Awkward Conversations and LOL'ing at Cancer!

That Moment When You Hear Crickets Because It's Just So Awkward.....Just Laugh!

Cancer is an ugly word.  It's associated with pain, loss, death, and everything ugly.  If it had a photo, I'm sure a two year old artist could best draw cancer with a black crayon and a lot of scribbles.  That's how I visualize it.  Just an ugly, black blob.  Mean and dark.  Sneaky and ruthless.  Evil and cowardly.  It's so ugly many people avoid talking about it.  Which brings me to my blog for today.  That awkward moment when you see me for the first time since I found out and talking about IT. 

First, let me reassure you I will not break down and fall apart on you.  I vow I won't break if you hug me too hard.  As a matter of fact, hug me just like you always would have.  Here's the biggest shocker--I CAN talk about it; and I'm perfectly okay with it.  Ask me anything you want to know.  I am an open book and willing to discuss this with anyone who wants to.  And I'm willing to talk about the weather and completely avoid this subject as well.  Whatever works for you!

I believe in God.  Since I believe there is a God who loves us and wants us to be happy and live a good life and do good things; this means there is a Devil.  One who despises us and wants us to be unhappy, and his ultimate goal is to ruin our lives and our faith in God.  God did not give me cancer.  The Devil did not give me cancer.  Guess what?  Cancer happens to good and bad people all the time; and it's up to ME the impact I make on lives with my experience.  I can be bitter and angry and spout off hate and anger that this has happened to me.  If I do this, am I making God or the Devil happy?  I have no intention of making the devil happy with any part of my life, so in spite of pain and suffering, I will give God the glory.  I will be happy and continue to live my life.  I will strive to be a better person and do what I can to help others.  I want to turn this ugly disease into a good thing that will touch many lives in a positive way.  The impact I want to make will give God the glory regardless of the outcome of this.  Because through faith and love, I want to know that at no point did I give the devil the benefit of using this for his own gain. 

I have said all of this to explain my positive, happy attitude that seems to surprise so many people.  I am still ME.  I am not cancer.  This leads me to an experience that happened just today while I was taking a lunch break from work.  The individual I am referring to will not be named.  I do not want to embarrass him.  And I have no intention of speaking badly about anyone because he is a sweet, kind individual.  And I'm sure him and I will giggle about this for years to come.  I hope he understands that I simply had to share this story as it fit perfectly with this topic that was already going through my mind.  I'm referring to that pitiful look I see on people's faces when I see them out and they just don't know what to say.  Say whatever you like--just like this person (we will call him X) did today.  Because I laughed until I cried about this.

I left my office unsure where I would go for lunch; but my car seemed to drive itself to a small, family-owned restaurant not far from my office.  I eat there about once a week as it's cheap, and I really like their food.  I'm a creature of habit, and I always get the same thing.  As I was standing in line, X came up to me and asked me how I was doing.  I smiled brightly and said "I am doing great".  He said "That's great.  You look good".  I said "I feel good!".  He quickly said goodbye and hurried back to his table.  I placed my order and headed to my seat to wait for my food, which came shortly.  I had just finished my hot dog and was starting to work on my French fries when he sat in the bench seat across from me.  X asked me if I had began treatment yet, and I stated I had completed my third round of chemo last Friday.  He seemed shocked that I felt so well; and I stated "I was continuing to work and do treatments and was very lucky to be handling it so well".  I could tell he wanted to ask something, so I waited.  Then it came.  "Are you going to be able to keep your breasts".  I didn't miss a beat and said "no, unfortunately, I cannot.  The tumor is just too large, and it's too risky".  X looked completely shaken and truly upset and before he could stop himself, he said "Oh I'm sorry.  You have such beautiful breasts too".  I was half way to my mouth with a French fry and froze for a second.  I just stuck that French fry in my mouth and kept right on eating.  After a few seconds, I said "Well, I love them too; but I would rather be alive and since when would you know anyway".  I laughed to ease the awkwardness; and the conversation moved on. 

