have watched Missy struggle as a single parent and put herself through college graduating from Ohio University (where I also work) with her bachelors degree. She too is a fighter. Fighters come in all forms, and I am so very proud of her for achieving her goals in spite of the odds, and I'm proud to call her my friend.
My first appointment was at 11 a.m, but we arrived about 9:30. I wanted to pick up a new wig I had ordered that was a bit shorter than my current one. Missy and I had fun trying on hats while we were waiting on the stylist to steam the wig so it parted on the correct side. We tried on about every hat in the store, took silly photos, and laughed--a lot. At one point, we were signing and dancing in front of the mirror. It felt good to laugh!
Having said all this, my chemo went fine. I also had a check-up with my oncologist's assistant. She checked Diablo the tumor and had trouble even finding him. I had to show her how to press and pinch to feel him, and she too was amazed at how much it's shrunk already! The size of my tumor is still a decent size, but it's hard to find because it's deep but not that wide. It's also soft now. So it's easy to miss. This simply shows how deceitful cancer can be. How easy it is to miss. I know there is a cancerous tumor there; yet, even a trained physician's assistant had trouble locating it. You have to know exactly how to press and feel to find it now. This further shows how important it is to check your breasts regularly. No one knows your breasts like YOU, and only you will recognize a change quickly before it's so large and obvious it's had time to spread.
I had to be stuck three times yesterday for my IV. The first time, she didn't push the catheter into my vein all the way before removing the needle, and my vein rolled. I knew it was going to happen as I watched her do it. The second stick, she actually got the IV started fine, and she drew blood. She taped up my IV, and I saw my doctor. By the time I got to the Chemo area, the IV must have moved. Again, the catheter was partially exposed, so it simply left wiggle room. It was in the bend of my arm, so I'm not surprised it moved. Two hours passed from the time she started it and when I made it to the Chemo department. When the nurse began injecting the steroid in my IV, it burned really bad, and I said "Ouch" without even thinking. She knew right away the IV was in my tissue and not my vein. So, I was stuck a third time, and this one was fine. They ended up in the top of my hand, which is my least favorite place. It just hurts there. And my vein always blows when they remove the IV. I have tiny veins, so it's no surprise. The chemo nurse made me sit there for a good 20 minutes after my chemo was complete to flush my vein this time. She said my veins are seeing some wear. I suppose I'm very stubborn because I disagree. I refuse to believe that my veins are well behaved for some nurses and naughty for others!
As I mentioned above, I had to receive steroids prior to my chemo again this week thanks to last weeks allergic reaction. I truly hate how the steroids make me feel. I feel so jittery and hyper all day. Extra energy is nice, but not in the drug induced form. At least not to me. I am normally ready for bed about 9 p.m., and I was wide awake at 10:30 p.m. last night. About 9:30 p.m, I was sitting on the couch, and I had the worst hot flash of my life. It was unlike any hot flash I've ever felt before. The minute it started, I knew what it was. I had been warned about chemo throwing me into early menopause, so I recognized it for what it was. I've had a hot flash before, but this was totally different. This felt like a wave of extreme heat slowly moving through my body. I had wondered if I was menopausal prior to Chemo, and last night's events confirmed I was NOT because I surly would have recognized that. I went to bed hoping that would be the one and only case--wrong. I knew I would have difficulty sleeping thanks to the steroid, so I took two of my Ambien (5 mg each) rather than the one I normally take. I was told when they prescribed I could take two, but I only take one as it seems to do the trick for me. If you can't tell--I really hate taking medication! One Ambien normally knocks me out for the night. A small earthquake wouldn't wake me up. So taking two and still waking up all night shows how much the steroids affect me. Plus, I woke up constantly through the night with hot flashes. I alternated between hot and cold all night long. It makes for a very restless night, and it's quite frustrating!
I also spoke to my doctor about some periods of neuropathy in my hands. I have periods lasting about an hour per day where my hands sting and burn. It's a strange feeling. They warn you to watch for numbness in your hands, but it doesn't feel like numbness at first. To me, it felt like my hands were very dry and chapped, and they would burn/sting. I have noticed that when I carry things or grip something, it tends to bring it on. So my advice is to let others carry heavy items and limit gripping things if you can!
I feel things are going very well for me at this time. I alternate daily between feeling good about where I am with treatment and dealing with the fact that I have breast cancer and feeling very down. I feel I am struggling with a bit of depression, and that's very hard for me to admit. It doesn't help it's dark outside at 5 p.m., and I am NOT a fan of cold weather. I've always had a lot more energy in the summer than in the winter, and I feel my health issues have compounded that a bit. I realize there are medications available to me to help with this, but I do not feel this is the answer. I feel it's simply a case of mind over matter, and I refuse to deal with this any other way besides determination and fighting back. I will not allow this to beat me physically or mentally, so I feel I must remain strong. That means not allowing sad feelings to get the best of me and pushing forward in my life. Breast cancer as taught me we truly are not guaranteed tomorrow and we do not know how long we have. It is my goal to enjoy every moment of this life I have and not worry about how much of it is left. No matter how often those thoughts creep into my mind. It's simply not a healthy way to live day to day.
Be fierce in your life. You only get one.
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