This has had me laughing since it occurred a few hours ago.  Only X would say this and then be horrified that the thought in his head came out of his mouth.  The moral to this story is:  don't be afraid to talk to me about what's going on in my life.  If you have questions, ask them.  Let's laugh about this and make sure cancer knows we won't back down and let it steal our smile.  We have way too much to laugh about in life to frown. 

Cancer truly is a coward; but I am not!

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Chemo Dose 3/12--Taxol

Hanging Tough!

  

I had my third of twelve doses of Taxol yesterday, November 1, 2013.  I felt great before arriving for my appointment.   My friend, Carly Crow, took me for my treatment today; so I was excited to spend the day with her.  She joked when I got in the car "was I going to a doctor appointment or headed out to the club".  I try not to let myself dress down when going to the doctor so as to keep my spirits up.  I've always took pride in my appearance; and it feels if I give in to the urge to wear sweatpants to them, I'm giving in to cancer since being fashionable has always been my weakness.  We spent most of the day laughing about this and that I may be one of the few who wore heels to a chemo appointment (they were ankle boots and too cute to pass up).

My appointment went by fast, and all my blood work came back fine. A few items had dropped a little since before I began chemo; but nothing was below the lowest "average" range.  I still do NOT have a port as I am rebelling against getting one.  I simply do not want to look at it each day and have a daily reminder that I'm sick.  Call me crazy; but I'm trying to keep my life as normal as possible through this entire ordeal.  I simply feel like one hour once a week of an IV isn't that big of a deal compared to looking at that thing every single day.  I've always had great veins and never had a problem getting an IV, and until it's an issue, I'm sticking to my guns on this one.

They used the vein in the top of my hand today (so far, they've used a different vein each week).  During the course of my treatment (1 hour), it was burning and hurting a little; but it wasn't unbearable. More than any of the others had.  Upon removing the IV after I was done, I was set free.  After an hour of saline, I needed to pee, like always.  While washing my hands, the tape came off where my IV was.  To my shock, the area where the IV had been was puffed up and blood was squirting out.  I hurried back to the nurses station and showed her.  Apparently, the vein had blown.  That's a new one for me.  I personally don't feel enough pressure was applied after taking the IV out and nothing more; but everyone likes to say this is a perfect example of why I need a port.  Blah, blah, blah.  We wrapped it tightly, and it was perfectly fine.  It barely even bruised.

Carly and I made a trip to the mall and did a little shopping enjoying some girl time.  Chemo day isn't so bad considering each week I get to do something fun with whomever takes me.  Chemo is just a small portion of my day--a  little blip in the radar.

I'm one day out from chemo, and I feel perfectly normal.  My hair still hasn't begun falling out or even shedding.  I certainly don't want it to fall out, so I am okay with that.  However, I'm prepared for it if it does.  My goal is to get through this upcoming work week as normally as possible.  I'm very tired of how breast cancer has disrupted my life as well as my family's.  I simply want to get up, go to work and not have any reason to think about anything than my job and focus on my responsibilities.  THAT is my goal for this week.  Since I always meet my goals, you can bet it will be happening!

It's Tuesday, November 5, 2013, and I am four days from my third chemo treatment.  I have felt absolutely wonderful all weekend and so far this week.  I thank God daily I am handling treatment so well.  I have not battled any nausea or other typical side effects of chemo.  I am continuing to work, and I honestly feel exactly the way I felt prior to knowing I was sick.  Maybe even a little better because Diablo the tumor is shrinking in fear pretty fast.  I woke up this morning, and I'm pretty sure he's a little smaller than he was yesterday.  He should be afraid because I have a God just waiting to use this to show he's still God and what he's capable of.  Say a prayer of thanks for your good health today and all the good things you have in your life.  Sit down with your children and talk to them about their day and listen to them.  Just take a moment to forget about rushing around here and there and remember the most important job you have in this life is to guide your babies.  Smile at a stranger and help those in need.  Don't feel sorry for me.  I am just fine.  There are so many others out there who have need greater than mine.  Hang tough in this life because we aren't promised an easy one.  =)

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Hair and Facing Hair Loss

Let's Talk About Hair and Cancer

When I received my diagnosis of breast cancer and heard the words "chemotherapy", the first thing that went through my mind was "I am going to be bald".  Yes it seems silly that when facing a life threatening disease the first concern would be your appearance; but I openly admit it was mine.  Yes, I cried and was upset that I have cancer; and being forced to face your own mortality is very difficult.  None of us want to think about how much time we have left so we simply don't think about it.  Cancer patients are forced to think about it.  Everyone tells us "be strong", "you have to fight", "don't give up",  and all the cliche sayings that are meant well; but unless you yourself have cancer, you truly don't know what it's like to be the one watching your entire life change--to include the things you feel are part of your identity.

Hair is important to everyone weather they admit it or not.  We spend a lot of money on haircuts, coloring our hair, conditioning treatments, shampoos, conditioners, shine treatments, gels that promise to straighten, curl, defrizz, etc.  The list is endless; and the amount of money spent on these products is astronomical.  Which proves my point that our hair means a lot to us.  I have a vanity room dedicated to getting ready each morning.  It's my girl haven for putting on makeup, fixing my hair, and getting ready.  I have a three shelf stand next to my vanity, and two of the shelves are FULL of hair products.  So needless to say, I have always been a hair product junkie.

Upon coming to terms with the fact that I have cancer, I also had to face the fact that I would lose my hair.  Each time I thought about it, I would burst into tears.  I have spent the past four years getting one conditioning treatment after another to keep my hair healthy as I was growing it out.  My hair was longer than it has ever been in my entire life.  I finally had long hair.  And it was all going to fall out.

A week before my first chemotherapy appointment, I forced myself to go to the Hopes Boutique in the Breast Center where I see all my physicians and treatment.  There is a salon in the back for patients facing hair loss offering wigs, hats, and full service fittings.  I felt so out of place and silly at first.  I was handed several books with photos of wigs as well as page markers I could use to mark photos of wigs I liked and would be interested in trying.  My husband sat next to me as I opened the first book and stared at the photos of beautiful women with beautiful hair.  Tears were dropping all over the book.  I angrily swiped the tears off my face determined to face this.  I began looking for haircuts and styles that closely resembled my current hair.  After marking a few, Robyn, came over and introduced herself.  She had a fun, vibrant personality and immediately made me feel better.  I just wanted to hug her.  Something about her made me feel "okay".  She began pulling boxes of wigs from the shelves and complimenting my choices.  We laughed as she put the netted cap over my head which resembled a small sock.

I was expecting a wig look.  You know what I mean.  You've seen people that you knew right away they were wearing a wig.  That's the look I was dreading.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the hair felt natural and was actually more healthy looking than my own hair.  I have a small head, so we had to stick with petite wigs with less hair wove into them.  When I put a wig on that had thicker hair, there was that wig look I wanted to avoid.  I had always wanted thick hair like my daughters were blessed with.  I now understood why God didn't give me this.  It simply doesn't fit my face!  I quickly began to have fun trying on the wigs.  Oh, all the colors available!  I could suddenly see what I looked like with every possible hair color out there.  I could see what I looked like with various cuts and styles without a commitment.  How often do we get that chance?  I found I actually look good with short haircuts.  Cuts I would have NEVER tried because I've always wanted and strove for long hair.  I truly felt like I had hope again.  I settled on two different wigs.  One was the exact length of my current hair with an almost exact cut; and the second was a similar cut but with the length hitting just the top of my shoulders.  I was happy and excited about my choices.  While I did not want to loose my hair, I felt like I was taking control of something I could not control by taking these steps and preparing myself.  My advice to anyone facing hair loss is do not wait until your hair is falling out to take this step.  Face it head on and go while you're hair is still healthy so you can match it up as much as possible.  It can be fun.  Yes, it's hard, but it gets easier.

I have my wigs all set up in my vanity room bushed out and on the plastic heads to keep their shape.  I am ready.  Yet, my hair still hasn't begun to fall out.  I get my third dose of chemotherapy (Taxol) tomorrow, October 31, 2013.  However, I know it will be happening soon.  Just a few days before my first treatment, I went to the salon and got my hair cut short.  I cannot control my hair falling out; but I CAN control the trauma of seeing long strands of hair all over the place.  For me, I felt like that would be even harder.  Also, I tried to look at this as my chance to get a haircut I would never try otherwise.  It's going to fall out anyway, so why not?  I will only be stuck with it a few weeks, and if I hate it, I would just shave it off and wear my wig.  It was hair freedom for the first time in my life.

After my first dose, my head had these funny pin prick feelings for several days.  It's as if I was very aware of every hair on my head. My hair follicles were rebelling, and I could feel it.  Yet my hair stayed in tact.  After my second dose, I prepared myself for it.  My scalp hurt and was very sensitive.  I kept gently tugging on strands of hair checking to see if it had begun or running my hands lightly through my hair to see if it was shedding; but nothing.  My scalp hurt like crazy; but it was stubbornly staying in place.  I also have noticed I have several infected hairs on my scalp.  I can feel all over my head, and there are small bumps all over my head.  I've also had issues with my face breaking out over the past week.  I've always seen a dermatologist, so I had some face wash for clogged pores (which I usually have issues with in the summer when it's hot), and it's drying my face up nicely.  This makes it very clear to me that every hair follicle on my body to include the invisible hairs on my face are irritated from the chemotherapy.  Yet, no hair has yet fallen out.  I shower and wash my hair gently.  I brush my hair as if I'm brushing a baby's head.  Just waiting for that moment to arrive.  While I do not want it to happen, I sort of do so the waiting will be over. I am a very stubborn person, and it would seem my hair is just as stubborn as me.  

November 5, 2013--It has been three weeks and four days since my very first chemo treatment.  Today, I have noticed a little more shedding than what I would consider normal.  While it's not a significant amount, I can say it's enough to say it's outside what we would consider normal pieces of hair coming out.  It's not falling out in clumps (which is what I imagined); but rather a strand here and there.  I can run my hands through my hair, and each time, a strand is in my hand.  Many people reported a slow thinning of their hair while on treatment; and it would seem this is the route my hair is taking.  I have fine hair, so I truly expected it to just come out in clumps, and it still might eventually; but I am remaining positive no matter what happens.  I am prepared for this.  When it comes time to buzz cut my hair and wear a wig, will it be easy?  No, I have no doubt I'll cry my eyes out; but I'm as ready as I can possibly be too. 

November 6, 2013--Today marked the first day I can say for sure my hair is beginning to fall out.  I was sitting at my daughter's school waiting to pick her up, and I noticed quite a bit of hair strands on my shoulder.  I collected all that I could see, and I ran my hands through my hair,  I found quite a bit of hair in my hand.  I kept collecting it in a ball and running my hands through my hair, and each time, I would get hair in my hands.  I ended up with a ball of hair that looks like what you clean out of your brush (when you haven't cleaned it in about two weeks).  While my hair is not coming out in clumps, it's definitely thinning at what would seem to be a fast pace now.  When I got home, I ran my lint roller over my t-shirt, and a lot of hair was on the back of my t-shirt.  I foresee a buzz cut very soon as I will go crazy with hair coming out all over me.  Not to mention I use a straightener on my hair each day, and I doubt my hair will withstand a straighter if it's coming out when I do nothing to it.  As much as I had prepared myself for this, it was still hard to see that much hair in my hands.  I suppose a part of me had begun to hope I may escape this fate a little longer since I had already escaped it for three weeks.  I am grateful my hair held on this long though.

November 7, 2013--As I suspected, a lot of my hair came out while in the shower this morning.  I had to clean my shower out after I got out as it would have been gross for someone else to step into that.  The wad of hair I collected was alarming--and long pieces.  When someone looks at me, it's still not obvious I'm losing hair, but I can tell because I know how my hair felt before I began losing it.  I straightened it as little as possible this morning.  Just enough so it looked "fixed".  I have resorted to carrying a lint roller with me to periodically run over my clothes to collect the hair.  It's amazing how much hair collects on your shirt that you can't see until you run a lint roller over your shirt!  I'm going to try to get through this weekend with my hair and possibly buzz it off on Sunday.  But, if it's getting so thin it looks bad, it will be happening sooner. 

November 8, 2013--Today marks the day I can officially say enough hair came out that I began looking bald.  My hair was so thin I could not fix it or cover up the fact that I was losing hair.  There was no covering it up.  So, while my daughter slept and I was alone in the house, I took scissors, and I began cutting off my hair.  When I got my hair cut short, it felt VERY short to me.  But seeing the hair in the shower, all over me, and covered in it, it looked long.  As I cut it off, it looked long.  I cried so much I couldn't see what I was doing as I cut chunk after chunk of hair from my head.  I wasn't aiming for a particular style.  It didn't matter if it was even.  I have no intention of trying to fix it anyway.  I just needed the majority of it off so I wouldn't look like the cat lady of Syracuse covered in hair.  I threw chunks of hair in the trash can at my vanity.  There was so much of my beautiful hair in that trash can.  I don't know when I'll see my real hair again.  It seems so far away before I'll brush my hair and be happy with what I see.

After I was finished, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I looked like a boy with a bad haircut.  Gone was the sexy, beautiful woman with long hair and a mischievous smile and in her place stood a woman with sad, puffy eyes, patchy tufts of hair on her heady, and finally, a cancer patient.  For the first time since I was diagnosed, I looked like a cancer patient.  I don't like what I see.  After a few moments of crying and mourning the loss of my hair (yet again), I wiped my face with a washcloth determined to put my big girl panties on and move on.  I have chemotherapy today, so I had to get it together.  I put a nightcap on to cover my hair and focused on putting my makeup on.  After a few moments, I realized the face was still mine.  That made me feel somewhat better.  After completing my makeup, I put my shorter wig on.  It's annoying to say the least.  It makes my head itch, and I feel like my hair is in my face constantly.  It doesn't part exactly the way my own hair did.  I can't push it aside and out of my face like I did my own hair.  It's just not MY hair.  But it looks okay.  I at least look presentable.  I don't think anyone would know it's a wig who didn't already know me.  But I know.  As hard as I've tried to be positive this morning, I'm having a hard time today.  This was a tough morning.  But life goes on and so shall I.

November 23, 2013:  I wanted to update this particular blog to include when I began losing noticing my eyebrows thinning.  Just before I had my sixth treatment of Taxol, I noticed my eyebrows were getting thinner each day when I would do my makeup.  I have to fill the in quite a bit now as there are patches of eyebrows where there is no hair.  I use an eyebrow gel pallet from Sephora with an angled eyebrow brush.  Once I fill in my eyebrows with the brown gel, I use an eyebrow pencil to draw in tiny "hairs".  It takes a little practice, but you get pretty good at it pretty fast.  It's going to be tough when I have absolutely no eyebrows left to use as a guide though.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

The Flu

Boo---the flu!

Today marks the fourth day I haven't felt like myself.  At first, I thought "Oh, here come the side effects of the chemo everyone talks about".  So far, I really have not had any side effects from my chemo, and have felt blessed to be tolerating it so well.  After two days of my stomach cramping and feeling dizzy every time I walked around, I realized this had nothing to do with the chemo.  Upon speaking to my sister, she confirmed it had made its rounds through her home as well.  I became frustrated as I've always been the one who doesn't catch things.  I pride myself on being tough and simply not catching flus, colds and illnesses that others catch.  I always say "my immune system is like a block wall.  Nothing is getting through".  I still believe my body is stronger than most so I'm happy to say I've kept going through this.  It's just a flu after all.....I'm feeling somewhat better today other than repeated trips to the bathroom.

I will not give in to this........

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

My Life Before Cancer...

I have caught myself spending a lot of time looking back at photos from my life both in the recent past as well as in the more distant past and thinking "if I could just go back and tell her what I know now" or "I wish I could be that person again".  I look back on photos of my life, and it's like watching a movie play out.  Vacations, milestones in my children's lives, my wedding to my husband only two years ago, more vacations, school functions, etc.  All with amazing memories to go with each smile and happy photo.  Then I come to photos that were taken from the point I found out forward, and I try to find a difference in the photos.  The truth is, I can't find it.

My smile is as genuine, my love for live is still showing, and I'm still in love with my children and have every reason to fight with all I have.  So, rather than blog about cancer itself today.  I wanted to blog about how amazing my life has been for the past 40 years.  I had a mother who loved me more than words could ever say.  I know without a doubt she's in heaven now watching over me and cheering me on to beat this.  I thank God every day for giving me such a loving mother who raised me to fear God but also remember he is a loving God.  I was blessed with children at a young age, and it wasn't my plan, but it was God's plan; and now I know why.  I smile now thinking of how everyone asked me how I would raise a baby at the age of 18 as a single parent.  I trusted in God and and never considered an alternative.  God sent me a man whom I married and who loved me and my son as his own, and together, we had two daughters.  While our marriage eventually had issues and we divorced, we have remained friends and work together as parents to continue to raise our children.  I had a GOOD marriage with him, and we shared many happy memories with our children.  I questioned why things worked out as they did and why they couldn't stay the same.  Again, God had a plan; and just because I didn't understand it didn't mean it was not his plan.

I enjoyed a few years as a single parent with my children, who were all growing up quickly.  While many women struggle and have a difficult time, I laughed and enjoyed my time with them individually. I got to know my children on a level many parents don't get to.  They truly were and still remain my best friends.  Upon meeting my current husband, I went through many phases of doubt questioning if I was ready for marriage again.  My children convinced me to take the leap and "be happy".  With their blessings, I married my husband on January 7, 2012.  Our marriage was all about our blended families as he also has two children from a previous relationship.  Our ceremony and reception revolved around our children and was more of a celebration than anything.  Never did I intent to marry again, but once again, God presented his plan for me.  My goal was to focus on my own children and not let anyone or anything take my focus off them.  As selfish as it may sound, I did not want to raise anyone else's children.  But once again, God had his own plan, and as always, it didn't seem to go along with the plan I had for myself.  Not long after we were married, my husband received custody of his children, and they began living with us full time.  A difficult situation with their mother had deemed this necessary, and I found myself suddenly thrown into a role of the step mother full time.  I kicked, stomped and threw my share of temper tantrums.  My youngest was 15, and I didn't want to start over again.  I'm sure God shook his head and said "too bad".

My husband and I have struggled to maintain a new marriage, parenting issues associated with a blended family, and the struggles that are associated with obtaining and maintaining custody of children from a bad situation.  It strained our marriage and made things difficult for us.  We often questioned what we were doing and if we should even be together.  Maybe we had no business being together and just needed to part ways to ensure everyone else's happiness?  We spent this past summer focusing on our children and spending time with them before everyone got busy with school.  We each ignored the growing issue between us.  Both hoping it would just go away.  One evening in early September, I thought "God, I cannot ever figure your plan out.  Each time I think I'm making the right decision, you show me otherwise; but I cannot continue like this.  I really think we are going to have to part ways.  This is too hard".  Mentally, I had made the decision.  On the outside, I hadn't made a single step toward making it happen.

When I found the lump, cancer crossed my mind; but I didn't really believe that's what it was.  I was simply too young, in great health, active, and way too busy for that nonsense.  The news shocked me to my core.  It made me face my own mortality and that old cliche saying that "tomorrow isn't promised".  Suddenly, I realized God was once again putting me in a position where my decisions simply weren't possible and weather I liked it or not, I would follow his plan.  My husband and I looked at one another and realized all the silly disagreements and things that seemed so big were no longer even important.  Surviving and beating cancer was all that mattered.  I could no longer focus on me and my wants, but I was being put in a position where I was forced to focus on surviving for those I loved and allowing God to mold me into what his plan for me is.  I wrecked my car three summers ago rolling it and being trapped inside.  I should have been killed in that accident; but I walked away with only a couple bruises.  God spared me that day for a reason; and I have to trust his plan for me and my life.  Surrendering my wants and wishes and giving God control of my life will be my biggest challenge; but I have no doubt doing so will also save me and everyone I care about.

Me and my daughter, Autumn, in Clearwater Beach, Florida.  August 2013.

Me and my children.  May 2011.

Me, my daughter, Autumn, and her friend in Orlando, FL August 2013.

Me and my youngest daughter in Savannah, GA July 2013.

Me and my husband on our wedding day, January 7, 2012.

Me and my husband snorkeling while on a trip to Cancun Mexico May 2013.

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo Dose 2/12--Taxol

Chemo Dose 2--October 25, 2013

I had my second dose of Taxol yesterday.  I bounced into the office much more confident than the week before after having such a good week.  This week, I was instructed to enter the infusion center directly.  I was taken to my chemo suite, and the IV was placed right there.  This was much easier than the week before having to go to two different places.  And Abigail, my nurse did the IV, and she was MUCH better at it--it didn't even hurt.  They drew blood from my IV for labs and brought me some snacks while the labs were ran.  My labs came back fine, so they proceeded with my pre-chemo drugs (Benedryl, Pepcid, and Steroids).  Next week will be my last week having to get those--thanks goodness.  They seem to give me more of a reaction than the chemo itself.

The Taxol was then started.  I happily chatted with my daughter while poison once again pumped into my veins.  Cancer killing poison, but poison none the less.  I had a check-up with my doctor on Wednesday, October 23, 2013.  He checked the tumor, and much to my surprise, he asked me if it seemed smaller to me.  I said 'yes, but I thought I was imagining things.  I thought sure there was no way it had gotten smaller after only one treatment".  He said "no, it's definitely smaller and softer.  You're responding well to the treatment".  So while I hated the Taxol, I loved it as well.  

After an hour, my treatment was done, and I was set free.  I was at my appointment for only two hours this week.  Hey, maybe this won't be so bad after all?  Up until now, my appointments have been long and drawn out; and up to 3 a week.  I'm down to simply my weekly treatments and 2 hours each time.  I can handle that!

That evening, I was once again full of energy.  I went to my friend's house and visited with her and her cousin.  We ended up going to BW3's for dinner, and I had a great time laughing with friends and forgetting about cancer for an evening.  I felt like my old self for the first time since I had found out.  Granted, I didn't enjoy a cocktail with my friends, but I was okay with that.  I was perfectly happy with several glasses of water and food!  Surprisingly, my appetite has been normal, and I've continued to eat like I always have.  I've always drank a lot of water, so that's easy for me to keep up with!  Once again, I wouldn't have slept Friday night if not for Ambien.  As much as I like the extra energy, I don't like the amped up feeling that keeps me from falling asleep normally.  

Before going to BW3's, we thought it would be a good idea to give out beloved dogs boobs in honor of breast cancer awareness.  Like I said, I was full of energy!

I awoke Saturday morning feeling fine.  I half expected to feel sick since this was my second treatment; but other than my scalp tingling and burning, I felt fine.  I continued with things around the house like I normally would, running errands for my kids, and evening visiting a friend.  I sit here typing this, and I pray to God my good fortune continues, and I continue to tolerate the Taxol this well.  It's so unfair that women get breast cancer in the first place; and it's even more unfair that the medication that makes us well can also make us very sick.  It makes me wonder why the side effects vary so drastically from person to person when it's the same type of chemo and dosage?   Don't get me wrong--I do not want to be sick!  My scalp continues to burn.  It's been 8 days since my first treatment so I am guessing I will begin to see my hair fall out soon.  This constant burning on my head has to mean something.  It's as if can feel each individual hair follicle in my head; and they hurt. I constantly check my hair--tugging on random places to see if anything comes out.  I hold my breath after a shower when I comb it.  I know it's coming, but it's still going to be a shock.  I had long hair; and I had it cut short two weeks ago to make it falling out easier to take; but I know it's still going to be hard.  

My hair before I had to cut it off preparing for Chemo, and my hair after I had it all cut off!

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information. 

Chemo--Dose 1/12 of Taxol

Chemo Dose 1--October 18, 2013 

I am receiving Taxol.  I had no idea what to expect when I arrived for my appointment.  I opted to not get a port until it became necessary.  I already feel like walking, talking cancer; and I simply feel like a port would be just one more reminder.  Upon arriving for my first appointment, I was taken to an area where they insert an IV and draw blood for labs.  They informed me they would be drawing blood each week before I was given my treatment to check my counts and see how my body is "keeping up".  My left arm cannot be used for blood pressure or an IV due to that side being used for the sentinal node biopsy.  This limits my IV options to my right arm only.  I've never had an issue with a lab not being able to insert an IV or draw labs, so I was optimistic I would be fine.  They had to stick me three times to get the IV started.  That's never happened before?  I honestly believe the girl who attempted it the first two times simply was not good at her job because the girl she brought in on the third try had no issue at all.  Anyway, my labs were all fine, and the IV was ready to go.

I was then taken over to the chemotherapy infusion area.  I was extremely nervous as I had no idea what was going to happen.  Was I going to have a reaction?  Would it immediately make me sick?  Would I feel funny?  How would it feel to have "poison" injected into my veins?  I was assigned a private chemotherapy suite complete with a comfortable recliner, TV, and chairs for my guests.  The nurse introduced herself as Abigail, and said she would be my nurse for each one of my treatments.  I found this to be a nice surprise as I would see a familiar face each week.  She took a lot of time to explain to me what I should expect, what side effects to watch for, and how to handle common issues.  She then explained that the first three chemo sessions, I would receive three pre-medications.  Benedryl to prevent an allergic reaction, Pepcid to prevent my body from blocking the chemo, and a large dose of steroids.  She was very good at slowly pushing the medications into my IV so as not to cause burning or discomfort.  The Benedryl made me feel slightly drowsy for about 15 minutes, but the Steroid shot soon took over and the foggy feeling went away. They waited 15 minutes after these were injected in my IV and then began the Taxol.  

I sat there nervously as it began to drip into my IV watching it enter my body thinking "what am I doing to myself"?  I kept waiting to "feel" it in my veins or to feel funny.  One would think if poison is entering your body, you would realize it.  But I honestly felt nothing.  It took about an hour for the full chemo treatment although I was at the doctor for about 5 hours total.  After the Taxol was complete, the IV was removed and I was free to go.  It seemed way too easy.  I was expecting some horrific experience; but it didn't seem any different than any other trip to the doctor for some medication.  I told myself not to get too excited that I had read often the side effects took a few days.  I felt fine all day; but I did develop diarrhea that evening three times.  I also noticed my scalp felt very sensitive, and my face was flushed.  As if I had a sunburn.  Other than that, I felt fine.  I did feel fully of energy and if not for my Ambien, I do not think I would have slept any that night thanks to the steroid injection.  

I awoke Saturday morning expecting to feel "bad", but I actually felt great.  Honestly, better than I had in quite a while.  I thought to myself "shouldn't I be feeling sick or something and why do I feel so good"?  I said a small prayer of thanks to God for allowing me to feel so good, and didn't question it anymore.  A Cancer Walk was scheduled in town on the public walking path for me to raise money to help me with expenses.  Within a week of my sister planning it, it had evolved into an awareness walk complete with the local cancer society on site distributing information about breast cancer and ways women can get free screenings.  I walked the entire 5 miles of the path, and felt perfectly fine.  I've been an avid runner for years, and it felt good to be on "my" path.  Ironically, I ran the 5K in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure in Columbus, Ohio the summer before I got sick.  I would have never guessed I would be one of those women the following year.  

Sunday morning, I went to church with my family.  After service, we went out to eat, and my stomach began cramping while eating.  After I got home, I had diarrhea a few times again, but that was it.  After speaking to my sister, I don't even think the diarrhea was related to my chemo.  A stomach bug had went through her house as well with diarrhea.  I thought to myself "is it possible I had no side effects"? Besides my scalp feeling like it had a sunburn and my hair hurt (if that makes sense), I felt perfectly normal.

I have an office job Monday-Friday 8 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.  I worked Monday - Thursday and felt fine all week!

Go to THE ONE STOP CANCER SHOP to shop for breast cancer products and useful information.